Boy, I've really been slacking on these damn blogs. What was once pure entertainment for myself (and hopefully you guys) is now becoming somewhat of a chore to keep up. It's not so much that I don't want to do these, but I just don't have the fucking time anymore. But, I managed to squeeze about 30 seconds out of my day today to post this, so you better read it and enjoy it! Onwards....
There's some funny shit I've seen on the internet recently, and here's some of it:
Kid Fathers Baby That's a Little Too Close to His Age Group
Full Story Here
Ugh... Really? This fucking kid is 13 and already has a baby? And he thinks he's going to be a devoted and caring father? He has no idea what being a father means. Fuck, I'm 28, I've been around kids for years and years, I have a bunch of friends and relatives that have kids, and I don't know what being a father really means. I don't think anyone does until they actually have kids, and even then I'm willing to bet it takes them 20-some-years to figure it out, if they ever do.
And really, how long do you think before this kid gets tired of having to deal with raising this kid before he tries to throw it in a dumpster or something? I couldn't even take care of a hermit crab at 13 because I didn't have the attention span to feed it regularly. Take this quote from the proud new papa Alfie:
"I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10."
Great.. So Alfie here is going to raise this kid on £10 that he gets "sometimes"? That's like $15 every once in a while. You can't even maintain a decent smoking/porn/drug habit on an unreliable $15 income. Though porn is pretty much free now (god bless the internet). And this article has a very distinct "aww, how cute is this" tone, like we're looking at a litter of kittens in a wicker basket. No, this isn't cute. This is fucked up and just another example of how fucking backwards and retarded this world really is. Ugh. Enough of this little pecker. I hope he figures it out, but I'm not holding my breath.
More Stupid Criminals
Here's a random selection of awesome mugshots from TheSmokingGun.com. There's not a single one in this group that I'd be comfortable seeing in any public area without a bright orange jumpsuit and wrist-to-ankle shackles, except maybe the Joker kid:
So this kid shows up at a movie theater, dressed as the Joker, and plans to steal Dark Knight movie posters. 'Nuff said? Yeah, I thought so too.
Nerdy Kid Thinks He's the Joker, Gets Busted
Hmm.. I don't even need to say anything about this guy.. But I will say kudos to whoever beat the shit out of him. He could probably use a few more licks from that billy club. I really hope this guy gets gang raped during his stint in prison.
Ignorant White Trash at Its Finest
And finally, this guy... Here's a tip: if you want to try to look like some bad ass satan worshiper, don't get a fucking bow tie tattoo on your neck. It kinda takes away from your street cred. And really, couldn't he throw a little color in there? Some crimson, perhaps? And what the fuck is he trying to look like? From the side shot, it looks like the tattoo is forming some sort of horn as it goes further back along the side of his head, which would indicate he's going for some sort of demon look. Personally, I think he looks like a fucking idiot.
Insert Clever Linking Headline About White Trash Here
Here's a good example of how a loving husband would do anything for his spouse. Even if that means dragging her wounded body to a street he knows how to spell:
That has seriously got to be the funniest solution to this problem he could've come up with. "I'll drag her over to Oak St., you can pick her up there." He didn't even ATTEMPT to spell eucalyptus (which, admittedly, is a lot harder to spell than you'd think).. But for fuck's sake, that's his home address! And, I'm sorry, but I have to ask: WHO THE FUCK GETS ATTACKED BY A WARTHOG AT THEIR HOME?? Where are warthogs wandering aimlessly through residential neighborhoods, terrorizing housewives? I didn't think warthogs were even native to the US. Ahh well, he probably mistook the warthog for a potbelly pig or some other relatively harmless, and generally domesticated, animal.
Ok, that's all for today and, if recent history has taught us anything, that's probably all for about a week. Later on dildos!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
welcome to the future of America
Bitch makes babies, gets money
You know, I'm all for helping people in need. But some people, well they just don't deserve any assistance at all. Take this bitch in California, for instance. This lady is already on welfare with 6 kids.. So what does she do? She spends some of her assistance money on in vitro fertilization and PRESTO! she pops out 8 more kids. And the wonderful taxpayers in California get to pay for this bitch's 14 kids! Hooray for government assistance!
Read full story here
Now, I'm all for helping people that really need help. In this failing economy, a lot of good, hard-working people are going to get fucked right out of their jobs, and that sucks. But this fucking bitch is just leeching off of the system. There's a million things I could say about this, but I'm going to shorten this up with a quick list:
1) Take these kids away from her. And before everyone starts bitching up a storm that a mother has rights, fuck that. Not in this case. She doesn't deserve these kids, she's single, she can't afford the 6 kids she already has, she's a burden on society, and I guarantee that those kids aren't exactly going to have a great life growing up. Oh, but she's going to school for her Master's in the fall... Yeah, right.. With 14 kids in tow? Good fucking luck.
