"D"-fence

I know, fucking lame title.. But football is almost over and we've got about 40 days until Spring Training opens, so whatever.. I don't know what that has to do with anything, other than the fact that in about 3 weeks I'm gonna be fucking miserable.. I'm not a huge football fan, but it gets me through from October to February, then there's nothing but basketball and hockey.. Now, both of those are legitimate sports, unlike bowling or croquet or some other lame crap.. But, frankly, they both suck ass and I'm completely uninterested in either one.. It's weird, my life doesn't revolve around sports, but that 5-6 weeks between the Super Bowl and Spring Training are excruciating.. It may be the fact that I'm deep in the throes of winter depression, but whatever.. I hate it, let's move on to today's list..

doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..

dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..

"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..

Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!

Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:

http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html

dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...



Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..

Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..