I would say this is going to be back with a vengeance, but I hate promising things that I know will likely not happen. However, after a fucking awesome Lawrence Arms show on Saturday night (thanks for the ticket random nameless donor!!), I feel inspired to be a sociopath on this blog again.
Let me start by saying that the Larry Arms show was, as previously mentioned, a serious orgy of awesome drunkenness. I use orgy metaphorically, as I was not a participant in an actual orgy, though after that show, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that there was some shenanigans going on at the after party. According to BK's blog (no, not the creepy Burger King, but the awesome Brendan Kelly), some chick got her ass signed.. Some dude got a hand job.. Kudos all around! Eric, next time one of your friends is getting married on the day of a show, you need to punch him/her square in the nuts/vagina. Just sayin' dude.. But even without my usual partner in crime, I managed to get plenty wasted and enjoy a great show. Mike Park was weird.. Not what I expected.. All I remember is a song about the awesomeness of apples and the plethora of uses for said fruit.. But hey, to each their own.. La Plebe was some Latino ska band from Oakland I believe.. Kinda crazy to hear some thrashing ska in Spanish.. But cool all the same.. I'll have to check out their album(s).. And The Menzingers were a decent band from Philly (fuck yeah East Coast!).. I don't remember particularly liking or disliking them, not through any real fault of their own, but because at that point I was drooling for Larry Arms to take the stage.. Also for the beers..
What a strange morning.. I'm losing like 10 minutes at a time here and there.. I look at the clock, it's 8:00... What seems like a minute later, it's 8:12 already.. Crazy.. My mind must be on lock down..
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
hello kiddo
Hey everybody, it's been a long time.. I remember at some point I promised daily blogs, and I did that for about 2 months solid, which for me is a real accomplishment. Then, as all things inevitably go in my life, I just quit. Sure, I may have posted a few here and there in the passing months, but I haven't done back-to-back blogs since April 7-8.. Frankly, I was surprised it was that recent.. But whatever, I've been busy, my job is kicking the shit out of me, my dog has been pissing in my apartment, i've been getting drunker than a sailor in Thailand, I got in a car accident and totaled my Impala, etc. etc. So here we go, I'm back, at least for today; don't be surprised if it takes me another month to do this again..
This Governor Sanford thing really had me chuckling this morning while I was getting ready and watching the news. I don't know why I've been watching the news so much recently; frankly it's quite demoralizing and only serves to augment my cynicism toward the world. But gems like yesterday's news conference in which this guy tearfully confessed to having an affair sometimes make it all worthwhile. If you don't know the story, this guy disappeared for 6 days, allegedly hiking in the Appalachians. Turns out he flew to Argentina to bang some chick. Now, I'm no politician, but I'm pretty sure if you're some high ranking government official (like a governor, senator, representative, etc.) you're supposed to just bang some young intern at your office and fire her.. Again, I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm quite sure that's how it usually goes. And you know what? They usually get away with it. You start flying out of the country and leaving your state car at an airport in Atlanta, people are going to start asking questions. So let this be a lesson to all of you government officials: stay close to home, hire some young intern, bang her in a seedy motel, and fire her. Which reminds me, I recently heard that senators are exempt from sexual harassment suits, meaning that they can do all the boob-honking and ass-spanking they want without fear of legal retaliation. I wish my high school guidance counselor told me that when I was trying to figure out my career.. Totally would've gone in a different direction. If I ever have a son, I'll be sure to point him towards politics. Nothing like living vicariously through your offspring.
A friend of mine recently told me that they didn't get a job because his would-be employer checked his Facebook and/or MySpace and found a picture of him drinking beer or hugging some chick or some other morally questionable act. I think that's bullshit. I'm sorry, but partying and having a good time isn't a bad thing. I'm failing to see what his partying has to do with his potential employment. It's not like he's a public figure. He's not going into politics, or the priesthood (tongue-in-cheek.. wait, is that a tongue? oh god!), or some other arena where your moral integrity is under scrutiny. He's not Michael Phelps. He wasn't doing lines of coke off a prostitute's ass. The fucking guy wanted an office job, the same as the rest of us working stiffs and, according to his Facebook pictures, he also likes to unwind on the weekend. Fucking devil! Which brings me full circle to my point: me.. I wonder if I'm ever going to be turned down from a job because of this blog. I don't make an effort to hide it. In fact I make a quasi-conscious effort to have people read it. It's mostly for my own bemusement, because I like to say fucked up stuff but I don't always have the wherewithal to spit it out in person. Or sometimes my conscience doesn't allow me to say it because tender ears are present. But really the things I say on here are for entertainment only. Perhaps I should include a fine print disclaimer on all of my blogs so people understand I'm just fucking joking. Lighten up, people, learn to laugh at life. I'm not actually going to suggest my future son become a senator so he can harass young interns.. Actually, scratch that one, I will probably do that..
Ok if you couldn't tell, I'm running on fumes here. I don't know what my deal is, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's starting to catch up to me. I feel sluggish, mentally and physically.. But I'll try to get back to blogging more frequently. Mostly for my own sanity and need to get some things out, but also for your amusement. I think this is amusing.. Sometimes anyway..
Later..
This Governor Sanford thing really had me chuckling this morning while I was getting ready and watching the news. I don't know why I've been watching the news so much recently; frankly it's quite demoralizing and only serves to augment my cynicism toward the world. But gems like yesterday's news conference in which this guy tearfully confessed to having an affair sometimes make it all worthwhile. If you don't know the story, this guy disappeared for 6 days, allegedly hiking in the Appalachians. Turns out he flew to Argentina to bang some chick. Now, I'm no politician, but I'm pretty sure if you're some high ranking government official (like a governor, senator, representative, etc.) you're supposed to just bang some young intern at your office and fire her.. Again, I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm quite sure that's how it usually goes. And you know what? They usually get away with it. You start flying out of the country and leaving your state car at an airport in Atlanta, people are going to start asking questions. So let this be a lesson to all of you government officials: stay close to home, hire some young intern, bang her in a seedy motel, and fire her. Which reminds me, I recently heard that senators are exempt from sexual harassment suits, meaning that they can do all the boob-honking and ass-spanking they want without fear of legal retaliation. I wish my high school guidance counselor told me that when I was trying to figure out my career.. Totally would've gone in a different direction. If I ever have a son, I'll be sure to point him towards politics. Nothing like living vicariously through your offspring.
A friend of mine recently told me that they didn't get a job because his would-be employer checked his Facebook and/or MySpace and found a picture of him drinking beer or hugging some chick or some other morally questionable act. I think that's bullshit. I'm sorry, but partying and having a good time isn't a bad thing. I'm failing to see what his partying has to do with his potential employment. It's not like he's a public figure. He's not going into politics, or the priesthood (tongue-in-cheek.. wait, is that a tongue? oh god!), or some other arena where your moral integrity is under scrutiny. He's not Michael Phelps. He wasn't doing lines of coke off a prostitute's ass. The fucking guy wanted an office job, the same as the rest of us working stiffs and, according to his Facebook pictures, he also likes to unwind on the weekend. Fucking devil! Which brings me full circle to my point: me.. I wonder if I'm ever going to be turned down from a job because of this blog. I don't make an effort to hide it. In fact I make a quasi-conscious effort to have people read it. It's mostly for my own bemusement, because I like to say fucked up stuff but I don't always have the wherewithal to spit it out in person. Or sometimes my conscience doesn't allow me to say it because tender ears are present. But really the things I say on here are for entertainment only. Perhaps I should include a fine print disclaimer on all of my blogs so people understand I'm just fucking joking. Lighten up, people, learn to laugh at life. I'm not actually going to suggest my future son become a senator so he can harass young interns.. Actually, scratch that one, I will probably do that..
Ok if you couldn't tell, I'm running on fumes here. I don't know what my deal is, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's starting to catch up to me. I feel sluggish, mentally and physically.. But I'll try to get back to blogging more frequently. Mostly for my own sanity and need to get some things out, but also for your amusement. I think this is amusing.. Sometimes anyway..
Later..
Friday, May 22, 2009
Swine Flu?? Please...
A couple weeks ago, swine flu was the talk of the town, so to speak. The head of the WHO (no, not the guy that got busted for kiddie porn) declared two weeks ago that it was an imminent threat of becoming a pandemic. Yesterday, she backtracked and claimed "swine flu would need to become a 'global phenomenon' before it could be declared a pandemic." So far, only about 5 countries have reported cases of swine flu. 87 total deaths. 9800 cases. Boo freaking hoo.. You want a plague? You want a REAL pandemic? Check out these bad boys that, combined, have killed an estimated 100 million people. That's 1/3 of the current US population, or almost all of Mexico.. Groovy, eh?
A PLAGE UPON THEE!!
In other news, I have to poop, so there you have it. Later kids
A PLAGE UPON THEE!!
In other news, I have to poop, so there you have it. Later kids
Monday, May 18, 2009
am i picking on asians today? you betcha!
All I am going to say is... what... the... fuck... Asians are weird.. This weekend, I was driving through Little Korea in the city and I drove by a shop called "Seoul Video Fishing." I really considered stopping in to see what the hell that was about, but I was in a bit of a hurry so I didn't. It's over on Lawrence Ave though, so I suppose some day I'll have to give myself extra time to check it out. I'm imagining one of several possibilities:
1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.
Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:
1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.
Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:
Friday, May 8, 2009
matthew mcconaughey is just awful
Good Monday to you all. If you're reading this, you are one of two people: either you're at work and slacking off, or you're at home and slacking off. Either way, you're my favorite type of person: a slacker! So slack on, slacker, and enjoy.
So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.
Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.
Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.
McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.
Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..
Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.
Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:
I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.
And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!
So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.
Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.
Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.
McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.
Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..
Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.
Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:
I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.
And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
science jokes are fun
Really, most science jokes are not fun. I had a teacher in grade school that used to make stupid puns about science stuff in a futile attempt to keep the class's attention. I wish I could remember them, but I think my brain has blocked out the memories.. I guess the closest equivalent would be if a math teacher said, "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!" Get it? Seven Ate Nine? Seven EIGHT Nine... Yeah, it doesn't translate well in written form, but oh well you get the idea..
Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:
It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:
Britney Spears is on the Rag!
EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos
What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!
And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..
Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?
Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.
But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!
Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:
It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:
Britney Spears is on the Rag!
EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos
What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!
And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..
Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?
Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.
But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
ahhh, clever euphemisms
From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this gem about always knowing EXACTLY what you're getting into...
Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..
Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww
Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..
Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
fuck comcast
So I finally am rid of the evil empire known as Comcast. I really hate those fucking people. They've been such a monopoly for so long that they still have that "if you don't like it, go fuck yourself" attitude. The good news is that's no longer the case. Most of us have options now. WoW, RCN, AT&T and satellite (DirecTV and the like) are all making waves and offering some serious competition to Comcast. Personally, I switched to AT&T, which despite issues with getting the installation done, has been working out great. Besides, they are giving me a ton of credit for their fuck ups on the installation, so I'm happy.
The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.
So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.
Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...
So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"
At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...
Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.
The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.
So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.
Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...
So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"
At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...
Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
sticking with it
Since I have absolutely nothing original to say today (ie I'm incapable of pulling a blog out of my ass like my man BK is perfectly capable of doing on a nearly daily basis), I'm bringing you a collection of internet tidbits I've seen over the last few days. Enjoy:
Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts
Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:
1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?
2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.
But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!
I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes
Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.
Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn
The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.
Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs
I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.
Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.
Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!
I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.
Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts
Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:
1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?
2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.
But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!
I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes
Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.
Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn
The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.
Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs
I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.
Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.
Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!
I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.
Monday, April 6, 2009
april fools
A few people I know decided to play April Fool's jokes on the general populous, and I even got some backlash for not doing my own prank.. I'll get back to that in a minute.. So Tom told everyone he BIC'ed his head, but then retracted it shortly thereafter.. Kudos to getting everyone riled up about it, but no points due to lack of committment. Ya gotta really SELL that shit dude! Tomfoolery indeed..
Lisa on the other hand had me going for a couple days with her fake engagement. 10 points for originality, and 100000000 points for ruining Dan's ego! Hahaha just kidding man, you know I love ya!
