I hope, one day, when zombies actually do attack, that I get to see this:
Zombies Ate My Homework!!
I really hope zombies attack us one day. But I want bad ass, Dawn of the Dead (2004) type zombies, not those slow moving, kinda dumb zombies like Night of the Living Dead (1968). That way, I would finally be able to hunt humans! See, there's these laws that kinda sorta prohibit me from hunting humans. But when they turn to zombies, well all that goes right out the window! I would go all Texas-style on them, get an old pick up truck with flood lights and a gun rack, and drive around town drinking Hamm's and shooting zombies with a shotgun. I think police would suspend the whole DUI thing too, at least for a while until we deal with the zombies, which is great because I'm pretty sure I'd need a drink while hunting said zombies. I wonder if zombie decoys would work? Like duck hunters that have those ceramic, like-like ducks to lure living ducks in, then blast their heads off with a rifle.. Remember Duck Hunt, that game that came with the original Super Mario Bros? I fucking hated that dog that laughed at you if you missed those ducks.. Fuck you, hunting dog, those ducks on the harder levels were like trying to hit a stealth bomber with a sling shot.. I'd like to see you try.. Oh, wait, that's right, no opposable thumbs.. Oh, and you're a fucking dog.. Your canine intelligence is no match for my people intelligence! What were we talking about? Oh, right, zombies. So, yeah, I want to hunt zombie humans.
And on a really quick political note, Blagojevich has been removed from office.. I have to say, I'm really surprised. The guy comes across as such a stand-up kinda guy. Like the type of dude that wouldn't roofie your drink so he could try to bang your girlfriend. I would trust my children to his care. Maybe he could teach them the value of money.. Ooooo did I just make a Jew joke? haha
Oh, and here's the funny part.. The senate voted 59-0 in favor of kicking his ass to the curb. 59-0!!! That's like Tom Brady's Patriots vs the Oakland Raiders... Or me vs. Lebron James in one-on-one basketball.. But now he's got all this free time, I wonder what he's going to do? I've made a list of the top 5 possibilities:
1) Make bagels
2) Count the money he's about to lose in the civil trials
3) Play Spin the Dredle
4) Go to dental/law/business/accounting school
5) Sell his virginity on eBay
Yeah, that's right, I bet he's virgin.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
in the news
Apparently CIA station chiefs aren't as intelligent as you'd think they'd have to be:
The U.S. government is investigating a former CIA officer in Algeria who has been accused of drugging and raping two women while he held the post, according to an affidavit released by the Justice Department.
Andrew Warren has been accused by the women, who are both Algerian nationals, of drugging and raping them on separate occasions while he was still working for the CIA in the Algerian capital, according to the court document, which was filed in the fall of 2008.
Warren has not been charged with a crime. He has told investigators that he engaged in "consensual sexual intercourse" with both accusers, the affidavit states.
CNN has been unable to reach Warren for comment.
According to the affidavit, a search of Warren's residence in Algiers turned up Xanax, Valium, and "a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults," according to the affidavit.
Now I'm sure that during his stay in Algeria, Warren probably got pretty lonely. But did he really need to resort to rape? I'm sure there's plenty of Algerian women that would just love to hook up with a high ranking US Government official. I seriously doubt he needed to drug and rape them. Maybe he's a midget, or he's got a third arm growing out of his forehead. Either way, though, if you were a CIA operative of any sort, why would you leave Xanax, Valium and a handbook of how to rape women lying around in your residence? This would be like Dexter leaving a forensics book and his cutlery set lying around next to each other. Or a drug dealer keeping his scale and his divvied up bags of coke together; it's just something you don't do.
This one is a shining example of how technology meets law enforcement:
The Racine County Sheriff’s Department used Google Earth — an online mapping program — last week to pinpoint marijuana fields in Mount Pleasant and bust a Racine man for harvesting pot.
The investigation began Friday after Racine County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Dean Brown, 37, of Racine, near highways 75 and 20, according to a criminal complaint. A deputy smelled marijuana as he approached the car, and discovered 18 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana in the car’s cargo area. The marijuana, stuffed in two large garbage bags with heavy stems poking through the plastic, was worth between $63,000 and $140,000.
Brown was arrested for felony drug possession, but that was just the beginning of the investigation. Deputies found a GPS unit around Brown’s neck with coordinates to areas throughout Racine County, the complaint said.
On Saturday, Metro Drug agents plugged coordinates saved in Brown’s GPS unit into Google Earth, a searchable compilation of satellite images available through the Internet. By entering the coordinates, agents were able to find the locations in Racine County programmed into the GPS unit.
Don't the police have more advanced technology than Google Earth to look up GPS locations? I know Google is the shit, and I've certainly tried to spy on people with it, but I'm also not a government employee. What happens when a patrol car gets a call to go to a certain address? Does the cop have to run out to his car real quick to grab his Garmin before he heads out? Shouldn't the police have some sort of bad ass GPS tracking system that fires lasers from space or something cool?
This just in, Rod Blagojevich claims he's done nothing wrong:
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appeared before state senators Thursday for the first time during his impeachment trial, saying he has done "absolutely nothing wrong."
He said there's been a "rush to judgment and an evisceration of presumption of innocence."
The governor said the prosecution has not proven the allegations, which are based on a criminal complaint released by federal authorities in December, when he was arrested on federal corruption charges.
