louis ck is a funny man

Seriously, that guy is fucking insane, but also hilarious.. He's got some new standup on Showtime that we watched last night; fucking genius! There's one part where he's talking about how his kid is a picky eater.. He's like, "you're gonna fucking DIE if you don't eat, you fucking moron!" Hahahahahaha that is some funny shit.. Very true though.. Not that I have kids, but I've been around other people's kids enough to know the frustrations of kids' stubbornness... Or how they like to throw away the bowl of berries you just served them up after they've been begging you for them for the last hour.. I have often thought about just screaming some deranged shit at them like that, but I found that most parents aren't cool with you screaming profanities and balls of logic at their kids, no matter how right you may be.. One time, I was sitting on the floor and this kid was up in my face having a conversation.. So, things are going ok so far, right? Well then he starts screaming right in my face, like the loudest, most blood-curlingest (curlingest? not a word, i know, but fuck you) scream I'd ever heard, and literally INCHES from my face... So, naturally, I yell back, "YOU LIKE THAT?!?! YOU LIKE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!! SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" That's the natural reaction, right? Isn't that what most mature adults will do? Probably not, because most adults with kids recognize something that I didn't until that moment: screaming in a kid's face like that isn't scary to them, it's funny.. This kid actually had the nerve to smile as I was screaming.. Hahaha oh well, live and learn I guess..

Hahahaha an Indian guy just made a camel jockey joke... Hahahaha hilarious

merry christmas and all that

Well merry friggin' christmas everyone, and a happy new year to you all.. This will likely be my last blog this year, unless I really get bored during my time off and decide to say something really perverted.

Yeah I found out the other day that my company is going to shut down from 12/24-1/5.. Part of me is stoked because I'm on the verge of truly hating my job, yet part of me is wondering what the fuck i'm going to do for 10 days.. I could blog, sure.. I could also work out, maybe.. I could sit around in my underwear, occasionally scratching myself in provocative ways.. Hmm.. I like that idea the best. It's very difficult to do, you know.. Scratching oneself in a manner that would prove provocative to the opposite sex.. I mean really if you're sitting there scratching your balls/vag, you are more than likely not going to seem that attractive.. Either you just haven't showered and it's just some natural dirt build up, or you've got some sort of STD that is causing your nether-regions to itch something awful.. So either way, you're fucked.. And not in the good way that we all know and love..

And damn it I'm going to make this final declaration.. I fucking hate christmas music! I mean jesus christ, do I really have to listen to Bing Crosby singing Silent Night, Holy Night for 2 months?? Seriously, I think I could deal with it if, on Christmas Day, I listened to it.. But that's one day out of the year.. That I think I could handle.. And before anyone bitches that I'm being a scrooge on the holidays and i should count my blessings, go fuck yourself.. I am very happy that I don't have cancer, that I have a job, that I have a home, all that shit.. I am very grateful to myself for providing myself with that stuff.. Though if I did have cancer, or no job, or no home, these blogs could get significantly more interesting.. Hmm... And less frequent, cuz then I probably wouldn't have a computer or internet access, so I'd have to stalk Starbucks and use someone's computer while they're in the john..

Well anyway, that's the end of today's rant.. Wasn't really a rant, but whatever.. Happy holidays bitches! Be safe!

the weekend cure-all

So Friday was one of the roughest days I've had in a while.. I'm pretty sure I seriously considered jumping in front of a freight train on numerous occasions.. I guess it could've been worse.. I suppose someone I know could've called me to tell me they have some terminal illness or something awful like that... But no, it was just a god-awful, shitty fucking day.. Nothing like an awesome weekend to turn things around!

Friday night I got fucked up and threw snowballs at teddy bears, cars and Eric's walls.. We set fire to a doll.. We played single-shot-nerf-gun-spin-and-shoot... Oh and we broke through a flimsy kid's easle, and Eric's buddy thinks he broke his hand.. I say impossible because that thing was like punching through wet cardboard.. Shit Eric and I went for 4 layers at some point, like fucking Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, he throws down? True story... Anyway, there's a bunch of hilarious videos up now of this eventful evening, check out them out here:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&channelID=408764405

Saturday I spent with Kate's family.. Talk about immersion! haha It was great though, ate a shit ton of awesome food (that stuffing was the shizzle), drank a bunch of beers and had a bunch of laughs.. Her grandma threatened me with a knife at one point, and her aunt yelled at me because she thought I was talking about Bloomington, not Bloomingdale... Hilarious shit.. I was just trying to get directions to the highway, next thing I know I'm being scolded.. hahahaha well yeah, that's my life.. Try to do one thing, get yelled at about something almost unrelated.. hahaha good times..