As for myself, I haven't been into April Fool's jokes ever since that one time I left a fake message for a friend that the doctor called and told him the tests came back positive. He wore black and cried for one whole year, saving every tear in a jar. What a pansy..
Not much else going on. I got a dog, which anyone who reads this is undoubtedly aware of and probably tired of hearing about. But she kicks ass and she fucked up a neighbor's dog in a friendly puppy fight, so that was cool. She pinned his ass and had her mouth around his throat. If she were really a killer, that dog would be Chinese food by now, but she's really just a pacifist.
I don't get what the big deal is about eating dogs. Like I wouldn't eat my dog, because she's more fun to play with and, frankly, she'll have much more meat on her in a couple years than she does now, but why is everyone so grossed out by this. Is it the "dogs have personality" argument from Pulp Fiction? That can't be it, because there's a ton of animals that don't have personality that I wouldn't eat: cockroaches, pill bugs, and Jews. And there's a ton of animals with personality that I would eat: kittens, puppies and koala bears. I dunno, maybe I'm weird.
Finally, what the fuck is up with The Day After Tomorrow-esque weather today? It's like Frosty the Snowman had the runs and shit all over northern Illinois. It's April for god's sake, get with the warm weather already!! And no, there will be no shitty jokes about global warming not making the earth warmer. But seriously, it shouldn't be called "warming" if it's affecting the whole weather cycle; it should be called Global Weather Cluster Fuck, though I don't know if they can say that on the news. They should be able to, I'm tired of censorship. Tell it like it is: we're all fucked. Like the economy; quit pussy footing around it and just tell us we're all fucked and we just need to ride it out.
Ok I got nothing else for you lassies and lads. Take it easy!
Lisa on the other hand had me going for a couple days with her fake engagement. 10 points for originality, and 100000000 points for ruining Dan's ego! Hahaha just kidding man, you know I love ya!
As for myself, I haven't been into April Fool's jokes ever since that one time I left a fake message for a friend that the doctor called and told him the tests came back positive. He wore black and cried for one whole year, saving every tear in a jar. What a pansy..
Not much else going on. I got a dog, which anyone who reads this is undoubtedly aware of and probably tired of hearing about. But she kicks ass and she fucked up a neighbor's dog in a friendly puppy fight, so that was cool. She pinned his ass and had her mouth around his throat. If she were really a killer, that dog would be Chinese food by now, but she's really just a pacifist.
I don't get what the big deal is about eating dogs. Like I wouldn't eat my dog, because she's more fun to play with and, frankly, she'll have much more meat on her in a couple years than she does now, but why is everyone so grossed out by this. Is it the "dogs have personality" argument from Pulp Fiction? That can't be it, because there's a ton of animals that don't have personality that I wouldn't eat: cockroaches, pill bugs, and Jews. And there's a ton of animals with personality that I would eat: kittens, puppies and koala bears. I dunno, maybe I'm weird.
Finally, what the fuck is up with The Day After Tomorrow-esque weather today? It's like Frosty the Snowman had the runs and shit all over northern Illinois. It's April for god's sake, get with the warm weather already!! And no, there will be no shitty jokes about global warming not making the earth warmer. But seriously, it shouldn't be called "warming" if it's affecting the whole weather cycle; it should be called Global Weather Cluster Fuck, though I don't know if they can say that on the news. They should be able to, I'm tired of censorship. Tell it like it is: we're all fucked. Like the economy; quit pussy footing around it and just tell us we're all fucked and we just need to ride it out.
Ok I got nothing else for you lassies and lads. Take it easy!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
more pet peeves.. oh, and randomness
It's amazing how one complete idiot of a person can inspire you to announce their existence to the world, but this video from Failblog.com really grinds my gears:
Stupidity Unveiled
What... The... Fuck... How does someone like this get a driver's license? Isn't parking part of the road test? What's worse, there's thousands of drivers like this out on the road every day, making left turns from the right turn lane and other such socially (and legally) unacceptable maneuvers. The best part is when the one dude gets her out of the car and parks it for her in one try.. And she just stands there like, "oh my, parking was just too difficult for me! I couldn't get my tiny ass car in that huge fucking space that's big enough to park a yacht!" This isn't Anal Point, lady.. You've got plenty of room..
And just for good measure, this one cracks me up too:
I Am So Smrt! S-M-R-T!
Yeah, you are such a fucking bad ass dude.. Kudos to you.. How many Mountain Dews do you drink a day? Ever go Extreme Kayaking in a gas station? Oh, wait, I thought you guys were SOOOO extreme that you spelled it "X-Treme"... What's great is this guy is so fucking proud of his dumb shit tattoo.. Oh my god I just want to beat this guy in the face with a 9 iron.. Or any other blunt object.. This is the kind of person that works at John Barleycorn's as a bouncer and is a fucking prick to everyone he sees.. And why? Because he thinks acting tough and being extreme is fucking cool. Ugh.. Everything about this guy pisses me off. He's got his nipple pierced for fuck's sake!! And the star tattoos under his arms? COME ON!! And let's NOT forget those stupid fucking wool hats with the tiny brims.. Can one person's appearance scream "DOUCHE!!" anymore than this guy's? I think not.
And in this gem, another from our friends at Failblog, some little boy is about to have a REALLY bad day with, umm, Superman?? What? I thought Superman was all about justice and peace and all that crap.. Since when did Superman become a scout master?
Superman Gets Saucy
Oh that poor, poor lad.. Could you imagine getting butt raped by the Man of Steel? How incredibly painful.. Unless this kid as a rectum made of kryptonite, I'm pretty sure he's in for a rough night. What a way to turn the tables on evil, butt-raping Superman, though. That would soften him up faster than mental images of a naked Bea Arthur.
Stupidity Unveiled
What... The... Fuck... How does someone like this get a driver's license? Isn't parking part of the road test? What's worse, there's thousands of drivers like this out on the road every day, making left turns from the right turn lane and other such socially (and legally) unacceptable maneuvers. The best part is when the one dude gets her out of the car and parks it for her in one try.. And she just stands there like, "oh my, parking was just too difficult for me! I couldn't get my tiny ass car in that huge fucking space that's big enough to park a yacht!" This isn't Anal Point, lady.. You've got plenty of room..
And just for good measure, this one cracks me up too:
I Am So Smrt! S-M-R-T!
Yeah, you are such a fucking bad ass dude.. Kudos to you.. How many Mountain Dews do you drink a day? Ever go Extreme Kayaking in a gas station? Oh, wait, I thought you guys were SOOOO extreme that you spelled it "X-Treme"... What's great is this guy is so fucking proud of his dumb shit tattoo.. Oh my god I just want to beat this guy in the face with a 9 iron.. Or any other blunt object.. This is the kind of person that works at John Barleycorn's as a bouncer and is a fucking prick to everyone he sees.. And why? Because he thinks acting tough and being extreme is fucking cool. Ugh.. Everything about this guy pisses me off. He's got his nipple pierced for fuck's sake!! And the star tattoos under his arms? COME ON!! And let's NOT forget those stupid fucking wool hats with the tiny brims.. Can one person's appearance scream "DOUCHE!!" anymore than this guy's? I think not.
And in this gem, another from our friends at Failblog, some little boy is about to have a REALLY bad day with, umm, Superman?? What? I thought Superman was all about justice and peace and all that crap.. Since when did Superman become a scout master?
Superman Gets Saucy
Oh that poor, poor lad.. Could you imagine getting butt raped by the Man of Steel? How incredibly painful.. Unless this kid as a rectum made of kryptonite, I'm pretty sure he's in for a rough night. What a way to turn the tables on evil, butt-raping Superman, though. That would soften him up faster than mental images of a naked Bea Arthur.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
what a weekend part 2
Jesus, took me 3 days to get back to this, but I DID make it back, so I'm feeling good about it.. So anyway, where'd I leave off.. Oh yeah, Saturday morning.. Hungover.. Puking up Mountain Dew.. All caught up? Good..
Ok so anyway, I'm mangled for most of Saturday; I woke up around 9am, but didn't actually get out of bed until about 2pm.. Everything about life hurt Saturday morning.. But around 2pm, we had to force ourselves to get up and get moving. Afterall, St. Pat's celebrations weren't going to wait for us!
We headed down to a friend's house in the city and proceeded to play some ridiculous drinking games (read: I drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol considering my condition earlier in the day). We played Circle of Death with male nudey cards which was only slightly uncomfortable until Michele proposed the Pose Rule, in which everyone had to pose like the dude on their cards.. Needless to say, that led to some funny shit.. I'm sure I have pics somewhere... hahaha
After we got good and tanked we headed out for the bar hopping portion of the night.. For reference, it's only about 9pm at this point.. We went to Glascott's on Halsted, which was an awesome place. Great atmosphere, good people, lots of singing and U2 (which I only really like on St Pat's). I finally got my first Irish Car Bomb of the night there, and I was happy.. Several beers and a Red Headed Slut later, we were off to the next stop: John Barleycorn's..
Now, before I tell you about Barleycorn's, let me preface this by saying I was completely intoxicated at the time, so perhaps my demeanor was not as friendly and cheerful as I remember.. But I'm usually a happy drunk, so I doubt I was being the dick.. You be the judge..
Ok so we get to Barleycorn's after a quick detour in Oz Park (I definitely have pics of that excursion, which will tell the story way better than I ever could). Somehow, someway, we lose a few people in the process. I swear they were right behind us when we went in, but again I was intoxicated, so perhaps not. But anyway, we get in there, head to one end of the bar, and set up shop there while we try to figure out where the missing ones are.. I, in my most gentlemanly fashion, decide that beers are needed while we fret over our lost compadres. So I got over to the bar and try to get the bartenders' attention.. Meanwhile, this dude next to me starts chatting me up in what I remember as a very friendly fashion. This jist of the conversation was "man, who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" to which I laughed good-naturedly and turned my attention back to the bartenders. Suddenly, this guy is like "hey man, you need to move over." Well, unfortunately this tiny girl was standing right next to me, so I naturally say, "to where man? I'm gonna knock this girl over!" His retort (and I shit you not): "You have two choices: either be cool or get the fuck out of the bar."
It's at this point I notice this guy has a walkie talkie in his hand and I realize he's actually under the employ of Barleycorn's. So, being the pacifist alcoholic that I am, I respond, "dude, we're cool." Well, he obviously didn't think so because he got up in my face.. Kate came to my rescue and told the guy everything's cool, but apparently that didn't work because I'm pretty sure I heard the guy say "your boyfriend's being a dick." Again, you all know me, you've all seen me drunk.. I don't think I've ever been a dick while I'm drunk, but who knows..
So I remove myself from the situation, stroll down to the other end of the bar and get some beers. When the bartender dropped off my tab, I leaned in and said, "hey, you see that guy down there." "Yes," said the barkeep. "Does he work here?" I ask. "Yes." "Oh, well he's a fucking dick." The bartender was a bit surprised I'd be saying this about one of his fellow employees, but honestly, he just kinda laughed and was like "yeah he's had a long day." Which, in retrospect, makes me think that my new bouncer friend was just a fucking prick to everyone that lived. Oh, but I did forget the chick that came up to him later and occupied the same space that he had previously told me to vacate. Did he bitch and tell her to move? Oh no no.. He was all smiles and hugs with her... Fuck that guy..
We didn't stay at Barleycorn's long after that. Our missing friends were still missing, and some new friends joined the group, so we all ventured over to B-Town and hit up Roscoe's. I gotta say, that place is fun as hell. I've gotten hammered there every time, and every time I've had a shit ton of fun. I ordered a pitcher of Miller Lite for a few of us, but I'm pretty sure I drank the whole thing myself. Oh and some guy grabbed my ass. Not like a light pinch, but a full on hand-cup squeeze.. Funny shit..
After Roscoe's, the night pretty much wound down. The lights at the bar came on, which is usually a good indication it's time for bed. Unless you've been blowing rails all night, in which case, the night is still young. We headed home, stopped by Chicago Pizza on the way, and crashed out..
What a freaking weekend. I love St Pat's. And even though I'm Irish, I don't celebrate St Pat's because I'm Irish. Like BK said, I'm not FROM Ireland, so I can't really say I'm Irish or part of the Irish culture. I like St Pat's because it's another reason for me to drink heavily and not look like a completely deranged alcoholic. So there's that..