"How can you throw a governor out of office on a criminal complaint, and you haven't been able to show or prove any criminal activity?" he asked.
"How can you throw a governor out of office who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to give him a chance to bring witnesses in, to prove his innocence, to do more than just ask for a presumption of innocence?"
Because Blagojevich is giving a closing argument, not testimony, senators will not be able to question him, and he will not be cross-examined by the prosecutor for the House of Representatives, which impeached the governor in a nearly unanimous vote.
Well, I guess that settles that.. Pack up your bags, Illinois senate, Blag is innocent! I find it interesting that, rather than appearing at the impeachment trial for the past few days, he's been parading around the country, speaking with various news outlets and condemning the proceedings as some sort of witch hunt. THE FEDS HAVE YOU ON TAPE, SELF-IDENTIFYING!! Maybe if you went on Tuesday or Wednesday, when they were replaying the tapes, you'd know that you, sir, are busted.
The U.S. government is investigating a former CIA officer in Algeria who has been accused of drugging and raping two women while he held the post, according to an affidavit released by the Justice Department.
Andrew Warren has been accused by the women, who are both Algerian nationals, of drugging and raping them on separate occasions while he was still working for the CIA in the Algerian capital, according to the court document, which was filed in the fall of 2008.
Warren has not been charged with a crime. He has told investigators that he engaged in "consensual sexual intercourse" with both accusers, the affidavit states.
CNN has been unable to reach Warren for comment.
According to the affidavit, a search of Warren's residence in Algiers turned up Xanax, Valium, and "a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults," according to the affidavit.
Now I'm sure that during his stay in Algeria, Warren probably got pretty lonely. But did he really need to resort to rape? I'm sure there's plenty of Algerian women that would just love to hook up with a high ranking US Government official. I seriously doubt he needed to drug and rape them. Maybe he's a midget, or he's got a third arm growing out of his forehead. Either way, though, if you were a CIA operative of any sort, why would you leave Xanax, Valium and a handbook of how to rape women lying around in your residence? This would be like Dexter leaving a forensics book and his cutlery set lying around next to each other. Or a drug dealer keeping his scale and his divvied up bags of coke together; it's just something you don't do.
This one is a shining example of how technology meets law enforcement:
The Racine County Sheriff’s Department used Google Earth — an online mapping program — last week to pinpoint marijuana fields in Mount Pleasant and bust a Racine man for harvesting pot.
The investigation began Friday after Racine County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Dean Brown, 37, of Racine, near highways 75 and 20, according to a criminal complaint. A deputy smelled marijuana as he approached the car, and discovered 18 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana in the car’s cargo area. The marijuana, stuffed in two large garbage bags with heavy stems poking through the plastic, was worth between $63,000 and $140,000.
Brown was arrested for felony drug possession, but that was just the beginning of the investigation. Deputies found a GPS unit around Brown’s neck with coordinates to areas throughout Racine County, the complaint said.
On Saturday, Metro Drug agents plugged coordinates saved in Brown’s GPS unit into Google Earth, a searchable compilation of satellite images available through the Internet. By entering the coordinates, agents were able to find the locations in Racine County programmed into the GPS unit.
Don't the police have more advanced technology than Google Earth to look up GPS locations? I know Google is the shit, and I've certainly tried to spy on people with it, but I'm also not a government employee. What happens when a patrol car gets a call to go to a certain address? Does the cop have to run out to his car real quick to grab his Garmin before he heads out? Shouldn't the police have some sort of bad ass GPS tracking system that fires lasers from space or something cool?
This just in, Rod Blagojevich claims he's done nothing wrong:
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appeared before state senators Thursday for the first time during his impeachment trial, saying he has done "absolutely nothing wrong."
He said there's been a "rush to judgment and an evisceration of presumption of innocence."
The governor said the prosecution has not proven the allegations, which are based on a criminal complaint released by federal authorities in December, when he was arrested on federal corruption charges.
"How can you throw a governor out of office on a criminal complaint, and you haven't been able to show or prove any criminal activity?" he asked.
"How can you throw a governor out of office who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to give him a chance to bring witnesses in, to prove his innocence, to do more than just ask for a presumption of innocence?"
Because Blagojevich is giving a closing argument, not testimony, senators will not be able to question him, and he will not be cross-examined by the prosecutor for the House of Representatives, which impeached the governor in a nearly unanimous vote.
Well, I guess that settles that.. Pack up your bags, Illinois senate, Blag is innocent! I find it interesting that, rather than appearing at the impeachment trial for the past few days, he's been parading around the country, speaking with various news outlets and condemning the proceedings as some sort of witch hunt. THE FEDS HAVE YOU ON TAPE, SELF-IDENTIFYING!! Maybe if you went on Tuesday or Wednesday, when they were replaying the tapes, you'd know that you, sir, are busted.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
this blog takes an unexpected turn
Let's get it out of the way right now; I'm suspending the alphabet blogs for a little while. Shit, with how little I've been posting, some of you probably thought the blog was dead forever.. But, I've gotten bitched at by a few people for not writing, so I'm here, now, in a terribly shitty foul mood, and doing it because I love you guys. Thanks for the support. Ok, no more mushy crap, on with the show!
Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:
Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film
Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..
But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.
Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll
So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...
Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!
Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:
Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film
Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..
But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.
Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll
So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...
Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ohhhhhhh "F"udddgggeeeee
Yeah, I know I know, it's been a few days.. I've been busy at work, which I suppose is a good thing, but I haven't had time to write these, which sucks partially because I've had a few people ask where they're at, but also because it's kinda therapeutic for me so I've been going mildly insane the last few days. I actually used arbitrary quotes yesterday; I gotta be honest, I died a little inside. But whatever, I'm back to the blogs, so I suppose we'll should continue the alphabet list.. On to "F":
Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!
fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.
fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..
Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.
Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)
Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..
Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..
Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..
Genocidal Cats!!
Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)
I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..
Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!
fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.
fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..
Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.
Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)
Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..
Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..
Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..
Genocidal Cats!!
Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)
I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..
Monday, January 19, 2009
E-gads!!
Jesus, I'm fucking tired.. This is gonna be one of my more retarded posts because I simply don't have the mental capacity right now to be witty, clever or even intelligent. Thank god I'm doing this stupid fucking alphabet series, otherwise I'd really have to put some thought into this, or just not post it at all.
Hey, did you hear we're gonna have a black president tomorrow? Cool, huh? Anyway, on with it..
evanescence: The only reason I like this word is because the band of the same name was really quite clever.. They, too, have disappeared like a vapor.. Stupid emo jerks with their stupid emo faces.. Ugh
effervescent: a funny word to describe a bubbly liquid such as coke, champagne and, occasionally, my pee.. How weird would that be to pee a carbonated liquid? I bet it would kinda hurt.. Hmm.. My pee isn't really effervescent btw.. Oh, and it's a synonym for vivacious and gay, so there's that too.. Gay as in happy, not gay as in dude on dude action..
ennui: You know, if you don't have it, you really should get a subscription to Dictionary.com's word of the day email (click here to sign up).. Got this little gem a few months ago.. Basically means weariness due to lack of interest and/or boredom.. Like in college, when you had to take those shitty Gen Ed's just to prove you weren't a complete retard and had to listen to some T.A. drone on about rock formations on meteorites.. Those TA's think they were such hot shit, too.. Man the ego on those kids.. They seriously thought they were god's gift to the educational system, but really they were just a bunch of piss-ant ass-kissing brown nosers to the professors.. Fuck TA's...
Emo: It's really like the new goth, isn't it? It's like the switched from being whiny-pussy-Satan-worshippers to just whiny pussies.. Yes, I know real goth people aren't Satan-worshippers, but most goth people aren't real goths, they're a bunch of posers trying desperately to fit in somewhere because every other social circle has shunned them.. Next up, trenchcoat mafia.. But yeah apparently it's hip to listen to melancholy emo crap now.. Next thing you know, people are gonna respect people who cry actual tears into their beers.. You know who'd make a good emo if he was still around? Jon Arbuckle.. Seriously, check out Garfield Minus Garfield, you'll see what I mean.. It's actually really funny to see.. I never really thought about the fact that Jon was talking to a cat and, in reality, he'd appear pretty insane.. Garfield minus Garfield really brings it to light.. Oh, and I'm getting pretty good with these mid-text links, huh? Yeah you're impressed.. Hahaha jk jk
Ok, that's enough for today.. I feel stupider for having written all that.. Gonna go rehydrate, maybe take a nap in a snow bank somewhere.. Later nerds!
Hey, did you hear we're gonna have a black president tomorrow? Cool, huh? Anyway, on with it..
evanescence: The only reason I like this word is because the band of the same name was really quite clever.. They, too, have disappeared like a vapor.. Stupid emo jerks with their stupid emo faces.. Ugh
effervescent: a funny word to describe a bubbly liquid such as coke, champagne and, occasionally, my pee.. How weird would that be to pee a carbonated liquid? I bet it would kinda hurt.. Hmm.. My pee isn't really effervescent btw.. Oh, and it's a synonym for vivacious and gay, so there's that too.. Gay as in happy, not gay as in dude on dude action..
ennui: You know, if you don't have it, you really should get a subscription to Dictionary.com's word of the day email (click here to sign up).. Got this little gem a few months ago.. Basically means weariness due to lack of interest and/or boredom.. Like in college, when you had to take those shitty Gen Ed's just to prove you weren't a complete retard and had to listen to some T.A. drone on about rock formations on meteorites.. Those TA's think they were such hot shit, too.. Man the ego on those kids.. They seriously thought they were god's gift to the educational system, but really they were just a bunch of piss-ant ass-kissing brown nosers to the professors.. Fuck TA's...
Emo: It's really like the new goth, isn't it? It's like the switched from being whiny-pussy-Satan-worshippers to just whiny pussies.. Yes, I know real goth people aren't Satan-worshippers, but most goth people aren't real goths, they're a bunch of posers trying desperately to fit in somewhere because every other social circle has shunned them.. Next up, trenchcoat mafia.. But yeah apparently it's hip to listen to melancholy emo crap now.. Next thing you know, people are gonna respect people who cry actual tears into their beers.. You know who'd make a good emo if he was still around? Jon Arbuckle.. Seriously, check out Garfield Minus Garfield, you'll see what I mean.. It's actually really funny to see.. I never really thought about the fact that Jon was talking to a cat and, in reality, he'd appear pretty insane.. Garfield minus Garfield really brings it to light.. Oh, and I'm getting pretty good with these mid-text links, huh? Yeah you're impressed.. Hahaha jk jk
Ok, that's enough for today.. I feel stupider for having written all that.. Gonna go rehydrate, maybe take a nap in a snow bank somewhere.. Later nerds!
