FFS!

Hello there, dregs of society! It's been more than three years since my last post, so apparently I'm a filthy fucking liar after having promised to try to be more consistent in my posts. I've had nothing good to say for several years, it seems, but I've recently developed this "i love what i love, and everything else can go fuck itself" attitude that seems, at least on the surface, particularly inspiring. So, without further ado..

I finally saw the movie Ted last night, which I was thoroughly disappointed in through no fault of the film maker's. It was my own fault for expecting anything more than a two-hour, live action episode of Family Guy, which is exactly what it is. Some pretty fucking hilarious scenes, such as...

..and some scenes that should've been dramatically shortened or cut altogether. I'm no filmmaker, and kudos to the ladies and gentlemen out there in Hollywoodland for making our dreams a quasi-reality, but I'll be god damned if there isn't a plethora of shitty TV and movies out there. Not to say Ted was shitty, but I wanted so much more. Mila Kunis was hot, but a fucking bitch, so that kinda ruined things for me, too. Marky Mark was his typical Bostonian pussy character, so not much going on there. And Ted (voiced by Seth McFarlane) sounded like.... wait for it... pretty much every fucking character in Family Guy. They even had the dude who voices Joe in it, but he wasn't in a wheelchair, so it was hard to recognize him.

Any who, Christmas is right around the corner. While I'm more in the spirit of the holidays than I have been in years past (ie I don't loathe Christmas music as much, I'm actually enjoying the lights and decorations everyone has swathed their homes and offices in, etc. etc.), I still think the whole thing is a fucking sham. People spend minutes/days/hours/months trying to find that perfect gifts for the people on their lists, wracking their brains and causing really dumb amounts of undue stress on themselves. I get the whole "if you really knew me, you wouldn't have to think about it so much" mentality, but that mentality has the effect of making the decision process that much more stressful. Personally, I'd prefer everyone to just keep their money, by themselves something sweet, and send me a thank you card for not having to buy me something. I, in turn, will do the same thing, and buy myself some beers and maybe that sweet glass dragon pipe at the Deli Llama, and say, "thank you, one and all!" See? Much simpler and everyone gets exactly what they want/need. No one ends up with dumb pink rabbit pajamas.

Though, in fairness, they look pretty damn warm. Ungrateful little shit.

Later fuck faces.

back with a small poof of smoke

I would say this is going to be back with a vengeance, but I hate promising things that I know will likely not happen. However, after a fucking awesome Lawrence Arms show on Saturday night (thanks for the ticket random nameless donor!!), I feel inspired to be a sociopath on this blog again.

Let me start by saying that the Larry Arms show was, as previously mentioned, a serious orgy of awesome drunkenness. I use orgy metaphorically, as I was not a participant in an actual orgy, though after that show, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that there was some shenanigans going on at the after party. According to BK's blog (no, not the creepy Burger King, but the awesome Brendan Kelly), some chick got her ass signed.. Some dude got a hand job.. Kudos all around! Eric, next time one of your friends is getting married on the day of a show, you need to punch him/her square in the nuts/vagina. Just sayin' dude.. But even without my usual partner in crime, I managed to get plenty wasted and enjoy a great show. Mike Park was weird.. Not what I expected.. All I remember is a song about the awesomeness of apples and the plethora of uses for said fruit.. But hey, to each their own.. La Plebe was some Latino ska band from Oakland I believe.. Kinda crazy to hear some thrashing ska in Spanish.. But cool all the same.. I'll have to check out their album(s).. And The Menzingers were a decent band from Philly (fuck yeah East Coast!).. I don't remember particularly liking or disliking them, not through any real fault of their own, but because at that point I was drooling for Larry Arms to take the stage.. Also for the beers..

What a strange morning.. I'm losing like 10 minutes at a time here and there.. I look at the clock, it's 8:00... What seems like a minute later, it's 8:12 already.. Crazy.. My mind must be on lock down..

hello kiddo

Hey everybody, it's been a long time.. I remember at some point I promised daily blogs, and I did that for about 2 months solid, which for me is a real accomplishment. Then, as all things inevitably go in my life, I just quit. Sure, I may have posted a few here and there in the passing months, but I haven't done back-to-back blogs since April 7-8.. Frankly, I was surprised it was that recent.. But whatever, I've been busy, my job is kicking the shit out of me, my dog has been pissing in my apartment, i've been getting drunker than a sailor in Thailand, I got in a car accident and totaled my Impala, etc. etc. So here we go, I'm back, at least for today; don't be surprised if it takes me another month to do this again..