Later on butt plugs! No work for me tomorrow!! Oh, and Ben Folds show tonight! Woohoo!
Ok so anyway, I'm mangled for most of Saturday; I woke up around 9am, but didn't actually get out of bed until about 2pm.. Everything about life hurt Saturday morning.. But around 2pm, we had to force ourselves to get up and get moving. Afterall, St. Pat's celebrations weren't going to wait for us!
We headed down to a friend's house in the city and proceeded to play some ridiculous drinking games (read: I drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol considering my condition earlier in the day). We played Circle of Death with male nudey cards which was only slightly uncomfortable until Michele proposed the Pose Rule, in which everyone had to pose like the dude on their cards.. Needless to say, that led to some funny shit.. I'm sure I have pics somewhere... hahaha
After we got good and tanked we headed out for the bar hopping portion of the night.. For reference, it's only about 9pm at this point.. We went to Glascott's on Halsted, which was an awesome place. Great atmosphere, good people, lots of singing and U2 (which I only really like on St Pat's). I finally got my first Irish Car Bomb of the night there, and I was happy.. Several beers and a Red Headed Slut later, we were off to the next stop: John Barleycorn's..
Now, before I tell you about Barleycorn's, let me preface this by saying I was completely intoxicated at the time, so perhaps my demeanor was not as friendly and cheerful as I remember.. But I'm usually a happy drunk, so I doubt I was being the dick.. You be the judge..
Ok so we get to Barleycorn's after a quick detour in Oz Park (I definitely have pics of that excursion, which will tell the story way better than I ever could). Somehow, someway, we lose a few people in the process. I swear they were right behind us when we went in, but again I was intoxicated, so perhaps not. But anyway, we get in there, head to one end of the bar, and set up shop there while we try to figure out where the missing ones are.. I, in my most gentlemanly fashion, decide that beers are needed while we fret over our lost compadres. So I got over to the bar and try to get the bartenders' attention.. Meanwhile, this dude next to me starts chatting me up in what I remember as a very friendly fashion. This jist of the conversation was "man, who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" to which I laughed good-naturedly and turned my attention back to the bartenders. Suddenly, this guy is like "hey man, you need to move over." Well, unfortunately this tiny girl was standing right next to me, so I naturally say, "to where man? I'm gonna knock this girl over!" His retort (and I shit you not): "You have two choices: either be cool or get the fuck out of the bar."
It's at this point I notice this guy has a walkie talkie in his hand and I realize he's actually under the employ of Barleycorn's. So, being the pacifist alcoholic that I am, I respond, "dude, we're cool." Well, he obviously didn't think so because he got up in my face.. Kate came to my rescue and told the guy everything's cool, but apparently that didn't work because I'm pretty sure I heard the guy say "your boyfriend's being a dick." Again, you all know me, you've all seen me drunk.. I don't think I've ever been a dick while I'm drunk, but who knows..
So I remove myself from the situation, stroll down to the other end of the bar and get some beers. When the bartender dropped off my tab, I leaned in and said, "hey, you see that guy down there." "Yes," said the barkeep. "Does he work here?" I ask. "Yes." "Oh, well he's a fucking dick." The bartender was a bit surprised I'd be saying this about one of his fellow employees, but honestly, he just kinda laughed and was like "yeah he's had a long day." Which, in retrospect, makes me think that my new bouncer friend was just a fucking prick to everyone that lived. Oh, but I did forget the chick that came up to him later and occupied the same space that he had previously told me to vacate. Did he bitch and tell her to move? Oh no no.. He was all smiles and hugs with her... Fuck that guy..
We didn't stay at Barleycorn's long after that. Our missing friends were still missing, and some new friends joined the group, so we all ventured over to B-Town and hit up Roscoe's. I gotta say, that place is fun as hell. I've gotten hammered there every time, and every time I've had a shit ton of fun. I ordered a pitcher of Miller Lite for a few of us, but I'm pretty sure I drank the whole thing myself. Oh and some guy grabbed my ass. Not like a light pinch, but a full on hand-cup squeeze.. Funny shit..
After Roscoe's, the night pretty much wound down. The lights at the bar came on, which is usually a good indication it's time for bed. Unless you've been blowing rails all night, in which case, the night is still young. We headed home, stopped by Chicago Pizza on the way, and crashed out..
What a freaking weekend. I love St Pat's. And even though I'm Irish, I don't celebrate St Pat's because I'm Irish. Like BK said, I'm not FROM Ireland, so I can't really say I'm Irish or part of the Irish culture. I like St Pat's because it's another reason for me to drink heavily and not look like a completely deranged alcoholic. So there's that..
Later on butt plugs! No work for me tomorrow!! Oh, and Ben Folds show tonight! Woohoo!
Monday, March 16, 2009
what a weekend part 1
Man, I thought I couldn't reach any higher summits of inebriation than I did last summer. I was wrong. I have reached entire new plateaus, like the highlands of Scotland. I am reaching mountain tops for god's sake. It's actually quite amazing considering my history of being a fucking lightweight when it comes to drinking. But oh no, I have evolved into something entirely new. The great part: I'm a happy drunk, so I don't get all pissed. Though I did get pretty pissed Saturday, but I'll get to that.
So I had Friday off again. My fucking company pisses me off. I do 3 times as much work as I used to with 20% less time to do it in, so I'm constantly fucking stressed at work now. It sucks a lot, but whatever. Today's blog isn't for bitching, it's for spreading the good word. So Thursday I went down to the city to see Watchmen, which was pretty good, but a little long.. It could've been 2 hours instead of 2 hours and 45 minutes and still accomplished just as much. But whatever, all in all it was a pretty good movie and worth a watch. I crash out at my gf's place Thursday and get up with her when she leaves for work on Friday at like 630am. So I get home at about 7, 730ish Friday morning and now I'm basically stuck there until 1pm because fucking Comcast has to send a tech out to fix my cable. Keep in mind my cable has been sucking a butt since the middle of February. So there I am, at home, on a Friday, no work and I'm stuck there waiting for Comcast to show up (oh and they gave me the "some time between 9 and 1" business.. fucking assholes). So I do the only thing a true gentleman would do: I crack a beer and start drinking.
I spent most of the day drinking.. Not too heavily, because I have dinner planned for that evening and, in an attempt to not completely fuck it up, I pace myself during the day. Turned out really good, too. Chicken pot pie. Yum.. Anyway, so my gf and her friend come over and we eat pot pie. And thank god I think ahead, because while I was at the grocery store getting provisions for dinner, I bought a bottle of scotch, a box of wine (hahaha i still laugh when i have a box o' wine in the fridge) and another 12'er.. Yeah, I know, you're all very proud of me. Thank you, thank you. So we're eating dinner, having a few beers.. We crack open the scotch and have a glass or two of that deliciousness. (Mmmm... I can taste the oaky flavors now.. God I need a drink...) Then we decide to head over to the Fox and Hound up in Arlington Heights (I think) and lo and behold, they have green double pints on special! So, naturally, I drink a couple of those. But they were playing really shitty music as most bars these days do.. I'm pretty sure I remember hearing the lyrics "shake it like helen keller" or something along those lines.. It's amazing the bullshit that people listen to.. But anyway, we decide to put on some Cher (not my choice, but since it was pissing off everyone else in the bar, I went along with it) which apparently pissed off management because shortly thereafter the juke box stopped taking requests. Hahaha... Fucking corporate restaurant managers are assholes. Every last one of them.
Wow, I really got to get on with the story here.. I'm only at like 9pm on Friday, and I gotta get through Saturday and Sunday!! Maybe a 2 part blog?? Hmm.. Perhaps.. Anyways.. So we leave the F&H and head to the Where Else bar in Elk Grove. That place is strange.. Very cozy and comfortable, but definitely a townie bar. I saw this one lady that kinda looked like Joanie Lauer, which was creepy.. But I continued my drinking via beers and shots of tequila and car bombs, so I was happy. We left Where Else around midnight or so because we knew we had a long Saturday ahead of us. The next morning, I had a raging headache and ended up puking up the mountain dew i was drinking.. Neon green toilet water is not a pleasant sight, let me tell ya.. So I'm completely hungover, and I have no cure for it.. I stumble over to Meijer to get some pain killers and barely make it back before I puked again.. Needless to say, Saturday morning was VERY rough for me. I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it through that night's festivities (read: St. Patty's celebrating!!).
Ok, I gotta get back to work, so I'm gonna stop here for today. Part 2 tomorrow if I have time...
So I had Friday off again. My fucking company pisses me off. I do 3 times as much work as I used to with 20% less time to do it in, so I'm constantly fucking stressed at work now. It sucks a lot, but whatever. Today's blog isn't for bitching, it's for spreading the good word. So Thursday I went down to the city to see Watchmen, which was pretty good, but a little long.. It could've been 2 hours instead of 2 hours and 45 minutes and still accomplished just as much. But whatever, all in all it was a pretty good movie and worth a watch. I crash out at my gf's place Thursday and get up with her when she leaves for work on Friday at like 630am. So I get home at about 7, 730ish Friday morning and now I'm basically stuck there until 1pm because fucking Comcast has to send a tech out to fix my cable. Keep in mind my cable has been sucking a butt since the middle of February. So there I am, at home, on a Friday, no work and I'm stuck there waiting for Comcast to show up (oh and they gave me the "some time between 9 and 1" business.. fucking assholes). So I do the only thing a true gentleman would do: I crack a beer and start drinking.
I spent most of the day drinking.. Not too heavily, because I have dinner planned for that evening and, in an attempt to not completely fuck it up, I pace myself during the day. Turned out really good, too. Chicken pot pie. Yum.. Anyway, so my gf and her friend come over and we eat pot pie. And thank god I think ahead, because while I was at the grocery store getting provisions for dinner, I bought a bottle of scotch, a box of wine (hahaha i still laugh when i have a box o' wine in the fridge) and another 12'er.. Yeah, I know, you're all very proud of me. Thank you, thank you. So we're eating dinner, having a few beers.. We crack open the scotch and have a glass or two of that deliciousness. (Mmmm... I can taste the oaky flavors now.. God I need a drink...) Then we decide to head over to the Fox and Hound up in Arlington Heights (I think) and lo and behold, they have green double pints on special! So, naturally, I drink a couple of those. But they were playing really shitty music as most bars these days do.. I'm pretty sure I remember hearing the lyrics "shake it like helen keller" or something along those lines.. It's amazing the bullshit that people listen to.. But anyway, we decide to put on some Cher (not my choice, but since it was pissing off everyone else in the bar, I went along with it) which apparently pissed off management because shortly thereafter the juke box stopped taking requests. Hahaha... Fucking corporate restaurant managers are assholes. Every last one of them.
Wow, I really got to get on with the story here.. I'm only at like 9pm on Friday, and I gotta get through Saturday and Sunday!! Maybe a 2 part blog?? Hmm.. Perhaps.. Anyways.. So we leave the F&H and head to the Where Else bar in Elk Grove. That place is strange.. Very cozy and comfortable, but definitely a townie bar. I saw this one lady that kinda looked like Joanie Lauer, which was creepy.. But I continued my drinking via beers and shots of tequila and car bombs, so I was happy. We left Where Else around midnight or so because we knew we had a long Saturday ahead of us. The next morning, I had a raging headache and ended up puking up the mountain dew i was drinking.. Neon green toilet water is not a pleasant sight, let me tell ya.. So I'm completely hungover, and I have no cure for it.. I stumble over to Meijer to get some pain killers and barely make it back before I puked again.. Needless to say, Saturday morning was VERY rough for me. I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it through that night's festivities (read: St. Patty's celebrating!!).
Ok, I gotta get back to work, so I'm gonna stop here for today. Part 2 tomorrow if I have time...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
pet peeves
It's back! After quite a long time, I'm back to blogging.. Well, I can't really say that because this is day one since Feb 12 that I've posted anything, but we can all hope, right? Amiright? Yeah.. So anyway, Ms. Emily gave me the idea to list my pet peeves, so here they are, in no particular order:
1) When people are in the right turn lane and then decide to make a left turn. I understand that you can't always know where you're going, but do you really need to hold up the rest of us because you can't make a decision? Turn right, then bust a U turn when you can you socially inept pricks.
