kids say the darndest things

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Wow, what an awesome world we live in.. Whoever took that stick is a fucking asshole. Nothing like shitting on the dreams and joys of childhood to make your own life seem decent. That's like running up to a kid sitting on Santa's lap and being like, "he's not real!" as you rip the impostor's beard off. Or maybe getting a kid an Iron Man lunch box and taking a shit in it. I mean really, what kind of prick do you have to be to take some kid's souvenir hockey stick after the Winter Classic? How much you wanna bet that's already made its way through eBay? Then again, maybe the guy is a big hockey fan and now that kid's souvenir is his trophy..

I like to shit on kids' dreams, though, I'll be honest.. Maybe I'm an asshole too.. Like when a kid says "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up," I just want to respond with, "well that's stupid.. why don't you sell women's shoes or something you'll actually be good at." Best to set the bar low early, that way they're never disappointed.

And why is it that kids are NEVER fucking satisfied? You could give some kid a robot that does their homework, plays kickball with him, and even listens to their bullshit stories... But the second that kid sees some other kid playing with, I dunno, boogers, he's instantly like "i don't want a robot, i want boogers!!"

If you know anyone that has kids, and you hate them (the parents), buy the kid a toy that doesn't automatically shut off and makes the most atrocious sounds ever.. Seriously, it works... And here's why.. Kids are drawn to obnoxious sounds similar to bugs drawn to light, so there will be an instant infatuation on the kid's part with said toy... Now, here's the best part... It's not so much that the kid wants to play with the toy that makes noise, he just wants to hear the fucking thing make a bunch of noise.. He could turn the thing on, go two floors away, and if you turn it off, he'll come back in, turn it on again, then leave..

Bah, I don't know where I'm going with this.. Fuck kids.. Oh, wait, not like that.. Umm, nevermind..

happy new year

Yet another year has passed us by and I find myself wondering where the time is going. It seems like every year goes by faster than the previous; perhaps one day I will wake up with shit in my pants and realize that I'm 80 years old.. I certainly hope not, and I'm certainly not excited about that prospect, despite my affinity for good poop jokes.

Each year, around this time, there's a certain tradition correlating January 1st to the need to resolve to be better people (or worse, I guess, depending where you take this whole New Year's resolutions thing).. I don't remember the last year I resolved to do anything, but I've got a few this year. 2008 was a really kick ass year for me, despite it starting off in the sewers (not literally, I am not a ninja turtle), and I expect 2009 to be even better.. I'm coming into this year at full speed; my New Year's Eve celebration is certainly indicative of that.. Some highlights of that evening:

1) Riding the L: ok, I have a whole new outlook on public transportation after that evening. There's a certain comeraderie that develops with your fellow passengers that you simply can't find anywhere else.. Impressively, one guy was actually able to name the kind of beer I was drinking just by seeing the top inch or so of the bottle that was hidden so cleverly in a paper bag... It's water officer, I swear! But we made some friends on the train that night; some people even remembered us on the return trip.. Whether that's good or not is open for debate..

2) The Lawrence Arms: as always, these guys don't disappoint.. Though I think BK was a little too drunk to be his usual hilarious self, but he played awesome. And Chris sang well! Oh, and the opening bands didn't suck! Great show all around..

3) Falling down Kate's stairs: I fell down her stairs, mangled myself, yet came away unscathed! Take that, god! Brad, on the other hand, fucked his wrist up something fierce. Good luck man! Save some meds for me hahaha

4) Slam dancing like a kid: I danced, I yelled, I sang... And yet the next day I miraculously felt ok...

5) Screwdrivers on New Years Day: to the bartender at Dave & Buster's, shame on you, but thanks for the free drinks! Screwdrivers may be my new favorite hangover cure.. Bloody Marys can still suck a dick.. Not to mention the Douche Crew that came into the bar; we considered sending them a round of shirley temples, but they were in too much of a hurry to go play Dance Dance Revolution..

6) Beckins breaking my thingy: no, she didn't break my weiner... She knows what this is about.. hahaha Beckins, just kidding :) I'm just givin' ya shit

7) Not dying/going to jail/going to hospital/babysitting: all fairly self-explanatory.. Though a nite in the drunk tank could've been interesting... Hmm..

