Ohhhhhhh "F"udddgggeeeee

Yeah, I know I know, it's been a few days.. I've been busy at work, which I suppose is a good thing, but I haven't had time to write these, which sucks partially because I've had a few people ask where they're at, but also because it's kinda therapeutic for me so I've been going mildly insane the last few days. I actually used arbitrary quotes yesterday; I gotta be honest, I died a little inside. But whatever, I'm back to the blogs, so I suppose we'll should continue the alphabet list.. On to "F":

Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!

fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.

fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..

Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.

Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)

Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..

Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..

Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..

Genocidal Cats!!

Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)

I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..

big farts hurt my butt

I was gonna write something about the farts I'm experiencing this morning, but I'm willing to bet most of you would be grossed out by it.. Suffice to say they are quite pungent today.. Stayed up until 3 or 4am last night snacking on a bunch of crap and now I'm all torn up.. Dunno why I stayed up late, there was no good reason for it.. Just didn't feel like sleeping.. I should've, cuz I'm tired as hell now, but fuck it.. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

So Thanksgiving is right around the corner.. Anyone have any big plans? Thanksgiving is kick ass.. You can gorge yourself on some of the dankest food you'll eat all year and no one will think less of you.. Ahh, sweet sweet gluttony.. You know, there's always been this weird tradition (if you can even call it a tradition) that on Thanksgiving, women are supposed to cook and men are supposed to sit around watching football.. Now I'm not gonna get all Fem Nazi Women's Lib on you, cuz god knows I think they're an inferior species (hahah jk jk), but I say that's bullshit.. Guys, if you can cook, get off your ass and help out.. Or shit, cook the meal yourself.. Chicks dig guys that can cook, and learning your way around a cooking device that doesn't involve propane or charcoal isn't a bad idea.. It doesn't make you any less of a man to know how to use an oven.. And really, do you need to watch the Lions play on Thanksgiving? Spoiler alert: they're gonna fucking lose!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (probably should hold off until at least Wednesday for this discussion, but oh well, I've gone too far), what are you all thankful for? Here's what I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

friends: the only real reason I'm still in Illinois
family: even though they piss me off on a regular basis, still gotta love 'em
Eric: for being the best friend a guy could ask for.. totally not gay for you bro
Dan: for being Dan.. and that's a great thing.. you're awesome dude, and I am totally gay for you.. I hate you?
Kate: what can I say, she's a super awesome chick.. though a bit argumentative hahaha jk (i'm not kidding) :)
boobs: seriously, who doesn't like them? even some straight chicks like playing with them
booze: mostly cuz it kinda rhymes with boobs, but also because it is a good thing, so screw you feminists of the 1920's!
bars: because they generally contain three things on my list: friends, boobs and booze.. though i've been to a few bars lately that have been a bit short on the boobs hahaha
work: as much as I bitch about it, I've got a pretty sweet job.. there's a compliment hidden somewhere in that last statement.. it's like Waldo, you just gotta look for it
Family Guy: ahh, the laughter...
Internet: porn, the Blog of Hilarity, myspace, google, videos of people getting punched in the nuts... all good things, all just a click away...
free shit: really anything that's free is good.. like samples when you're walking through a grocery store.. or the change bums hand you in their Styrofoam cups... oh, i'm supposed to GIVE them money, not TAKE it?? well wtf!! no wonder they get so pissed... well fuck them for using styrofoam cups.. carbon footprints indeed.. stupid jerks
Cyanide and Happiness: they make fun of Jesus, cancer, chi-mos.. everything about this is great

Ok guess it's time to go back to work.. *sigh* i'm sleepy.. 2-3 hours of sleep last night... fuck