This Governor Sanford thing really had me chuckling this morning while I was getting ready and watching the news. I don't know why I've been watching the news so much recently; frankly it's quite demoralizing and only serves to augment my cynicism toward the world. But gems like yesterday's news conference in which this guy tearfully confessed to having an affair sometimes make it all worthwhile. If you don't know the story, this guy disappeared for 6 days, allegedly hiking in the Appalachians. Turns out he flew to Argentina to bang some chick. Now, I'm no politician, but I'm pretty sure if you're some high ranking government official (like a governor, senator, representative, etc.) you're supposed to just bang some young intern at your office and fire her.. Again, I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm quite sure that's how it usually goes. And you know what? They usually get away with it. You start flying out of the country and leaving your state car at an airport in Atlanta, people are going to start asking questions. So let this be a lesson to all of you government officials: stay close to home, hire some young intern, bang her in a seedy motel, and fire her. Which reminds me, I recently heard that senators are exempt from sexual harassment suits, meaning that they can do all the boob-honking and ass-spanking they want without fear of legal retaliation. I wish my high school guidance counselor told me that when I was trying to figure out my career.. Totally would've gone in a different direction. If I ever have a son, I'll be sure to point him towards politics. Nothing like living vicariously through your offspring.

A friend of mine recently told me that they didn't get a job because his would-be employer checked his Facebook and/or MySpace and found a picture of him drinking beer or hugging some chick or some other morally questionable act. I think that's bullshit. I'm sorry, but partying and having a good time isn't a bad thing. I'm failing to see what his partying has to do with his potential employment. It's not like he's a public figure. He's not going into politics, or the priesthood (tongue-in-cheek.. wait, is that a tongue? oh god!), or some other arena where your moral integrity is under scrutiny. He's not Michael Phelps. He wasn't doing lines of coke off a prostitute's ass. The fucking guy wanted an office job, the same as the rest of us working stiffs and, according to his Facebook pictures, he also likes to unwind on the weekend. Fucking devil! Which brings me full circle to my point: me.. I wonder if I'm ever going to be turned down from a job because of this blog. I don't make an effort to hide it. In fact I make a quasi-conscious effort to have people read it. It's mostly for my own bemusement, because I like to say fucked up stuff but I don't always have the wherewithal to spit it out in person. Or sometimes my conscience doesn't allow me to say it because tender ears are present. But really the things I say on here are for entertainment only. Perhaps I should include a fine print disclaimer on all of my blogs so people understand I'm just fucking joking. Lighten up, people, learn to laugh at life. I'm not actually going to suggest my future son become a senator so he can harass young interns.. Actually, scratch that one, I will probably do that..

Ok if you couldn't tell, I'm running on fumes here. I don't know what my deal is, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's starting to catch up to me. I feel sluggish, mentally and physically.. But I'll try to get back to blogging more frequently. Mostly for my own sanity and need to get some things out, but also for your amusement. I think this is amusing.. Sometimes anyway..

Later..

Swine Flu?? Please...

A couple weeks ago, swine flu was the talk of the town, so to speak. The head of the WHO (no, not the guy that got busted for kiddie porn) declared two weeks ago that it was an imminent threat of becoming a pandemic. Yesterday, she backtracked and claimed "swine flu would need to become a 'global phenomenon' before it could be declared a pandemic." So far, only about 5 countries have reported cases of swine flu. 87 total deaths. 9800 cases. Boo freaking hoo.. You want a plague? You want a REAL pandemic? Check out these bad boys that, combined, have killed an estimated 100 million people. That's 1/3 of the current US population, or almost all of Mexico.. Groovy, eh?

A PLAGE UPON THEE!!

In other news, I have to poop, so there you have it. Later kids

am i picking on asians today? you betcha!

All I am going to say is... what... the... fuck... Asians are weird.. This weekend, I was driving through Little Korea in the city and I drove by a shop called "Seoul Video Fishing." I really considered stopping in to see what the hell that was about, but I was in a bit of a hurry so I didn't. It's over on Lawrence Ave though, so I suppose some day I'll have to give myself extra time to check it out. I'm imagining one of several possibilities:

1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.

Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:

matthew mcconaughey is just awful

Good Monday to you all. If you're reading this, you are one of two people: either you're at work and slacking off, or you're at home and slacking off. Either way, you're my favorite type of person: a slacker! So slack on, slacker, and enjoy.

So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.

Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.

Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.

McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.

Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..

Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.

Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:

I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.

And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!

science jokes are fun

Really, most science jokes are not fun. I had a teacher in grade school that used to make stupid puns about science stuff in a futile attempt to keep the class's attention. I wish I could remember them, but I think my brain has blocked out the memories.. I guess the closest equivalent would be if a math teacher said, "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!" Get it? Seven Ate Nine? Seven EIGHT Nine... Yeah, it doesn't translate well in written form, but oh well you get the idea..

Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:




It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:

Britney Spears is on the Rag!

EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos

What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!

And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..


Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?


Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.

But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!