You're Dancing Your Way Straight to Helll!!

Ok, so I don't want to be one of those bloggers that grabs content from someone else, dumps it in here, and comments on it as though my thoughts and ideas are not only unique and original, but pertinent to your daily lives.. But today, I will be that guy. You've gotta see this:

Check this out

Before I get into the meat of this, understand something.. I don't care if you're Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist.. I just don't care.. But what I can't stand are these fundamentalist, conservative assholes that believe that everything mankind does, everything that makes life worth living, is evil. I can just imagine some Baptist pastor giving his potty-training child a copy of "You're a Naughty Child and That's Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside" so he can learn to shit on the toilet, in His sight..

In college, there used to be these preachers that would hang out in the commons and sermonize. I think they were Baptist, but I also don't think it really matters. Sure, Baptists are pretty fundamental, but I'm sure some of them know how to party.. Ok, probably not, but whatever, I'm willing to bet most of them aren't pricks. Anyway, these guys were fucking crazy. First of all, there were always 2 preachers at least, and on occasion, their families joined them! How fun, right kids?! Here's how I envision this going down:

"Daddy, I want to go to school and play with the other children!"
"But the other children are pagans and will burn in the depths of Hell for eternity. You don't want God to think you are one of them, do you?"
(Child looks wistfully out the window)
"No, I suppose not."

It's like a dick version of Ned Flanders. At least Ned had a slight sense of humor about his own Bible-banging ways.. These preachers, though, were all business. A couple notable memories of these guys and their wacky antics:

1) During one especially rousing sermon on abortion, in which the preachers claimed all female college students were whores and all male college students were pimps, one of the preachers took a 6 foot long poster of an aborted fetus and ran up to a group of kids (I'm talking like 3rd graders) and was yelling, "don't kill our future!" or something to that effect... First of all, not ALL college females are whores, because I tried to bang a bunch of them, and, even after offering to pay, I still got shot down, so that disproves that theory. Second, not all male students could be pimps; most of the dudes I knew were poor, so either they weren't pimps or they just weren't very good at pimping. And third, do you REALLY need to show a group of 3rd graders a fetus that looks like the Bay Harbor Butcher got a hold of it?

2) During a speech on discipline, the preachers claimed that we (the students) all turned out like shit due to bad parenting and poor discipline.. According to these guys, if you aren't hitting your kids or verbally abusing them on a regular basis, you aren't doing your job as a parent. It's true, you know.. If Little Johnny ends up with a few bruises, just use the old "he fell down the stairs" excuse.. And then beat him when he gets home for bruising so easily.. One guy stood up and told them that his dad never hit him and he turned out just fine.. One of the preachers called his dad a pussy.. A PUSSY!! Do you believe that shit? The balls on this guy...

But anyway, back to the whole point of this.. That lady is really going to hell for dancing? If I were god, I'd send the guy in the picture on the right to hell for being a smug fuck. What ever happened to the whole philosophy of man not judging his fellow man? And don't be a feminist bitch about that sentence, I wrote it like that for simplicity. I hate people that use "he/she" or "his/her".. Shut the fuck up with your women's lib bullshit. I digress.. I really have to imagine that, if god does exist, he is not stupid enough to send someone to hell for dancing. Though according to Rev. Falwell, dancing leads to all sorts of other fun activities like sex, drug use, drinking, smoking and *gasp* more dancing! This may very well be the least thought out slippery slope fallacy I've ever heard.. Plus, he's got it backwards.. Most of the time, drinking and drug use leads to dancing, not the other way around.. Who out there is like, "man, I've danced my ass off.. better eat some X"? No sir, I'm quite sure it's never gone down like that.

I wonder if the term Bible-banger has any roots in reality.. Do you think there's a bible somewhere with a hole cut into it with the stains of KY around the edges? I bet someone's gone there.. Ewww the papercuts.. Well, couldn't be any worse than being a heroin junkie that's run out of veins, so he pops a boner just so he can shoot it in the 'ole Blue Vein.. Gangrenous weiners are gross.. But any junkie that shows that kind of commitment deserves an award, like a Boy Scout badge of honor or something, maybe the key to the city.. I dunno, but there should definitely be an event of some sort. Whatever, you know you'd want to hear about it.