louis ck is a funny man

Seriously, that guy is fucking insane, but also hilarious.. He's got some new standup on Showtime that we watched last night; fucking genius! There's one part where he's talking about how his kid is a picky eater.. He's like, "you're gonna fucking DIE if you don't eat, you fucking moron!" Hahahahahaha that is some funny shit.. Very true though.. Not that I have kids, but I've been around other people's kids enough to know the frustrations of kids' stubbornness... Or how they like to throw away the bowl of berries you just served them up after they've been begging you for them for the last hour.. I have often thought about just screaming some deranged shit at them like that, but I found that most parents aren't cool with you screaming profanities and balls of logic at their kids, no matter how right you may be.. One time, I was sitting on the floor and this kid was up in my face having a conversation.. So, things are going ok so far, right? Well then he starts screaming right in my face, like the loudest, most blood-curlingest (curlingest? not a word, i know, but fuck you) scream I'd ever heard, and literally INCHES from my face... So, naturally, I yell back, "YOU LIKE THAT?!?! YOU LIKE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!! SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" That's the natural reaction, right? Isn't that what most mature adults will do? Probably not, because most adults with kids recognize something that I didn't until that moment: screaming in a kid's face like that isn't scary to them, it's funny.. This kid actually had the nerve to smile as I was screaming.. Hahaha oh well, live and learn I guess..

Hahahaha an Indian guy just made a camel jockey joke... Hahahaha hilarious

merry christmas and all that

Well merry friggin' christmas everyone, and a happy new year to you all.. This will likely be my last blog this year, unless I really get bored during my time off and decide to say something really perverted.

Yeah I found out the other day that my company is going to shut down from 12/24-1/5.. Part of me is stoked because I'm on the verge of truly hating my job, yet part of me is wondering what the fuck i'm going to do for 10 days.. I could blog, sure.. I could also work out, maybe.. I could sit around in my underwear, occasionally scratching myself in provocative ways.. Hmm.. I like that idea the best. It's very difficult to do, you know.. Scratching oneself in a manner that would prove provocative to the opposite sex.. I mean really if you're sitting there scratching your balls/vag, you are more than likely not going to seem that attractive.. Either you just haven't showered and it's just some natural dirt build up, or you've got some sort of STD that is causing your nether-regions to itch something awful.. So either way, you're fucked.. And not in the good way that we all know and love..

And damn it I'm going to make this final declaration.. I fucking hate christmas music! I mean jesus christ, do I really have to listen to Bing Crosby singing Silent Night, Holy Night for 2 months?? Seriously, I think I could deal with it if, on Christmas Day, I listened to it.. But that's one day out of the year.. That I think I could handle.. And before anyone bitches that I'm being a scrooge on the holidays and i should count my blessings, go fuck yourself.. I am very happy that I don't have cancer, that I have a job, that I have a home, all that shit.. I am very grateful to myself for providing myself with that stuff.. Though if I did have cancer, or no job, or no home, these blogs could get significantly more interesting.. Hmm... And less frequent, cuz then I probably wouldn't have a computer or internet access, so I'd have to stalk Starbucks and use someone's computer while they're in the john..

Well anyway, that's the end of today's rant.. Wasn't really a rant, but whatever.. Happy holidays bitches! Be safe!

the weekend cure-all

So Friday was one of the roughest days I've had in a while.. I'm pretty sure I seriously considered jumping in front of a freight train on numerous occasions.. I guess it could've been worse.. I suppose someone I know could've called me to tell me they have some terminal illness or something awful like that... But no, it was just a god-awful, shitty fucking day.. Nothing like an awesome weekend to turn things around!

Friday night I got fucked up and threw snowballs at teddy bears, cars and Eric's walls.. We set fire to a doll.. We played single-shot-nerf-gun-spin-and-shoot... Oh and we broke through a flimsy kid's easle, and Eric's buddy thinks he broke his hand.. I say impossible because that thing was like punching through wet cardboard.. Shit Eric and I went for 4 layers at some point, like fucking Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, he throws down? True story... Anyway, there's a bunch of hilarious videos up now of this eventful evening, check out them out here:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&channelID=408764405

Saturday I spent with Kate's family.. Talk about immersion! haha It was great though, ate a shit ton of awesome food (that stuffing was the shizzle), drank a bunch of beers and had a bunch of laughs.. Her grandma threatened me with a knife at one point, and her aunt yelled at me because she thought I was talking about Bloomington, not Bloomingdale... Hilarious shit.. I was just trying to get directions to the highway, next thing I know I'm being scolded.. hahahaha well yeah, that's my life.. Try to do one thing, get yelled at about something almost unrelated.. hahaha good times..

Oh and last night we got drunk again, down in the city... Got scolded by some gay bartender about ordering Irish Car Bombs.. Apparently they had just had some meeting and decided they'd no longer serve them... Yet Kate was able to get a Jager Bomb AND a Miller Lite????!!! Yeah, that makes sense.. So the rest of us were like, "Ok, let's have 4 Guinneses, 4 shots of Jameson, and 4 shots of Bailey's..." But the bartender was on to our scheme... Damn him... But seriously, if you're going to serve one person a Jager bomb and a beer at the same time, surely you can deal up some Car Bombs there, barkeep.. Ahh well, I had a Guinness instead and it was good..

Oh man on the way back we stopped at the Des Plaines Oasis, because apparently eric and i are getting old and frequently have to pee.. I wonder if I should invest in some FloMax.. Anyway, so we go to McDonald's, and this guy is bitching up a storm about how it took 5 minutes to get his coffee.. I mean he's throwing a genuine temper tantrum.. What a little bitch that guy was.. I think we were both really close to saying something, but he just shuffled out in a pissy huff..

Ok this blog is retarded.. No poop stories.. Oh jesus, speaking of poop... I gotta go!!

driving through marshmallow fluff

Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell! Was that the cold, icy circle in Dante's Inferno? I can never remember.. It doesn't really matter, the point is it's fucking cold and shitty.. Anyway, it's not so much cold outside, but this snow is fucking nuts.. Unfortunately, it's that wet, icy snow that just makes everything wet and nasty, rather than that lighter, fluffier snow that you can mold into snowballs that are stronger than the titanium they use on the space shuttles and pelt people with them... Or go skiing on, whichever you prefer.. Me, I'm an asshole, so I'd prefer to cause injury.. hahaha jk jk

This morning started off pretty shitty.. Amazingly, I was able to get all this shit off of my car with little incident, so I thought things were looking up.. Then I hit up the starbucks on the way to work... Dicks... Then, the two main roads that make up 80% of my commute are covered in this slushy, shitty, sticky, slippery, sucky fucking shit that meteorologists refer to as a "Wintery Mix." Sounds cute and fluffy, right? WRONG! Apparently a "wintery mix" is code for "you're fucked! enjoy your commutes assholes!" Have you ever had that marshmallow fluff shit they sell in jars at the grocery store? Imagine if a giant tanker of that spilled out on the road and no one cleaned it up... Yeah, it's like driving through that..

And of course, as usual, work sucks my balls... Not in the cool way that will eventually make me spurt, but in the uncomfortable way that makes my balls and shaft regress into my body, making me look not unlike a chick or a post-op tranny.. Like in HS, if you ever got a beej from a chick with braces.. Dangerous games.. Or the one time I actually did zip up my cock a little in my jeans zipper... It wasn't at all like "There's Something About Mary" where one nut was hanging out on top of a little fleshy section of dong.. But let me tell you, it fucking hurt like hell.. I think I just grazed it too, cuz there was no broken skin or bleeding or anything like that, but my god I can't imagine the pain if it were any worse.. It's weird how funny that scene was in the movie, yet how tragically unfunny it is when it actually happened to me... But I bet a few of you got a laugh out of it... Hmm, it's all about perspective..

strange folk

Man, I was just thinking about the days when I was in restaurants and really living the dream. There's always a plethora of interesting characters that you get to interact with on a nightly basis.

This one time, as we were about to close up for the night, these two older ladies came in and wanted a quick bite to eat. When I say older, I mean like mid-30's, which at the time I would've considered older since I was only 18 or 19 when this happened. Really not the point.. Anyway, they're pretty hot for older chicks, probably both married but whatever, so I tell them we can make some tacos or some bullshit like that, but the full menu wouldn't be available. Now, this was in Naperville, so I was expecting them to play the typical Naperville-mom role and bitch up a storm.. Oh no, they were quite grateful, so I showed them to their seats and got some tacos going for them.. So they're sitting there eating their tacos, and I'm doing my side work (for those of you NOT familiar with the trials and tribulations of restaurant closing duties, that basically means you get to sit there and roll silverware into napkins, marry ketchups [fill one bottle with the remains of a different bottle], clean up your stations and blow the cook... What?? You're not supposed to blow the cook? Son of a bitch.. Fucking Mexicans..).. Anyway, so I'm sitting at one of the tables by these chicks, working on my silverware and marrying ketchups in my most seductive manner possible (there's nothing seductive about that process; it's akin to two gay guys "docking" minus the sleeve... check urbandictionary.com if you don't know what docking is), when one of them asks me to be a mediator in a discussion they were having.. Long story short, they asked me if it was ok for women to have boy toys, much in the same way men act as sugardaddies to what basically amounts to whores.. Seriously, if you are fucking a dude for his money, you are a whore (same goes for you guys that are with older chicks for money). I don't care how you slice it, you are both consenting to what amounts to prostitution and you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Damn, I digress again.. There's really not an awesome ending to this story unfortunately... I think the only way this story could end on an awesome note is if I banged both of those chicks in a wild drunken three-way.. Didn't happen.. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps things would've been different.. Maybe not, who knows..

