La La Land

An interesting conversation got brought up last night, so I figured I'd share.. I was asked what celebrities I've met/ran into/fantasized about.. Ok, so I made that last part up, but I was asked which ones I find hot, which to a guy is the equivalent of fantasizing about... Seriously, what guy is like, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take her out to dinner." No, it's usually, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take out back and show her a few things.. Namely my genitals..." Sorry, ladies, but that's how it is.. Don't worry, just because you're not a celebrity doesn't mean I don't want to show you my genitals..

So we'll start with celebs I've met.. It's the shortest list.. I once met Danny Glover at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at LAX. That was a weird one.. I was taking a late ass flight back to Chicago, so it was like 11pm when I got to the airport. I was cruising through security and bag checks and all that TSA bullshit pretty quickly, so I had time to grab a bite to eat.. Wolfgang was the only place open so, even though I hate that guy, I figured what the hell.. Surely the profits from my beer and sandwich are not going directly to Mr. Puck's pocket.. What kind of last name is Puck anyway? Wasn't Puck the name of that douche bag in one of the first Real Worlds? The guy that raced soap box cars and blew snot rockets... Wonder what he's up to now... Anyway, so I'm sitting there eating my sandwich, drinking my beer and watching something on late night ESPN (World Series of Poker undoubtedly) when in walks this guy... He sits a couple seats down from me and orders up a drink and a salad.. At this point, I wasn't paying much attention to him.. It was LAX, late as hell and he was some random black guy.. That spells trouble in most books..

So I'm sitting there, minding my business, and this guy's salad comes out.. I kid you not he ate his salad like a fucking giraffe.. He would shove as much salad as he could fit into his mouth and then some.. You know how giraffes always have branches hanging out of their faces while they chew like a cow? Yeah, that's how this guy was eating.. So I kinda look over at him, admiring his giraffe-like qualities, when I realize who he is, and I utter, "holy shit." At this point, he looks over at me, partially chewed lettuce hanging out of his face, and gives me this inquisitive look.. "You're Danny Glover," I say, managing to point out the painfully obvious like I usually do.. "Um-hmm" he mutters, still chewing his most recent bite of salad.. I immediately apologize for disrupting him, 'cause I figure if I'm a celebrity, especially someone with the notoriety of Danny Glover, I'd wanna be left the hell alone if I'm at LAX at 11pm on a fucking Tuesday.. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy.. We chatted about some bullshit (what I do, why am I in LA, why am I hassling him, why am I looking at him with dreamy eyes, etc.) then I realize that this is just weird, so I finish up my beer, bid him adieu, and head to my gate.. So that's my Danny Glover story.. I wish he had pooped himself or something, but no, I think his boxers remained streak-free that night.. Too bad..

I also met Nomar Garciaparra briefly after a game.. He was a pretty cool guy.. Gave him some tips on his batting slump which he didn't seem to appreciate (or heed; he was in that slump for the rest of his time with the Cubs), but otherwise was pretty gracious..

As for celebrities I've run into... The same night as Danny Glover, I ran into Fabio (that guy with the hair) and Bruce Vilanch, the fat guy with the Jew fro that thinks he's funny... He's not.. I ran into Mel Gibson (fucking Patriots!) in Chicago while he was filming Payback (I think it was Payback.. can't be sure... does it matter? it's a fucking anecdote.. get over it).. He's amazingly short, and he smokes like a guy that hates Jewish people... Too soon? hahaha Oh and Chris Carpenter, of St. Louis Cardinals' fame... He pitched a complete game against us and I ran into him by the player's parking lot after the game.. Gave him a hearty "good game" before he got into his limo.. Anticlimactic, I know...

Ok, now the fun part.. Celebrities I fantasize about.. I mean celebs I think are hot.. I've always had a thing for Elisabeth Shue.. I think it was Adventures in Babysitting that did it for me.. Ever since then I've been hooked.. She went through this weird Meg-Ryan-Plastic-Face phase, but she's bounced back nicely.. Rachel McAdams, pretty hot... Elisha Cuthbert, need I say more? Jessica Biel in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not Jessica Biel in Stealth, that movie makes me wanna club baby seals)... Salma Hayek pre-Ed Norton, so around Desperado or From Dusk Til Dawn.. Wowzers!

I'm sure there's plenty of other celebrities I'm not thinking of, but I figured this would make a nice jumping point for discussion.. So, if you've ever met a celebrity, run into one, or just think one is particularly hot and you'd like the rest of us to know who you regularly masturbate to, feel free to share!