Someone Really Needs to Explain This to Me

back with a small poof of smoke

2009-10-26T06:24:00.001-07:00

I would say this is going to be back with a vengeance, but I hate promising things that I know will likely not happen. However, after a fucking awesome Lawrence Arms show on Saturday night (thanks for the ticket random nameless donor!!), I feel inspired to be a sociopath on this blog again.

Let me start by saying that the Larry Arms show was, as previously mentioned, a serious orgy of awesome drunkenness. I use orgy metaphorically, as I was not a participant in an actual orgy, though after that show, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that there was some shenanigans going on at the after party. According to BK's blog (no, not the creepy Burger King, but the awesome Brendan Kelly), some chick got her ass signed.. Some dude got a hand job.. Kudos all around! Eric, next time one of your friends is getting married on the day of a show, you need to punch him/her square in the nuts/vagina. Just sayin' dude.. But even without my usual partner in crime, I managed to get plenty wasted and enjoy a great show. Mike Park was weird.. Not what I expected.. All I remember is a song about the awesomeness of apples and the plethora of uses for said fruit.. But hey, to each their own.. La Plebe was some Latino ska band from Oakland I believe.. Kinda crazy to hear some thrashing ska in Spanish.. But cool all the same.. I'll have to check out their album(s).. And The Menzingers were a decent band from Philly (fuck yeah East Coast!).. I don't remember particularly liking or disliking them, not through any real fault of their own, but because at that point I was drooling for Larry Arms to take the stage.. Also for the beers..

What a strange morning.. I'm losing like 10 minutes at a time here and there.. I look at the clock, it's 8:00... What seems like a minute later, it's 8:12 already.. Crazy.. My mind must be on lock down..

hello kiddo

2009-06-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, it's been a long time.. I remember at some point I promised daily blogs, and I did that for about 2 months solid, which for me is a real accomplishment. Then, as all things inevitably go in my life, I just quit. Sure, I may have posted a few here and there in the passing months, but I haven't done back-to-back blogs since April 7-8.. Frankly, I was surprised it was that recent.. But whatever, I've been busy, my job is kicking the shit out of me, my dog has been pissing in my apartment, i've been getting drunker than a sailor in Thailand, I got in a car accident and totaled my Impala, etc. etc. So here we go, I'm back, at least for today; don't be surprised if it takes me another month to do this again..

This Governor Sanford thing really had me chuckling this morning while I was getting ready and watching the news. I don't know why I've been watching the news so much recently; frankly it's quite demoralizing and only serves to augment my cynicism toward the world. But gems like yesterday's news conference in which this guy tearfully confessed to having an affair sometimes make it all worthwhile. If you don't know the story, this guy disappeared for 6 days, allegedly hiking in the Appalachians. Turns out he flew to Argentina to bang some chick. Now, I'm no politician, but I'm pretty sure if you're some high ranking government official (like a governor, senator, representative, etc.) you're supposed to just bang some young intern at your office and fire her.. Again, I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm quite sure that's how it usually goes. And you know what? They usually get away with it. You start flying out of the country and leaving your state car at an airport in Atlanta, people are going to start asking questions. So let this be a lesson to all of you government officials: stay close to home, hire some young intern, bang her in a seedy motel, and fire her. Which reminds me, I recently heard that senators are exempt from sexual harassment suits, meaning that they can do all the boob-honking and ass-spanking they want without fear of legal retaliation. I wish my high school guidance counselor told me that when I was trying to figure out my career.. Totally would've gone in a different direction. If I ever have a son, I'll be sure to point him towards politics. Nothing like living vicariously through your offspring.

A friend of mine recently told me that they didn't get a job because his would-be employer checked his Facebook and/or MySpace and found a picture of him drinking beer or hugging some chick or some other morally questionable act. I think that's bullshit. I'm sorry, but partying and having a good time isn't a bad thing. I'm failing to see what his partying has to do with his potential employment. It's not like he's a public figure. He's not going into politics, or the priesthood (tongue-in-cheek.. wait, is that a tongue? oh god!), or some other arena where your moral integrity is under scrutiny. He's not Michael Phelps. He wasn't doing lines of coke off a prostitute's ass. The fucking guy wanted an office job, the same as the rest of us working stiffs and, according to his Facebook pictures, he also likes to unwind on the weekend. Fucking devil! Which brings me full circle to my point: me.. I wonder if I'm ever going to be turned down from a job because of this blog. I don't make an effort to hide it. In fact I make a quasi-conscious effort to have people read it. It's mostly for my own bemusement, because I like to say fucked up stuff but I don't always have the wherewithal to spit it out in person. Or sometimes my conscience doesn't allow me to say it because tender ears are present. But really the things I say on here are for entertainment only. Perhaps I should include a fine print disclaimer on all of my blogs so people understand I'm just fucking joking. Lighten up, people, learn to laugh at life. I'm not actually going to suggest my future son become a senator so he can harass young interns.. Actually, scratch that one, I will probably do that..

