A couple weeks ago, swine flu was the talk of the town, so to speak. The head of the WHO (no, not the guy that got busted for kiddie porn) declared two weeks ago that it was an imminent threat of becoming a pandemic. Yesterday, she backtracked and claimed "swine flu would need to become a 'global phenomenon' before it could be declared a pandemic." So far, only about 5 countries have reported cases of swine flu. 87 total deaths. 9800 cases. Boo freaking hoo.. You want a plague? You want a REAL pandemic? Check out these bad boys that, combined, have killed an estimated 100 million people. That's 1/3 of the current US population, or almost all of Mexico.. Groovy, eh?
A PLAGE UPON THEE!!
In other news, I have to poop, so there you have it. Later kids
Friday, May 22, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
am i picking on asians today? you betcha!
All I am going to say is... what... the... fuck... Asians are weird.. This weekend, I was driving through Little Korea in the city and I drove by a shop called "Seoul Video Fishing." I really considered stopping in to see what the hell that was about, but I was in a bit of a hurry so I didn't. It's over on Lawrence Ave though, so I suppose some day I'll have to give myself extra time to check it out. I'm imagining one of several possibilities:
1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.
Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:
1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.
Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:
Friday, May 8, 2009
matthew mcconaughey is just awful
Good Monday to you all. If you're reading this, you are one of two people: either you're at work and slacking off, or you're at home and slacking off. Either way, you're my favorite type of person: a slacker! So slack on, slacker, and enjoy.
So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.
Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.
Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.
McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.
Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..
Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.
Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:
I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.
And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!
So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.
Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.
Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.
McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.
Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..
Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.
Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:
I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.
And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
science jokes are fun
Really, most science jokes are not fun. I had a teacher in grade school that used to make stupid puns about science stuff in a futile attempt to keep the class's attention. I wish I could remember them, but I think my brain has blocked out the memories.. I guess the closest equivalent would be if a math teacher said, "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!" Get it? Seven Ate Nine? Seven EIGHT Nine... Yeah, it doesn't translate well in written form, but oh well you get the idea..
Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:
It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:
Britney Spears is on the Rag!
EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos
What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!
And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..
Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?
Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.
But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!
Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:
It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:
Britney Spears is on the Rag!
EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos
What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!
And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..
Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?
Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.
But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
ahhh, clever euphemisms
From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this gem about always knowing EXACTLY what you're getting into...
Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..
Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww
Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..
Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
fuck comcast
So I finally am rid of the evil empire known as Comcast. I really hate those fucking people. They've been such a monopoly for so long that they still have that "if you don't like it, go fuck yourself" attitude. The good news is that's no longer the case. Most of us have options now. WoW, RCN, AT&T and satellite (DirecTV and the like) are all making waves and offering some serious competition to Comcast. Personally, I switched to AT&T, which despite issues with getting the installation done, has been working out great. Besides, they are giving me a ton of credit for their fuck ups on the installation, so I'm happy.
The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.
So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.
Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...
So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"
At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...
Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.
The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.
So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.
Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...
So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"
At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...
Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
sticking with it
Since I have absolutely nothing original to say today (ie I'm incapable of pulling a blog out of my ass like my man BK is perfectly capable of doing on a nearly daily basis), I'm bringing you a collection of internet tidbits I've seen over the last few days. Enjoy:
Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts
Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:
1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?
2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.
But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!
I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes
Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.
Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn
The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.
Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs
I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.
Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.
Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!
I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.
Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts
Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:
1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?
2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.
But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!
I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes
Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.
Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn
The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.
Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs
I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.
Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.
Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!
I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.
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