this blog takes an unexpected turn

Let's get it out of the way right now; I'm suspending the alphabet blogs for a little while. Shit, with how little I've been posting, some of you probably thought the blog was dead forever.. But, I've gotten bitched at by a few people for not writing, so I'm here, now, in a terribly shitty foul mood, and doing it because I love you guys. Thanks for the support. Ok, no more mushy crap, on with the show!

Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:

Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film

Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..

But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.

Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll

So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...

Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!

kids say the darndest things

Check this out

Wow, what an awesome world we live in.. Whoever took that stick is a fucking asshole. Nothing like shitting on the dreams and joys of childhood to make your own life seem decent. That's like running up to a kid sitting on Santa's lap and being like, "he's not real!" as you rip the impostor's beard off. Or maybe getting a kid an Iron Man lunch box and taking a shit in it. I mean really, what kind of prick do you have to be to take some kid's souvenir hockey stick after the Winter Classic? How much you wanna bet that's already made its way through eBay? Then again, maybe the guy is a big hockey fan and now that kid's souvenir is his trophy..

I like to shit on kids' dreams, though, I'll be honest.. Maybe I'm an asshole too.. Like when a kid says "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up," I just want to respond with, "well that's stupid.. why don't you sell women's shoes or something you'll actually be good at." Best to set the bar low early, that way they're never disappointed.

And why is it that kids are NEVER fucking satisfied? You could give some kid a robot that does their homework, plays kickball with him, and even listens to their bullshit stories... But the second that kid sees some other kid playing with, I dunno, boogers, he's instantly like "i don't want a robot, i want boogers!!"

If you know anyone that has kids, and you hate them (the parents), buy the kid a toy that doesn't automatically shut off and makes the most atrocious sounds ever.. Seriously, it works... And here's why.. Kids are drawn to obnoxious sounds similar to bugs drawn to light, so there will be an instant infatuation on the kid's part with said toy... Now, here's the best part... It's not so much that the kid wants to play with the toy that makes noise, he just wants to hear the fucking thing make a bunch of noise.. He could turn the thing on, go two floors away, and if you turn it off, he'll come back in, turn it on again, then leave..

Bah, I don't know where I'm going with this.. Fuck kids.. Oh, wait, not like that.. Umm, nevermind..

louis ck is a funny man

Seriously, that guy is fucking insane, but also hilarious.. He's got some new standup on Showtime that we watched last night; fucking genius! There's one part where he's talking about how his kid is a picky eater.. He's like, "you're gonna fucking DIE if you don't eat, you fucking moron!" Hahahahahaha that is some funny shit.. Very true though.. Not that I have kids, but I've been around other people's kids enough to know the frustrations of kids' stubbornness... Or how they like to throw away the bowl of berries you just served them up after they've been begging you for them for the last hour.. I have often thought about just screaming some deranged shit at them like that, but I found that most parents aren't cool with you screaming profanities and balls of logic at their kids, no matter how right you may be.. One time, I was sitting on the floor and this kid was up in my face having a conversation.. So, things are going ok so far, right? Well then he starts screaming right in my face, like the loudest, most blood-curlingest (curlingest? not a word, i know, but fuck you) scream I'd ever heard, and literally INCHES from my face... So, naturally, I yell back, "YOU LIKE THAT?!?! YOU LIKE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!! SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" That's the natural reaction, right? Isn't that what most mature adults will do? Probably not, because most adults with kids recognize something that I didn't until that moment: screaming in a kid's face like that isn't scary to them, it's funny.. This kid actually had the nerve to smile as I was screaming.. Hahaha oh well, live and learn I guess..

Hahahaha an Indian guy just made a camel jockey joke... Hahahaha hilarious