feeling a little nostalgic today

So as most of you know, I'm back in school. For those of you that didn't know, now you're caught up. That's really all there is to say about it. I'm back in school and I fucking hate it. Which sucks because I used to really like going to school and learning shit. But turns out education is a business like any other, and they will try to fuck you every chance they get. I'm basically stuck at this point in my MBA program because I have to take some stupid math class. It's high school level algebra and geometry basically, and yet somehow the years of math I've taken don't count. Oh, and there's no way to test out of it. I feel like I'm being raped by a hooker and still have to pay. Not fair.

Could you imagine that? Getting raped by a hooker and being expected to still pay for it? Mmmm that's good capitalism.. Then her pimp beats your ass for not paying.. Though I suppose if you were in a situation that you were getting raped by a hooker and beaten by a pimp, you'd also have access to drugs, and could probably easily distract them by throwing, say, a bag of coke into the corner of the room to distract them and then make a break for it. It's like a dog that won't leave you alone, just toss a frisbee and they'll go away, at least for a few seconds, which would be enough time for you to get yourself out of a sticky situation.. Urban survival tips, take note. Hmm, maybe I should start a series of these:

Tip 1: If you are ever accosted by a hooker and her pimp, be sure to have drugs on you, preferably a good prostitution drug like coke or heroin. Throw said drug behind them, and when they both scramble for it, make your escape.

Tip 2: If you are ever stranded in an urban or suburban environment without water, go to a convenience store and buy some.

Tip 3: Never EVER give a homeless guy a smoke. They're kinda like the begging kids in Tijuana.. you even make eye contact with one of them and suddenly you'll be surrounded by dozens, all with one hand out asking for money, the other hand in your pockets taking your money... or in the case of homeless guys, your smokes..

Oh yeah Tijuana, what a fucking hilarious place. My brother used to be stationed at the naval base in San Diego (Coronado Island) which is like 20 minutes north of the border. So one time, while I'm out there visiting him, we decide to cruise down to Tijuana and see what's going on. On our way down there, they have signs on the side of the road that warn you of immigrant families crossing the street... Now keep in mind these are on the sides of MAJOR HIGHWAYS.. Check it out if you don't believe me: (http://www.rogerwendell.com/images/mexico/immigrant_crossing_san_diego_03-18-2004.jpg)... Hilarious, huh?

Anyway, we park about a 1/2 mile from the border and walk into Mexico. The "border" is marked by a river of shit that flows under the crossing bridge. I kid you not. There is seriously a Shit River (aka Tijuana River) that you have to walk over in order to get into Shit City (aka Tijuana). It's pretty gross, but it especially sucks in the middle of August in Mexico. Blazing hot sun just evaporating the water and turning the whole thing into a pasty lump of excrement. And river may be too strong a word. That would lead people to believe that this stuff moves quickly. It doesn't; it stagnates and oozes its way to the ocean. Maybe a Shit Creek? Or a Shit Tributary? I dunno, but you get the idea..

So we cross the shit river and get we're in Mexico. One thing I found out about Tijuana is that it's SOOO shitty, people from there don't say they're from there, they say they're from Mexico. Anyway, we're walking down this side street (dangerous idea by the way, I don't recommend it) and we found a donkey show.. Yup, a chick fucking a donkey.. Sorry to say I did not go in, so I don't have an awesome story about a chick fucking a donkey, and frankly I'm ok with that.. I think it would've scarred me for life.. But yeah, if you're into that kinda thing, go to Tijuana, head down a side street, and you'll find a chick fucking a donkey. I think they may have horse shows too, but that's neither here nor there. After watching Jackass 2 the other day, and seeing the size of that horse's dick, I have absolutely no capacity for understanding exactly what possesses someone to see one of those things and think to themselves "man, i'd like to fuck that horse".. Looks really painful.. It would be like shoving Lou Ferrigno up your ass. Maybe with some lube.. Nah, it would probably still hurt a lot... Which reminds me of that South Park where Paris Hilton and Mister Slave have a Whore-Off... Paris shoves a pineapple up her ninja slipper, and Mister Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his ass.. Good end to her story. Fucking stupid slut.. Absolutely nothing to contribute to society. Oh, she has a new show, "My New BFF." Will someone please kill me now so I don't have to hear about it anymore?

Sorry, got off track there.. Back to Mexico.. We ended up at some "classy" bar in Tijuana off the main street. Their idea of classy is our idea of shit hole. Think of some shitty Mexican bar in, oh I don't know, Mundelein, take it down a few more notches, and that's where we were.. So we're enjoying our quesadillas (quick side note, you can eat food in Mexico, just don't eat anything that hasn't been cooked and you'll be fine.. Avoid lettuce at all costs) when the waiter comes around with a bottle of tequila.. So, we start pounding down shots of tequila and a few beers. Sometime around shot 4 or 5 I realize with horror that I haven't gone to the bathroom all day. I ate Jack in the Box on the way down, I just ate quesadillas in some random bar in Tijuana, and now I'm pounding shots and beers.. I head to the bathroom, and that's when my horrific moment of foresight came true.. There's a tile trough for a toilet, and i swear to god someone had diarrhea and, mid-way through dropping trou and spinning around to get his ass over the seat, just let it fly... There was shit EVERYWHERE... Walls, floors doors, the little divider that makes up the stall.. There was shit on the ceiling, in the trough, near the sink.. All over.. Lots of shit.. So I didn't use that bathroom. Cause it seemed unsanitary..

And that's pretty much the story of one of my trips to Tijuana. Lots of poop and nearly seeing chicks getting fucked by donkeys. Yeah, I don't think I want to go back there. Oh, on a pretty cool note, there was a shooting there a week later. The main drag (Independence Blvd. if I remember right) is where you really need to stay if you go to Tijuana. If you go off that path, god help you. But there's tons of shops and restaurants, cheap booze, cheap prescription drugs (I should've gotten some Viagra haha).. But it's pretty much just like an Arabian market.. People every where and vendors trying to pawn their wares on the unsuspecting white folk.. So apparently the governor or mayor of the region was driving in a motorcade down Independence when a bunch of militant guys come out and shoot the whole thing to hell. Ever see Clear and Present Danger? That's what I pictured happening. So yeah, I almost got shot... At least that's the spin I put on it to make it more relevant to my life.. 'Cuz it has absolutely no relevance to anything, except maybe the citizens of Tijuana, oops, I mean Mexico...

And if you do ever find yourself in Tijuana, here's a money saving tip for ya.. As you peruse all the shit these guys are selling, and you see something you might actually want, make sure you make eye contact with the vendor while you're checking it out, then put it down and start walking away. The price will drop by 1/2 before you get 3 steps. I was checking out one of those kick ass Mexican blankets that I love so much, and the proprietor of the establishment saw me. I wasn't super interested in it, but I guess I showed enough enthusiasm because as I start walking away, the owner comes running up behind me, shouting "$15!! $10!! $5!!" So, these blankets were marked as $20 each, and I ended up getting 2 for like $10.. So there you have it, frugal ones...