8) The Belmont transfer: Guinness at a random bar, tallboys in paperbags from the neighboring liquor store, harrassing the liquor store employee, and listening to some crack head talk about the Winter Classic and telling his "bitch to shut up"...

9) Punching that kid in the face: it was a complete accident, but he was cool about it.. Props to you bud

So yeah, NYE was fun as hell.. Only thing missing was Kate.. She was out like a light when we got back.. Oh well, there's always next year..

Hope you all had as much fun as we did! Happy 2009!

louis ck is a funny man

Seriously, that guy is fucking insane, but also hilarious.. He's got some new standup on Showtime that we watched last night; fucking genius! There's one part where he's talking about how his kid is a picky eater.. He's like, "you're gonna fucking DIE if you don't eat, you fucking moron!" Hahahahahaha that is some funny shit.. Very true though.. Not that I have kids, but I've been around other people's kids enough to know the frustrations of kids' stubbornness... Or how they like to throw away the bowl of berries you just served them up after they've been begging you for them for the last hour.. I have often thought about just screaming some deranged shit at them like that, but I found that most parents aren't cool with you screaming profanities and balls of logic at their kids, no matter how right you may be.. One time, I was sitting on the floor and this kid was up in my face having a conversation.. So, things are going ok so far, right? Well then he starts screaming right in my face, like the loudest, most blood-curlingest (curlingest? not a word, i know, but fuck you) scream I'd ever heard, and literally INCHES from my face... So, naturally, I yell back, "YOU LIKE THAT?!?! YOU LIKE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!! SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" That's the natural reaction, right? Isn't that what most mature adults will do? Probably not, because most adults with kids recognize something that I didn't until that moment: screaming in a kid's face like that isn't scary to them, it's funny.. This kid actually had the nerve to smile as I was screaming.. Hahaha oh well, live and learn I guess..

Hahahaha an Indian guy just made a camel jockey joke... Hahahaha hilarious

merry christmas and all that

Well merry friggin' christmas everyone, and a happy new year to you all.. This will likely be my last blog this year, unless I really get bored during my time off and decide to say something really perverted.

Yeah I found out the other day that my company is going to shut down from 12/24-1/5.. Part of me is stoked because I'm on the verge of truly hating my job, yet part of me is wondering what the fuck i'm going to do for 10 days.. I could blog, sure.. I could also work out, maybe.. I could sit around in my underwear, occasionally scratching myself in provocative ways.. Hmm.. I like that idea the best. It's very difficult to do, you know.. Scratching oneself in a manner that would prove provocative to the opposite sex.. I mean really if you're sitting there scratching your balls/vag, you are more than likely not going to seem that attractive.. Either you just haven't showered and it's just some natural dirt build up, or you've got some sort of STD that is causing your nether-regions to itch something awful.. So either way, you're fucked.. And not in the good way that we all know and love..

And damn it I'm going to make this final declaration.. I fucking hate christmas music! I mean jesus christ, do I really have to listen to Bing Crosby singing Silent Night, Holy Night for 2 months?? Seriously, I think I could deal with it if, on Christmas Day, I listened to it.. But that's one day out of the year.. That I think I could handle.. And before anyone bitches that I'm being a scrooge on the holidays and i should count my blessings, go fuck yourself.. I am very happy that I don't have cancer, that I have a job, that I have a home, all that shit.. I am very grateful to myself for providing myself with that stuff.. Though if I did have cancer, or no job, or no home, these blogs could get significantly more interesting.. Hmm... And less frequent, cuz then I probably wouldn't have a computer or internet access, so I'd have to stalk Starbucks and use someone's computer while they're in the john..

Well anyway, that's the end of today's rant.. Wasn't really a rant, but whatever.. Happy holidays bitches! Be safe!

the weekend cure-all

So Friday was one of the roughest days I've had in a while.. I'm pretty sure I seriously considered jumping in front of a freight train on numerous occasions.. I guess it could've been worse.. I suppose someone I know could've called me to tell me they have some terminal illness or something awful like that... But no, it was just a god-awful, shitty fucking day.. Nothing like an awesome weekend to turn things around!