I was working at this bar in Naperville one time (different place from the clever little anecdote you just enjoyed) and this patron asked me to sell him weed.. Hahaha I was like dude, are you fucking kidding? Even if I smoked weed, I wouldn't sell some random bar douche (who was alone, mind you) some drugs.. I wonder if he was undercover.. Come to think of it, that would make sense.. Hmm, I may have made a really good decision that night.. Cuz god knows if I was stupid, I could've gotten him some shit.. Spoiler alert: almost everyone that works in restaurants and/or bars gets high or drunk on a regular basis.. Like every night.. At work, after work, days off, whatever... Restaurant workers are quite fond of inebriation of any variety. It's rarely a stressful job, maybe a few hours a night on Friday/Saturday dinner shifts, but fuck, it's VERY conducive to wanting to get fucked up.. Maybe being surrounded by booze and drunks all day and night... We used to get these weekend-warrior-types that would come in on Sunday mornings and get completely annihilated on bloody marys from like 10am until 5pm.. It was like their day job on Sundays.. And let me tell you, they were certainly good at it..

I was the middle man of a fight there one time.. This guy in my section asked me to send some other dude a Shirley Temple (7up or sprite and grenadine, which is a cherry syrup.. basically makes Cherry 7up... grenadine and coke = dank cherry coke... you get the idea). I should've figured he was being a dick... He's one of those guys that, nowadays, you'd see wearing an Affliction shirt, looking like a fucking douche at the bar.. Yeah, I said it.. Affliction shirts are fucking stupid and they should all be gathered into a pile and burned, along with anyone that buys them.. Burn you douches, burn!!! But anyway, I figure this other dude is someone he knows and he's just messing with him, so I bring it out.. Turns out, they don't know each other, and the recipient proceeds to beat the shit out of my customer.. I felt bad at the time, but looking back I'm pretty sure he deserved it.. Moral of the story, don't insult someone you don't know at a bar unless you are ready to fight him.. Or her, if you're either a dude that likes to beat up chicks or a chick that likes to beat up chicks.. Mmmm.... Chick on chick action... hahahaha

a fine line between being a dick and a bubbly fucker

So I'm a big fan of Starbucks.. Call me a yuppy, call me stuffy, call me what you will, but man those Black Eyes really get me going in the morning. But I've recently experienced a unique phenomenon at the store by my place; every employee there is a fucking prick. It's weird, I know. Most Starbucks you go to there's some 40 year old woman that acts like she's a 14 year old girl hopped up on Red Bull and coke.. Most greetings go something like, "HI! Welcome to Starbucks! Would you like to try a Double Mocha Macchiato Skinny Latte with Soy Milk and No Foam?" or some other coffee drink that takes a degree in physics to order.. But the people at my Starbucks, they can't be bothered to look up from their cash register or espresso machine long enough to flash a smile or even nod a hello. I know it's 7am, but fuck, you work at Starbucks.. I'm pretty sure it's kinda their thing.. In all honesty, I think I'd rather be barraged by fake happiness rather than honest disdain. At least they're trying to be cheerful, even if in the back of their mind they're thinking about all the shit they have to deal with in their lives or at their jobs. This old dude at the store I go to, he's just a fucking prick.

And speaking of physics degrees to order coffee, I was once at a Starbucks and this guy in front of me actually ordered a coffee like that but at a very specific temperature... Really? I mean Jesus Christ, it's not a fucking ham. You're not going to get e coli from a cup of coffee.. I'm sure he thought it was the perfect drinking temperature, but whatever.. It's coffee, it's hot, deal with it. Remember that one dummy that sued McDonald's because the coffee was too hot? Yeah, that's the kinda world we live in; dummies make the rules, and the rest of us sit here and wonder what the fuck is going on.

Oh well, short one today.. Off to deal with amazingly, improbably retarded people.. The kind of people that, when they speak, you often wonder, "how are you able to function on a daily basis?" You know the kind of which I speak..

You're Dancing Your Way Straight to Helll!!

Ok, so I don't want to be one of those bloggers that grabs content from someone else, dumps it in here, and comments on it as though my thoughts and ideas are not only unique and original, but pertinent to your daily lives.. But today, I will be that guy. You've gotta see this:

Check this out

Before I get into the meat of this, understand something.. I don't care if you're Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist.. I just don't care.. But what I can't stand are these fundamentalist, conservative assholes that believe that everything mankind does, everything that makes life worth living, is evil. I can just imagine some Baptist pastor giving his potty-training child a copy of "You're a Naughty Child and That's Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside" so he can learn to shit on the toilet, in His sight..

In college, there used to be these preachers that would hang out in the commons and sermonize. I think they were Baptist, but I also don't think it really matters. Sure, Baptists are pretty fundamental, but I'm sure some of them know how to party.. Ok, probably not, but whatever, I'm willing to bet most of them aren't pricks. Anyway, these guys were fucking crazy. First of all, there were always 2 preachers at least, and on occasion, their families joined them! How fun, right kids?! Here's how I envision this going down:

"Daddy, I want to go to school and play with the other children!"
"But the other children are pagans and will burn in the depths of Hell for eternity. You don't want God to think you are one of them, do you?"
(Child looks wistfully out the window)
"No, I suppose not."

It's like a dick version of Ned Flanders. At least Ned had a slight sense of humor about his own Bible-banging ways.. These preachers, though, were all business. A couple notable memories of these guys and their wacky antics:

1) During one especially rousing sermon on abortion, in which the preachers claimed all female college students were whores and all male college students were pimps, one of the preachers took a 6 foot long poster of an aborted fetus and ran up to a group of kids (I'm talking like 3rd graders) and was yelling, "don't kill our future!" or something to that effect... First of all, not ALL college females are whores, because I tried to bang a bunch of them, and, even after offering to pay, I still got shot down, so that disproves that theory. Second, not all male students could be pimps; most of the dudes I knew were poor, so either they weren't pimps or they just weren't very good at pimping. And third, do you REALLY need to show a group of 3rd graders a fetus that looks like the Bay Harbor Butcher got a hold of it?

2) During a speech on discipline, the preachers claimed that we (the students) all turned out like shit due to bad parenting and poor discipline.. According to these guys, if you aren't hitting your kids or verbally abusing them on a regular basis, you aren't doing your job as a parent. It's true, you know.. If Little Johnny ends up with a few bruises, just use the old "he fell down the stairs" excuse.. And then beat him when he gets home for bruising so easily.. One guy stood up and told them that his dad never hit him and he turned out just fine.. One of the preachers called his dad a pussy.. A PUSSY!! Do you believe that shit? The balls on this guy...

But anyway, back to the whole point of this.. That lady is really going to hell for dancing? If I were god, I'd send the guy in the picture on the right to hell for being a smug fuck. What ever happened to the whole philosophy of man not judging his fellow man? And don't be a feminist bitch about that sentence, I wrote it like that for simplicity. I hate people that use "he/she" or "his/her".. Shut the fuck up with your women's lib bullshit. I digress.. I really have to imagine that, if god does exist, he is not stupid enough to send someone to hell for dancing. Though according to Rev. Falwell, dancing leads to all sorts of other fun activities like sex, drug use, drinking, smoking and *gasp* more dancing! This may very well be the least thought out slippery slope fallacy I've ever heard.. Plus, he's got it backwards.. Most of the time, drinking and drug use leads to dancing, not the other way around.. Who out there is like, "man, I've danced my ass off.. better eat some X"? No sir, I'm quite sure it's never gone down like that.

I wonder if the term Bible-banger has any roots in reality.. Do you think there's a bible somewhere with a hole cut into it with the stains of KY around the edges? I bet someone's gone there.. Ewww the papercuts.. Well, couldn't be any worse than being a heroin junkie that's run out of veins, so he pops a boner just so he can shoot it in the 'ole Blue Vein.. Gangrenous weiners are gross.. But any junkie that shows that kind of commitment deserves an award, like a Boy Scout badge of honor or something, maybe the key to the city.. I dunno, but there should definitely be an event of some sort. Whatever, you know you'd want to hear about it.

drinking until i have old football injuries

So the bailout was denied, that's good news.. That's all I'm going to say about it because otherwise I will have to lick Eric's cobra, which I am not at all looking forward to.. I bet he'd be a dick and let it stew unwashed for a week just to make it that much worse..

Anyway, I'm ridiculously hung over this morning, yet somehow in a pretty decent mood.. My head is throbbing, pulsing in places I didn't know blood even flowed.. And I swear to god I think I injured myself last night, but I don't remember crashing into anything.. And before anyone says "oh that's because you were drunk," no, I wasn't black-out drunk last night.. But now my shoulder is all fucked up like I aggravated an old college football injury.. The fucked up part is I didn't play football in college, so who knows what's going on with my shoulder today.. All I know is it hurts like hell, my brain is throbbing in strange places, and I know at some point in the very near future I'm going to have some nasty beer shits..

Speaking of which, what is it about lots of beer, and really alcohol in general, that makes you shit something fierce? I'm really curious now.. The stretch of innards from my stomach all the way to my butthole is just churning today.. And I'm kinda gassy too now, so I'm gonna be farting all day, and hang-over farts smell like death.. Last time this happened, which wasn't that long ago if you can believe it, I farted in my office and it was so bad I had to go outside.. You know you're in bad shape when you can't stand the smell of your own farts.. Not that my other farts smell like peaches, but after 28 years of dealing out my own butt-stink-bombs, you kinda get used to the regular ones.. They become like warm familiar blankets.. Not really, but you know what I mean.. Maybe I'm on my own on this one.. But hang-over farts, and shits for that matter, are just pure concentrated evil. Oh and throw some coffee on top of that.. I'm surprised I haven't shit yet.. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast this morning, I'd probably be in pretty bad shape..