2) People that park their grocery carts in the middle of the aisle while perusing the cornucopia of various Hamburger Helper choices. Why Hamburger Helper, you ask? No reason.. It could apply to any section of the grocery store where there isn't ample room to maneuver around these people. Park your fucking cart off to the side while you take forever to decide.
3) Kids on those wheelie-shoe things.. I swear to fucking Christ, this may be one of the most annoying things in the history of mankind. Way more annoying than Carrot Top's standup, or hearing about Octomom. A long time ago, I decide I would hip check the next kid that skated by me on those, hopefully knocking them into some sort of store display, thus causing a scene. And, if I played my cards right, everyone would just think it's some asshole kid causing trouble. Unfortunately, I haven't seen one of them since I've made this decree, so no kid has yet to get in trouble for fucking up store displays on my account. It's sad, really.
4) As a final nod to grocery store pet peeves, I hate people that hold up the line at the grocery store to debate a 10 cent discrepancy on their receipt. I know times are tough. Shit, I may be without a job or a place to live before long. But I can certainly take a 10 cent hit rather than being a fucking Heeb about it. And if you absolutely must dispute it, go to the fucking Customer Service counter. Why do you think they exist? That is not a cardboard cut out of a Meijer employee behind the counter, you dolt.. I'm sure he/she is more than qualified to right the wrongs that have befallen you.
5) Sometimes, I fart in my office. But it seems like every time I do, someone comes in two seconds later to have a long winded (no pun intended) discussion about some work related bullshit. And, undoubtedly, they must smell my stink. Granted, they aren't all stinky, so I know I've dodged a few bullets like Neo in the Matrix, but man, sometimes I expect a mushroom cloud to come out of my ass. So inevitably, people at my work probably think I smell bad.. Which just isn't true.. Most days, anyway.
6) This next one is mostly due to age, I think. I hate when I'm at any locale that has a bathroom, only to leave said place and have to pee like 5 seconds later. It's always just past the point of no return, too, when you're just far enough away to think "i'll just hold it until the next stop." The worst is when I leave my apartment to visit one of my friends, all of whom live at least 30-40 minutes away. Happens every time.
7) This one is just my own stupidity. Sometimes I have like 800 pockets on my person. Between jeans, hooded sweatshirts and my coat, I have a ton of fucking pockets on me at any given time. The sad part is sometimes, when I'm getting ready to leave, I'll put my keys in my hoodie pocket, then throw my coat on. I then spend the next 30 minutes frantically searching my apartment for my keys, and the aggravation is further compounded by the fact that I'm in a perpetual state of running late.
8) I've touched on this before, but it's annoying enough to mention again. I hate people that use "quote" for "emphasis." Try using bold or italics or LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS... Fuck, use a TRIO OF FONT STYLES TO EMPHASIZE YOUR POINT. But don't use quotes. Quotes don't equal emphasis.
9) Along the same lines, people who have no general concept of the proper use of punctuation really piss me off. To quote (not for emphasis, but for evidence) a coworker's email from this morning:
"Do you want this priced domestically, offshore or both? Please advise on this?
You need a minimum of 400 pieces for your Friday shipment, which means we
need to get 400 to you today. I will also see if we can expedite the daily
200 piece qty's to complete this order ASAP?"
Really? Please advise on this? It's more of a commanding statement, albeit polite with the preceding "please," but the question mark is more out of place than a turd on the kitchen counter. Same with the "...to complete this order ASAP?" You are TELLING that person you are going to do something, not asking them if you are going to do something. Fucking shit. It's not like it was a complex sentence, full of dependent and independent clauses, all structured around a central theme that might be lost to many readers through its sheer complexity, much like this sentence. It was a simple sentence, with a simple directive, and you still fucked it up. Jesus Christ no wonder I hate my job so much.
10) Just for the sake of having an even number of pet peeves, I'll add this to the list: I hate it when people bitch and moan in long winded diatribes, either written or spoken, about all the things that piss them off in life. It's fucking annoying. It's fucking... Oh, wait.. God damn it.. I guess that's the end of this blog.
1) When people are in the right turn lane and then decide to make a left turn. I understand that you can't always know where you're going, but do you really need to hold up the rest of us because you can't make a decision? Turn right, then bust a U turn when you can you socially inept pricks.
2) People that park their grocery carts in the middle of the aisle while perusing the cornucopia of various Hamburger Helper choices. Why Hamburger Helper, you ask? No reason.. It could apply to any section of the grocery store where there isn't ample room to maneuver around these people. Park your fucking cart off to the side while you take forever to decide.
3) Kids on those wheelie-shoe things.. I swear to fucking Christ, this may be one of the most annoying things in the history of mankind. Way more annoying than Carrot Top's standup, or hearing about Octomom. A long time ago, I decide I would hip check the next kid that skated by me on those, hopefully knocking them into some sort of store display, thus causing a scene. And, if I played my cards right, everyone would just think it's some asshole kid causing trouble. Unfortunately, I haven't seen one of them since I've made this decree, so no kid has yet to get in trouble for fucking up store displays on my account. It's sad, really.
4) As a final nod to grocery store pet peeves, I hate people that hold up the line at the grocery store to debate a 10 cent discrepancy on their receipt. I know times are tough. Shit, I may be without a job or a place to live before long. But I can certainly take a 10 cent hit rather than being a fucking Heeb about it. And if you absolutely must dispute it, go to the fucking Customer Service counter. Why do you think they exist? That is not a cardboard cut out of a Meijer employee behind the counter, you dolt.. I'm sure he/she is more than qualified to right the wrongs that have befallen you.
5) Sometimes, I fart in my office. But it seems like every time I do, someone comes in two seconds later to have a long winded (no pun intended) discussion about some work related bullshit. And, undoubtedly, they must smell my stink. Granted, they aren't all stinky, so I know I've dodged a few bullets like Neo in the Matrix, but man, sometimes I expect a mushroom cloud to come out of my ass. So inevitably, people at my work probably think I smell bad.. Which just isn't true.. Most days, anyway.
6) This next one is mostly due to age, I think. I hate when I'm at any locale that has a bathroom, only to leave said place and have to pee like 5 seconds later. It's always just past the point of no return, too, when you're just far enough away to think "i'll just hold it until the next stop." The worst is when I leave my apartment to visit one of my friends, all of whom live at least 30-40 minutes away. Happens every time.
7) This one is just my own stupidity. Sometimes I have like 800 pockets on my person. Between jeans, hooded sweatshirts and my coat, I have a ton of fucking pockets on me at any given time. The sad part is sometimes, when I'm getting ready to leave, I'll put my keys in my hoodie pocket, then throw my coat on. I then spend the next 30 minutes frantically searching my apartment for my keys, and the aggravation is further compounded by the fact that I'm in a perpetual state of running late.
8) I've touched on this before, but it's annoying enough to mention again. I hate people that use "quote" for "emphasis." Try using bold or italics or LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS... Fuck, use a TRIO OF FONT STYLES TO EMPHASIZE YOUR POINT. But don't use quotes. Quotes don't equal emphasis.
9) Along the same lines, people who have no general concept of the proper use of punctuation really piss me off. To quote (not for emphasis, but for evidence) a coworker's email from this morning:
"Do you want this priced domestically, offshore or both? Please advise on this?
You need a minimum of 400 pieces for your Friday shipment, which means we
need to get 400 to you today. I will also see if we can expedite the daily
200 piece qty's to complete this order ASAP?"
Really? Please advise on this? It's more of a commanding statement, albeit polite with the preceding "please," but the question mark is more out of place than a turd on the kitchen counter. Same with the "...to complete this order ASAP?" You are TELLING that person you are going to do something, not asking them if you are going to do something. Fucking shit. It's not like it was a complex sentence, full of dependent and independent clauses, all structured around a central theme that might be lost to many readers through its sheer complexity, much like this sentence. It was a simple sentence, with a simple directive, and you still fucked it up. Jesus Christ no wonder I hate my job so much.
10) Just for the sake of having an even number of pet peeves, I'll add this to the list: I hate it when people bitch and moan in long winded diatribes, either written or spoken, about all the things that piss them off in life. It's fucking annoying. It's fucking... Oh, wait.. God damn it.. I guess that's the end of this blog.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
it's about damn time
Boy, I've really been slacking on these damn blogs. What was once pure entertainment for myself (and hopefully you guys) is now becoming somewhat of a chore to keep up. It's not so much that I don't want to do these, but I just don't have the fucking time anymore. But, I managed to squeeze about 30 seconds out of my day today to post this, so you better read it and enjoy it! Onwards....
There's some funny shit I've seen on the internet recently, and here's some of it:
Kid Fathers Baby That's a Little Too Close to His Age Group
Full Story Here
Ugh... Really? This fucking kid is 13 and already has a baby? And he thinks he's going to be a devoted and caring father? He has no idea what being a father means. Fuck, I'm 28, I've been around kids for years and years, I have a bunch of friends and relatives that have kids, and I don't know what being a father really means. I don't think anyone does until they actually have kids, and even then I'm willing to bet it takes them 20-some-years to figure it out, if they ever do.
And really, how long do you think before this kid gets tired of having to deal with raising this kid before he tries to throw it in a dumpster or something? I couldn't even take care of a hermit crab at 13 because I didn't have the attention span to feed it regularly. Take this quote from the proud new papa Alfie:
"I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10."
Great.. So Alfie here is going to raise this kid on £10 that he gets "sometimes"? That's like $15 every once in a while. You can't even maintain a decent smoking/porn/drug habit on an unreliable $15 income. Though porn is pretty much free now (god bless the internet). And this article has a very distinct "aww, how cute is this" tone, like we're looking at a litter of kittens in a wicker basket. No, this isn't cute. This is fucked up and just another example of how fucking backwards and retarded this world really is. Ugh. Enough of this little pecker. I hope he figures it out, but I'm not holding my breath.
More Stupid Criminals
Here's a random selection of awesome mugshots from TheSmokingGun.com. There's not a single one in this group that I'd be comfortable seeing in any public area without a bright orange jumpsuit and wrist-to-ankle shackles, except maybe the Joker kid:
So this kid shows up at a movie theater, dressed as the Joker, and plans to steal Dark Knight movie posters. 'Nuff said? Yeah, I thought so too.
Nerdy Kid Thinks He's the Joker, Gets Busted
Hmm.. I don't even need to say anything about this guy.. But I will say kudos to whoever beat the shit out of him. He could probably use a few more licks from that billy club. I really hope this guy gets gang raped during his stint in prison.
Ignorant White Trash at Its Finest
And finally, this guy... Here's a tip: if you want to try to look like some bad ass satan worshiper, don't get a fucking bow tie tattoo on your neck. It kinda takes away from your street cred. And really, couldn't he throw a little color in there? Some crimson, perhaps? And what the fuck is he trying to look like? From the side shot, it looks like the tattoo is forming some sort of horn as it goes further back along the side of his head, which would indicate he's going for some sort of demon look. Personally, I think he looks like a fucking idiot.
Insert Clever Linking Headline About White Trash Here
Here's a good example of how a loving husband would do anything for his spouse. Even if that means dragging her wounded body to a street he knows how to spell:
That has seriously got to be the funniest solution to this problem he could've come up with. "I'll drag her over to Oak St., you can pick her up there." He didn't even ATTEMPT to spell eucalyptus (which, admittedly, is a lot harder to spell than you'd think).. But for fuck's sake, that's his home address! And, I'm sorry, but I have to ask: WHO THE FUCK GETS ATTACKED BY A WARTHOG AT THEIR HOME?? Where are warthogs wandering aimlessly through residential neighborhoods, terrorizing housewives? I didn't think warthogs were even native to the US. Ahh well, he probably mistook the warthog for a potbelly pig or some other relatively harmless, and generally domesticated, animal.
Ok, that's all for today and, if recent history has taught us anything, that's probably all for about a week. Later on dildos!