Oh and last night we got drunk again, down in the city... Got scolded by some gay bartender about ordering Irish Car Bombs.. Apparently they had just had some meeting and decided they'd no longer serve them... Yet Kate was able to get a Jager Bomb AND a Miller Lite????!!! Yeah, that makes sense.. So the rest of us were like, "Ok, let's have 4 Guinneses, 4 shots of Jameson, and 4 shots of Bailey's..." But the bartender was on to our scheme... Damn him... But seriously, if you're going to serve one person a Jager bomb and a beer at the same time, surely you can deal up some Car Bombs there, barkeep.. Ahh well, I had a Guinness instead and it was good..

Oh man on the way back we stopped at the Des Plaines Oasis, because apparently eric and i are getting old and frequently have to pee.. I wonder if I should invest in some FloMax.. Anyway, so we go to McDonald's, and this guy is bitching up a storm about how it took 5 minutes to get his coffee.. I mean he's throwing a genuine temper tantrum.. What a little bitch that guy was.. I think we were both really close to saying something, but he just shuffled out in a pissy huff..

Ok this blog is retarded.. No poop stories.. Oh jesus, speaking of poop... I gotta go!!

driving through marshmallow fluff

Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell! Was that the cold, icy circle in Dante's Inferno? I can never remember.. It doesn't really matter, the point is it's fucking cold and shitty.. Anyway, it's not so much cold outside, but this snow is fucking nuts.. Unfortunately, it's that wet, icy snow that just makes everything wet and nasty, rather than that lighter, fluffier snow that you can mold into snowballs that are stronger than the titanium they use on the space shuttles and pelt people with them... Or go skiing on, whichever you prefer.. Me, I'm an asshole, so I'd prefer to cause injury.. hahaha jk jk

This morning started off pretty shitty.. Amazingly, I was able to get all this shit off of my car with little incident, so I thought things were looking up.. Then I hit up the starbucks on the way to work... Dicks... Then, the two main roads that make up 80% of my commute are covered in this slushy, shitty, sticky, slippery, sucky fucking shit that meteorologists refer to as a "Wintery Mix." Sounds cute and fluffy, right? WRONG! Apparently a "wintery mix" is code for "you're fucked! enjoy your commutes assholes!" Have you ever had that marshmallow fluff shit they sell in jars at the grocery store? Imagine if a giant tanker of that spilled out on the road and no one cleaned it up... Yeah, it's like driving through that..

And of course, as usual, work sucks my balls... Not in the cool way that will eventually make me spurt, but in the uncomfortable way that makes my balls and shaft regress into my body, making me look not unlike a chick or a post-op tranny.. Like in HS, if you ever got a beej from a chick with braces.. Dangerous games.. Or the one time I actually did zip up my cock a little in my jeans zipper... It wasn't at all like "There's Something About Mary" where one nut was hanging out on top of a little fleshy section of dong.. But let me tell you, it fucking hurt like hell.. I think I just grazed it too, cuz there was no broken skin or bleeding or anything like that, but my god I can't imagine the pain if it were any worse.. It's weird how funny that scene was in the movie, yet how tragically unfunny it is when it actually happened to me... But I bet a few of you got a laugh out of it... Hmm, it's all about perspective..

strange folk

Man, I was just thinking about the days when I was in restaurants and really living the dream. There's always a plethora of interesting characters that you get to interact with on a nightly basis.