And, Mr. Wilferd Brimley, learn how to pronounce diabetes properly.. And don't give me that "tomatoes, tomahtoes" bullshit.. You can stick that in a sack mister.. Or up your ass, I don't really give a shit which.. Go back to your Quaker Oats.. Or do a duo with John Ratzenberger about the importance of buying American... I dunno why I always associate those two, but I do.. It's because my mind is fucked up, but don't tell anyone.. Shit, cat's out of the bag..

people are idiots

What the hell is going on in this country? I say this country because I'm not well traveled beyond the contiguous 48 states.. But there definitely seems to be an air of entitlement in our society that is destroying us from the inside out, and NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE IT!! It's very disturbing; this country used to have a hard-working attitude that made us what we are. In the 1940's, we sling-shot right past the rest of the world in terms of manufacturing because we were able to come together as a (wait for it) UNITED country.. We were in a war, and the only reason we won is because we worked together (the most tangible evidence are the war machines and other manufactured items we churned out of our factories).

Now, we have auto manufacturers that have run their businesses into the ground for a million different reasons, not the least of which is greedy fucking executives looking for their handouts, and they expect a bailout? Fuck you! I work for a small manufacturer in Illinois... So, if we start hemorrhaging money like these auto makers, will the government even consider giving us money? No, because we have a minimal effect on the economy.. But you know what, at least we're not plunging the economy into the Dark Ages.

And why in the hell is the guy driving the fork lift making $85k per year? Or the guy putting lug nuts on the wheels making $20-something per hour? Are these people educated attorneys? Apparently I'm in the wrong business... Oh wait, that's right, I have a fucking conscience that prohibits me from getting something for nothing.. Fuck me...

I feel very alone in the world when it comes to this.. Welfare, unemployment, labor unions... The list of programs originally intended to help EXPLOITED people are now the butt of jokes... The programs themselves are now being exploited. We don't need fucking labor unions anymore. Children are not working in factories for 20 hours a day, getting paid in bread crumbs, and losing limbs to heavy machinery. Lower class workers are now protected from the tyranny of upper management, not by labor unions, but by law. And now the labor unions are "working with" the auto makers to help relieve some of the financial burdens.. It's a little fucking late guys.. Did anyone ever stop and say, "hmm, this doesn't look right." No, they got fat and happy suckling the teet of society, and now that we're in one of the worst financial crises in modern America, they want to come to the table and look like a hero... "We'll give back!" they say.. It's too fucking late guys.. You can't just undo 40 years of shitty decision making with a snap of the fingers and expect the taxpayers to bail you fucking assholes out..

You know what, WE'VE BEEN BAILING YOU OUT FOR 40 YEARS AS CONSUMERS! That $20,000 car should probably be worth around $10k, but then how will you pay the forklift operator $85k per year? Hmm...

Well, I'm done.. Enough ranting today. This world is fucked and there's very little anyone can do about it. Unfortunately, these fucking people that feel so entitled are in the majority now... Only the minority wants to work hard and contribute to society in exchange for fair compensation. And in this country, majority rules. So we're fucked. Happy Thursday everyone.

Blag is going DOWN!!

So we Illinois-ians got some awesome news yesterday.. Apparently our Governor is a shady crook.. Can you say deja vu? Our last governor isn't even out of prison for the shady shit he was doing, and now our current governor is facing some pretty serious charges... Awesome.. No wonder people don't trust politicians... So far, here's a few things I've heard:

1) was essentially auctioning Barak Obama's empty senate seat... Apparently the governor has the power to appoint someone to the seat, and he was taking what amounts to bribes to fill it.. He actually told an aide that if he doesn't get enough money for it, he'd just take the seat himself.. so either further his own political career and set himself up for even bigger fish later, or take a hefty buyout now.. The balls on this guy...

2) tried to get a bunch of people on the Tribune's board of editors fired.. I guess they were printing some pretty bad stuff about the governor, and he didn't like that.. Now, before anyone gets all defensive, what they were printing wasn't libelous or slanderous.. It was the truth, which, as far as I understand it, is open for printing.. Any journalists out there that can verify?

3) threatened to withhold $8 million in funding to the Children's Memorial Hospital if he didn't get a $50k payout.. Seriously? You're going to withhold money from dying children so you can line your own pocket? Man, and I thought I had a one way ticket to hell...

Now, here's the funny part... I guess the Feds have recordings of all of this shit.. And this morning, Blag's attorney actually appears on TV with this gem:

"Governor Blagojevich believes he hasn't done anything wrong and that he will be vindicated."

Dude, your dumb-shit client was recorded talking to numerous people about this shit, and he was blatantly engaged in some pretty serious criminal activities.. In a word, he's fucked... But have fun with that trial!

On a much lighter side note, I had the best DMV experience ever yesterday... I know, sounds weird, right? Yeah I was in and out of that place in less than 10 minutes.. Got a new DL and state ID, so now I'm ready for some bar hopping as soon as it stops snowing so damn much.... People are idiots when it snows here.. It's like they've never seen these magical white flakes and lose all ability to function while driving.. Have you ever been to LA when it rains? Yeah, it's kinda like that.. People in LA are fucking idiots when it comes to driving.. Last time I was out there (I believe the same trip I met Danny Glover) there was a light drizzle and BAM! gridlock... I asked the cabbie if traffic was usually this bad (it was only like 2 or 3 in the afternoon, so it couldn't have been rush hour) and he said, "no, it's raining." I'm like "are you kidding?" Then he gives me this look like, "yeah, duh, don't you see the spots on the window?" I wanted to punch him right in the mouth... Obviously I know it's raining at this moment you dip shit... I just didn't realize people in LA seize up when moisture falls from the sky.. *sigh* I fucking hate LA... can you tell?

back by popular demand

Well guys, sorry it's been a while. I would love to say that I was out in Tibet mountain climbing, or maybe in Hawaii sitting on a beach with some sort of frozen fruit drink that requires one of those little umbrellas (or maybe a Mai Tai!!), or even in Pittsburgh with no internet access, but those would all be lies.. The plain and simple truth is I've been freaking lazy about this. Oh, and I didn't have anything worth saying.. Then again, do I ever? Eh, maybe..

I did write one up on Thursday last week, but it was mostly angry and depressing, so I just gave up. It was mostly about how tired I am of so many things... I mean this thing was a bitch fest to end all bitch fests.. Even I was like, 'dude, quit your bitching already!' And that's bad, when you bitch so much that even YOU are tired of hearing about it.. Fuck..

But anyway things are looking up.. My job still makes me want to strangle premature pygmy hippos, but besides that, I can't really bitch. My parents are actually making an effort to see me this Christmas, which is nice because prior to that they would just bitch and moan that I wasn't going to see them.. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, they are trying to sell their house, so like 2 months ago when I could get decent airfare, they had no idea where they'd be in December... Now, like 2-3 weeks beforehand, they're like, 'oh, we'll be here.. are you coming out?' Yeah, sure, I'll just donate my kidney and maybe my left teste (the right one is the strong one anyway) so I can buy a fucking plane ticket.. *sigh* But yeah, I'm excited to see them.. It was going to be a really depressing holiday this year, but things seem to be coming together nicely.. Now I just need to cover my booze requirements and I'll be good to go.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping.. I avoid it like the plague.. Or like ET in Family Guy when he wouldn't touch Tom Hanks because Tom Hanks had AIDS... Much like that.. I hate Christmas shopping.. I hate Christmas music.. I do like lights though, but that's probably because I get so wasted all the time that they seem take on a magical life of their own.. I like it when they dance.. What's wrong with me? I was going to go shopping yesterday, but 8:30 rolled around and I wasn't about to start shopping at 8:30pm.. Maybe I'll just do everything online this year.. Part of me feels mildly guilty for being lazy about it, but on the other hand, is a gift any more special if I deal with crowded stores, grouchy assholes, annoying kids, Christmas music, and all that jazz just to get you a gift? Nah, I didn't think so.. It's the thought that counts, not the effort, right? Maybe I'll make gifts out of construction paper, glue and glitter... Ooo I could enjoy a few glue bags that way... Hahaha jk jk... no i'm not... haha

Welcome to my mind... Be afraid.. Be very afraid

Welcome, all, to my blog.. It's origins are deeply rooted in Welsh mythology.. Actually, that's not true.. I just feel like blogging, and if you feel like reading, well then all is right with the world.

Many of the posts that go up right away are from my myspace blog, so if you've read them there, no need to read them here (so from 9/10 through 12/3). I'll start posting new ones here tomorrow.

harry fucking gordon selfridge

Harry Gordon Selfridge.. 1858-1947.. Thank god that guy is gone.. You know the expression "the customer is always right"? Yeah, we have that douche bag to thank for that.. This all goes back to that sense of entitlement thing I talked about WAY back when I first started this blog (yeah like a whole two months ago... LONG long time ago).. You know what, the customer is NOT always right, but since we've ingrained this (I can't believe I'm about to use this word) paradigm so deeply in modern business relationships, customers parade around like fucking peacocks spreading their feathers and think that whatever they want goes and fuck all else.