There's some funny shit I've seen on the internet recently, and here's some of it:
Kid Fathers Baby That's a Little Too Close to His Age Group
Full Story Here
Ugh... Really? This fucking kid is 13 and already has a baby? And he thinks he's going to be a devoted and caring father? He has no idea what being a father means. Fuck, I'm 28, I've been around kids for years and years, I have a bunch of friends and relatives that have kids, and I don't know what being a father really means. I don't think anyone does until they actually have kids, and even then I'm willing to bet it takes them 20-some-years to figure it out, if they ever do.
And really, how long do you think before this kid gets tired of having to deal with raising this kid before he tries to throw it in a dumpster or something? I couldn't even take care of a hermit crab at 13 because I didn't have the attention span to feed it regularly. Take this quote from the proud new papa Alfie:
"I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10."
Great.. So Alfie here is going to raise this kid on £10 that he gets "sometimes"? That's like $15 every once in a while. You can't even maintain a decent smoking/porn/drug habit on an unreliable $15 income. Though porn is pretty much free now (god bless the internet). And this article has a very distinct "aww, how cute is this" tone, like we're looking at a litter of kittens in a wicker basket. No, this isn't cute. This is fucked up and just another example of how fucking backwards and retarded this world really is. Ugh. Enough of this little pecker. I hope he figures it out, but I'm not holding my breath.
More Stupid Criminals
Here's a random selection of awesome mugshots from TheSmokingGun.com. There's not a single one in this group that I'd be comfortable seeing in any public area without a bright orange jumpsuit and wrist-to-ankle shackles, except maybe the Joker kid:
So this kid shows up at a movie theater, dressed as the Joker, and plans to steal Dark Knight movie posters. 'Nuff said? Yeah, I thought so too.
Nerdy Kid Thinks He's the Joker, Gets Busted
Hmm.. I don't even need to say anything about this guy.. But I will say kudos to whoever beat the shit out of him. He could probably use a few more licks from that billy club. I really hope this guy gets gang raped during his stint in prison.
Ignorant White Trash at Its Finest
And finally, this guy... Here's a tip: if you want to try to look like some bad ass satan worshiper, don't get a fucking bow tie tattoo on your neck. It kinda takes away from your street cred. And really, couldn't he throw a little color in there? Some crimson, perhaps? And what the fuck is he trying to look like? From the side shot, it looks like the tattoo is forming some sort of horn as it goes further back along the side of his head, which would indicate he's going for some sort of demon look. Personally, I think he looks like a fucking idiot.
Insert Clever Linking Headline About White Trash Here
Here's a good example of how a loving husband would do anything for his spouse. Even if that means dragging her wounded body to a street he knows how to spell:
That has seriously got to be the funniest solution to this problem he could've come up with. "I'll drag her over to Oak St., you can pick her up there." He didn't even ATTEMPT to spell eucalyptus (which, admittedly, is a lot harder to spell than you'd think).. But for fuck's sake, that's his home address! And, I'm sorry, but I have to ask: WHO THE FUCK GETS ATTACKED BY A WARTHOG AT THEIR HOME?? Where are warthogs wandering aimlessly through residential neighborhoods, terrorizing housewives? I didn't think warthogs were even native to the US. Ahh well, he probably mistook the warthog for a potbelly pig or some other relatively harmless, and generally domesticated, animal.
Ok, that's all for today and, if recent history has taught us anything, that's probably all for about a week. Later on dildos!
welcome to the future of America
Bitch makes babies, gets money
You know, I'm all for helping people in need. But some people, well they just don't deserve any assistance at all. Take this bitch in California, for instance. This lady is already on welfare with 6 kids.. So what does she do? She spends some of her assistance money on in vitro fertilization and PRESTO! she pops out 8 more kids. And the wonderful taxpayers in California get to pay for this bitch's 14 kids! Hooray for government assistance!
Read full story here
Now, I'm all for helping people that really need help. In this failing economy, a lot of good, hard-working people are going to get fucked right out of their jobs, and that sucks. But this fucking bitch is just leeching off of the system. There's a million things I could say about this, but I'm going to shorten this up with a quick list:
1) Take these kids away from her. And before everyone starts bitching up a storm that a mother has rights, fuck that. Not in this case. She doesn't deserve these kids, she's single, she can't afford the 6 kids she already has, she's a burden on society, and I guarantee that those kids aren't exactly going to have a great life growing up. Oh, but she's going to school for her Master's in the fall... Yeah, right.. With 14 kids in tow? Good fucking luck.
2) Stop the cycle!! Sterilize this lady! I'm sorry, but the general public is full of stupid people that just exploit the system and get free handouts every chance they get. Welfare wasn't meant to allow people to be social parasites; it's meant to help people that fall on hard times. Unfortunately, too many people found out that if they just fall on hard weiners, they can pop out a couple kids and get some more money from the government. Kudos..
3) So she set up a donation fund for her and the kids? Hmm.. I swear to god if I ever meet someone that gives money to this bitch, I will kill them where they stand. 'Nuff said..
Apparently Sea Cows Can't Levitate
From Failblog comes this gem about how not knowing your own capabilities can be simultaneously dangerous and hilarious:
Ahh, good times. It's not like he even floated for a second or two and then settled gently to the ground.. Oh no, this guy fucking full-on flopped down to the floor. Really, people, if you're going to go on a nationally televised talent competition, have a fucking talent! Like this guy could probably get into motivational speaking and be fantastic at it. He's certainly got the presence, and his angle could be "hey, you could be me!".. Motivational speakers are weird like that; they always have some sort of gimmick that they hinge their entire talk on.. Like in high school, we had a guy come in that had no arms. He opened his talk by cracking open a pepsi can and drinking it with his feet. Which made me feel awesome because I have arms and don't have to cruise around the country opening shit with my feet like some kind of freak show. Didn't really motivate me though. Except to try opening shit with my feet.. You know, just in case..
Proof that idiots are susceptible to trickery
There's this British magician/mindreader/psychologist guy named Derren Brown who, apparently, is super famous in the UK for mind-fucking people. Well, I guess he's decided to take his act to the U.S. and take us all completely unawares. Now I highly recommend watching a few of his videos on Youtube just to get a better grasp on what this guy is all about, but this one in particular really reveals everything:
Check out the video here
Wow.. Imagine that.. Dumb-ass strippers are duped by a half-way decent looking British guy. Stop the press! Will the wonders never cease? Now, if you dissect this situation, as well as ones from the other videos, you'll notice a pattern: he targets morons. Wow.. Amazing. He's a regular David Blane. He uses the power of suggestion on people that are completely susceptible to mental trickery. Good for him. There's a few other funny videos (funny in the sense that it's all pretty obvious what's going on and it almost makes you wonder how much of it is set up), including one where he hits on models, one where he gets payouts on losing tickets at the dog track and one where he uses blank paper as currency. All have the same common theme: idiots. Amiright?
You know, I'm all for helping people in need. But some people, well they just don't deserve any assistance at all. Take this bitch in California, for instance. This lady is already on welfare with 6 kids.. So what does she do? She spends some of her assistance money on in vitro fertilization and PRESTO! she pops out 8 more kids. And the wonderful taxpayers in California get to pay for this bitch's 14 kids! Hooray for government assistance!
Read full story here
Now, I'm all for helping people that really need help. In this failing economy, a lot of good, hard-working people are going to get fucked right out of their jobs, and that sucks. But this fucking bitch is just leeching off of the system. There's a million things I could say about this, but I'm going to shorten this up with a quick list:
1) Take these kids away from her. And before everyone starts bitching up a storm that a mother has rights, fuck that. Not in this case. She doesn't deserve these kids, she's single, she can't afford the 6 kids she already has, she's a burden on society, and I guarantee that those kids aren't exactly going to have a great life growing up. Oh, but she's going to school for her Master's in the fall... Yeah, right.. With 14 kids in tow? Good fucking luck.
2) Stop the cycle!! Sterilize this lady! I'm sorry, but the general public is full of stupid people that just exploit the system and get free handouts every chance they get. Welfare wasn't meant to allow people to be social parasites; it's meant to help people that fall on hard times. Unfortunately, too many people found out that if they just fall on hard weiners, they can pop out a couple kids and get some more money from the government. Kudos..
3) So she set up a donation fund for her and the kids? Hmm.. I swear to god if I ever meet someone that gives money to this bitch, I will kill them where they stand. 'Nuff said..
Apparently Sea Cows Can't Levitate
From Failblog comes this gem about how not knowing your own capabilities can be simultaneously dangerous and hilarious:
Ahh, good times. It's not like he even floated for a second or two and then settled gently to the ground.. Oh no, this guy fucking full-on flopped down to the floor. Really, people, if you're going to go on a nationally televised talent competition, have a fucking talent! Like this guy could probably get into motivational speaking and be fantastic at it. He's certainly got the presence, and his angle could be "hey, you could be me!".. Motivational speakers are weird like that; they always have some sort of gimmick that they hinge their entire talk on.. Like in high school, we had a guy come in that had no arms. He opened his talk by cracking open a pepsi can and drinking it with his feet. Which made me feel awesome because I have arms and don't have to cruise around the country opening shit with my feet like some kind of freak show. Didn't really motivate me though. Except to try opening shit with my feet.. You know, just in case..
Proof that idiots are susceptible to trickery
There's this British magician/mindreader/psychologist guy named Derren Brown who, apparently, is super famous in the UK for mind-fucking people. Well, I guess he's decided to take his act to the U.S. and take us all completely unawares. Now I highly recommend watching a few of his videos on Youtube just to get a better grasp on what this guy is all about, but this one in particular really reveals everything:
Check out the video here
Wow.. Imagine that.. Dumb-ass strippers are duped by a half-way decent looking British guy. Stop the press! Will the wonders never cease? Now, if you dissect this situation, as well as ones from the other videos, you'll notice a pattern: he targets morons. Wow.. Amazing. He's a regular David Blane. He uses the power of suggestion on people that are completely susceptible to mental trickery. Good for him. There's a few other funny videos (funny in the sense that it's all pretty obvious what's going on and it almost makes you wonder how much of it is set up), including one where he hits on models, one where he gets payouts on losing tickets at the dog track and one where he uses blank paper as currency. All have the same common theme: idiots. Amiright?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
seth macfarlane is a super dude
Fuck me, I've been so uninspired lately to do this blog.. It's mostly because of work, which, as you all know, makes me want to punch small animals in the face.. But whatever, today is starting off ok.. I haven't been shaking with rage; in fact I'm pretty sure some advice I got yesterday is working out well.. Oh, and it's like 60 degrees and sunny out, so there's that too..
I was driving to work this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, when I saw this guy take his car up a snow bank and nearly flip his car.. Hilarious shit.. I almost wish it had rolled because I've always wanted to see that, but that wasn't in the cards for me this morning. But, he was tipped far enough for me to partially see into his sunroof, so naturally I laughed..
Now, a lot of you have probably seen this, but there's a scene about :50 in that just cracks me up:
It's like he got some bad acid and freaked out. Now I've been all mangled after the dentist before (4 wisdom teeth taken out in one shot), but I'll be damned if I've ever hallucinated and felt the need to belt out a Braveheart-esque roar on the way home.. In fact, there's really only two things I was thinking about after that experience: sleep and pills. Whenever I wasn't sleeping, I was eating pills, and vice versa.. I'm pretty sure I managed to suck down some apple sauce or some other pureed food.. Fuck, I was so out of it, I probably would've eaten wet cat food at that point.
Holy shit, did you know Seth MacFarlane has some animated shorts on YouTube? Check this out:
I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker either looked like a horse or a foot, I could never quite figure out which. Shame on Maxim, though.. In one issue, they're calling her one of the most overrated chicks, and a couple issues later, they're saying how hot she is. You know what, she's not hot. If she ever got fat, Matthew Broderick could just dangle a carrot in front of her to get her to run on the treadmill.
And in this episode, Princess Peach finally gets her comeuppance:
Mario has a damn good point here. It's not like he was trying to get a beej for his troubles, he just wanted a kiss. Is that really too much to ask? The Princess is such a bitch. Though, on the other hand, he did essentially just trip out the whole time eating mushrooms, which, while undoubtedly exhausting, was probably a lot of fun.