This one time, as we were about to close up for the night, these two older ladies came in and wanted a quick bite to eat. When I say older, I mean like mid-30's, which at the time I would've considered older since I was only 18 or 19 when this happened. Really not the point.. Anyway, they're pretty hot for older chicks, probably both married but whatever, so I tell them we can make some tacos or some bullshit like that, but the full menu wouldn't be available. Now, this was in Naperville, so I was expecting them to play the typical Naperville-mom role and bitch up a storm.. Oh no, they were quite grateful, so I showed them to their seats and got some tacos going for them.. So they're sitting there eating their tacos, and I'm doing my side work (for those of you NOT familiar with the trials and tribulations of restaurant closing duties, that basically means you get to sit there and roll silverware into napkins, marry ketchups [fill one bottle with the remains of a different bottle], clean up your stations and blow the cook... What?? You're not supposed to blow the cook? Son of a bitch.. Fucking Mexicans..).. Anyway, so I'm sitting at one of the tables by these chicks, working on my silverware and marrying ketchups in my most seductive manner possible (there's nothing seductive about that process; it's akin to two gay guys "docking" minus the sleeve... check urbandictionary.com if you don't know what docking is), when one of them asks me to be a mediator in a discussion they were having.. Long story short, they asked me if it was ok for women to have boy toys, much in the same way men act as sugardaddies to what basically amounts to whores.. Seriously, if you are fucking a dude for his money, you are a whore (same goes for you guys that are with older chicks for money). I don't care how you slice it, you are both consenting to what amounts to prostitution and you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Damn, I digress again.. There's really not an awesome ending to this story unfortunately... I think the only way this story could end on an awesome note is if I banged both of those chicks in a wild drunken three-way.. Didn't happen.. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps things would've been different.. Maybe not, who knows..

I was working at this bar in Naperville one time (different place from the clever little anecdote you just enjoyed) and this patron asked me to sell him weed.. Hahaha I was like dude, are you fucking kidding? Even if I smoked weed, I wouldn't sell some random bar douche (who was alone, mind you) some drugs.. I wonder if he was undercover.. Come to think of it, that would make sense.. Hmm, I may have made a really good decision that night.. Cuz god knows if I was stupid, I could've gotten him some shit.. Spoiler alert: almost everyone that works in restaurants and/or bars gets high or drunk on a regular basis.. Like every night.. At work, after work, days off, whatever... Restaurant workers are quite fond of inebriation of any variety. It's rarely a stressful job, maybe a few hours a night on Friday/Saturday dinner shifts, but fuck, it's VERY conducive to wanting to get fucked up.. Maybe being surrounded by booze and drunks all day and night... We used to get these weekend-warrior-types that would come in on Sunday mornings and get completely annihilated on bloody marys from like 10am until 5pm.. It was like their day job on Sundays.. And let me tell you, they were certainly good at it..

I was the middle man of a fight there one time.. This guy in my section asked me to send some other dude a Shirley Temple (7up or sprite and grenadine, which is a cherry syrup.. basically makes Cherry 7up... grenadine and coke = dank cherry coke... you get the idea). I should've figured he was being a dick... He's one of those guys that, nowadays, you'd see wearing an Affliction shirt, looking like a fucking douche at the bar.. Yeah, I said it.. Affliction shirts are fucking stupid and they should all be gathered into a pile and burned, along with anyone that buys them.. Burn you douches, burn!!! But anyway, I figure this other dude is someone he knows and he's just messing with him, so I bring it out.. Turns out, they don't know each other, and the recipient proceeds to beat the shit out of my customer.. I felt bad at the time, but looking back I'm pretty sure he deserved it.. Moral of the story, don't insult someone you don't know at a bar unless you are ready to fight him.. Or her, if you're either a dude that likes to beat up chicks or a chick that likes to beat up chicks.. Mmmm.... Chick on chick action... hahahaha

a fine line between being a dick and a bubbly fucker

So I'm a big fan of Starbucks.. Call me a yuppy, call me stuffy, call me what you will, but man those Black Eyes really get me going in the morning. But I've recently experienced a unique phenomenon at the store by my place; every employee there is a fucking prick. It's weird, I know. Most Starbucks you go to there's some 40 year old woman that acts like she's a 14 year old girl hopped up on Red Bull and coke.. Most greetings go something like, "HI! Welcome to Starbucks! Would you like to try a Double Mocha Macchiato Skinny Latte with Soy Milk and No Foam?" or some other coffee drink that takes a degree in physics to order.. But the people at my Starbucks, they can't be bothered to look up from their cash register or espresso machine long enough to flash a smile or even nod a hello. I know it's 7am, but fuck, you work at Starbucks.. I'm pretty sure it's kinda their thing.. In all honesty, I think I'd rather be barraged by fake happiness rather than honest disdain. At least they're trying to be cheerful, even if in the back of their mind they're thinking about all the shit they have to deal with in their lives or at their jobs. This old dude at the store I go to, he's just a fucking prick.