Now, understand something very important.. I'm not at all suggesting that businesses treat customers like shit. Far from it, that would be counterproductive for everyone because everyone would be getting fucked over. I'm simply suggesting that as customers, we not act like the world owes us something. It doesn't. Feel free to ask, it's your right as an American (America, FUCK YEAH!), just don't bitch and moan like a mom on Christmas Eve looking for the newest Tickle-Me-Elmo doll for her shitty brat child at home..

Besides, what kind of name is Harry Gordon Selfridge? Is he a serial killer? Maybe an assassin? Seriously, who goes by all three names unless you are one of those two, or just some self-righteous fuck that started a couple department stores in England. Kudos, Mr. Selfridge, I hope you are burning in hell.

And speaking of Christmas shopping, anyone that goes out on Black Friday needs to be dragged out to the street and shot repeatedly. Stop this fucking madness already! People are getting trampled, shot, stabbed and beaten just so they can get their hands on some stupid toy.. Notice it's never someone getting stabbed over something vital or useful, like a blender or a vacuum, but it's for a PS3 or a Tickle-Me-Elmo or a Cabbage Patch Kid (wow, I'm old...).. This shit has got to stop.. Some parting words of advice: shop online, save yourself the headache, and fuck those crowds... Seriously, the madness we witness every year after Thanksgiving reminds me of that commercial on Family Guy for the Best Thing Ever (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/1030608/).. Thank god for Family Guy.

enough with the snow already

First decent snowfall and I'm already over it.. What a pity. The thing I probably hate most about the winter is it is just barely light out when I get to work, and it's usually getting dark by the time I leave. I feel like a fucking vampire, though I don't feel dead inside, and I do have a reflection.. Oh, and I like garlic.. Ok, so I'm not a vampire. That's the good news. The bad news? I fucking hate winter! It was cool as a kid when you could run around and white-wash people (or get white-washed, depending on your perspective) or throw snowballs or go sledding. Now if I do that, I have angry parents calling the cops on me. How was I supposed to know it's inappropriate for me to white-wash little Johnny? What kind of world do we live in?

You know what would be sweet? Have a shit ton of money and just go to Mexico for the winter.. Or any place warm.. Maybe I'll just move to Mexico permanently.. I like Mexicans, I like their food, I like their climate... The only thing I don't like is their music, and even that makes me bob my head occasionally, so maybe it's not all that bad.. Except the nylon guitar strings.. Who the hell uses nylon? And don't say mariachi bands..

Besides migrating, another nice option for the winter would be hibernation.. I'd love to stock up my apartment with food and water and then sleep from mid-November through, oh, March-ish... I love sleep.. I need to figure out how to make a decent living by sleeping.. I doubt it's possible, unless I become a guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies.. Which would be cool, 'cause then I'd get some sweet drugs that knock me out.. Hmm.. New career path? Perhaps...

Anyways.. Pretty much everyone I know that reads this is an adult by now, if only by the legal definition.. Anyone else getting tired of adulthood yet? I understand that we all have some deep-rooted social obligation to not be leeches on the teat of society, and I'm certainly willing to go along with it and do my part, but man does it fucking suck sometimes. Is this really what life is supposed to be? An endless procession of similarly-themed days (wake up, shower, work, go home, sleep, repeat) with the occasional weekend debauchery? Maybe that's why I like partying during the week too... My work week is usually aggravating and frankly makes me want to punch a kitten in the mouth.. Any PETA people read this? Yeah? Good, because I like making fur carpets out of bear hides.. So yeah...

Fuck I'm bored... This day is gonna drag, I can see it already.. Oh well, back to it I guess.

turkeys, museums and snow

So another Thanksgiving has come and gone and, admittedly, this was probably one of my all-time favorites.. As much as I miss my family, hanging out with good friends on Thanksgiving was really sweet. We made a shit ton of food, drank from 10am to about midnight and watched a bunch of TV.. Oh yeah, and the Lions lost.. Big fuckin' surprise.. Who saw that coming? Oh, yeah, pretty much anyone who knows anything about football.. *sigh* I wish they'd stop parading the Lions and the Cowboys out for the Thanksgiving games every year.. The Lions have been irrelevant for years and the Cowboys just aren't America's Team anymore.. Ok enough football.. Does anyone really care? Probably not.. And did anyone watch the Macy's parade? yeah, me neither..

Speaking of the parade, I'd like to know who chooses the floats.. I mean, they had the fucking Rugrats as a float this year... Is that even a show anymore? And why is Santa in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? I didn't realize he operated on T-Day.. I really hate how spread out the Christmas season is nowadays.. Christmas music has been playing since the beginning of November for god's sake.. Is that really necessary? Is that supposed to get me into the spirit of the holidays? 'Cuz it doesn't work.. In fact, it mostly just angers me.. I dunno, maybe I'm just a scrooge.. It's messed up, because I like Christmas, whether it's spent with friends or family.. But I fucking HATE Christmas music.. I'm gonna put a temporary ban on 93.9 being played in my car (haha Kate, take that!).. I really should just make it a permanent ban, because I don't even want to listen to that station when it's not playing Christmas music.. I feel like I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office every time I hear Genesis or any other Phil Collins' or Peter Gabriel work.. Eww..

Anyways, I spent a pleasant afternoon at the Museum of Science & Industry on Sunday.. That place is sweet.. Way better than the Adler Planetarium (which, by the way, has absolutely NO information on its namesake, Max Adler).. The exhibits at MSI are so much more interactive and hands-on, which is especially nice for kids that feel the need to touch everything they see. Can't say I blame them, I found myself entranced more than a few times by the touch-screen magic.. You could even program a robot to dance... Wonder if you could program one to blow you? I bet some nerdy scientific type somewhere has tried and probably has the scars to prove it.. He shoulda rigged it with a pocket vagina... Stupid scientist...

And yeah, it's snowing already! I went out to have a smoke last night, and it was snowing harder than blow falling out of Tony Montana's nose at the end of Scarface.. Only 6 more months of this to go! Who's with me! Fuck...

Ok, well work is starting to anger me, so before I start taking it out on this blog, I'm gonna call it a day.. Sorry this one was lame.. Gotta get back into the swing of things.

somone really needs to explain this to me

I've thought about this before, but never received a satisfactory explanation... Perhaps my evil crew of superior intellects (and that's you, dear readers) can help me out here... This came up yesterday at lunch with Eric, and he's on board with me, so he was no help hahaha

How is a career as a porn star any different than prostitution? Seriously, are they really that different? Let's look at the similarities:

Porn Stars: get paid to have sex
Prostitutes: get paid to have sex
Porn Stars: have a "manager" (basically a pimp getting her fuck-gigs)
Prostitutes: have a "pimp" (basically a manager getting her fuck-gigs)
Porn Stars: have co-stars they like to perform with
Prostitutes: have regular Johns they like to perform with ("like" may be too strong a word here)
Porn Stars: get tested regularly for STDs
Prostitutes: get tested regularly for STDs, at least in countries where it's legal and regulated

So I ask, how is porn different than prostitution? Why is porn legal and prostitution not? I'm not suggesting we criminalize pornography... Far from it, I'm an avid fan of the internet for a few reasons, and one of the top three is free internet porn.. And I'm not necessarily suggesting we decriminalize prostitution.. This isn't Europe after all; Americans are prudes.. I was just mulling this over and hoping one of you could offer a decent explanation..

So Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and no this isn't a rehash of my "I'm Thankful For" list... I'm just excited.. Gonna meet Eric's special lady friend, Kate's coming over at some point, the boys are cooking (we've got a fucking awesome menu to cook up), we're chilling at my place so we can be loud and rowdy on Thanksgiving.. Good times! We're making turkey, stuffing, cheesy mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Oh and rolls, cuz you have to have rolls on Thanksgiving.. I'm pretty sure some long-bearded Jew scribed it into a stone way back in the day, right after "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Possessions." It's the 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Have Rolls on Thanksgiving".. And yes, I know the time line doesn't make any sense.. Moses was a time-traveler.. Didn't you know that? Silly geese.. Fucking Charlton Heston... Bet he got his share of prostitutes.. He was a gun-guy after all...

Well that's it.. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I'll try to keep the blogs coming tomorrow and Friday as usual, but I'm not promising anything!

NEW DEVELOPMENT (thanks Eric!!):
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/08/12/colb.pornography/index.html

Ok, check this article out about Prostitution vs. Porn... Hilarious... Some of my favorite excerpts (excerpts in italics, responses follow):

"Most distributors of pornography would express shock at the prospect of being prosecuted for promoting prostitution. Under Miller v. California, as long as a work, taken as a whole, has "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value," the First Amendment protects its distribution. Given this legal principle, how could pornography be criminal, in the way that prostitution is?"

Really?? How is "Hot Tits and Black Cocks 9" considered serious literally, artistically, politically or scientifically valuable? Maybe that Pirates of the Caribbean spoof because that at least had some acting and production value..

What this means is that the people who have sex for the camera are actors, and acting -- unlike drug-dealing or prostitution -- is part of what falls within the protection of the First Amendment.

Are porn stars really considered actors? Seriously? What about the chick in the Slam Van? Boy, what a rough day she had.. Her life's struggles really show through, especially in that scene where the guy is smashing her face into the window while he's pounding her... C'mon.... Again, I may make a concession on higher quality productions, again like the Pirates movie, because they at least put forth some effort to weave a story, even if it is the most ridiculous thing ever.. Most porn though, let's face it, is about the Bang Bang, the spurt, and the credits..

It's almost certain that on its current precedents, the U.S. Supreme Court would hold that garden-variety pornographic actors are indeed engaged in First-Amendment-protected activity, so long as obscenity is not involved.

This is maybe my favorite part... "So long as obscenity is not involved." Ok, US Supreme Court justices, let's think about this one... IT'S A FUCKING PORNO!! OF COURSE THERE IS OBSCENITY!! Pull your fucking heads out of your asses.. Again, I'm all for porn, god knows I've looked at my fair share over the years, but I don't sit there and pretend it's not obsene.. Guys slapping their cocks on chicks's tits and spooging on their faces is obscene, I don't care how liberal you think you are.

Ok that's the end of this one. Have a happy Thanksgiving! hahahaha (what a strange way to end that discussion)

angrily shaking my fist at everyone i see

Yeah, it's another shitty day.. Oh well, it's a short week, I suppose I should just get over it and move on. Maybe I'll leave early today! Sweet...

So I'm fucked on Friday... I get to work for 4 hours the day after Thanksgiving! Wheee!!! How kick ass is that? Yeah, it isn't at all.. Oh, and the cherry on top: I have to be at work at 6am!! Hooray for me! Hooray for holidays! Fuck... I'm quickly growing tired of covering for people I work with, especially when I know they wouldn't do the same for me.. I don't know why I do it.. It's not some desire to impress my bosses, because I could give two shits what they think if I don't want to work on a holiday... It's not some self-motivation thing, because we ALL know I am not a very motivated person, especially lately when it comes to work.. It's not the pay, because I'm quite sure I'm not gonna get any more money for those 4 hours.. Maybe I'm a self-loathing masochist.. That's really the only logical explanation for my work habits.. Luckily, it only seems to be in my professional life, because I have pretty healthy relationships with friends and family.. I only let work torture me... So I guess that's something.. I should do something about that.. Maybe tomorrow..

Slept on the couch again last night.. I really wonder why I do that.. My bed is comfortable as hell, yet whenever I'm home alone, I tend to just sleep on the couch like I'm at a camp-out.. There's something comforting about it, yet something incredibly lonely about it.. Like some 50-year-old bachelor that passes out in an armchair watching infomercials every night because he has no one.. Fuck I hope I don't end up like that.. I guess I have a ways to go, and considering I'm only 28 (yes, Kate, I'm an old man, I know hahaha) I guess I shouldn't worry about it too much right now.. But fuck, if I end up like that, I'm gonna be pissed.. Gotta keep an eye on that situation...

Oh, on a lighter side note, I found quite possibly the greatest game ever last night:
http://www.bored.com/games/play/344/Hobo.html.

You really should check it out, it's funny as hell.. It's like Double Dragon (the old bad ass NES version, not those cheap knockoffs on SNES), but it's this nasty ass hobo that has the greatest special moves in the world... He poops, pukes, blows snot rockets, farts, and all other great bodily functions.. Truly classless, truly timeless.. So enjoy.. Maybe I'll play for a little bit to get my mind off of this pinnacle of shitty work days.. Yeah, I think I will..

big farts hurt my butt

I was gonna write something about the farts I'm experiencing this morning, but I'm willing to bet most of you would be grossed out by it.. Suffice to say they are quite pungent today.. Stayed up until 3 or 4am last night snacking on a bunch of crap and now I'm all torn up.. Dunno why I stayed up late, there was no good reason for it.. Just didn't feel like sleeping.. I should've, cuz I'm tired as hell now, but fuck it.. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

So Thanksgiving is right around the corner.. Anyone have any big plans? Thanksgiving is kick ass.. You can gorge yourself on some of the dankest food you'll eat all year and no one will think less of you.. Ahh, sweet sweet gluttony.. You know, there's always been this weird tradition (if you can even call it a tradition) that on Thanksgiving, women are supposed to cook and men are supposed to sit around watching football.. Now I'm not gonna get all Fem Nazi Women's Lib on you, cuz god knows I think they're an inferior species (hahah jk jk), but I say that's bullshit.. Guys, if you can cook, get off your ass and help out.. Or shit, cook the meal yourself.. Chicks dig guys that can cook, and learning your way around a cooking device that doesn't involve propane or charcoal isn't a bad idea.. It doesn't make you any less of a man to know how to use an oven.. And really, do you need to watch the Lions play on Thanksgiving? Spoiler alert: they're gonna fucking lose!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (probably should hold off until at least Wednesday for this discussion, but oh well, I've gone too far), what are you all thankful for? Here's what I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

friends: the only real reason I'm still in Illinois
family: even though they piss me off on a regular basis, still gotta love 'em
Eric: for being the best friend a guy could ask for.. totally not gay for you bro
Dan: for being Dan.. and that's a great thing.. you're awesome dude, and I am totally gay for you.. I hate you?
Kate: what can I say, she's a super awesome chick.. though a bit argumentative hahaha jk (i'm not kidding) :)
boobs: seriously, who doesn't like them? even some straight chicks like playing with them
booze: mostly cuz it kinda rhymes with boobs, but also because it is a good thing, so screw you feminists of the 1920's!
bars: because they generally contain three things on my list: friends, boobs and booze.. though i've been to a few bars lately that have been a bit short on the boobs hahaha
work: as much as I bitch about it, I've got a pretty sweet job.. there's a compliment hidden somewhere in that last statement.. it's like Waldo, you just gotta look for it
Family Guy: ahh, the laughter...
Internet: porn, the Blog of Hilarity, myspace, google, videos of people getting punched in the nuts... all good things, all just a click away...
free shit: really anything that's free is good.. like samples when you're walking through a grocery store.. or the change bums hand you in their Styrofoam cups... oh, i'm supposed to GIVE them money, not TAKE it?? well wtf!! no wonder they get so pissed... well fuck them for using styrofoam cups.. carbon footprints indeed.. stupid jerks
Cyanide and Happiness: they make fun of Jesus, cancer, chi-mos.. everything about this is great

Ok guess it's time to go back to work.. *sigh* i'm sleepy.. 2-3 hours of sleep last night... fuck

pre-lunch quickie (sexual innuendos implied)

Man, what a busy day. Gonna have to make this quicker than a sexual encounter at a seedy motel between a married man and his mistress... ANYWAY...

Finally got some rest last night, which was great cuz I've been borderline burned out for weeks.. Not that I mind, really... I mean I've spent the last month hanging out with the best friends a guy could ask for pretty much every day. It just gets tiring cuz I don't sleep much, I'm usually drinking, so on and so forth.. But I'm all rested up, ready for what should be an interesting weekend.. Good thing I got a Sunday cure!

I still need to get a new freaking winter coat.. It's cold as shit outside.. My room is always 80 degrees colder than the rest of my apartment, which is weird.. The worst part of it is when I wake up the morning.. I'm all cozy and warm in bed, and I can just tell the rest of the room is like a freezer box.. Very demotivating, especially since I hate getting out of bed already..

Oh and I wanna say thanks to all of you that suffer through this blog on a daily basis.. I feel like such a hack, but I've gotten some awesome feedback from some of you, so thanks a bunch. I'm trying to keep my brain limber, and this has been a nice, convenient way to do that.. Maybe I'll start doing some Sudokus, but at least you can get a glimpse into the crazy mind of Chris with these blogs.. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad, hopefully funny, rarely thought-provoking..

Well that's all I got today.. Gotta get back to work (yes, I'm actually busting my ass today, and yesterday for that matter, so that's why these went up so late in the day).. Have a good weekend to everyone I don't talk to on a regular basis.. As for the rest of you, look out! hahaha

growing old, getting tired

Jesus, getting old sucks.. Granted, at the pace I've been going the past couple months, I think it would've kicked my ass back in college... But now, fuck.. I feel like a geriatric that's up past 7pm on Bingo Night.. Soon I'll be wearing Depends so when I shit myself, it doesn't ruin my pleated slacks that I wear around the house.. God damn getting old sucks.. You know, I take back that whole college comment.. There was a time when I could stay up all night, go to class in the morning, sleep for maybe an hour or two, and repeat... Granted, if I did that a few days in a row, I'd be hallucinating from sleep deprivation, but man would I be partying my ass off..

Now don't get me wrong.. I'm not afraid of getting old... I'm probably not gonna care much when I turn 30.. Everyone makes a huge deal out of it, which I've never understood.. Don't you hate those people that, on your birthday, they ask "do you feel any older?" Yeah, I feel a day older than I did yesterday.. Dumb asses.. My mom asks me that every year.. You'd think she'd, you know, stop asking that since I give her the same answer every year, but she doesn't.. I know she means well and she's just being motherly, so I guess I could not be a dick and just humor her.. Ah well, maybe someday..

You know what's funny? Bartenders... They've gotta be the most outwardly nice, but inwardly evil people I've ever met.. Think about it.. And this is from a guy's perspective, so keep that in mind.. So a couple guys stroll into a bar, and the bartender is some young chick that is decent looking or whatever.. She could be hot.. She's definitely not ugly though.. So when these guys belly up and get her attention, out comes the bright smile and the flirtatious disposition (hence, the outwardly nice part).. So these guys start flirting back, as guys often do, right? Am I right? Of course I am.. You all know it's true, and if you don't, you need to get out more.. Now, this hypothetical bartender chick is flirting up a storm, maybe with one of the guys in particular, maybe with the whole group if she's a slut-tease.. Hmm, does slut-tease even make sense? Fuck it, you know what I mean.. But in the back of her mind, you know that 99% of the time, she's thinking, "God, get a load of these douche bags.." Think about it.. This chick sees hundreds of dudes every day, probably 75-80% of which hit on her, of which maybe .00001% she'd ever consider dating.. And if you don't believe those numbers, I have scientific evidence to support it.. No, I really don't, but it's all hypothetical so just go with it..

I think that's what happened to me last night.. Went out to a bar with a couple buddies, and one of them was flirting with this bartender.. She played along, blah blah blah (outwardly nice, remember?).. But I think she was secretly thinking "what a douche".. And here's why... Me and Eric are drinking scotch all night long.. This other guy, the guy in question, was drinking beers.. The guy in question asks her to serve us up some shots and, being a man's man, asks her for whatever she wants to serve us up (NOTE: NEVER fucking do this, and here's why).. She gives us Tiger Eyes.. Think of Red Hots (the cinnamon candy) with hard alcohol.. Yeah, made me almost hurl too..

So, to leave you with some pearls of wisdom (god knows this blog could use some):

1) Never ask a bartender for a "shot"... Be specific..
2) The hot bartender isn't flirting with you because she wants your cock. She's flirting because she wants your money.. At least 99.999999% of the time.
3) When in Rome...

JOKE OF THE DAY:
A white guy, a jap and a black guy walk into a restaurant. They were very well behaved, paid their bill and left peacefully.

Funny shit, huh? hahaha

La La Land

An interesting conversation got brought up last night, so I figured I'd share.. I was asked what celebrities I've met/ran into/fantasized about.. Ok, so I made that last part up, but I was asked which ones I find hot, which to a guy is the equivalent of fantasizing about... Seriously, what guy is like, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take her out to dinner." No, it's usually, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take out back and show her a few things.. Namely my genitals..." Sorry, ladies, but that's how it is.. Don't worry, just because you're not a celebrity doesn't mean I don't want to show you my genitals..

So we'll start with celebs I've met.. It's the shortest list.. I once met Danny Glover at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at LAX. That was a weird one.. I was taking a late ass flight back to Chicago, so it was like 11pm when I got to the airport. I was cruising through security and bag checks and all that TSA bullshit pretty quickly, so I had time to grab a bite to eat.. Wolfgang was the only place open so, even though I hate that guy, I figured what the hell.. Surely the profits from my beer and sandwich are not going directly to Mr. Puck's pocket.. What kind of last name is Puck anyway? Wasn't Puck the name of that douche bag in one of the first Real Worlds? The guy that raced soap box cars and blew snot rockets... Wonder what he's up to now... Anyway, so I'm sitting there eating my sandwich, drinking my beer and watching something on late night ESPN (World Series of Poker undoubtedly) when in walks this guy... He sits a couple seats down from me and orders up a drink and a salad.. At this point, I wasn't paying much attention to him.. It was LAX, late as hell and he was some random black guy.. That spells trouble in most books..

So I'm sitting there, minding my business, and this guy's salad comes out.. I kid you not he ate his salad like a fucking giraffe.. He would shove as much salad as he could fit into his mouth and then some.. You know how giraffes always have branches hanging out of their faces while they chew like a cow? Yeah, that's how this guy was eating.. So I kinda look over at him, admiring his giraffe-like qualities, when I realize who he is, and I utter, "holy shit." At this point, he looks over at me, partially chewed lettuce hanging out of his face, and gives me this inquisitive look.. "You're Danny Glover," I say, managing to point out the painfully obvious like I usually do.. "Um-hmm" he mutters, still chewing his most recent bite of salad.. I immediately apologize for disrupting him, 'cause I figure if I'm a celebrity, especially someone with the notoriety of Danny Glover, I'd wanna be left the hell alone if I'm at LAX at 11pm on a fucking Tuesday.. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy.. We chatted about some bullshit (what I do, why am I in LA, why am I hassling him, why am I looking at him with dreamy eyes, etc.) then I realize that this is just weird, so I finish up my beer, bid him adieu, and head to my gate.. So that's my Danny Glover story.. I wish he had pooped himself or something, but no, I think his boxers remained streak-free that night.. Too bad..

I also met Nomar Garciaparra briefly after a game.. He was a pretty cool guy.. Gave him some tips on his batting slump which he didn't seem to appreciate (or heed; he was in that slump for the rest of his time with the Cubs), but otherwise was pretty gracious..

As for celebrities I've run into... The same night as Danny Glover, I ran into Fabio (that guy with the hair) and Bruce Vilanch, the fat guy with the Jew fro that thinks he's funny... He's not.. I ran into Mel Gibson (fucking Patriots!) in Chicago while he was filming Payback (I think it was Payback.. can't be sure... does it matter? it's a fucking anecdote.. get over it).. He's amazingly short, and he smokes like a guy that hates Jewish people... Too soon? hahaha Oh and Chris Carpenter, of St. Louis Cardinals' fame... He pitched a complete game against us and I ran into him by the player's parking lot after the game.. Gave him a hearty "good game" before he got into his limo.. Anticlimactic, I know...

Ok, now the fun part.. Celebrities I fantasize about.. I mean celebs I think are hot.. I've always had a thing for Elisabeth Shue.. I think it was Adventures in Babysitting that did it for me.. Ever since then I've been hooked.. She went through this weird Meg-Ryan-Plastic-Face phase, but she's bounced back nicely.. Rachel McAdams, pretty hot... Elisha Cuthbert, need I say more? Jessica Biel in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not Jessica Biel in Stealth, that movie makes me wanna club baby seals)... Salma Hayek pre-Ed Norton, so around Desperado or From Dusk Til Dawn.. Wowzers!

I'm sure there's plenty of other celebrities I'm not thinking of, but I figured this would make a nice jumping point for discussion.. So, if you've ever met a celebrity, run into one, or just think one is particularly hot and you'd like the rest of us to know who you regularly masturbate to, feel free to share!

bleeding out

I was gonna bitch about my school some more today, but I just realized even I'm getting tired of hearing about it.. There's such a huge part of me that wants to just drop this whole thing, and another part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, this might be worthwhile and will help me in the long run. But that latter part of me is dying a little more every day, especially when I have to deal with the bureaucracy of the college's administration.. These fucking people basically just bend you over the rail and rape you for as much money as they can.. They can't even reasonably explain why you need to take certain courses, they just say "oh well it's a prerequisite..." Granted, I understand that not everyone can grasp the inner-workings of the educational experience, but god damn it, when you're asking me to shell out a shit ton of money for a class that I shouldn't logically have to take, you better have a fucking good reason..

Ok that's enough about school.. I'm so sick of it, I want to punch myself in the face.. So winter's right around the corner.. Despite how much I loathe the cold, I gotta say, I really love it when it snows.. There's something very peaceful, almost magical, about a nice snow fall.. I could seriously sit out on my balcony for hours just watching it.. And seriously, if it's gonna be cold out, it might as well be snowing.. Otherwise, what's the point? Yay! Let's all freeze our asses off and not enjoy the outdoors AT ALL for the next 6 months! No thank you..

Oh, so have you heard about Obama? Yeah apparently he's the antichrist.. Cool, huh? 'Bout time god stepped in and put an end to this horribly failed experiment called humanity.. I guess one link is that one of the Illinois' winning lotto numbers was 666... Uh-oh.. We all know that the lotto numbers have a distinct correlation to the end of existence.. I really hate people like that, these conspiracy nuts that look for any excuse to claim the world is going to end.. There is one guy that spends all of his time gathering news clips from current events and trying to support the Book of Revelations' prophecies for the end of the world.. Get a fucking life dude! How is this helping society or humanity at all? You know, we don't need an Antichrist, the devil or the wrath of god to destroy the world; humans are quite capable of it themselves. We are practically bathing in narcissism.. Very few people out there give a shit about anyone but themselves, and it's destroying society.. And then you get these conspiracy nuts who feast on the mobs' fears, exploiting their weaknesses like a fucking cult leader.

It must be pretty easy, though, controlling a mob like that.. I mean the general public is pretty easily influenced by grandiose speech.. Just look at what Hitler was able to do during WWII.. He actually convinced an entire nation (and beyond) that their plight was directly related to one group of people, a group of people connected not by profession, not by social status, but by religion. Religion.. If god does exist, he's gotta be getting tired of all the shit humanity does in his name... The Crusades.. The Inquisition.. Joel Osteen.. Televangelism.. The KKK... Neo-Nazis... It's disgusting.. Most religions are pretty similar in their overall messages of tolerance and acceptance of your fellow man, yet at the same time they sit there and encourage their followers to judge their neighbors.. Unfortunately, we are so far away from the roots of the major religions that I doubt we can ever make it back.. The teachings of the major prophets are lost in the bureaucracies of modern life.

Ok this is too much for me to deal with this morning.. I had half a mind to delete all of this and just not post anything today, but oh well, here you go. Hope you enjoyed it.

i got nothing

I got nothing for you today. Seriously.. I'm so fucking tired right now.. My old roomy Phil was around all last week, which was sweet, cuz that kid is a bad ass. But I pretty much spent all week drinking boxed wine and doing various things around the house, including making some more videos (yeah, Eric, I know I still gotta get them up).

I went bowling for 5 hours on Saturday.. Actually, funny story.. Phil and I are meeting up with Eric to go bowling, and we end up at this fucking dive shit hole bowling alley somewhere in Arlington Heights.. I'm pretty sure that the few windows this place had were protected by bars, and I bet the guy behind the counter had a shotgun.. It kinda reminded me of the bowling alley that Woody Harrelson loses his hand in from Kingpin. Oh well, I digress. So we (me, Phil, Eric and Eric's 2 kids) walk into this place, and we're immediately propositioned by some charitable tutoring program chick.. She says to us, "do you wanna shoot a ball into my bucket?" I mean c'mon, she left herself wide open for any number of dirty comments that could've followed... Turned out she was talking about an actual ball (rather than any of our testes) that we were supposed to toss into an actual bucket (rather than a playful euphemism for her vagina) so we could win a pack of Smarties and listen to her bullshit about some stupid tutoring program that didn't apply to any of us.. I still say she purposefully said that just to get our attention.. Talk about aggressive selling, jesus.. Might as well have offered to blow one of us if we'd sign her sheet.. I wish I had that devotion to my job.. Not that I want to go around blowing people to get business, but I think that shows a very strong enthusiasm for either A) your career choice, or B) the company you work for. Though I guess if you are blowing people BECAUSE it's your business, then it's different.. I wonder if hookers ever get really enthusiastic about their line of work and actually enjoy blowing strange dudes and/or trannies.. I mean, shit, wouldn't you kinda have to be? To stick a strange dick in your mouth? Or do they just block it out like Macaulay Culkin when he visits Michael Jackson for the weekend? Hmm..

But anyway we ended up bowling at some Brunswick over by the track for like 4 or 5 hours.. It's pretty hilarious watching a 3 year old bowl for the first time.. He was so damn hard on himself though.. He'd miss a 7-10 split and be like "DAMN IT!" It was classic shit.

What is up with bowling alley food? Why is everything deep-fried-death? Oh, except the pizza, though I'm sure they deep fry that for good measure.. I swear to god my gut is just destroyed from all that crap, and I ate all that on Saturday.. I'm not suggesting they serve up tapas or fondue, 'cause I think that people who frequent bowling alleys are the wrong demographic, but I think we could find a happy middle ground.. I'm not going to say it wasn't kinda tasty (except the fries that tasted like deep-fried cardboard rolled in some bowler's sweaty cobra), but let's get a little variety going here people!

Oh and I'm officially sticking to beers at bowling alleys.. Apparently if I throw a cocktail order to a bowling alley bartender, a rift forms in the cosmos and creates the purest form of chaos imaginable.. It took about 20 minutes to get 2 White Russians and a Miller Lite.. I mean c'mon.. She spent 10 minutes of that time looking for cream, and after 10 minutes of searching, the best thing she could come up with is French Vanilla creamer from International Delight, and I'm not entirely sure that it was within the expiration date. It was sick, that's really the only point here.. Though the glass of Dewar's later was a nice recovery from it.. Maybe that should be the rule of thumb when ordering drinks at a bowling alley: stick to beer or a single-ingredient-cocktail.. I think even a Capt's and Coke may have blown her mind..

Speaking of blowing people's minds, I just saw the new Bond movie last night.. "Holy freaking shit" and "wow" are the best words I can come up with to describe it.. I was exhausted just watching Daniel Craig mangle the bad guys, and he did his fair share of mangling early in the movie. Within the first, oh, 20-30 minutes, he was in a car chase, a boat chase and a plane chase.. I mean a plane chase, for god's sake.. Who gets into plane chases unless you're, I dunno, Maverick and Goose? Crazy crazy shit. The story line is pretty sweet too, 'cept the googly-eyed-main-bad-guy.. I didn't buy him as a bad ass, and he fought toe-to-toe with Bond for a while.. Well I won't say anymore for fear of spoiling anything.. It's good, go see it.. Even if you don't like the older Bond movies (Pierce Brosnan and prior), the new ones with Craig are more like the Bourne trilogy anyway: more drama, less cheesiness, and more bad-assery.. Yeah, bad-assery.. Chew on that.

quickie

I've actually got work to do today, but since I'm on a roll with these blogs lately, I wanna keep it going.. So here's a fast one for ya..

AC/DC is fucking ridiculously awesome.. I highly recommend blaring it on the way to work at 7:00am.. I doubt anything could get you this pumped up for the day.. It's like a Black Eye (Starbuck's, not a punch) for your ears.. Or someone punching you square in the nuts repeatedly.. If that doesn't wake you up, I don't know what will.. TNT! I'm dynamite! TNT! And I'll win the fight! C'mon, you got pumped just reading that, admit it..

I'm back to my roots again.. After a long hiatus listening to almost exclusively punk rock and emo shit, I'm back to classic rock.. Believe me, I still enjoy thrashing to Larry Arms or Alkaline Trio, even got into Rise Against recently, but nothing compares to some classic Floyd, Zep, or Jimi for me.. Well Wolfmother, maybe, but they're pretty much neo-classic rockers, so they don't really count.. But they haven't put an album out in like 3 years, so I'm starting to get a little pissed about Wolfmother.. Everything they do is based off of their one 12-track album.. Time to move forward, gentlemen..

Man, I just realized this blog is hardly worth posting.. Did I say anything even remotely worthwhile? One sec, gonna reread some of it...... Nope... nothing.. Weak..

Eric, you're right.. Danny Tanner was much better on AFV, but that's only because Danny Tanner's alter ego, Bob Sagat, is a filthy comedian.. Ever see the Aristocrats? His scene is the best.. He actually talks about arm-fucking a little girl's throat.. Never heard anything like it.. I think hearing that alone is grounds for going straight to hell.. Oh well, I've said enough ridiculous shit in my life... From the Catholic perspective, I'm already fucked for eternity.. Unless I get my last rites on my death bed, then I'm a shoe-in to heaven.. Loop holes, gotta love them. God is a sucker..

Oh, and for everyone that just got all bent out of shape about that, relax.. Learn to take a joke.. And don't listen to our parody songs, one is about how Jesus is a deadbeat.. Which reminds me of one of Brendan Kelly's recent blogs, where he says Jesus is basically a long-haired douche living in the shadow of his all-powerful father.. He compared it to some guy in the news, I can't remember who.. But whatever, the point is I think I need to hang out with BK.. That guy is ridiculous.. Eric and I have a theory that BK is tapping into our conversations.. Seriously, we'll have a conversation about the most random shit (like Jesus being a deadbeat) and like 2 days later it's on BK's blog.. Coincidence, or conspiracy? You decide..

Thought for the day: Some people are like slinkies... Not really good for anything, but can be lots of fun when pushed down the stairs.

when good pets go bad

Last night I got roped into watching America's Funniest Home Videos, which has fueled me with a nearly endless array of tirades I could go into.. I mean, this show has everything: guys racking themselves on playground equipment, fat women falling out of boats, lions pissing on people, psychotic pets.. I mean EVERYTHING.. And yet somehow, this show still makes me cringe.. And I think I've finally figured out why... Tom-Fucking-Bergeron..

This guy is a super douche.. His mindless asinine commentary on the mindless asinine collection of videos makes me want to slit my wrists while swan diving from the top floor of a really tall building.. Granted, swan diving and slitting your wrists at the same time would be impossible, considering the stretched out form it takes to nail a proper swan dive, but you know what I mean. But Tom Bergeron is such a douche, it almost seems worthwhile to try the wrist-slitting-swan-dive.. At least I won't have to listen to him say stupid shit anymore.

And how the fuck did this guy win a Daytime Emmy? Actually, he was a co-winner with Bob Barker... REALLY? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Bob Barker is a legend, a god among mere mortals, a shining beacon of hope amongst the trash that is the majority of daytime television. The Price is Right has kept me entertained for many a morning, especially back in college when most of my classes were later in the day.. I used to watch a lot of The Price is Right.. And on days I was sick, it was like chicken soup.. That dirty old man just made me smile.. Especially when he was hitting on the young hot contestants.. And getting angry at the old ones that couldn't spin the wheel.. Fucking Bob Barker is awesome.. It is tragic that Barker had to share his Daytime Emmy award with that fucking waste of time, space and air named Tom Fucking Bergeron. God I hate that guy..

And don't tell me it's the writers of AFV.. Fuck that, Bergeron was a douche on Hollywood Squares (a bigger douche than Whoopi Goldberg, and she fucked Ted Danson, so there's your point of reference for the day) and he's a douche on Dancing With The Stars.. He was a douche on Fox After Breakfast, or whatever lame news show it was he hosted.. He's always been a douche, and he'll always be a douche.. Perhaps the writers of these shows need to be shot too, but I'm willing to bet that with a better host, some of the material could actually be slightly funny.. Never hahaha funny, more of I-don't-want-to-kill-myself-or-break-the-TV funny.. Which isn't very funny, but it's better than the alternatives...

There was one other thing I noticed about the show last night that I think I've always subconsciously realized, but just never could put my finger on it.. Does anyone else realize that on most of the videos on AFV, the people that are filming must be complete assholes? I mean really.. Put the fucking camera down and go help someone.. For example, one video last night depicted a toddler, standing in a toilet, flushing the toilet... Awww how cute... NO!! Be a responsible adult, put the fucking camera down, and fish your child out of the porcelain bowl YOU SHIT IN!! WHAT THE FUCK!?! I'm sorry, but this just reinforces my belief that this country is full of fucking retards that haven't got the first clue when it comes to basic decency and social responsibility. And here we are, applauding them and laughing at their silly baby in a toilet.. How about I throw that baby in a dumpster? Is that funny? To see a kid writhing in garbage? Oops, now I'm the bad guy.. (on a side note, dumpster babies can be entertaining fodder.. check out the DB episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you don't believe me)..

On a positive note, I did see two of the smartest dogs in the world on this god-forsaken program.. One was a border collie that sat by his owner while dude threw about a dozen frisbees.. Then, on command, the collie ran out and collected all of the frisbees in one trip.. It doesn't sound as impressive as it was watching it.. Youtube it, I'm sure you'll find something similar.. God bless the internet.. Oh, and the second dog was some kinda terrier I think, but the guy threw the dog's bone into a pool, the bone sank, and the dog jumped in, swam to the bottom and retrieved it.. Again, doesn't sound as cool when I'm relaying through words, but whatever, I liked it and thought I'd share.

feeling a little nostalgic today

So as most of you know, I'm back in school. For those of you that didn't know, now you're caught up. That's really all there is to say about it. I'm back in school and I fucking hate it. Which sucks because I used to really like going to school and learning shit. But turns out education is a business like any other, and they will try to fuck you every chance they get. I'm basically stuck at this point in my MBA program because I have to take some stupid math class. It's high school level algebra and geometry basically, and yet somehow the years of math I've taken don't count. Oh, and there's no way to test out of it. I feel like I'm being raped by a hooker and still have to pay. Not fair.

Could you imagine that? Getting raped by a hooker and being expected to still pay for it? Mmmm that's good capitalism.. Then her pimp beats your ass for not paying.. Though I suppose if you were in a situation that you were getting raped by a hooker and beaten by a pimp, you'd also have access to drugs, and could probably easily distract them by throwing, say, a bag of coke into the corner of the room to distract them and then make a break for it. It's like a dog that won't leave you alone, just toss a frisbee and they'll go away, at least for a few seconds, which would be enough time for you to get yourself out of a sticky situation.. Urban survival tips, take note. Hmm, maybe I should start a series of these:

Tip 1: If you are ever accosted by a hooker and her pimp, be sure to have drugs on you, preferably a good prostitution drug like coke or heroin. Throw said drug behind them, and when they both scramble for it, make your escape.

Tip 2: If you are ever stranded in an urban or suburban environment without water, go to a convenience store and buy some.

Tip 3: Never EVER give a homeless guy a smoke. They're kinda like the begging kids in Tijuana.. you even make eye contact with one of them and suddenly you'll be surrounded by dozens, all with one hand out asking for money, the other hand in your pockets taking your money... or in the case of homeless guys, your smokes..

Oh yeah Tijuana, what a fucking hilarious place. My brother used to be stationed at the naval base in San Diego (Coronado Island) which is like 20 minutes north of the border. So one time, while I'm out there visiting him, we decide to cruise down to Tijuana and see what's going on. On our way down there, they have signs on the side of the road that warn you of immigrant families crossing the street... Now keep in mind these are on the sides of MAJOR HIGHWAYS.. Check it out if you don't believe me: (http://www.rogerwendell.com/images/mexico/immigrant_crossing_san_diego_03-18-2004.jpg)... Hilarious, huh?

Anyway, we park about a 1/2 mile from the border and walk into Mexico. The "border" is marked by a river of shit that flows under the crossing bridge. I kid you not. There is seriously a Shit River (aka Tijuana River) that you have to walk over in order to get into Shit City (aka Tijuana). It's pretty gross, but it especially sucks in the middle of August in Mexico. Blazing hot sun just evaporating the water and turning the whole thing into a pasty lump of excrement. And river may be too strong a word. That would lead people to believe that this stuff moves quickly. It doesn't; it stagnates and oozes its way to the ocean. Maybe a Shit Creek? Or a Shit Tributary? I dunno, but you get the idea..

So we cross the shit river and get we're in Mexico. One thing I found out about Tijuana is that it's SOOO shitty, people from there don't say they're from there, they say they're from Mexico. Anyway, we're walking down this side street (dangerous idea by the way, I don't recommend it) and we found a donkey show.. Yup, a chick fucking a donkey.. Sorry to say I did not go in, so I don't have an awesome story about a chick fucking a donkey, and frankly I'm ok with that.. I think it would've scarred me for life.. But yeah, if you're into that kinda thing, go to Tijuana, head down a side street, and you'll find a chick fucking a donkey. I think they may have horse shows too, but that's neither here nor there. After watching Jackass 2 the other day, and seeing the size of that horse's dick, I have absolutely no capacity for understanding exactly what possesses someone to see one of those things and think to themselves "man, i'd like to fuck that horse".. Looks really painful.. It would be like shoving Lou Ferrigno up your ass. Maybe with some lube.. Nah, it would probably still hurt a lot... Which reminds me of that South Park where Paris Hilton and Mister Slave have a Whore-Off... Paris shoves a pineapple up her ninja slipper, and Mister Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his ass.. Good end to her story. Fucking stupid slut.. Absolutely nothing to contribute to society. Oh, she has a new show, "My New BFF." Will someone please kill me now so I don't have to hear about it anymore?

Sorry, got off track there.. Back to Mexico.. We ended up at some "classy" bar in Tijuana off the main street. Their idea of classy is our idea of shit hole. Think of some shitty Mexican bar in, oh I don't know, Mundelein, take it down a few more notches, and that's where we were.. So we're enjoying our quesadillas (quick side note, you can eat food in Mexico, just don't eat anything that hasn't been cooked and you'll be fine.. Avoid lettuce at all costs) when the waiter comes around with a bottle of tequila.. So, we start pounding down shots of tequila and a few beers. Sometime around shot 4 or 5 I realize with horror that I haven't gone to the bathroom all day. I ate Jack in the Box on the way down, I just ate quesadillas in some random bar in Tijuana, and now I'm pounding shots and beers.. I head to the bathroom, and that's when my horrific moment of foresight came true.. There's a tile trough for a toilet, and i swear to god someone had diarrhea and, mid-way through dropping trou and spinning around to get his ass over the seat, just let it fly... There was shit EVERYWHERE... Walls, floors doors, the little divider that makes up the stall.. There was shit on the ceiling, in the trough, near the sink.. All over.. Lots of shit.. So I didn't use that bathroom. Cause it seemed unsanitary..

And that's pretty much the story of one of my trips to Tijuana. Lots of poop and nearly seeing chicks getting fucked by donkeys. Yeah, I don't think I want to go back there. Oh, on a pretty cool note, there was a shooting there a week later. The main drag (Independence Blvd. if I remember right) is where you really need to stay if you go to Tijuana. If you go off that path, god help you. But there's tons of shops and restaurants, cheap booze, cheap prescription drugs (I should've gotten some Viagra haha).. But it's pretty much just like an Arabian market.. People every where and vendors trying to pawn their wares on the unsuspecting white folk.. So apparently the governor or mayor of the region was driving in a motorcade down Independence when a bunch of militant guys come out and shoot the whole thing to hell. Ever see Clear and Present Danger? That's what I pictured happening. So yeah, I almost got shot... At least that's the spin I put on it to make it more relevant to my life.. 'Cuz it has absolutely no relevance to anything, except maybe the citizens of Tijuana, oops, I mean Mexico...

And if you do ever find yourself in Tijuana, here's a money saving tip for ya.. As you peruse all the shit these guys are selling, and you see something you might actually want, make sure you make eye contact with the vendor while you're checking it out, then put it down and start walking away. The price will drop by 1/2 before you get 3 steps. I was checking out one of those kick ass Mexican blankets that I love so much, and the proprietor of the establishment saw me. I wasn't super interested in it, but I guess I showed enough enthusiasm because as I start walking away, the owner comes running up behind me, shouting "$15!! $10!! $5!!" So, these blankets were marked as $20 each, and I ended up getting 2 for like $10.. So there you have it, frugal ones...

dear diary

I realized last night that a lot of my blogs are about shit I'm doing, and shortly thereafter realized that they can't possibly be interesting.. I mean, I don't really do anything... I'm not famous, I'm not a rock and roller (yet), I don't have kids, I don't have AIDS, I'm not black, I don't do cool high dives from 60 feet above the earth into a soup can, I've never milked a cow, and I don't like hockey.. So today, I'm gonna ramble almost aimlessly but with enough direction to NOT divulge what I did last night... Though I did partake in a box of wine, and it was delicious.. Ok, enough of that... If it was a box of Kool-Aid and some wings, then I'd have something, but it wasn't, so I don't.

Black Obama jokes are hilarious.. Really any black jokes are funny. And before you all get up in arms that I'm some sort of racist, back off... I make fun of anything and everything, including myself and my white friends, which I think absolves me from anything derogatory I say about other races... You want equality? Then I get to make fun of everyone equally... Fair's fair bitches... Anyway, yeah black jokes are hilarious.. My old roommate Phil came over last night (this actually is worth mentioning) and was just on fire with the black jokes... Hilarious shit.. They mostly revolved around grape soda, wings, shiny spinning rims, stereo systems that are worth more than the cars they are in, and getting eye-balled at 7-11 as though you might steal something... Good stuff..

You know what black people are on to, though? 40's... I'm not kidding... Except the whole malt liquor thing, 40's are fucking awesome... Though white people tend to refer to them as "tall boys," unless of course you're one of those white people that think they're black.. You know the kind.. Pants around the knees, long white t-shirt that looks like it could cover a twin mattress, a Fubu hat cocked sideways over a white doo-rag... What a douche.. I mean really, you're white... Why would you purposefully want to downgrade? But I digress... Next time you're in the market for booze, try a tall boy.. Or two.. They will treat you right I promise.. And if worse comes to worst, you'll have a giant bottle you can jam up your butt if you're into that kinda thing.. Have a phone handy.. You may be calling 911 before long..

Back to the whole race-being-funny thing, why aren't there good derogatory terms for white people? Honkey? Cracker? Whitey? White Bread Cracker Motherfucker? That's it? A couple different foods and the sound a car makes when you hit the horn are hardly decent terms for defaming an entire race.. We're white, we do plenty of stupid shit.. I think other races need to get on board and start coming up with some better terms for us.. I'm open to suggestions.. The only thing is that once a new term is discovered, only white people can use it when they're talking to their white friends.. 'Cause, you know, that's how it works...