Friday night I got fucked up and threw snowballs at teddy bears, cars and Eric's walls.. We set fire to a doll.. We played single-shot-nerf-gun-spin-and-shoot... Oh and we broke through a flimsy kid's easle, and Eric's buddy thinks he broke his hand.. I say impossible because that thing was like punching through wet cardboard.. Shit Eric and I went for 4 layers at some point, like fucking Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, he throws down? True story... Anyway, there's a bunch of hilarious videos up now of this eventful evening, check out them out here:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&channelID=408764405

Saturday I spent with Kate's family.. Talk about immersion! haha It was great though, ate a shit ton of awesome food (that stuffing was the shizzle), drank a bunch of beers and had a bunch of laughs.. Her grandma threatened me with a knife at one point, and her aunt yelled at me because she thought I was talking about Bloomington, not Bloomingdale... Hilarious shit.. I was just trying to get directions to the highway, next thing I know I'm being scolded.. hahahaha well yeah, that's my life.. Try to do one thing, get yelled at about something almost unrelated.. hahaha good times..

Oh and last night we got drunk again, down in the city... Got scolded by some gay bartender about ordering Irish Car Bombs.. Apparently they had just had some meeting and decided they'd no longer serve them... Yet Kate was able to get a Jager Bomb AND a Miller Lite????!!! Yeah, that makes sense.. So the rest of us were like, "Ok, let's have 4 Guinneses, 4 shots of Jameson, and 4 shots of Bailey's..." But the bartender was on to our scheme... Damn him... But seriously, if you're going to serve one person a Jager bomb and a beer at the same time, surely you can deal up some Car Bombs there, barkeep.. Ahh well, I had a Guinness instead and it was good..

Oh man on the way back we stopped at the Des Plaines Oasis, because apparently eric and i are getting old and frequently have to pee.. I wonder if I should invest in some FloMax.. Anyway, so we go to McDonald's, and this guy is bitching up a storm about how it took 5 minutes to get his coffee.. I mean he's throwing a genuine temper tantrum.. What a little bitch that guy was.. I think we were both really close to saying something, but he just shuffled out in a pissy huff..

Ok this blog is retarded.. No poop stories.. Oh jesus, speaking of poop... I gotta go!!

driving through marshmallow fluff

Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell! Was that the cold, icy circle in Dante's Inferno? I can never remember.. It doesn't really matter, the point is it's fucking cold and shitty.. Anyway, it's not so much cold outside, but this snow is fucking nuts.. Unfortunately, it's that wet, icy snow that just makes everything wet and nasty, rather than that lighter, fluffier snow that you can mold into snowballs that are stronger than the titanium they use on the space shuttles and pelt people with them... Or go skiing on, whichever you prefer.. Me, I'm an asshole, so I'd prefer to cause injury.. hahaha jk jk

This morning started off pretty shitty.. Amazingly, I was able to get all this shit off of my car with little incident, so I thought things were looking up.. Then I hit up the starbucks on the way to work... Dicks... Then, the two main roads that make up 80% of my commute are covered in this slushy, shitty, sticky, slippery, sucky fucking shit that meteorologists refer to as a "Wintery Mix." Sounds cute and fluffy, right? WRONG! Apparently a "wintery mix" is code for "you're fucked! enjoy your commutes assholes!" Have you ever had that marshmallow fluff shit they sell in jars at the grocery store? Imagine if a giant tanker of that spilled out on the road and no one cleaned it up... Yeah, it's like driving through that..

And of course, as usual, work sucks my balls... Not in the cool way that will eventually make me spurt, but in the uncomfortable way that makes my balls and shaft regress into my body, making me look not unlike a chick or a post-op tranny.. Like in HS, if you ever got a beej from a chick with braces.. Dangerous games.. Or the one time I actually did zip up my cock a little in my jeans zipper... It wasn't at all like "There's Something About Mary" where one nut was hanging out on top of a little fleshy section of dong.. But let me tell you, it fucking hurt like hell.. I think I just grazed it too, cuz there was no broken skin or bleeding or anything like that, but my god I can't imagine the pain if it were any worse.. It's weird how funny that scene was in the movie, yet how tragically unfunny it is when it actually happened to me... But I bet a few of you got a laugh out of it... Hmm, it's all about perspective..

strange folk

Man, I was just thinking about the days when I was in restaurants and really living the dream. There's always a plethora of interesting characters that you get to interact with on a nightly basis.

