science jokes are fun

Really, most science jokes are not fun. I had a teacher in grade school that used to make stupid puns about science stuff in a futile attempt to keep the class's attention. I wish I could remember them, but I think my brain has blocked out the memories.. I guess the closest equivalent would be if a math teacher said, "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!" Get it? Seven Ate Nine? Seven EIGHT Nine... Yeah, it doesn't translate well in written form, but oh well you get the idea..

Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:




It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:

Britney Spears is on the Rag!

EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos

What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!

And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..


Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?


Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.

But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!

ahhh, clever euphemisms

From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this gem about always knowing EXACTLY what you're getting into...




Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..

Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww

fuck comcast

So I finally am rid of the evil empire known as Comcast. I really hate those fucking people. They've been such a monopoly for so long that they still have that "if you don't like it, go fuck yourself" attitude. The good news is that's no longer the case. Most of us have options now. WoW, RCN, AT&T and satellite (DirecTV and the like) are all making waves and offering some serious competition to Comcast. Personally, I switched to AT&T, which despite issues with getting the installation done, has been working out great. Besides, they are giving me a ton of credit for their fuck ups on the installation, so I'm happy.

The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.

So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.

Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...

So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"

At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...

Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

sticking with it

Since I have absolutely nothing original to say today (ie I'm incapable of pulling a blog out of my ass like my man BK is perfectly capable of doing on a nearly daily basis), I'm bringing you a collection of internet tidbits I've seen over the last few days. Enjoy:

Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts

Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:

1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?

2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.

But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!

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I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes

Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.

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Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn

The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.

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Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs

I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.

Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.

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Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!

I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.

april fools

A few people I know decided to play April Fool's jokes on the general populous, and I even got some backlash for not doing my own prank.. I'll get back to that in a minute.. So Tom told everyone he BIC'ed his head, but then retracted it shortly thereafter.. Kudos to getting everyone riled up about it, but no points due to lack of committment. Ya gotta really SELL that shit dude! Tomfoolery indeed..

Lisa on the other hand had me going for a couple days with her fake engagement. 10 points for originality, and 100000000 points for ruining Dan's ego! Hahaha just kidding man, you know I love ya!

As for myself, I haven't been into April Fool's jokes ever since that one time I left a fake message for a friend that the doctor called and told him the tests came back positive. He wore black and cried for one whole year, saving every tear in a jar. What a pansy..

Not much else going on. I got a dog, which anyone who reads this is undoubtedly aware of and probably tired of hearing about. But she kicks ass and she fucked up a neighbor's dog in a friendly puppy fight, so that was cool. She pinned his ass and had her mouth around his throat. If she were really a killer, that dog would be Chinese food by now, but she's really just a pacifist.

I don't get what the big deal is about eating dogs. Like I wouldn't eat my dog, because she's more fun to play with and, frankly, she'll have much more meat on her in a couple years than she does now, but why is everyone so grossed out by this. Is it the "dogs have personality" argument from Pulp Fiction? That can't be it, because there's a ton of animals that don't have personality that I wouldn't eat: cockroaches, pill bugs, and Jews. And there's a ton of animals with personality that I would eat: kittens, puppies and koala bears. I dunno, maybe I'm weird.

Finally, what the fuck is up with The Day After Tomorrow-esque weather today? It's like Frosty the Snowman had the runs and shit all over northern Illinois. It's April for god's sake, get with the warm weather already!! And no, there will be no shitty jokes about global warming not making the earth warmer. But seriously, it shouldn't be called "warming" if it's affecting the whole weather cycle; it should be called Global Weather Cluster Fuck, though I don't know if they can say that on the news. They should be able to, I'm tired of censorship. Tell it like it is: we're all fucked. Like the economy; quit pussy footing around it and just tell us we're all fucked and we just need to ride it out.

Ok I got nothing else for you lassies and lads. Take it easy!