I was driving to work this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, when I saw this guy take his car up a snow bank and nearly flip his car.. Hilarious shit.. I almost wish it had rolled because I've always wanted to see that, but that wasn't in the cards for me this morning. But, he was tipped far enough for me to partially see into his sunroof, so naturally I laughed..
Now, a lot of you have probably seen this, but there's a scene about :50 in that just cracks me up:
It's like he got some bad acid and freaked out. Now I've been all mangled after the dentist before (4 wisdom teeth taken out in one shot), but I'll be damned if I've ever hallucinated and felt the need to belt out a Braveheart-esque roar on the way home.. In fact, there's really only two things I was thinking about after that experience: sleep and pills. Whenever I wasn't sleeping, I was eating pills, and vice versa.. I'm pretty sure I managed to suck down some apple sauce or some other pureed food.. Fuck, I was so out of it, I probably would've eaten wet cat food at that point.
Holy shit, did you know Seth MacFarlane has some animated shorts on YouTube? Check this out:
I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker either looked like a horse or a foot, I could never quite figure out which. Shame on Maxim, though.. In one issue, they're calling her one of the most overrated chicks, and a couple issues later, they're saying how hot she is. You know what, she's not hot. If she ever got fat, Matthew Broderick could just dangle a carrot in front of her to get her to run on the treadmill.
And in this episode, Princess Peach finally gets her comeuppance:
Mario has a damn good point here. It's not like he was trying to get a beej for his troubles, he just wanted a kiss. Is that really too much to ask? The Princess is such a bitch. Though, on the other hand, he did essentially just trip out the whole time eating mushrooms, which, while undoubtedly exhausting, was probably a lot of fun.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
zombies attack!!
I hope, one day, when zombies actually do attack, that I get to see this:
Zombies Ate My Homework!!
I really hope zombies attack us one day. But I want bad ass, Dawn of the Dead (2004) type zombies, not those slow moving, kinda dumb zombies like Night of the Living Dead (1968). That way, I would finally be able to hunt humans! See, there's these laws that kinda sorta prohibit me from hunting humans. But when they turn to zombies, well all that goes right out the window! I would go all Texas-style on them, get an old pick up truck with flood lights and a gun rack, and drive around town drinking Hamm's and shooting zombies with a shotgun. I think police would suspend the whole DUI thing too, at least for a while until we deal with the zombies, which is great because I'm pretty sure I'd need a drink while hunting said zombies. I wonder if zombie decoys would work? Like duck hunters that have those ceramic, like-like ducks to lure living ducks in, then blast their heads off with a rifle.. Remember Duck Hunt, that game that came with the original Super Mario Bros? I fucking hated that dog that laughed at you if you missed those ducks.. Fuck you, hunting dog, those ducks on the harder levels were like trying to hit a stealth bomber with a sling shot.. I'd like to see you try.. Oh, wait, that's right, no opposable thumbs.. Oh, and you're a fucking dog.. Your canine intelligence is no match for my people intelligence! What were we talking about? Oh, right, zombies. So, yeah, I want to hunt zombie humans.
And on a really quick political note, Blagojevich has been removed from office.. I have to say, I'm really surprised. The guy comes across as such a stand-up kinda guy. Like the type of dude that wouldn't roofie your drink so he could try to bang your girlfriend. I would trust my children to his care. Maybe he could teach them the value of money.. Ooooo did I just make a Jew joke? haha
Oh, and here's the funny part.. The senate voted 59-0 in favor of kicking his ass to the curb. 59-0!!! That's like Tom Brady's Patriots vs the Oakland Raiders... Or me vs. Lebron James in one-on-one basketball.. But now he's got all this free time, I wonder what he's going to do? I've made a list of the top 5 possibilities:
1) Make bagels
2) Count the money he's about to lose in the civil trials
3) Play Spin the Dredle
4) Go to dental/law/business/accounting school
5) Sell his virginity on eBay
Yeah, that's right, I bet he's virgin.
Zombies Ate My Homework!!
I really hope zombies attack us one day. But I want bad ass, Dawn of the Dead (2004) type zombies, not those slow moving, kinda dumb zombies like Night of the Living Dead (1968). That way, I would finally be able to hunt humans! See, there's these laws that kinda sorta prohibit me from hunting humans. But when they turn to zombies, well all that goes right out the window! I would go all Texas-style on them, get an old pick up truck with flood lights and a gun rack, and drive around town drinking Hamm's and shooting zombies with a shotgun. I think police would suspend the whole DUI thing too, at least for a while until we deal with the zombies, which is great because I'm pretty sure I'd need a drink while hunting said zombies. I wonder if zombie decoys would work? Like duck hunters that have those ceramic, like-like ducks to lure living ducks in, then blast their heads off with a rifle.. Remember Duck Hunt, that game that came with the original Super Mario Bros? I fucking hated that dog that laughed at you if you missed those ducks.. Fuck you, hunting dog, those ducks on the harder levels were like trying to hit a stealth bomber with a sling shot.. I'd like to see you try.. Oh, wait, that's right, no opposable thumbs.. Oh, and you're a fucking dog.. Your canine intelligence is no match for my people intelligence! What were we talking about? Oh, right, zombies. So, yeah, I want to hunt zombie humans.
And on a really quick political note, Blagojevich has been removed from office.. I have to say, I'm really surprised. The guy comes across as such a stand-up kinda guy. Like the type of dude that wouldn't roofie your drink so he could try to bang your girlfriend. I would trust my children to his care. Maybe he could teach them the value of money.. Ooooo did I just make a Jew joke? haha
Oh, and here's the funny part.. The senate voted 59-0 in favor of kicking his ass to the curb. 59-0!!! That's like Tom Brady's Patriots vs the Oakland Raiders... Or me vs. Lebron James in one-on-one basketball.. But now he's got all this free time, I wonder what he's going to do? I've made a list of the top 5 possibilities:
1) Make bagels
2) Count the money he's about to lose in the civil trials
3) Play Spin the Dredle
4) Go to dental/law/business/accounting school
5) Sell his virginity on eBay
Yeah, that's right, I bet he's virgin.
in the news
Apparently CIA station chiefs aren't as intelligent as you'd think they'd have to be:
The U.S. government is investigating a former CIA officer in Algeria who has been accused of drugging and raping two women while he held the post, according to an affidavit released by the Justice Department.
Andrew Warren has been accused by the women, who are both Algerian nationals, of drugging and raping them on separate occasions while he was still working for the CIA in the Algerian capital, according to the court document, which was filed in the fall of 2008.
Warren has not been charged with a crime. He has told investigators that he engaged in "consensual sexual intercourse" with both accusers, the affidavit states.
CNN has been unable to reach Warren for comment.
According to the affidavit, a search of Warren's residence in Algiers turned up Xanax, Valium, and "a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults," according to the affidavit.
Now I'm sure that during his stay in Algeria, Warren probably got pretty lonely. But did he really need to resort to rape? I'm sure there's plenty of Algerian women that would just love to hook up with a high ranking US Government official. I seriously doubt he needed to drug and rape them. Maybe he's a midget, or he's got a third arm growing out of his forehead. Either way, though, if you were a CIA operative of any sort, why would you leave Xanax, Valium and a handbook of how to rape women lying around in your residence? This would be like Dexter leaving a forensics book and his cutlery set lying around next to each other. Or a drug dealer keeping his scale and his divvied up bags of coke together; it's just something you don't do.
This one is a shining example of how technology meets law enforcement:
The Racine County Sheriff’s Department used Google Earth — an online mapping program — last week to pinpoint marijuana fields in Mount Pleasant and bust a Racine man for harvesting pot.
The investigation began Friday after Racine County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Dean Brown, 37, of Racine, near highways 75 and 20, according to a criminal complaint. A deputy smelled marijuana as he approached the car, and discovered 18 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana in the car’s cargo area. The marijuana, stuffed in two large garbage bags with heavy stems poking through the plastic, was worth between $63,000 and $140,000.
Brown was arrested for felony drug possession, but that was just the beginning of the investigation. Deputies found a GPS unit around Brown’s neck with coordinates to areas throughout Racine County, the complaint said.
On Saturday, Metro Drug agents plugged coordinates saved in Brown’s GPS unit into Google Earth, a searchable compilation of satellite images available through the Internet. By entering the coordinates, agents were able to find the locations in Racine County programmed into the GPS unit.
Don't the police have more advanced technology than Google Earth to look up GPS locations? I know Google is the shit, and I've certainly tried to spy on people with it, but I'm also not a government employee. What happens when a patrol car gets a call to go to a certain address? Does the cop have to run out to his car real quick to grab his Garmin before he heads out? Shouldn't the police have some sort of bad ass GPS tracking system that fires lasers from space or something cool?
This just in, Rod Blagojevich claims he's done nothing wrong:
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appeared before state senators Thursday for the first time during his impeachment trial, saying he has done "absolutely nothing wrong."
He said there's been a "rush to judgment and an evisceration of presumption of innocence."
The governor said the prosecution has not proven the allegations, which are based on a criminal complaint released by federal authorities in December, when he was arrested on federal corruption charges.
"How can you throw a governor out of office on a criminal complaint, and you haven't been able to show or prove any criminal activity?" he asked.
"How can you throw a governor out of office who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to give him a chance to bring witnesses in, to prove his innocence, to do more than just ask for a presumption of innocence?"
Because Blagojevich is giving a closing argument, not testimony, senators will not be able to question him, and he will not be cross-examined by the prosecutor for the House of Representatives, which impeached the governor in a nearly unanimous vote.
Well, I guess that settles that.. Pack up your bags, Illinois senate, Blag is innocent! I find it interesting that, rather than appearing at the impeachment trial for the past few days, he's been parading around the country, speaking with various news outlets and condemning the proceedings as some sort of witch hunt. THE FEDS HAVE YOU ON TAPE, SELF-IDENTIFYING!! Maybe if you went on Tuesday or Wednesday, when they were replaying the tapes, you'd know that you, sir, are busted.
The U.S. government is investigating a former CIA officer in Algeria who has been accused of drugging and raping two women while he held the post, according to an affidavit released by the Justice Department.
Andrew Warren has been accused by the women, who are both Algerian nationals, of drugging and raping them on separate occasions while he was still working for the CIA in the Algerian capital, according to the court document, which was filed in the fall of 2008.
Warren has not been charged with a crime. He has told investigators that he engaged in "consensual sexual intercourse" with both accusers, the affidavit states.
CNN has been unable to reach Warren for comment.
According to the affidavit, a search of Warren's residence in Algiers turned up Xanax, Valium, and "a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults," according to the affidavit.
Now I'm sure that during his stay in Algeria, Warren probably got pretty lonely. But did he really need to resort to rape? I'm sure there's plenty of Algerian women that would just love to hook up with a high ranking US Government official. I seriously doubt he needed to drug and rape them. Maybe he's a midget, or he's got a third arm growing out of his forehead. Either way, though, if you were a CIA operative of any sort, why would you leave Xanax, Valium and a handbook of how to rape women lying around in your residence? This would be like Dexter leaving a forensics book and his cutlery set lying around next to each other. Or a drug dealer keeping his scale and his divvied up bags of coke together; it's just something you don't do.
This one is a shining example of how technology meets law enforcement:
The Racine County Sheriff’s Department used Google Earth — an online mapping program — last week to pinpoint marijuana fields in Mount Pleasant and bust a Racine man for harvesting pot.
The investigation began Friday after Racine County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Dean Brown, 37, of Racine, near highways 75 and 20, according to a criminal complaint. A deputy smelled marijuana as he approached the car, and discovered 18 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana in the car’s cargo area. The marijuana, stuffed in two large garbage bags with heavy stems poking through the plastic, was worth between $63,000 and $140,000.
Brown was arrested for felony drug possession, but that was just the beginning of the investigation. Deputies found a GPS unit around Brown’s neck with coordinates to areas throughout Racine County, the complaint said.
On Saturday, Metro Drug agents plugged coordinates saved in Brown’s GPS unit into Google Earth, a searchable compilation of satellite images available through the Internet. By entering the coordinates, agents were able to find the locations in Racine County programmed into the GPS unit.