This one time, as we were about to close up for the night, these two older ladies came in and wanted a quick bite to eat. When I say older, I mean like mid-30's, which at the time I would've considered older since I was only 18 or 19 when this happened. Really not the point.. Anyway, they're pretty hot for older chicks, probably both married but whatever, so I tell them we can make some tacos or some bullshit like that, but the full menu wouldn't be available. Now, this was in Naperville, so I was expecting them to play the typical Naperville-mom role and bitch up a storm.. Oh no, they were quite grateful, so I showed them to their seats and got some tacos going for them.. So they're sitting there eating their tacos, and I'm doing my side work (for those of you NOT familiar with the trials and tribulations of restaurant closing duties, that basically means you get to sit there and roll silverware into napkins, marry ketchups [fill one bottle with the remains of a different bottle], clean up your stations and blow the cook... What?? You're not supposed to blow the cook? Son of a bitch.. Fucking Mexicans..).. Anyway, so I'm sitting at one of the tables by these chicks, working on my silverware and marrying ketchups in my most seductive manner possible (there's nothing seductive about that process; it's akin to two gay guys "docking" minus the sleeve... check urbandictionary.com if you don't know what docking is), when one of them asks me to be a mediator in a discussion they were having.. Long story short, they asked me if it was ok for women to have boy toys, much in the same way men act as sugardaddies to what basically amounts to whores.. Seriously, if you are fucking a dude for his money, you are a whore (same goes for you guys that are with older chicks for money). I don't care how you slice it, you are both consenting to what amounts to prostitution and you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Damn, I digress again.. There's really not an awesome ending to this story unfortunately... I think the only way this story could end on an awesome note is if I banged both of those chicks in a wild drunken three-way.. Didn't happen.. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps things would've been different.. Maybe not, who knows..

I was working at this bar in Naperville one time (different place from the clever little anecdote you just enjoyed) and this patron asked me to sell him weed.. Hahaha I was like dude, are you fucking kidding? Even if I smoked weed, I wouldn't sell some random bar douche (who was alone, mind you) some drugs.. I wonder if he was undercover.. Come to think of it, that would make sense.. Hmm, I may have made a really good decision that night.. Cuz god knows if I was stupid, I could've gotten him some shit.. Spoiler alert: almost everyone that works in restaurants and/or bars gets high or drunk on a regular basis.. Like every night.. At work, after work, days off, whatever... Restaurant workers are quite fond of inebriation of any variety. It's rarely a stressful job, maybe a few hours a night on Friday/Saturday dinner shifts, but fuck, it's VERY conducive to wanting to get fucked up.. Maybe being surrounded by booze and drunks all day and night... We used to get these weekend-warrior-types that would come in on Sunday mornings and get completely annihilated on bloody marys from like 10am until 5pm.. It was like their day job on Sundays.. And let me tell you, they were certainly good at it..

I was the middle man of a fight there one time.. This guy in my section asked me to send some other dude a Shirley Temple (7up or sprite and grenadine, which is a cherry syrup.. basically makes Cherry 7up... grenadine and coke = dank cherry coke... you get the idea). I should've figured he was being a dick... He's one of those guys that, nowadays, you'd see wearing an Affliction shirt, looking like a fucking douche at the bar.. Yeah, I said it.. Affliction shirts are fucking stupid and they should all be gathered into a pile and burned, along with anyone that buys them.. Burn you douches, burn!!! But anyway, I figure this other dude is someone he knows and he's just messing with him, so I bring it out.. Turns out, they don't know each other, and the recipient proceeds to beat the shit out of my customer.. I felt bad at the time, but looking back I'm pretty sure he deserved it.. Moral of the story, don't insult someone you don't know at a bar unless you are ready to fight him.. Or her, if you're either a dude that likes to beat up chicks or a chick that likes to beat up chicks.. Mmmm.... Chick on chick action... hahahaha