Friday, January 16, 2009
"D"-fence
I know, fucking lame title.. But football is almost over and we've got about 40 days until Spring Training opens, so whatever.. I don't know what that has to do with anything, other than the fact that in about 3 weeks I'm gonna be fucking miserable.. I'm not a huge football fan, but it gets me through from October to February, then there's nothing but basketball and hockey.. Now, both of those are legitimate sports, unlike bowling or croquet or some other lame crap.. But, frankly, they both suck ass and I'm completely uninterested in either one.. It's weird, my life doesn't revolve around sports, but that 5-6 weeks between the Super Bowl and Spring Training are excruciating.. It may be the fact that I'm deep in the throes of winter depression, but whatever.. I hate it, let's move on to today's list..
doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..
dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..
"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..
Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!
Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:
http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html
dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...
Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..
Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..
doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..
dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..
"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..
Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!
Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:
http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html
dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...
Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..
Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"C" you in hell
crop dusting: This is only hilarious because one day, my buddy eric and I were at a bar and having a legitimate discussion about actual crop dusting.. You know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot gear, dangerous chemicals spilling out of the bottom of the plane.. No, seriously, we were actually talking about this.. Why, I have no idea, but it's not the point.. Anyway, so we're talking about crop dusting, and the bartender overhears the words "crop dusting" and immediately gets involved with this gem: "Crop dusting? Like when you're walking by someone and you fart?" No joke.. I nearly died laughing.. Eric says, "no, like actual crop dusting.. you know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot...." You get the idea.. Crop dusting.. Funny shit.. Strangely enough, like many of you, the bartender didn't believe we were talking about actual crop dusting..
cunt: Sorry to all the ladies that just got all upset when they read that, but hear me out.. There's really two facets to this.. One is the literal definition which, and I gotta agree with Louis CK here, is really inappropriate.. I mean really, cunt is such a nasty word, it should never be associated with something so kick ass (for those of you who are lost, I'm talking about vaginas).. On the other side, when used as a sort of synonym for bitch, I think it's highly effective.. It's the aural equivalent of taking a cheese grater to the face; kinda like listening to Bob Dylan sing.. But it's gotta be used sparingly, so go with "bitch," you know, unless someone's being a real cunt.
cow pie: Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Cows = beef, pie = delicious treat... Oh no, stay away from cow pies.. You were led very astray if someone once told you it was an actual beef pie.. God help you if you believed them and ate it.
Caligula: Cool name, kinda lame emperor.. Really, what did he do? Brought the obelisk to St. Peter's Square? Wooooo.. Apparently he nearly died early on because he was banging too many chicks (and probably dudes, you know how those Romans rolled) and drinking too much, so he's got that going for him.. He also portrayed himself as a god, so he was pretty full of himself too.. I once tried that.. Got a bunch of idiots in white robes to drink poisoned fruit punch.. Suckers.. I made up some bullshit about a comet that we needed to catch that would take us to heaven.. People are stupid.
Chris: It's my name, and considering my hugely inflated ego, I figured it had to make the list..
cuckold: Basically a fancy word for a husband whose wife is cheating on him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a certain connotation of husband-pussery involved.. Like the husband knows it's going on, he knows he's a cuckold, but he just kinda accepts it as his lot in life.. Technically speaking, there's usually a kid involved (ie the cheating wife's 3rd party's kid) that the cuckold is raising.. Personally, if my wife was fucking around and i knew about it, there'd be no passivity on my part.. I certainly wouldn't be raising that cheating whore's kid from another man.. But hey, I'm not one to be walked all over, so there it is.
chillax: Ok, I fucking hate this word.. This goes back to the whole "blog" thing (see yesterday's "B" post).. It also reminds me of words such as "Crunk" (crazy-drunk) or those stupid celebrity couple nicknames (the original Bennifer, TomKat [real fucking clever media, i fucking hate all of you for that one] and Brangelina [this one doesn't even sound clever, so i hate you more now]). Do we really have to invent new words by mashing two other words together? You're not clever, you're an idiot.. Next person that tells me to "chillax" is gonna get a foot in their ass.. Fuck..
Ok, I'm all worked up now.. Gonna go take it out on some unsuspecting passersby.
cunt: Sorry to all the ladies that just got all upset when they read that, but hear me out.. There's really two facets to this.. One is the literal definition which, and I gotta agree with Louis CK here, is really inappropriate.. I mean really, cunt is such a nasty word, it should never be associated with something so kick ass (for those of you who are lost, I'm talking about vaginas).. On the other side, when used as a sort of synonym for bitch, I think it's highly effective.. It's the aural equivalent of taking a cheese grater to the face; kinda like listening to Bob Dylan sing.. But it's gotta be used sparingly, so go with "bitch," you know, unless someone's being a real cunt.
cow pie: Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Cows = beef, pie = delicious treat... Oh no, stay away from cow pies.. You were led very astray if someone once told you it was an actual beef pie.. God help you if you believed them and ate it.
Caligula: Cool name, kinda lame emperor.. Really, what did he do? Brought the obelisk to St. Peter's Square? Wooooo.. Apparently he nearly died early on because he was banging too many chicks (and probably dudes, you know how those Romans rolled) and drinking too much, so he's got that going for him.. He also portrayed himself as a god, so he was pretty full of himself too.. I once tried that.. Got a bunch of idiots in white robes to drink poisoned fruit punch.. Suckers.. I made up some bullshit about a comet that we needed to catch that would take us to heaven.. People are stupid.
Chris: It's my name, and considering my hugely inflated ego, I figured it had to make the list..
cuckold: Basically a fancy word for a husband whose wife is cheating on him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a certain connotation of husband-pussery involved.. Like the husband knows it's going on, he knows he's a cuckold, but he just kinda accepts it as his lot in life.. Technically speaking, there's usually a kid involved (ie the cheating wife's 3rd party's kid) that the cuckold is raising.. Personally, if my wife was fucking around and i knew about it, there'd be no passivity on my part.. I certainly wouldn't be raising that cheating whore's kid from another man.. But hey, I'm not one to be walked all over, so there it is.
chillax: Ok, I fucking hate this word.. This goes back to the whole "blog" thing (see yesterday's "B" post).. It also reminds me of words such as "Crunk" (crazy-drunk) or those stupid celebrity couple nicknames (the original Bennifer, TomKat [real fucking clever media, i fucking hate all of you for that one] and Brangelina [this one doesn't even sound clever, so i hate you more now]). Do we really have to invent new words by mashing two other words together? You're not clever, you're an idiot.. Next person that tells me to "chillax" is gonna get a foot in their ass.. Fuck..
Ok, I'm all worked up now.. Gonna go take it out on some unsuspecting passersby.
great words that begin with "B"
Anyone see a pattern developing here? Yeah, that's right, I'm making daily lists based on the alphabet.. It's partially because there's some really awesome words out there, but mostly because I'm a fucking retard and can't think of anything else to blog about right now.. If anything comes up, I'll gladly interject with the alphabet posts and write about something else.. In the meantime, have yourself a laugh, if any of this turns out funny... Oh, and feel free to submit a couple words, but you gotta back them up with something, even if it's complete nonsense..
boner: "erection" seems to sterile, like you're at a doctor's office and he tells you "well, son, your erection appears to be subsiding after overdosing on all that Viagra"... But I think boner is mostly playful.. Like if you're trying to fuck some chick, you don't go up to her and say "man, you're giving me such a boner." That's a one-way ticket to a late night, solo spank-athon my friends.. And, boner can also be used to describe a blunder, like "my goodness, the war on terror was such a boner!" (note: a little political reference for the Frizog.. oh and for those who don't know, that's eric... i'll let you figure out which eric i mean)
bullshit: usually a statement of exclamation to show complete disdain for a situation.. for example, frizog and i thought we were super geniuses one day for coming up with the term "Ninja Slippers" to describe a vagina (picture a pair of ninja slippers put together at an angle so the two arches form a sort of vagina-hole... yeah, cool isn't it?), but the next day we found out some douche posted it on urban dictionary like 3 years ago.. So, in my understandably disappointed state, I exclaimed, "that is bullshit!".. Or, when my boss wants me to do something retarded, I say "this is bullshit!".. You get the idea.
brown eye: slang for the butthole, funny because in many cases it actually looks like a squinty brown eye.. I've also noticed it occasionally looks like pink eye, but using that may just confuse people.. like if you say "dude i fucked her right in the pink eye," your audience may think you mean some sort of disease-ridden skull-fucking..
blog: A really stupid word, and, as is my understanding of the etymology (also a great word, but doesn't really begin with B, unless you say betymology, which isn't a real word), it is a shortened form of "Weblog". Again, stupid.. Are we really so lazy that all we do is shorten words to make new words? It's like these fucking text-crazy kids these days that use emoticons and text-speak (ie "R U GR8?") in their homework assignments.. But teachers can't fail them, because then parents get involved and start bitching about the kid's soccer practice, or they pull the race card, or the parents both work, or some other fucking irrelevant excuse.. Meh, I'm off topic.. Blog, it's a stupid word, but it makes this rambling bullshit possible, so it gets an honorable mention today.
Done, going home, have a great day.
boner: "erection" seems to sterile, like you're at a doctor's office and he tells you "well, son, your erection appears to be subsiding after overdosing on all that Viagra"... But I think boner is mostly playful.. Like if you're trying to fuck some chick, you don't go up to her and say "man, you're giving me such a boner." That's a one-way ticket to a late night, solo spank-athon my friends.. And, boner can also be used to describe a blunder, like "my goodness, the war on terror was such a boner!" (note: a little political reference for the Frizog.. oh and for those who don't know, that's eric... i'll let you figure out which eric i mean)
bullshit: usually a statement of exclamation to show complete disdain for a situation.. for example, frizog and i thought we were super geniuses one day for coming up with the term "Ninja Slippers" to describe a vagina (picture a pair of ninja slippers put together at an angle so the two arches form a sort of vagina-hole... yeah, cool isn't it?), but the next day we found out some douche posted it on urban dictionary like 3 years ago.. So, in my understandably disappointed state, I exclaimed, "that is bullshit!".. Or, when my boss wants me to do something retarded, I say "this is bullshit!".. You get the idea.
brown eye: slang for the butthole, funny because in many cases it actually looks like a squinty brown eye.. I've also noticed it occasionally looks like pink eye, but using that may just confuse people.. like if you say "dude i fucked her right in the pink eye," your audience may think you mean some sort of disease-ridden skull-fucking..
blog: A really stupid word, and, as is my understanding of the etymology (also a great word, but doesn't really begin with B, unless you say betymology, which isn't a real word), it is a shortened form of "Weblog". Again, stupid.. Are we really so lazy that all we do is shorten words to make new words? It's like these fucking text-crazy kids these days that use emoticons and text-speak (ie "R U GR8?") in their homework assignments.. But teachers can't fail them, because then parents get involved and start bitching about the kid's soccer practice, or they pull the race card, or the parents both work, or some other fucking irrelevant excuse.. Meh, I'm off topic.. Blog, it's a stupid word, but it makes this rambling bullshit possible, so it gets an honorable mention today.
Done, going home, have a great day.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
this blog brought to you by the letter "A"
In no particular order other than to be representative of the randomness that is my stream of conscious:
augment: the way she tugged on it increased the blood flow to that region, augmenting my pee pee
avian: or ornithological, but that doesn't begin with "A", so it's out.. Oh, I was under the impression everyone had heard... Heard what? BUH BUH BUH BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD..
accident: because everyone needs a good "fall down the stairs"
alcohol: in and of itself, not a spectacular word, but c'mon, who doesn't love alcohol just a little?
asslicker: hahaha... asslicker... dirty... yes, i have the maturity level of a 3 year old, go have yourself a nice "accident"
akin: such a good one, because it's like saying "like," or, if i was clever, it would be akin to saying "like," but i'm not supposed to define a word with the same word, so it's like saying "like"... i'm dizzy..
Archie: as in Archie Bunker, one of the first great bigots on TV... gives us all something to look up to and admire..
Alkaline: of the famous Trio... helped me fall in love with punk music.. also made me hate the House of Blues..
anagram: because smart people like word jumbles.. Jim Morrison = Mr Mojo Rising... Bundt Cake = Abduct Ken.. Butt Sex Man = Man Sub Text.. haha no good anagrams for "anagram" though...
absinthe: not a fan personally, but kudos to a drink that makes you feel like a crack head while you prep it
Armageddon: good song, even better event! too bad that shitty movie had to go and taint it.. party at my house on Armageddon (the event, not the broadcast of the shitty movie)!!
anxiety: makes me anxious just saying it!
augment: the way she tugged on it increased the blood flow to that region, augmenting my pee pee
avian: or ornithological, but that doesn't begin with "A", so it's out.. Oh, I was under the impression everyone had heard... Heard what? BUH BUH BUH BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD..
accident: because everyone needs a good "fall down the stairs"
alcohol: in and of itself, not a spectacular word, but c'mon, who doesn't love alcohol just a little?
asslicker: hahaha... asslicker... dirty... yes, i have the maturity level of a 3 year old, go have yourself a nice "accident"
akin: such a good one, because it's like saying "like," or, if i was clever, it would be akin to saying "like," but i'm not supposed to define a word with the same word, so it's like saying "like"... i'm dizzy..
Archie: as in Archie Bunker, one of the first great bigots on TV... gives us all something to look up to and admire..
Alkaline: of the famous Trio... helped me fall in love with punk music.. also made me hate the House of Blues..
anagram: because smart people like word jumbles.. Jim Morrison = Mr Mojo Rising... Bundt Cake = Abduct Ken.. Butt Sex Man = Man Sub Text.. haha no good anagrams for "anagram" though...
absinthe: not a fan personally, but kudos to a drink that makes you feel like a crack head while you prep it
Armageddon: good song, even better event! too bad that shitty movie had to go and taint it.. party at my house on Armageddon (the event, not the broadcast of the shitty movie)!!
anxiety: makes me anxious just saying it!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
what is wrong with me
It's early, I'm tired and a little while ago I was grouchy.. But now I'm in a better mood, so I figured I'd give this a whirl early while I'm all disoriented to see what kind of random bullshit I could come up with.
I really want to get back to writing the parody CD with Eric.. He was jamming the Nazi and retard songs last night, and they really are gems.. We have a veritable cornucopia of song ideas, too.. We've got lyrics for Jesus is a Deadbeat, which I don't think requires any explanation. We all know he is.. Son of God my ass.. He's like the spiritual equivalent of Paris Hilton.. Talk about an heiress (well, heir I suppose). Could you imagine being the son of god? How kick ass would that be? I would make him teach me all of his magic powers, like lighting cigarettes with lightning from my finger tips, or whatever David Blane-esque tricks god can do. I mean really, if you were god, wouldn't you fuck around at least a little? Why does god have to be portrayed as such a fucking stiff all the time? He's got long hippy hair, I bet he's a little more chilled out now.. Plus he's a billion years old, so you know, doesn't have quite the same spring in his step that he once had.
I think it's kinda lame that science has explained most of the plagues in Exodus.. You all know me, for the most part, and probably all know that I don't believe in god and all, but I always liked Exodus because he just went crazy on people. I mean he really fucked the Egyptians up: frogs, locusts, rivers of blood, swarms, boils, disease, darkness and death to first borns.. How fun!! It's like god woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or his wife was bitching at him all day, or he had a bad day at work, and decided to take it out on humanity. Big cry baby..
Well that's all for today I think.. I dunno, maybe I'll be inspired later to talk about lepers and cannibals. We'll see.
I really want to get back to writing the parody CD with Eric.. He was jamming the Nazi and retard songs last night, and they really are gems.. We have a veritable cornucopia of song ideas, too.. We've got lyrics for Jesus is a Deadbeat, which I don't think requires any explanation. We all know he is.. Son of God my ass.. He's like the spiritual equivalent of Paris Hilton.. Talk about an heiress (well, heir I suppose). Could you imagine being the son of god? How kick ass would that be? I would make him teach me all of his magic powers, like lighting cigarettes with lightning from my finger tips, or whatever David Blane-esque tricks god can do. I mean really, if you were god, wouldn't you fuck around at least a little? Why does god have to be portrayed as such a fucking stiff all the time? He's got long hippy hair, I bet he's a little more chilled out now.. Plus he's a billion years old, so you know, doesn't have quite the same spring in his step that he once had.
I think it's kinda lame that science has explained most of the plagues in Exodus.. You all know me, for the most part, and probably all know that I don't believe in god and all, but I always liked Exodus because he just went crazy on people. I mean he really fucked the Egyptians up: frogs, locusts, rivers of blood, swarms, boils, disease, darkness and death to first borns.. How fun!! It's like god woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or his wife was bitching at him all day, or he had a bad day at work, and decided to take it out on humanity. Big cry baby..
Well that's all for today I think.. I dunno, maybe I'll be inspired later to talk about lepers and cannibals. We'll see.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
kids say the darndest things
Check this out
Wow, what an awesome world we live in.. Whoever took that stick is a fucking asshole. Nothing like shitting on the dreams and joys of childhood to make your own life seem decent. That's like running up to a kid sitting on Santa's lap and being like, "he's not real!" as you rip the impostor's beard off. Or maybe getting a kid an Iron Man lunch box and taking a shit in it. I mean really, what kind of prick do you have to be to take some kid's souvenir hockey stick after the Winter Classic? How much you wanna bet that's already made its way through eBay? Then again, maybe the guy is a big hockey fan and now that kid's souvenir is his trophy..
I like to shit on kids' dreams, though, I'll be honest.. Maybe I'm an asshole too.. Like when a kid says "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up," I just want to respond with, "well that's stupid.. why don't you sell women's shoes or something you'll actually be good at." Best to set the bar low early, that way they're never disappointed.
And why is it that kids are NEVER fucking satisfied? You could give some kid a robot that does their homework, plays kickball with him, and even listens to their bullshit stories... But the second that kid sees some other kid playing with, I dunno, boogers, he's instantly like "i don't want a robot, i want boogers!!"
If you know anyone that has kids, and you hate them (the parents), buy the kid a toy that doesn't automatically shut off and makes the most atrocious sounds ever.. Seriously, it works... And here's why.. Kids are drawn to obnoxious sounds similar to bugs drawn to light, so there will be an instant infatuation on the kid's part with said toy... Now, here's the best part... It's not so much that the kid wants to play with the toy that makes noise, he just wants to hear the fucking thing make a bunch of noise.. He could turn the thing on, go two floors away, and if you turn it off, he'll come back in, turn it on again, then leave..
Bah, I don't know where I'm going with this.. Fuck kids.. Oh, wait, not like that.. Umm, nevermind..
Wow, what an awesome world we live in.. Whoever took that stick is a fucking asshole. Nothing like shitting on the dreams and joys of childhood to make your own life seem decent. That's like running up to a kid sitting on Santa's lap and being like, "he's not real!" as you rip the impostor's beard off. Or maybe getting a kid an Iron Man lunch box and taking a shit in it. I mean really, what kind of prick do you have to be to take some kid's souvenir hockey stick after the Winter Classic? How much you wanna bet that's already made its way through eBay? Then again, maybe the guy is a big hockey fan and now that kid's souvenir is his trophy..
I like to shit on kids' dreams, though, I'll be honest.. Maybe I'm an asshole too.. Like when a kid says "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up," I just want to respond with, "well that's stupid.. why don't you sell women's shoes or something you'll actually be good at." Best to set the bar low early, that way they're never disappointed.
And why is it that kids are NEVER fucking satisfied? You could give some kid a robot that does their homework, plays kickball with him, and even listens to their bullshit stories... But the second that kid sees some other kid playing with, I dunno, boogers, he's instantly like "i don't want a robot, i want boogers!!"
If you know anyone that has kids, and you hate them (the parents), buy the kid a toy that doesn't automatically shut off and makes the most atrocious sounds ever.. Seriously, it works... And here's why.. Kids are drawn to obnoxious sounds similar to bugs drawn to light, so there will be an instant infatuation on the kid's part with said toy... Now, here's the best part... It's not so much that the kid wants to play with the toy that makes noise, he just wants to hear the fucking thing make a bunch of noise.. He could turn the thing on, go two floors away, and if you turn it off, he'll come back in, turn it on again, then leave..
Bah, I don't know where I'm going with this.. Fuck kids.. Oh, wait, not like that.. Umm, nevermind..
Monday, January 5, 2009
happy new year
Yet another year has passed us by and I find myself wondering where the time is going. It seems like every year goes by faster than the previous; perhaps one day I will wake up with shit in my pants and realize that I'm 80 years old.. I certainly hope not, and I'm certainly not excited about that prospect, despite my affinity for good poop jokes.