Ok if you couldn't tell, I'm running on fumes here. I don't know what my deal is, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's starting to catch up to me. I feel sluggish, mentally and physically.. But I'll try to get back to blogging more frequently. Mostly for my own sanity and need to get some things out, but also for your amusement. I think this is amusing.. Sometimes anyway..

Later..

Swine Flu?? Please...

2009-05-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, swine flu was the talk of the town, so to speak. The head of the WHO (no, not the guy that got busted for kiddie porn) declared two weeks ago that it was an imminent threat of becoming a pandemic. Yesterday, she backtracked and claimed "swine flu would need to become a 'global phenomenon' before it could be declared a pandemic." So far, only about 5 countries have reported cases of swine flu. 87 total deaths. 9800 cases. Boo freaking hoo.. You want a plague? You want a REAL pandemic? Check out these bad boys that, combined, have killed an estimated 100 million people. That's 1/3 of the current US population, or almost all of Mexico.. Groovy, eh?

A PLAGE UPON THEE!!

In other news, I have to poop, so there you have it. Later kids

am i picking on asians today? you betcha!

2009-05-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

All I am going to say is... what... the... fuck... Asians are weird.. This weekend, I was driving through Little Korea in the city and I drove by a shop called "Seoul Video Fishing." I really considered stopping in to see what the hell that was about, but I was in a bit of a hurry so I didn't. It's over on Lawrence Ave though, so I suppose some day I'll have to give myself extra time to check it out. I'm imagining one of several possibilities:

1) It's a blockbuster/bait shop
2) It's filled with videos of the Korean version of Roland Martin
3) It has absolutely nothing to do with Seoul, videos, or fishing, and instead is a front for human trafficking.. you never know... Ever see Big Trouble in Little China? Yeah, that's right.. Better watch yourself.

Here's more evidence of the oddness of Asians:

matthew mcconaughey is just awful

2009-05-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

Good Monday to you all. If you're reading this, you are one of two people: either you're at work and slacking off, or you're at home and slacking off. Either way, you're my favorite type of person: a slacker! So slack on, slacker, and enjoy.

So it was Mother's Day yesterday. I hope you all took your moms out on hot dates and showed them a *cough* good time.. I was going to take my mom to a strip club (with naked chicks, not dudes) but she wasn't really on board with that idea, so we ended up with dinner and a movie. Dinner was fine.. I drank a bunch of beers and she had some wine. And drinking makes most things better, so we had fun. What does Homer say? "Drinking is the cause and solution to many of life's problems." Indeed. But then we went to a movie.

Now, a little backstory. My dad went with us, and he and I wanted to see Star Trek. He's a bigger fan than me, but as I commented in a previous blog, I enjoy the franchise well enough and, frankly, I wanted to see the new movie. I also always enjoy origin movies, though the new X-Men left something to be desired. More on that later. But my mom, who's not a huge Star Trek fan, wasn't too enthused with that idea and instead suggested we see the new Matthew McConaughey abortion Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yeah, I know, I cringed too when she said it. But, in the spirit of Mother's Day, and the fact that my mom had to pass my giant cranium back in 1980, I decided we'd go see her movie instead.

Let me just tell you it's worse than you could possibly imagine. The basic premise is that this super douche (played, ironic as it may seem, by Matthew McConaughey) missed his one chance at true love and has since been a mega player, banging all sorts of chicks and then leaving them. He's basically got Hugh Hefner's track record and Ben Affleck's doucheness.. Yeah, exactly.. How could any chick be into Ben Affleck.. I know.. Coincidentally, Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Garner, who plays McConaughey's lost love in this movie.. Maybe Garner is into super douches. Anyway, I digress... So on the eve of his brother's wedding, which, of course, he's completely against, McConaughey is visited by 3 ghosts that take him through the past, present and future of his dating decisions. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol, only with a not so clever girlfriend twist.

McConaughey reprises the same role he's been playing for years: a clueless womanizing douche that somehow ends up with his shirt off at some point in the movie, a staple in his movies much like John Travolta doing a dance sequence. It's fucking painful. The only laughs I got out of it was when I kept thinking about that scene in Family Guy where Stewie talks to McConaughey and tells him how completely atrocious he is. The only movie I could ever stomach with McConaughey is Dazed and Confused, and I think you could all get on board with that.

Ok, I think I've made my point on Matthew McDouche.. He sucks, the movie sucks, and he needs to quit his acting career. Can you call it acting? Nah.. Stick to smoking joints and playing bongos naked on the beach. Some chicks still think you're hot, so just enjoy it while you can, man..