Don't the police have more advanced technology than Google Earth to look up GPS locations? I know Google is the shit, and I've certainly tried to spy on people with it, but I'm also not a government employee. What happens when a patrol car gets a call to go to a certain address? Does the cop have to run out to his car real quick to grab his Garmin before he heads out? Shouldn't the police have some sort of bad ass GPS tracking system that fires lasers from space or something cool?
This just in, Rod Blagojevich claims he's done nothing wrong:
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appeared before state senators Thursday for the first time during his impeachment trial, saying he has done "absolutely nothing wrong."
He said there's been a "rush to judgment and an evisceration of presumption of innocence."
The governor said the prosecution has not proven the allegations, which are based on a criminal complaint released by federal authorities in December, when he was arrested on federal corruption charges.
"How can you throw a governor out of office on a criminal complaint, and you haven't been able to show or prove any criminal activity?" he asked.
"How can you throw a governor out of office who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to give him a chance to bring witnesses in, to prove his innocence, to do more than just ask for a presumption of innocence?"
Because Blagojevich is giving a closing argument, not testimony, senators will not be able to question him, and he will not be cross-examined by the prosecutor for the House of Representatives, which impeached the governor in a nearly unanimous vote.
Well, I guess that settles that.. Pack up your bags, Illinois senate, Blag is innocent! I find it interesting that, rather than appearing at the impeachment trial for the past few days, he's been parading around the country, speaking with various news outlets and condemning the proceedings as some sort of witch hunt. THE FEDS HAVE YOU ON TAPE, SELF-IDENTIFYING!! Maybe if you went on Tuesday or Wednesday, when they were replaying the tapes, you'd know that you, sir, are busted.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
this blog takes an unexpected turn
Let's get it out of the way right now; I'm suspending the alphabet blogs for a little while. Shit, with how little I've been posting, some of you probably thought the blog was dead forever.. But, I've gotten bitched at by a few people for not writing, so I'm here, now, in a terribly shitty foul mood, and doing it because I love you guys. Thanks for the support. Ok, no more mushy crap, on with the show!
Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:
Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film
Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..
But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.
Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll
So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...
Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!
Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:
Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film
Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..
But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.
Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll
So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...
Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ohhhhhhh "F"udddgggeeeee
Yeah, I know I know, it's been a few days.. I've been busy at work, which I suppose is a good thing, but I haven't had time to write these, which sucks partially because I've had a few people ask where they're at, but also because it's kinda therapeutic for me so I've been going mildly insane the last few days. I actually used arbitrary quotes yesterday; I gotta be honest, I died a little inside. But whatever, I'm back to the blogs, so I suppose we'll should continue the alphabet list.. On to "F":
Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!
fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.
fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..
Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.
Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)
Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..
Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..
Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..
Genocidal Cats!!
Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)
I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..
Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!
fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.
fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..
Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.
Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)
Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..
Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..
Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..
Genocidal Cats!!
Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)
I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..
Monday, January 19, 2009
E-gads!!
Jesus, I'm fucking tired.. This is gonna be one of my more retarded posts because I simply don't have the mental capacity right now to be witty, clever or even intelligent. Thank god I'm doing this stupid fucking alphabet series, otherwise I'd really have to put some thought into this, or just not post it at all.
Hey, did you hear we're gonna have a black president tomorrow? Cool, huh? Anyway, on with it..
evanescence: The only reason I like this word is because the band of the same name was really quite clever.. They, too, have disappeared like a vapor.. Stupid emo jerks with their stupid emo faces.. Ugh
effervescent: a funny word to describe a bubbly liquid such as coke, champagne and, occasionally, my pee.. How weird would that be to pee a carbonated liquid? I bet it would kinda hurt.. Hmm.. My pee isn't really effervescent btw.. Oh, and it's a synonym for vivacious and gay, so there's that too.. Gay as in happy, not gay as in dude on dude action..
ennui: You know, if you don't have it, you really should get a subscription to Dictionary.com's word of the day email (click here to sign up).. Got this little gem a few months ago.. Basically means weariness due to lack of interest and/or boredom.. Like in college, when you had to take those shitty Gen Ed's just to prove you weren't a complete retard and had to listen to some T.A. drone on about rock formations on meteorites.. Those TA's think they were such hot shit, too.. Man the ego on those kids.. They seriously thought they were god's gift to the educational system, but really they were just a bunch of piss-ant ass-kissing brown nosers to the professors.. Fuck TA's...
Emo: It's really like the new goth, isn't it? It's like the switched from being whiny-pussy-Satan-worshippers to just whiny pussies.. Yes, I know real goth people aren't Satan-worshippers, but most goth people aren't real goths, they're a bunch of posers trying desperately to fit in somewhere because every other social circle has shunned them.. Next up, trenchcoat mafia.. But yeah apparently it's hip to listen to melancholy emo crap now.. Next thing you know, people are gonna respect people who cry actual tears into their beers.. You know who'd make a good emo if he was still around? Jon Arbuckle.. Seriously, check out Garfield Minus Garfield, you'll see what I mean.. It's actually really funny to see.. I never really thought about the fact that Jon was talking to a cat and, in reality, he'd appear pretty insane.. Garfield minus Garfield really brings it to light.. Oh, and I'm getting pretty good with these mid-text links, huh? Yeah you're impressed.. Hahaha jk jk
Ok, that's enough for today.. I feel stupider for having written all that.. Gonna go rehydrate, maybe take a nap in a snow bank somewhere.. Later nerds!
Hey, did you hear we're gonna have a black president tomorrow? Cool, huh? Anyway, on with it..
evanescence: The only reason I like this word is because the band of the same name was really quite clever.. They, too, have disappeared like a vapor.. Stupid emo jerks with their stupid emo faces.. Ugh
effervescent: a funny word to describe a bubbly liquid such as coke, champagne and, occasionally, my pee.. How weird would that be to pee a carbonated liquid? I bet it would kinda hurt.. Hmm.. My pee isn't really effervescent btw.. Oh, and it's a synonym for vivacious and gay, so there's that too.. Gay as in happy, not gay as in dude on dude action..
ennui: You know, if you don't have it, you really should get a subscription to Dictionary.com's word of the day email (click here to sign up).. Got this little gem a few months ago.. Basically means weariness due to lack of interest and/or boredom.. Like in college, when you had to take those shitty Gen Ed's just to prove you weren't a complete retard and had to listen to some T.A. drone on about rock formations on meteorites.. Those TA's think they were such hot shit, too.. Man the ego on those kids.. They seriously thought they were god's gift to the educational system, but really they were just a bunch of piss-ant ass-kissing brown nosers to the professors.. Fuck TA's...
Emo: It's really like the new goth, isn't it? It's like the switched from being whiny-pussy-Satan-worshippers to just whiny pussies.. Yes, I know real goth people aren't Satan-worshippers, but most goth people aren't real goths, they're a bunch of posers trying desperately to fit in somewhere because every other social circle has shunned them.. Next up, trenchcoat mafia.. But yeah apparently it's hip to listen to melancholy emo crap now.. Next thing you know, people are gonna respect people who cry actual tears into their beers.. You know who'd make a good emo if he was still around? Jon Arbuckle.. Seriously, check out Garfield Minus Garfield, you'll see what I mean.. It's actually really funny to see.. I never really thought about the fact that Jon was talking to a cat and, in reality, he'd appear pretty insane.. Garfield minus Garfield really brings it to light.. Oh, and I'm getting pretty good with these mid-text links, huh? Yeah you're impressed.. Hahaha jk jk
Ok, that's enough for today.. I feel stupider for having written all that.. Gonna go rehydrate, maybe take a nap in a snow bank somewhere.. Later nerds!
Friday, January 16, 2009
"D"-fence
I know, fucking lame title.. But football is almost over and we've got about 40 days until Spring Training opens, so whatever.. I don't know what that has to do with anything, other than the fact that in about 3 weeks I'm gonna be fucking miserable.. I'm not a huge football fan, but it gets me through from October to February, then there's nothing but basketball and hockey.. Now, both of those are legitimate sports, unlike bowling or croquet or some other lame crap.. But, frankly, they both suck ass and I'm completely uninterested in either one.. It's weird, my life doesn't revolve around sports, but that 5-6 weeks between the Super Bowl and Spring Training are excruciating.. It may be the fact that I'm deep in the throes of winter depression, but whatever.. I hate it, let's move on to today's list..
doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..
dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..
"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..
Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!
Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:
http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html
dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...
Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..
Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..
doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..
dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..
"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..
Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!
Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:
http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html
dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...
Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..
Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"C" you in hell
crop dusting: This is only hilarious because one day, my buddy eric and I were at a bar and having a legitimate discussion about actual crop dusting.. You know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot gear, dangerous chemicals spilling out of the bottom of the plane.. No, seriously, we were actually talking about this.. Why, I have no idea, but it's not the point.. Anyway, so we're talking about crop dusting, and the bartender overhears the words "crop dusting" and immediately gets involved with this gem: "Crop dusting? Like when you're walking by someone and you fart?" No joke.. I nearly died laughing.. Eric says, "no, like actual crop dusting.. you know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot...." You get the idea.. Crop dusting.. Funny shit.. Strangely enough, like many of you, the bartender didn't believe we were talking about actual crop dusting..
cunt: Sorry to all the ladies that just got all upset when they read that, but hear me out.. There's really two facets to this.. One is the literal definition which, and I gotta agree with Louis CK here, is really inappropriate.. I mean really, cunt is such a nasty word, it should never be associated with something so kick ass (for those of you who are lost, I'm talking about vaginas).. On the other side, when used as a sort of synonym for bitch, I think it's highly effective.. It's the aural equivalent of taking a cheese grater to the face; kinda like listening to Bob Dylan sing.. But it's gotta be used sparingly, so go with "bitch," you know, unless someone's being a real cunt.
cow pie: Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Cows = beef, pie = delicious treat... Oh no, stay away from cow pies.. You were led very astray if someone once told you it was an actual beef pie.. God help you if you believed them and ate it.
Caligula: Cool name, kinda lame emperor.. Really, what did he do? Brought the obelisk to St. Peter's Square? Wooooo.. Apparently he nearly died early on because he was banging too many chicks (and probably dudes, you know how those Romans rolled) and drinking too much, so he's got that going for him.. He also portrayed himself as a god, so he was pretty full of himself too.. I once tried that.. Got a bunch of idiots in white robes to drink poisoned fruit punch.. Suckers.. I made up some bullshit about a comet that we needed to catch that would take us to heaven.. People are stupid.
Chris: It's my name, and considering my hugely inflated ego, I figured it had to make the list..
cuckold: Basically a fancy word for a husband whose wife is cheating on him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a certain connotation of husband-pussery involved.. Like the husband knows it's going on, he knows he's a cuckold, but he just kinda accepts it as his lot in life.. Technically speaking, there's usually a kid involved (ie the cheating wife's 3rd party's kid) that the cuckold is raising.. Personally, if my wife was fucking around and i knew about it, there'd be no passivity on my part.. I certainly wouldn't be raising that cheating whore's kid from another man.. But hey, I'm not one to be walked all over, so there it is.
chillax: Ok, I fucking hate this word.. This goes back to the whole "blog" thing (see yesterday's "B" post).. It also reminds me of words such as "Crunk" (crazy-drunk) or those stupid celebrity couple nicknames (the original Bennifer, TomKat [real fucking clever media, i fucking hate all of you for that one] and Brangelina [this one doesn't even sound clever, so i hate you more now]). Do we really have to invent new words by mashing two other words together? You're not clever, you're an idiot.. Next person that tells me to "chillax" is gonna get a foot in their ass.. Fuck..
Ok, I'm all worked up now.. Gonna go take it out on some unsuspecting passersby.
cunt: Sorry to all the ladies that just got all upset when they read that, but hear me out.. There's really two facets to this.. One is the literal definition which, and I gotta agree with Louis CK here, is really inappropriate.. I mean really, cunt is such a nasty word, it should never be associated with something so kick ass (for those of you who are lost, I'm talking about vaginas).. On the other side, when used as a sort of synonym for bitch, I think it's highly effective.. It's the aural equivalent of taking a cheese grater to the face; kinda like listening to Bob Dylan sing.. But it's gotta be used sparingly, so go with "bitch," you know, unless someone's being a real cunt.
cow pie: Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Cows = beef, pie = delicious treat... Oh no, stay away from cow pies.. You were led very astray if someone once told you it was an actual beef pie.. God help you if you believed them and ate it.