2) Stop the cycle!! Sterilize this lady! I'm sorry, but the general public is full of stupid people that just exploit the system and get free handouts every chance they get. Welfare wasn't meant to allow people to be social parasites; it's meant to help people that fall on hard times. Unfortunately, too many people found out that if they just fall on hard weiners, they can pop out a couple kids and get some more money from the government. Kudos..
3) So she set up a donation fund for her and the kids? Hmm.. I swear to god if I ever meet someone that gives money to this bitch, I will kill them where they stand. 'Nuff said..
Apparently Sea Cows Can't Levitate
From Failblog comes this gem about how not knowing your own capabilities can be simultaneously dangerous and hilarious:
Ahh, good times. It's not like he even floated for a second or two and then settled gently to the ground.. Oh no, this guy fucking full-on flopped down to the floor. Really, people, if you're going to go on a nationally televised talent competition, have a fucking talent! Like this guy could probably get into motivational speaking and be fantastic at it. He's certainly got the presence, and his angle could be "hey, you could be me!".. Motivational speakers are weird like that; they always have some sort of gimmick that they hinge their entire talk on.. Like in high school, we had a guy come in that had no arms. He opened his talk by cracking open a pepsi can and drinking it with his feet. Which made me feel awesome because I have arms and don't have to cruise around the country opening shit with my feet like some kind of freak show. Didn't really motivate me though. Except to try opening shit with my feet.. You know, just in case..
Proof that idiots are susceptible to trickery
There's this British magician/mindreader/psychologist guy named Derren Brown who, apparently, is super famous in the UK for mind-fucking people. Well, I guess he's decided to take his act to the U.S. and take us all completely unawares. Now I highly recommend watching a few of his videos on Youtube just to get a better grasp on what this guy is all about, but this one in particular really reveals everything:
Check out the video here
Wow.. Imagine that.. Dumb-ass strippers are duped by a half-way decent looking British guy. Stop the press! Will the wonders never cease? Now, if you dissect this situation, as well as ones from the other videos, you'll notice a pattern: he targets morons. Wow.. Amazing. He's a regular David Blane. He uses the power of suggestion on people that are completely susceptible to mental trickery. Good for him. There's a few other funny videos (funny in the sense that it's all pretty obvious what's going on and it almost makes you wonder how much of it is set up), including one where he hits on models, one where he gets payouts on losing tickets at the dog track and one where he uses blank paper as currency. All have the same common theme: idiots. Amiright?
You know, I'm all for helping people in need. But some people, well they just don't deserve any assistance at all. Take this bitch in California, for instance. This lady is already on welfare with 6 kids.. So what does she do? She spends some of her assistance money on in vitro fertilization and PRESTO! she pops out 8 more kids. And the wonderful taxpayers in California get to pay for this bitch's 14 kids! Hooray for government assistance!
Read full story here
Now, I'm all for helping people that really need help. In this failing economy, a lot of good, hard-working people are going to get fucked right out of their jobs, and that sucks. But this fucking bitch is just leeching off of the system. There's a million things I could say about this, but I'm going to shorten this up with a quick list:
1) Take these kids away from her. And before everyone starts bitching up a storm that a mother has rights, fuck that. Not in this case. She doesn't deserve these kids, she's single, she can't afford the 6 kids she already has, she's a burden on society, and I guarantee that those kids aren't exactly going to have a great life growing up. Oh, but she's going to school for her Master's in the fall... Yeah, right.. With 14 kids in tow? Good fucking luck.
2) Stop the cycle!! Sterilize this lady! I'm sorry, but the general public is full of stupid people that just exploit the system and get free handouts every chance they get. Welfare wasn't meant to allow people to be social parasites; it's meant to help people that fall on hard times. Unfortunately, too many people found out that if they just fall on hard weiners, they can pop out a couple kids and get some more money from the government. Kudos..
3) So she set up a donation fund for her and the kids? Hmm.. I swear to god if I ever meet someone that gives money to this bitch, I will kill them where they stand. 'Nuff said..
Apparently Sea Cows Can't Levitate
From Failblog comes this gem about how not knowing your own capabilities can be simultaneously dangerous and hilarious:
Ahh, good times. It's not like he even floated for a second or two and then settled gently to the ground.. Oh no, this guy fucking full-on flopped down to the floor. Really, people, if you're going to go on a nationally televised talent competition, have a fucking talent! Like this guy could probably get into motivational speaking and be fantastic at it. He's certainly got the presence, and his angle could be "hey, you could be me!".. Motivational speakers are weird like that; they always have some sort of gimmick that they hinge their entire talk on.. Like in high school, we had a guy come in that had no arms. He opened his talk by cracking open a pepsi can and drinking it with his feet. Which made me feel awesome because I have arms and don't have to cruise around the country opening shit with my feet like some kind of freak show. Didn't really motivate me though. Except to try opening shit with my feet.. You know, just in case..
Proof that idiots are susceptible to trickery
There's this British magician/mindreader/psychologist guy named Derren Brown who, apparently, is super famous in the UK for mind-fucking people. Well, I guess he's decided to take his act to the U.S. and take us all completely unawares. Now I highly recommend watching a few of his videos on Youtube just to get a better grasp on what this guy is all about, but this one in particular really reveals everything:
Check out the video here
Wow.. Imagine that.. Dumb-ass strippers are duped by a half-way decent looking British guy. Stop the press! Will the wonders never cease? Now, if you dissect this situation, as well as ones from the other videos, you'll notice a pattern: he targets morons. Wow.. Amazing. He's a regular David Blane. He uses the power of suggestion on people that are completely susceptible to mental trickery. Good for him. There's a few other funny videos (funny in the sense that it's all pretty obvious what's going on and it almost makes you wonder how much of it is set up), including one where he hits on models, one where he gets payouts on losing tickets at the dog track and one where he uses blank paper as currency. All have the same common theme: idiots. Amiright?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
seth macfarlane is a super dude
Fuck me, I've been so uninspired lately to do this blog.. It's mostly because of work, which, as you all know, makes me want to punch small animals in the face.. But whatever, today is starting off ok.. I haven't been shaking with rage; in fact I'm pretty sure some advice I got yesterday is working out well.. Oh, and it's like 60 degrees and sunny out, so there's that too..
I was driving to work this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, when I saw this guy take his car up a snow bank and nearly flip his car.. Hilarious shit.. I almost wish it had rolled because I've always wanted to see that, but that wasn't in the cards for me this morning. But, he was tipped far enough for me to partially see into his sunroof, so naturally I laughed..
Now, a lot of you have probably seen this, but there's a scene about :50 in that just cracks me up:
It's like he got some bad acid and freaked out. Now I've been all mangled after the dentist before (4 wisdom teeth taken out in one shot), but I'll be damned if I've ever hallucinated and felt the need to belt out a Braveheart-esque roar on the way home.. In fact, there's really only two things I was thinking about after that experience: sleep and pills. Whenever I wasn't sleeping, I was eating pills, and vice versa.. I'm pretty sure I managed to suck down some apple sauce or some other pureed food.. Fuck, I was so out of it, I probably would've eaten wet cat food at that point.
Holy shit, did you know Seth MacFarlane has some animated shorts on YouTube? Check this out:
I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker either looked like a horse or a foot, I could never quite figure out which. Shame on Maxim, though.. In one issue, they're calling her one of the most overrated chicks, and a couple issues later, they're saying how hot she is. You know what, she's not hot. If she ever got fat, Matthew Broderick could just dangle a carrot in front of her to get her to run on the treadmill.
And in this episode, Princess Peach finally gets her comeuppance:
Mario has a damn good point here. It's not like he was trying to get a beej for his troubles, he just wanted a kiss. Is that really too much to ask? The Princess is such a bitch. Though, on the other hand, he did essentially just trip out the whole time eating mushrooms, which, while undoubtedly exhausting, was probably a lot of fun.
I was driving to work this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, when I saw this guy take his car up a snow bank and nearly flip his car.. Hilarious shit.. I almost wish it had rolled because I've always wanted to see that, but that wasn't in the cards for me this morning. But, he was tipped far enough for me to partially see into his sunroof, so naturally I laughed..
Now, a lot of you have probably seen this, but there's a scene about :50 in that just cracks me up:
It's like he got some bad acid and freaked out. Now I've been all mangled after the dentist before (4 wisdom teeth taken out in one shot), but I'll be damned if I've ever hallucinated and felt the need to belt out a Braveheart-esque roar on the way home.. In fact, there's really only two things I was thinking about after that experience: sleep and pills. Whenever I wasn't sleeping, I was eating pills, and vice versa.. I'm pretty sure I managed to suck down some apple sauce or some other pureed food.. Fuck, I was so out of it, I probably would've eaten wet cat food at that point.
Holy shit, did you know Seth MacFarlane has some animated shorts on YouTube? Check this out:
I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker either looked like a horse or a foot, I could never quite figure out which. Shame on Maxim, though.. In one issue, they're calling her one of the most overrated chicks, and a couple issues later, they're saying how hot she is. You know what, she's not hot. If she ever got fat, Matthew Broderick could just dangle a carrot in front of her to get her to run on the treadmill.
And in this episode, Princess Peach finally gets her comeuppance:
Mario has a damn good point here. It's not like he was trying to get a beej for his troubles, he just wanted a kiss. Is that really too much to ask? The Princess is such a bitch. Though, on the other hand, he did essentially just trip out the whole time eating mushrooms, which, while undoubtedly exhausting, was probably a lot of fun.
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