Each year, around this time, there's a certain tradition correlating January 1st to the need to resolve to be better people (or worse, I guess, depending where you take this whole New Year's resolutions thing).. I don't remember the last year I resolved to do anything, but I've got a few this year. 2008 was a really kick ass year for me, despite it starting off in the sewers (not literally, I am not a ninja turtle), and I expect 2009 to be even better.. I'm coming into this year at full speed; my New Year's Eve celebration is certainly indicative of that.. Some highlights of that evening:
1) Riding the L: ok, I have a whole new outlook on public transportation after that evening. There's a certain comeraderie that develops with your fellow passengers that you simply can't find anywhere else.. Impressively, one guy was actually able to name the kind of beer I was drinking just by seeing the top inch or so of the bottle that was hidden so cleverly in a paper bag... It's water officer, I swear! But we made some friends on the train that night; some people even remembered us on the return trip.. Whether that's good or not is open for debate..
2) The Lawrence Arms: as always, these guys don't disappoint.. Though I think BK was a little too drunk to be his usual hilarious self, but he played awesome. And Chris sang well! Oh, and the opening bands didn't suck! Great show all around..
3) Falling down Kate's stairs: I fell down her stairs, mangled myself, yet came away unscathed! Take that, god! Brad, on the other hand, fucked his wrist up something fierce. Good luck man! Save some meds for me hahaha
4) Slam dancing like a kid: I danced, I yelled, I sang... And yet the next day I miraculously felt ok...
5) Screwdrivers on New Years Day: to the bartender at Dave & Buster's, shame on you, but thanks for the free drinks! Screwdrivers may be my new favorite hangover cure.. Bloody Marys can still suck a dick.. Not to mention the Douche Crew that came into the bar; we considered sending them a round of shirley temples, but they were in too much of a hurry to go play Dance Dance Revolution..
6) Beckins breaking my thingy: no, she didn't break my weiner... She knows what this is about.. hahaha Beckins, just kidding :) I'm just givin' ya shit
7) Not dying/going to jail/going to hospital/babysitting: all fairly self-explanatory.. Though a nite in the drunk tank could've been interesting... Hmm..
8) The Belmont transfer: Guinness at a random bar, tallboys in paperbags from the neighboring liquor store, harrassing the liquor store employee, and listening to some crack head talk about the Winter Classic and telling his "bitch to shut up"...
9) Punching that kid in the face: it was a complete accident, but he was cool about it.. Props to you bud
So yeah, NYE was fun as hell.. Only thing missing was Kate.. She was out like a light when we got back.. Oh well, there's always next year..
Hope you all had as much fun as we did! Happy 2009!
Each year, around this time, there's a certain tradition correlating January 1st to the need to resolve to be better people (or worse, I guess, depending where you take this whole New Year's resolutions thing).. I don't remember the last year I resolved to do anything, but I've got a few this year. 2008 was a really kick ass year for me, despite it starting off in the sewers (not literally, I am not a ninja turtle), and I expect 2009 to be even better.. I'm coming into this year at full speed; my New Year's Eve celebration is certainly indicative of that.. Some highlights of that evening:
1) Riding the L: ok, I have a whole new outlook on public transportation after that evening. There's a certain comeraderie that develops with your fellow passengers that you simply can't find anywhere else.. Impressively, one guy was actually able to name the kind of beer I was drinking just by seeing the top inch or so of the bottle that was hidden so cleverly in a paper bag... It's water officer, I swear! But we made some friends on the train that night; some people even remembered us on the return trip.. Whether that's good or not is open for debate..
2) The Lawrence Arms: as always, these guys don't disappoint.. Though I think BK was a little too drunk to be his usual hilarious self, but he played awesome. And Chris sang well! Oh, and the opening bands didn't suck! Great show all around..
3) Falling down Kate's stairs: I fell down her stairs, mangled myself, yet came away unscathed! Take that, god! Brad, on the other hand, fucked his wrist up something fierce. Good luck man! Save some meds for me hahaha
4) Slam dancing like a kid: I danced, I yelled, I sang... And yet the next day I miraculously felt ok...
5) Screwdrivers on New Years Day: to the bartender at Dave & Buster's, shame on you, but thanks for the free drinks! Screwdrivers may be my new favorite hangover cure.. Bloody Marys can still suck a dick.. Not to mention the Douche Crew that came into the bar; we considered sending them a round of shirley temples, but they were in too much of a hurry to go play Dance Dance Revolution..
6) Beckins breaking my thingy: no, she didn't break my weiner... She knows what this is about.. hahaha Beckins, just kidding :) I'm just givin' ya shit
7) Not dying/going to jail/going to hospital/babysitting: all fairly self-explanatory.. Though a nite in the drunk tank could've been interesting... Hmm..
8) The Belmont transfer: Guinness at a random bar, tallboys in paperbags from the neighboring liquor store, harrassing the liquor store employee, and listening to some crack head talk about the Winter Classic and telling his "bitch to shut up"...
9) Punching that kid in the face: it was a complete accident, but he was cool about it.. Props to you bud
So yeah, NYE was fun as hell.. Only thing missing was Kate.. She was out like a light when we got back.. Oh well, there's always next year..
Hope you all had as much fun as we did! Happy 2009!
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