when good pets go bad

Last night I got roped into watching America's Funniest Home Videos, which has fueled me with a nearly endless array of tirades I could go into.. I mean, this show has everything: guys racking themselves on playground equipment, fat women falling out of boats, lions pissing on people, psychotic pets.. I mean EVERYTHING.. And yet somehow, this show still makes me cringe.. And I think I've finally figured out why... Tom-Fucking-Bergeron..

This guy is a super douche.. His mindless asinine commentary on the mindless asinine collection of videos makes me want to slit my wrists while swan diving from the top floor of a really tall building.. Granted, swan diving and slitting your wrists at the same time would be impossible, considering the stretched out form it takes to nail a proper swan dive, but you know what I mean. But Tom Bergeron is such a douche, it almost seems worthwhile to try the wrist-slitting-swan-dive.. At least I won't have to listen to him say stupid shit anymore.

And how the fuck did this guy win a Daytime Emmy? Actually, he was a co-winner with Bob Barker... REALLY? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Bob Barker is a legend, a god among mere mortals, a shining beacon of hope amongst the trash that is the majority of daytime television. The Price is Right has kept me entertained for many a morning, especially back in college when most of my classes were later in the day.. I used to watch a lot of The Price is Right.. And on days I was sick, it was like chicken soup.. That dirty old man just made me smile.. Especially when he was hitting on the young hot contestants.. And getting angry at the old ones that couldn't spin the wheel.. Fucking Bob Barker is awesome.. It is tragic that Barker had to share his Daytime Emmy award with that fucking waste of time, space and air named Tom Fucking Bergeron. God I hate that guy..

And don't tell me it's the writers of AFV.. Fuck that, Bergeron was a douche on Hollywood Squares (a bigger douche than Whoopi Goldberg, and she fucked Ted Danson, so there's your point of reference for the day) and he's a douche on Dancing With The Stars.. He was a douche on Fox After Breakfast, or whatever lame news show it was he hosted.. He's always been a douche, and he'll always be a douche.. Perhaps the writers of these shows need to be shot too, but I'm willing to bet that with a better host, some of the material could actually be slightly funny.. Never hahaha funny, more of I-don't-want-to-kill-myself-or-break-the-TV funny.. Which isn't very funny, but it's better than the alternatives...

There was one other thing I noticed about the show last night that I think I've always subconsciously realized, but just never could put my finger on it.. Does anyone else realize that on most of the videos on AFV, the people that are filming must be complete assholes? I mean really.. Put the fucking camera down and go help someone.. For example, one video last night depicted a toddler, standing in a toilet, flushing the toilet... Awww how cute... NO!! Be a responsible adult, put the fucking camera down, and fish your child out of the porcelain bowl YOU SHIT IN!! WHAT THE FUCK!?! I'm sorry, but this just reinforces my belief that this country is full of fucking retards that haven't got the first clue when it comes to basic decency and social responsibility. And here we are, applauding them and laughing at their silly baby in a toilet.. How about I throw that baby in a dumpster? Is that funny? To see a kid writhing in garbage? Oops, now I'm the bad guy.. (on a side note, dumpster babies can be entertaining fodder.. check out the DB episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you don't believe me)..

On a positive note, I did see two of the smartest dogs in the world on this god-forsaken program.. One was a border collie that sat by his owner while dude threw about a dozen frisbees.. Then, on command, the collie ran out and collected all of the frisbees in one trip.. It doesn't sound as impressive as it was watching it.. Youtube it, I'm sure you'll find something similar.. God bless the internet.. Oh, and the second dog was some kinda terrier I think, but the guy threw the dog's bone into a pool, the bone sank, and the dog jumped in, swam to the bottom and retrieved it.. Again, doesn't sound as cool when I'm relaying through words, but whatever, I liked it and thought I'd share.