Caligula: Cool name, kinda lame emperor.. Really, what did he do? Brought the obelisk to St. Peter's Square? Wooooo.. Apparently he nearly died early on because he was banging too many chicks (and probably dudes, you know how those Romans rolled) and drinking too much, so he's got that going for him.. He also portrayed himself as a god, so he was pretty full of himself too.. I once tried that.. Got a bunch of idiots in white robes to drink poisoned fruit punch.. Suckers.. I made up some bullshit about a comet that we needed to catch that would take us to heaven.. People are stupid.
Chris: It's my name, and considering my hugely inflated ego, I figured it had to make the list..
cuckold: Basically a fancy word for a husband whose wife is cheating on him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a certain connotation of husband-pussery involved.. Like the husband knows it's going on, he knows he's a cuckold, but he just kinda accepts it as his lot in life.. Technically speaking, there's usually a kid involved (ie the cheating wife's 3rd party's kid) that the cuckold is raising.. Personally, if my wife was fucking around and i knew about it, there'd be no passivity on my part.. I certainly wouldn't be raising that cheating whore's kid from another man.. But hey, I'm not one to be walked all over, so there it is.
chillax: Ok, I fucking hate this word.. This goes back to the whole "blog" thing (see yesterday's "B" post).. It also reminds me of words such as "Crunk" (crazy-drunk) or those stupid celebrity couple nicknames (the original Bennifer, TomKat [real fucking clever media, i fucking hate all of you for that one] and Brangelina [this one doesn't even sound clever, so i hate you more now]). Do we really have to invent new words by mashing two other words together? You're not clever, you're an idiot.. Next person that tells me to "chillax" is gonna get a foot in their ass.. Fuck..
Ok, I'm all worked up now.. Gonna go take it out on some unsuspecting passersby.
great words that begin with "B"
Anyone see a pattern developing here? Yeah, that's right, I'm making daily lists based on the alphabet.. It's partially because there's some really awesome words out there, but mostly because I'm a fucking retard and can't think of anything else to blog about right now.. If anything comes up, I'll gladly interject with the alphabet posts and write about something else.. In the meantime, have yourself a laugh, if any of this turns out funny... Oh, and feel free to submit a couple words, but you gotta back them up with something, even if it's complete nonsense..
boner: "erection" seems to sterile, like you're at a doctor's office and he tells you "well, son, your erection appears to be subsiding after overdosing on all that Viagra"... But I think boner is mostly playful.. Like if you're trying to fuck some chick, you don't go up to her and say "man, you're giving me such a boner." That's a one-way ticket to a late night, solo spank-athon my friends.. And, boner can also be used to describe a blunder, like "my goodness, the war on terror was such a boner!" (note: a little political reference for the Frizog.. oh and for those who don't know, that's eric... i'll let you figure out which eric i mean)
bullshit: usually a statement of exclamation to show complete disdain for a situation.. for example, frizog and i thought we were super geniuses one day for coming up with the term "Ninja Slippers" to describe a vagina (picture a pair of ninja slippers put together at an angle so the two arches form a sort of vagina-hole... yeah, cool isn't it?), but the next day we found out some douche posted it on urban dictionary like 3 years ago.. So, in my understandably disappointed state, I exclaimed, "that is bullshit!".. Or, when my boss wants me to do something retarded, I say "this is bullshit!".. You get the idea.
brown eye: slang for the butthole, funny because in many cases it actually looks like a squinty brown eye.. I've also noticed it occasionally looks like pink eye, but using that may just confuse people.. like if you say "dude i fucked her right in the pink eye," your audience may think you mean some sort of disease-ridden skull-fucking..
blog: A really stupid word, and, as is my understanding of the etymology (also a great word, but doesn't really begin with B, unless you say betymology, which isn't a real word), it is a shortened form of "Weblog". Again, stupid.. Are we really so lazy that all we do is shorten words to make new words? It's like these fucking text-crazy kids these days that use emoticons and text-speak (ie "R U GR8?") in their homework assignments.. But teachers can't fail them, because then parents get involved and start bitching about the kid's soccer practice, or they pull the race card, or the parents both work, or some other fucking irrelevant excuse.. Meh, I'm off topic.. Blog, it's a stupid word, but it makes this rambling bullshit possible, so it gets an honorable mention today.
Done, going home, have a great day.
boner: "erection" seems to sterile, like you're at a doctor's office and he tells you "well, son, your erection appears to be subsiding after overdosing on all that Viagra"... But I think boner is mostly playful.. Like if you're trying to fuck some chick, you don't go up to her and say "man, you're giving me such a boner." That's a one-way ticket to a late night, solo spank-athon my friends.. And, boner can also be used to describe a blunder, like "my goodness, the war on terror was such a boner!" (note: a little political reference for the Frizog.. oh and for those who don't know, that's eric... i'll let you figure out which eric i mean)
bullshit: usually a statement of exclamation to show complete disdain for a situation.. for example, frizog and i thought we were super geniuses one day for coming up with the term "Ninja Slippers" to describe a vagina (picture a pair of ninja slippers put together at an angle so the two arches form a sort of vagina-hole... yeah, cool isn't it?), but the next day we found out some douche posted it on urban dictionary like 3 years ago.. So, in my understandably disappointed state, I exclaimed, "that is bullshit!".. Or, when my boss wants me to do something retarded, I say "this is bullshit!".. You get the idea.
brown eye: slang for the butthole, funny because in many cases it actually looks like a squinty brown eye.. I've also noticed it occasionally looks like pink eye, but using that may just confuse people.. like if you say "dude i fucked her right in the pink eye," your audience may think you mean some sort of disease-ridden skull-fucking..
blog: A really stupid word, and, as is my understanding of the etymology (also a great word, but doesn't really begin with B, unless you say betymology, which isn't a real word), it is a shortened form of "Weblog". Again, stupid.. Are we really so lazy that all we do is shorten words to make new words? It's like these fucking text-crazy kids these days that use emoticons and text-speak (ie "R U GR8?") in their homework assignments.. But teachers can't fail them, because then parents get involved and start bitching about the kid's soccer practice, or they pull the race card, or the parents both work, or some other fucking irrelevant excuse.. Meh, I'm off topic.. Blog, it's a stupid word, but it makes this rambling bullshit possible, so it gets an honorable mention today.
Done, going home, have a great day.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
this blog brought to you by the letter "A"
In no particular order other than to be representative of the randomness that is my stream of conscious:
augment: the way she tugged on it increased the blood flow to that region, augmenting my pee pee
avian: or ornithological, but that doesn't begin with "A", so it's out.. Oh, I was under the impression everyone had heard... Heard what? BUH BUH BUH BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD..
accident: because everyone needs a good "fall down the stairs"
alcohol: in and of itself, not a spectacular word, but c'mon, who doesn't love alcohol just a little?
asslicker: hahaha... asslicker... dirty... yes, i have the maturity level of a 3 year old, go have yourself a nice "accident"
akin: such a good one, because it's like saying "like," or, if i was clever, it would be akin to saying "like," but i'm not supposed to define a word with the same word, so it's like saying "like"... i'm dizzy..
Archie: as in Archie Bunker, one of the first great bigots on TV... gives us all something to look up to and admire..
Alkaline: of the famous Trio... helped me fall in love with punk music.. also made me hate the House of Blues..
anagram: because smart people like word jumbles.. Jim Morrison = Mr Mojo Rising... Bundt Cake = Abduct Ken.. Butt Sex Man = Man Sub Text.. haha no good anagrams for "anagram" though...
absinthe: not a fan personally, but kudos to a drink that makes you feel like a crack head while you prep it
Armageddon: good song, even better event! too bad that shitty movie had to go and taint it.. party at my house on Armageddon (the event, not the broadcast of the shitty movie)!!
anxiety: makes me anxious just saying it!
augment: the way she tugged on it increased the blood flow to that region, augmenting my pee pee
avian: or ornithological, but that doesn't begin with "A", so it's out.. Oh, I was under the impression everyone had heard... Heard what? BUH BUH BUH BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD..
accident: because everyone needs a good "fall down the stairs"
alcohol: in and of itself, not a spectacular word, but c'mon, who doesn't love alcohol just a little?
asslicker: hahaha... asslicker... dirty... yes, i have the maturity level of a 3 year old, go have yourself a nice "accident"
akin: such a good one, because it's like saying "like," or, if i was clever, it would be akin to saying "like," but i'm not supposed to define a word with the same word, so it's like saying "like"... i'm dizzy..
Archie: as in Archie Bunker, one of the first great bigots on TV... gives us all something to look up to and admire..
Alkaline: of the famous Trio... helped me fall in love with punk music.. also made me hate the House of Blues..
anagram: because smart people like word jumbles.. Jim Morrison = Mr Mojo Rising... Bundt Cake = Abduct Ken.. Butt Sex Man = Man Sub Text.. haha no good anagrams for "anagram" though...
absinthe: not a fan personally, but kudos to a drink that makes you feel like a crack head while you prep it
Armageddon: good song, even better event! too bad that shitty movie had to go and taint it.. party at my house on Armageddon (the event, not the broadcast of the shitty movie)!!
anxiety: makes me anxious just saying it!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
what is wrong with me
It's early, I'm tired and a little while ago I was grouchy.. But now I'm in a better mood, so I figured I'd give this a whirl early while I'm all disoriented to see what kind of random bullshit I could come up with.
I really want to get back to writing the parody CD with Eric.. He was jamming the Nazi and retard songs last night, and they really are gems.. We have a veritable cornucopia of song ideas, too.. We've got lyrics for Jesus is a Deadbeat, which I don't think requires any explanation. We all know he is.. Son of God my ass.. He's like the spiritual equivalent of Paris Hilton.. Talk about an heiress (well, heir I suppose). Could you imagine being the son of god? How kick ass would that be? I would make him teach me all of his magic powers, like lighting cigarettes with lightning from my finger tips, or whatever David Blane-esque tricks god can do. I mean really, if you were god, wouldn't you fuck around at least a little? Why does god have to be portrayed as such a fucking stiff all the time? He's got long hippy hair, I bet he's a little more chilled out now.. Plus he's a billion years old, so you know, doesn't have quite the same spring in his step that he once had.
I think it's kinda lame that science has explained most of the plagues in Exodus.. You all know me, for the most part, and probably all know that I don't believe in god and all, but I always liked Exodus because he just went crazy on people. I mean he really fucked the Egyptians up: frogs, locusts, rivers of blood, swarms, boils, disease, darkness and death to first borns.. How fun!! It's like god woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or his wife was bitching at him all day, or he had a bad day at work, and decided to take it out on humanity. Big cry baby..
Well that's all for today I think.. I dunno, maybe I'll be inspired later to talk about lepers and cannibals. We'll see.
I really want to get back to writing the parody CD with Eric.. He was jamming the Nazi and retard songs last night, and they really are gems.. We have a veritable cornucopia of song ideas, too.. We've got lyrics for Jesus is a Deadbeat, which I don't think requires any explanation. We all know he is.. Son of God my ass.. He's like the spiritual equivalent of Paris Hilton.. Talk about an heiress (well, heir I suppose). Could you imagine being the son of god? How kick ass would that be? I would make him teach me all of his magic powers, like lighting cigarettes with lightning from my finger tips, or whatever David Blane-esque tricks god can do. I mean really, if you were god, wouldn't you fuck around at least a little? Why does god have to be portrayed as such a fucking stiff all the time? He's got long hippy hair, I bet he's a little more chilled out now.. Plus he's a billion years old, so you know, doesn't have quite the same spring in his step that he once had.
I think it's kinda lame that science has explained most of the plagues in Exodus.. You all know me, for the most part, and probably all know that I don't believe in god and all, but I always liked Exodus because he just went crazy on people. I mean he really fucked the Egyptians up: frogs, locusts, rivers of blood, swarms, boils, disease, darkness and death to first borns.. How fun!! It's like god woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or his wife was bitching at him all day, or he had a bad day at work, and decided to take it out on humanity. Big cry baby..
Well that's all for today I think.. I dunno, maybe I'll be inspired later to talk about lepers and cannibals. We'll see.
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