And speaking of physics degrees to order coffee, I was once at a Starbucks and this guy in front of me actually ordered a coffee like that but at a very specific temperature... Really? I mean Jesus Christ, it's not a fucking ham. You're not going to get e coli from a cup of coffee.. I'm sure he thought it was the perfect drinking temperature, but whatever.. It's coffee, it's hot, deal with it. Remember that one dummy that sued McDonald's because the coffee was too hot? Yeah, that's the kinda world we live in; dummies make the rules, and the rest of us sit here and wonder what the fuck is going on.

Oh well, short one today.. Off to deal with amazingly, improbably retarded people.. The kind of people that, when they speak, you often wonder, "how are you able to function on a daily basis?" You know the kind of which I speak..

You're Dancing Your Way Straight to Helll!!

Ok, so I don't want to be one of those bloggers that grabs content from someone else, dumps it in here, and comments on it as though my thoughts and ideas are not only unique and original, but pertinent to your daily lives.. But today, I will be that guy. You've gotta see this:

Check this out

Before I get into the meat of this, understand something.. I don't care if you're Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist.. I just don't care.. But what I can't stand are these fundamentalist, conservative assholes that believe that everything mankind does, everything that makes life worth living, is evil. I can just imagine some Baptist pastor giving his potty-training child a copy of "You're a Naughty Child and That's Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside" so he can learn to shit on the toilet, in His sight..

In college, there used to be these preachers that would hang out in the commons and sermonize. I think they were Baptist, but I also don't think it really matters. Sure, Baptists are pretty fundamental, but I'm sure some of them know how to party.. Ok, probably not, but whatever, I'm willing to bet most of them aren't pricks. Anyway, these guys were fucking crazy. First of all, there were always 2 preachers at least, and on occasion, their families joined them! How fun, right kids?! Here's how I envision this going down:

"Daddy, I want to go to school and play with the other children!"
"But the other children are pagans and will burn in the depths of Hell for eternity. You don't want God to think you are one of them, do you?"
(Child looks wistfully out the window)
"No, I suppose not."

It's like a dick version of Ned Flanders. At least Ned had a slight sense of humor about his own Bible-banging ways.. These preachers, though, were all business. A couple notable memories of these guys and their wacky antics:

1) During one especially rousing sermon on abortion, in which the preachers claimed all female college students were whores and all male college students were pimps, one of the preachers took a 6 foot long poster of an aborted fetus and ran up to a group of kids (I'm talking like 3rd graders) and was yelling, "don't kill our future!" or something to that effect... First of all, not ALL college females are whores, because I tried to bang a bunch of them, and, even after offering to pay, I still got shot down, so that disproves that theory. Second, not all male students could be pimps; most of the dudes I knew were poor, so either they weren't pimps or they just weren't very good at pimping. And third, do you REALLY need to show a group of 3rd graders a fetus that looks like the Bay Harbor Butcher got a hold of it?

2) During a speech on discipline, the preachers claimed that we (the students) all turned out like shit due to bad parenting and poor discipline.. According to these guys, if you aren't hitting your kids or verbally abusing them on a regular basis, you aren't doing your job as a parent. It's true, you know.. If Little Johnny ends up with a few bruises, just use the old "he fell down the stairs" excuse.. And then beat him when he gets home for bruising so easily.. One guy stood up and told them that his dad never hit him and he turned out just fine.. One of the preachers called his dad a pussy.. A PUSSY!! Do you believe that shit? The balls on this guy...

But anyway, back to the whole point of this.. That lady is really going to hell for dancing? If I were god, I'd send the guy in the picture on the right to hell for being a smug fuck. What ever happened to the whole philosophy of man not judging his fellow man? And don't be a feminist bitch about that sentence, I wrote it like that for simplicity. I hate people that use "he/she" or "his/her".. Shut the fuck up with your women's lib bullshit. I digress.. I really have to imagine that, if god does exist, he is not stupid enough to send someone to hell for dancing. Though according to Rev. Falwell, dancing leads to all sorts of other fun activities like sex, drug use, drinking, smoking and *gasp* more dancing! This may very well be the least thought out slippery slope fallacy I've ever heard.. Plus, he's got it backwards.. Most of the time, drinking and drug use leads to dancing, not the other way around.. Who out there is like, "man, I've danced my ass off.. better eat some X"? No sir, I'm quite sure it's never gone down like that.

I wonder if the term Bible-banger has any roots in reality.. Do you think there's a bible somewhere with a hole cut into it with the stains of KY around the edges? I bet someone's gone there.. Ewww the papercuts.. Well, couldn't be any worse than being a heroin junkie that's run out of veins, so he pops a boner just so he can shoot it in the 'ole Blue Vein.. Gangrenous weiners are gross.. But any junkie that shows that kind of commitment deserves an award, like a Boy Scout badge of honor or something, maybe the key to the city.. I dunno, but there should definitely be an event of some sort. Whatever, you know you'd want to hear about it.

drinking until i have old football injuries

So the bailout was denied, that's good news.. That's all I'm going to say about it because otherwise I will have to lick Eric's cobra, which I am not at all looking forward to.. I bet he'd be a dick and let it stew unwashed for a week just to make it that much worse..

Anyway, I'm ridiculously hung over this morning, yet somehow in a pretty decent mood.. My head is throbbing, pulsing in places I didn't know blood even flowed.. And I swear to god I think I injured myself last night, but I don't remember crashing into anything.. And before anyone says "oh that's because you were drunk," no, I wasn't black-out drunk last night.. But now my shoulder is all fucked up like I aggravated an old college football injury.. The fucked up part is I didn't play football in college, so who knows what's going on with my shoulder today.. All I know is it hurts like hell, my brain is throbbing in strange places, and I know at some point in the very near future I'm going to have some nasty beer shits..

Speaking of which, what is it about lots of beer, and really alcohol in general, that makes you shit something fierce? I'm really curious now.. The stretch of innards from my stomach all the way to my butthole is just churning today.. And I'm kinda gassy too now, so I'm gonna be farting all day, and hang-over farts smell like death.. Last time this happened, which wasn't that long ago if you can believe it, I farted in my office and it was so bad I had to go outside.. You know you're in bad shape when you can't stand the smell of your own farts.. Not that my other farts smell like peaches, but after 28 years of dealing out my own butt-stink-bombs, you kinda get used to the regular ones.. They become like warm familiar blankets.. Not really, but you know what I mean.. Maybe I'm on my own on this one.. But hang-over farts, and shits for that matter, are just pure concentrated evil. Oh and throw some coffee on top of that.. I'm surprised I haven't shit yet.. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast this morning, I'd probably be in pretty bad shape..

And, Mr. Wilferd Brimley, learn how to pronounce diabetes properly.. And don't give me that "tomatoes, tomahtoes" bullshit.. You can stick that in a sack mister.. Or up your ass, I don't really give a shit which.. Go back to your Quaker Oats.. Or do a duo with John Ratzenberger about the importance of buying American... I dunno why I always associate those two, but I do.. It's because my mind is fucked up, but don't tell anyone.. Shit, cat's out of the bag..

people are idiots

What the hell is going on in this country? I say this country because I'm not well traveled beyond the contiguous 48 states.. But there definitely seems to be an air of entitlement in our society that is destroying us from the inside out, and NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE IT!! It's very disturbing; this country used to have a hard-working attitude that made us what we are. In the 1940's, we sling-shot right past the rest of the world in terms of manufacturing because we were able to come together as a (wait for it) UNITED country.. We were in a war, and the only reason we won is because we worked together (the most tangible evidence are the war machines and other manufactured items we churned out of our factories).

Now, we have auto manufacturers that have run their businesses into the ground for a million different reasons, not the least of which is greedy fucking executives looking for their handouts, and they expect a bailout? Fuck you! I work for a small manufacturer in Illinois... So, if we start hemorrhaging money like these auto makers, will the government even consider giving us money? No, because we have a minimal effect on the economy.. But you know what, at least we're not plunging the economy into the Dark Ages.

And why in the hell is the guy driving the fork lift making $85k per year? Or the guy putting lug nuts on the wheels making $20-something per hour? Are these people educated attorneys? Apparently I'm in the wrong business... Oh wait, that's right, I have a fucking conscience that prohibits me from getting something for nothing.. Fuck me...

I feel very alone in the world when it comes to this.. Welfare, unemployment, labor unions... The list of programs originally intended to help EXPLOITED people are now the butt of jokes... The programs themselves are now being exploited. We don't need fucking labor unions anymore. Children are not working in factories for 20 hours a day, getting paid in bread crumbs, and losing limbs to heavy machinery. Lower class workers are now protected from the tyranny of upper management, not by labor unions, but by law. And now the labor unions are "working with" the auto makers to help relieve some of the financial burdens.. It's a little fucking late guys.. Did anyone ever stop and say, "hmm, this doesn't look right." No, they got fat and happy suckling the teet of society, and now that we're in one of the worst financial crises in modern America, they want to come to the table and look like a hero... "We'll give back!" they say.. It's too fucking late guys.. You can't just undo 40 years of shitty decision making with a snap of the fingers and expect the taxpayers to bail you fucking assholes out..

You know what, WE'VE BEEN BAILING YOU OUT FOR 40 YEARS AS CONSUMERS! That $20,000 car should probably be worth around $10k, but then how will you pay the forklift operator $85k per year? Hmm...

Well, I'm done.. Enough ranting today. This world is fucked and there's very little anyone can do about it. Unfortunately, these fucking people that feel so entitled are in the majority now... Only the minority wants to work hard and contribute to society in exchange for fair compensation. And in this country, majority rules. So we're fucked. Happy Thursday everyone.

Blag is going DOWN!!

So we Illinois-ians got some awesome news yesterday.. Apparently our Governor is a shady crook.. Can you say deja vu? Our last governor isn't even out of prison for the shady shit he was doing, and now our current governor is facing some pretty serious charges... Awesome.. No wonder people don't trust politicians... So far, here's a few things I've heard:

1) was essentially auctioning Barak Obama's empty senate seat... Apparently the governor has the power to appoint someone to the seat, and he was taking what amounts to bribes to fill it.. He actually told an aide that if he doesn't get enough money for it, he'd just take the seat himself.. so either further his own political career and set himself up for even bigger fish later, or take a hefty buyout now.. The balls on this guy...

2) tried to get a bunch of people on the Tribune's board of editors fired.. I guess they were printing some pretty bad stuff about the governor, and he didn't like that.. Now, before anyone gets all defensive, what they were printing wasn't libelous or slanderous.. It was the truth, which, as far as I understand it, is open for printing.. Any journalists out there that can verify?

3) threatened to withhold $8 million in funding to the Children's Memorial Hospital if he didn't get a $50k payout.. Seriously? You're going to withhold money from dying children so you can line your own pocket? Man, and I thought I had a one way ticket to hell...

Now, here's the funny part... I guess the Feds have recordings of all of this shit.. And this morning, Blag's attorney actually appears on TV with this gem:

"Governor Blagojevich believes he hasn't done anything wrong and that he will be vindicated."

Dude, your dumb-shit client was recorded talking to numerous people about this shit, and he was blatantly engaged in some pretty serious criminal activities.. In a word, he's fucked... But have fun with that trial!

On a much lighter side note, I had the best DMV experience ever yesterday... I know, sounds weird, right? Yeah I was in and out of that place in less than 10 minutes.. Got a new DL and state ID, so now I'm ready for some bar hopping as soon as it stops snowing so damn much.... People are idiots when it snows here.. It's like they've never seen these magical white flakes and lose all ability to function while driving.. Have you ever been to LA when it rains? Yeah, it's kinda like that.. People in LA are fucking idiots when it comes to driving.. Last time I was out there (I believe the same trip I met Danny Glover) there was a light drizzle and BAM! gridlock... I asked the cabbie if traffic was usually this bad (it was only like 2 or 3 in the afternoon, so it couldn't have been rush hour) and he said, "no, it's raining." I'm like "are you kidding?" Then he gives me this look like, "yeah, duh, don't you see the spots on the window?" I wanted to punch him right in the mouth... Obviously I know it's raining at this moment you dip shit... I just didn't realize people in LA seize up when moisture falls from the sky.. *sigh* I fucking hate LA... can you tell?

back by popular demand

Well guys, sorry it's been a while. I would love to say that I was out in Tibet mountain climbing, or maybe in Hawaii sitting on a beach with some sort of frozen fruit drink that requires one of those little umbrellas (or maybe a Mai Tai!!), or even in Pittsburgh with no internet access, but those would all be lies.. The plain and simple truth is I've been freaking lazy about this. Oh, and I didn't have anything worth saying.. Then again, do I ever? Eh, maybe..

I did write one up on Thursday last week, but it was mostly angry and depressing, so I just gave up. It was mostly about how tired I am of so many things... I mean this thing was a bitch fest to end all bitch fests.. Even I was like, 'dude, quit your bitching already!' And that's bad, when you bitch so much that even YOU are tired of hearing about it.. Fuck..