Moving on to more interesting topics, BK finally gave me something to enjoy in his blog.. Check out Guess Her Muff, a blog dedicated to a guessing game in which you, the reader, look at a fully clothed woman, take a guess at how her muff is trimmed, and then get to see if you're correct. It's actually a lot of fun, though you do end up seeing some pretty rotten looking shit. I imagine it's what being a gynecologist is like.. You know they've GOT to be playing this game in their heads before they dive in, if you'll pardon the expression.

Another fun website I've found is FunnyExam.com. Now, granted, a bunch of these are probably fakes, but damn it some are pretty fucking hilarious. Take this one, a lesson in foreign relations:

I dunno why, but I find that incredibly entertaining. Peruse the rest of the site, there's some real gems on there.

And finally, something I've been meaning to post for a looong time, but in honor of Mother's Day, here's a story of the greatest mom ever:
Loves her son a little TOO much
Happy (post) Mother's Day everyone!

science jokes are fun

2009-04-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Really, most science jokes are not fun. I had a teacher in grade school that used to make stupid puns about science stuff in a futile attempt to keep the class's attention. I wish I could remember them, but I think my brain has blocked out the memories.. I guess the closest equivalent would be if a math teacher said, "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!" Get it? Seven Ate Nine? Seven EIGHT Nine... Yeah, it doesn't translate well in written form, but oh well you get the idea..

Anyway, from one of my favorite webcomics XKCD comes this great one:

It's old, I've seen it at least a dozen times, and yet it's still one of my single favorite strips of all time. Fucking thing makes me laugh every time. Way more than gayfish Kanye West fucking that fish at the end of South Park. Which honestly wasn't as funny as everyone makes it out to be. My boy over at Blog of Hilarity was quite smitten with that episode, even going so far as to say it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen... But I beg to differ.. A few exhibits:

Britney Spears is on the Rag!

EMBED-Britney Spears' Wardrobe Malfunction - Watch more free videos

What's that old saying? You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the tampons out of trailer trash? I'm pretty sure it's something like that.. It's funny that at one point, she was a huge sex symbol.. I mean every straight chicks wanted to scissor Britney Spears.. But now, well, the fucking girl has a tampon string hanging out of her crusty panties.. Nothing says "hit me baby one more time" like a tantalizing tampon string. Man, I really hope she doesn't have cats.. That could be a disaster!

And about the crusty panties.. Well, I can only assume, at this point, that girl has nothing but crusty panties to wear.. And on a serious note, who the fuck listens to Britney Spears anymore? I didn't even know she was still in the business! I don't remember the last time I heard about her.. It was either when she flashed her vag when she was getting out of Paris Hilton's car (a sad, sad day for masturbating men everywhere) or when she shaved her head in an apparent pilled-out stupor (not really a sad day, more just fucking hilarious). She should've hung out with Anna Nicole.. I bet they would've made quite the dynamic duo.. Like Batman and Robin.. Before Robin became such a fucking douche... Oh wait, Robin always was a douche.. Ahh well..

Captain Kirk, umm, Throws Down?

Wow.. Let me preface this by saying that I'm a bit of a Star Trek fan. I grew up watching The Next Generation, when that guy with the beard was always trying to bang the telepath, but since she was a FUCKING TELEPATH, he could never get with her.. And the movies, well, for the most part the movies were pretty sweet.. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, I don't go to the conventions and I never learned to speak Klingon.. But, I can appreciate it for the pop culture institution it is and, frankly, I can enjoy it, even if only on a very superficial level.

But fuck, were they serious when they filmed this scene? Were they serious when they edited it? Were they serious when they actually televised it? I mean how many people had to see this scene and say, "yeah, that looks good!" I cringe to think the director of that episode may have said "that's a wrap!" Isn't there some sort of checks-and-balances system in Hollywood that prevents such obscenely mediocre crap from being shown to the populous? Especially for an institution like Star Trek? I mean, this isn't some late night cable access show; it's fucking Star Trek, man!

ahhh, clever euphemisms

2009-04-21T06:10:00.001-07:00

From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this gem about always knowing EXACTLY what you're getting into...

Let this be a lesson to everyone... Just because something SOUNDS awesome, like ultimate sex, doesn't necessarily make it so.. It may just be a matter of perspective; guys love fellatio, so perhaps that could be considered ultimate sex.. Though I find it hard to believe that anyone prefers the mouth to the vagina.. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of getting fellated (hmm, turns out there's no verb form of fellatio... well fuck it, i just invented it) but nothing compares to good old intercourse..

Come to think of it, the lady in this comic should just be really happy he only meant fellatio; it could've been much worse.. