strange folk

Man, I was just thinking about the days when I was in restaurants and really living the dream. There's always a plethora of interesting characters that you get to interact with on a nightly basis.

This one time, as we were about to close up for the night, these two older ladies came in and wanted a quick bite to eat. When I say older, I mean like mid-30's, which at the time I would've considered older since I was only 18 or 19 when this happened. Really not the point.. Anyway, they're pretty hot for older chicks, probably both married but whatever, so I tell them we can make some tacos or some bullshit like that, but the full menu wouldn't be available. Now, this was in Naperville, so I was expecting them to play the typical Naperville-mom role and bitch up a storm.. Oh no, they were quite grateful, so I showed them to their seats and got some tacos going for them.. So they're sitting there eating their tacos, and I'm doing my side work (for those of you NOT familiar with the trials and tribulations of restaurant closing duties, that basically means you get to sit there and roll silverware into napkins, marry ketchups [fill one bottle with the remains of a different bottle], clean up your stations and blow the cook... What?? You're not supposed to blow the cook? Son of a bitch.. Fucking Mexicans..).. Anyway, so I'm sitting at one of the tables by these chicks, working on my silverware and marrying ketchups in my most seductive manner possible (there's nothing seductive about that process; it's akin to two gay guys "docking" minus the sleeve... check urbandictionary.com if you don't know what docking is), when one of them asks me to be a mediator in a discussion they were having.. Long story short, they asked me if it was ok for women to have boy toys, much in the same way men act as sugardaddies to what basically amounts to whores.. Seriously, if you are fucking a dude for his money, you are a whore (same goes for you guys that are with older chicks for money). I don't care how you slice it, you are both consenting to what amounts to prostitution and you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Damn, I digress again.. There's really not an awesome ending to this story unfortunately... I think the only way this story could end on an awesome note is if I banged both of those chicks in a wild drunken three-way.. Didn't happen.. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps things would've been different.. Maybe not, who knows..

I was working at this bar in Naperville one time (different place from the clever little anecdote you just enjoyed) and this patron asked me to sell him weed.. Hahaha I was like dude, are you fucking kidding? Even if I smoked weed, I wouldn't sell some random bar douche (who was alone, mind you) some drugs.. I wonder if he was undercover.. Come to think of it, that would make sense.. Hmm, I may have made a really good decision that night.. Cuz god knows if I was stupid, I could've gotten him some shit.. Spoiler alert: almost everyone that works in restaurants and/or bars gets high or drunk on a regular basis.. Like every night.. At work, after work, days off, whatever... Restaurant workers are quite fond of inebriation of any variety. It's rarely a stressful job, maybe a few hours a night on Friday/Saturday dinner shifts, but fuck, it's VERY conducive to wanting to get fucked up.. Maybe being surrounded by booze and drunks all day and night... We used to get these weekend-warrior-types that would come in on Sunday mornings and get completely annihilated on bloody marys from like 10am until 5pm.. It was like their day job on Sundays.. And let me tell you, they were certainly good at it..

I was the middle man of a fight there one time.. This guy in my section asked me to send some other dude a Shirley Temple (7up or sprite and grenadine, which is a cherry syrup.. basically makes Cherry 7up... grenadine and coke = dank cherry coke... you get the idea). I should've figured he was being a dick... He's one of those guys that, nowadays, you'd see wearing an Affliction shirt, looking like a fucking douche at the bar.. Yeah, I said it.. Affliction shirts are fucking stupid and they should all be gathered into a pile and burned, along with anyone that buys them.. Burn you douches, burn!!! But anyway, I figure this other dude is someone he knows and he's just messing with him, so I bring it out.. Turns out, they don't know each other, and the recipient proceeds to beat the shit out of my customer.. I felt bad at the time, but looking back I'm pretty sure he deserved it.. Moral of the story, don't insult someone you don't know at a bar unless you are ready to fight him.. Or her, if you're either a dude that likes to beat up chicks or a chick that likes to beat up chicks.. Mmmm.... Chick on chick action... hahahaha