But anyway things are looking up.. My job still makes me want to strangle premature pygmy hippos, but besides that, I can't really bitch. My parents are actually making an effort to see me this Christmas, which is nice because prior to that they would just bitch and moan that I wasn't going to see them.. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, they are trying to sell their house, so like 2 months ago when I could get decent airfare, they had no idea where they'd be in December... Now, like 2-3 weeks beforehand, they're like, 'oh, we'll be here.. are you coming out?' Yeah, sure, I'll just donate my kidney and maybe my left teste (the right one is the strong one anyway) so I can buy a fucking plane ticket.. *sigh* But yeah, I'm excited to see them.. It was going to be a really depressing holiday this year, but things seem to be coming together nicely.. Now I just need to cover my booze requirements and I'll be good to go.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping.. I avoid it like the plague.. Or like ET in Family Guy when he wouldn't touch Tom Hanks because Tom Hanks had AIDS... Much like that.. I hate Christmas shopping.. I hate Christmas music.. I do like lights though, but that's probably because I get so wasted all the time that they seem take on a magical life of their own.. I like it when they dance.. What's wrong with me? I was going to go shopping yesterday, but 8:30 rolled around and I wasn't about to start shopping at 8:30pm.. Maybe I'll just do everything online this year.. Part of me feels mildly guilty for being lazy about it, but on the other hand, is a gift any more special if I deal with crowded stores, grouchy assholes, annoying kids, Christmas music, and all that jazz just to get you a gift? Nah, I didn't think so.. It's the thought that counts, not the effort, right? Maybe I'll make gifts out of construction paper, glue and glitter... Ooo I could enjoy a few glue bags that way... Hahaha jk jk... no i'm not... haha

Welcome to my mind... Be afraid.. Be very afraid

Welcome, all, to my blog.. It's origins are deeply rooted in Welsh mythology.. Actually, that's not true.. I just feel like blogging, and if you feel like reading, well then all is right with the world.

Many of the posts that go up right away are from my myspace blog, so if you've read them there, no need to read them here (so from 9/10 through 12/3). I'll start posting new ones here tomorrow.

harry fucking gordon selfridge

Harry Gordon Selfridge.. 1858-1947.. Thank god that guy is gone.. You know the expression "the customer is always right"? Yeah, we have that douche bag to thank for that.. This all goes back to that sense of entitlement thing I talked about WAY back when I first started this blog (yeah like a whole two months ago... LONG long time ago).. You know what, the customer is NOT always right, but since we've ingrained this (I can't believe I'm about to use this word) paradigm so deeply in modern business relationships, customers parade around like fucking peacocks spreading their feathers and think that whatever they want goes and fuck all else.

Now, understand something very important.. I'm not at all suggesting that businesses treat customers like shit. Far from it, that would be counterproductive for everyone because everyone would be getting fucked over. I'm simply suggesting that as customers, we not act like the world owes us something. It doesn't. Feel free to ask, it's your right as an American (America, FUCK YEAH!), just don't bitch and moan like a mom on Christmas Eve looking for the newest Tickle-Me-Elmo doll for her shitty brat child at home..

Besides, what kind of name is Harry Gordon Selfridge? Is he a serial killer? Maybe an assassin? Seriously, who goes by all three names unless you are one of those two, or just some self-righteous fuck that started a couple department stores in England. Kudos, Mr. Selfridge, I hope you are burning in hell.

And speaking of Christmas shopping, anyone that goes out on Black Friday needs to be dragged out to the street and shot repeatedly. Stop this fucking madness already! People are getting trampled, shot, stabbed and beaten just so they can get their hands on some stupid toy.. Notice it's never someone getting stabbed over something vital or useful, like a blender or a vacuum, but it's for a PS3 or a Tickle-Me-Elmo or a Cabbage Patch Kid (wow, I'm old...).. This shit has got to stop.. Some parting words of advice: shop online, save yourself the headache, and fuck those crowds... Seriously, the madness we witness every year after Thanksgiving reminds me of that commercial on Family Guy for the Best Thing Ever (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/1030608/).. Thank god for Family Guy.

enough with the snow already

First decent snowfall and I'm already over it.. What a pity. The thing I probably hate most about the winter is it is just barely light out when I get to work, and it's usually getting dark by the time I leave. I feel like a fucking vampire, though I don't feel dead inside, and I do have a reflection.. Oh, and I like garlic.. Ok, so I'm not a vampire. That's the good news. The bad news? I fucking hate winter! It was cool as a kid when you could run around and white-wash people (or get white-washed, depending on your perspective) or throw snowballs or go sledding. Now if I do that, I have angry parents calling the cops on me. How was I supposed to know it's inappropriate for me to white-wash little Johnny? What kind of world do we live in?

You know what would be sweet? Have a shit ton of money and just go to Mexico for the winter.. Or any place warm.. Maybe I'll just move to Mexico permanently.. I like Mexicans, I like their food, I like their climate... The only thing I don't like is their music, and even that makes me bob my head occasionally, so maybe it's not all that bad.. Except the nylon guitar strings.. Who the hell uses nylon? And don't say mariachi bands..

Besides migrating, another nice option for the winter would be hibernation.. I'd love to stock up my apartment with food and water and then sleep from mid-November through, oh, March-ish... I love sleep.. I need to figure out how to make a decent living by sleeping.. I doubt it's possible, unless I become a guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies.. Which would be cool, 'cause then I'd get some sweet drugs that knock me out.. Hmm.. New career path? Perhaps...

Anyways.. Pretty much everyone I know that reads this is an adult by now, if only by the legal definition.. Anyone else getting tired of adulthood yet? I understand that we all have some deep-rooted social obligation to not be leeches on the teat of society, and I'm certainly willing to go along with it and do my part, but man does it fucking suck sometimes. Is this really what life is supposed to be? An endless procession of similarly-themed days (wake up, shower, work, go home, sleep, repeat) with the occasional weekend debauchery? Maybe that's why I like partying during the week too... My work week is usually aggravating and frankly makes me want to punch a kitten in the mouth.. Any PETA people read this? Yeah? Good, because I like making fur carpets out of bear hides.. So yeah...

Fuck I'm bored... This day is gonna drag, I can see it already.. Oh well, back to it I guess.

turkeys, museums and snow

So another Thanksgiving has come and gone and, admittedly, this was probably one of my all-time favorites.. As much as I miss my family, hanging out with good friends on Thanksgiving was really sweet. We made a shit ton of food, drank from 10am to about midnight and watched a bunch of TV.. Oh yeah, and the Lions lost.. Big fuckin' surprise.. Who saw that coming? Oh, yeah, pretty much anyone who knows anything about football.. *sigh* I wish they'd stop parading the Lions and the Cowboys out for the Thanksgiving games every year.. The Lions have been irrelevant for years and the Cowboys just aren't America's Team anymore.. Ok enough football.. Does anyone really care? Probably not.. And did anyone watch the Macy's parade? yeah, me neither..

Speaking of the parade, I'd like to know who chooses the floats.. I mean, they had the fucking Rugrats as a float this year... Is that even a show anymore? And why is Santa in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? I didn't realize he operated on T-Day.. I really hate how spread out the Christmas season is nowadays.. Christmas music has been playing since the beginning of November for god's sake.. Is that really necessary? Is that supposed to get me into the spirit of the holidays? 'Cuz it doesn't work.. In fact, it mostly just angers me.. I dunno, maybe I'm just a scrooge.. It's messed up, because I like Christmas, whether it's spent with friends or family.. But I fucking HATE Christmas music.. I'm gonna put a temporary ban on 93.9 being played in my car (haha Kate, take that!).. I really should just make it a permanent ban, because I don't even want to listen to that station when it's not playing Christmas music.. I feel like I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office every time I hear Genesis or any other Phil Collins' or Peter Gabriel work.. Eww..

Anyways, I spent a pleasant afternoon at the Museum of Science & Industry on Sunday.. That place is sweet.. Way better than the Adler Planetarium (which, by the way, has absolutely NO information on its namesake, Max Adler).. The exhibits at MSI are so much more interactive and hands-on, which is especially nice for kids that feel the need to touch everything they see. Can't say I blame them, I found myself entranced more than a few times by the touch-screen magic.. You could even program a robot to dance... Wonder if you could program one to blow you? I bet some nerdy scientific type somewhere has tried and probably has the scars to prove it.. He shoulda rigged it with a pocket vagina... Stupid scientist...

And yeah, it's snowing already! I went out to have a smoke last night, and it was snowing harder than blow falling out of Tony Montana's nose at the end of Scarface.. Only 6 more months of this to go! Who's with me! Fuck...

Ok, well work is starting to anger me, so before I start taking it out on this blog, I'm gonna call it a day.. Sorry this one was lame.. Gotta get back into the swing of things.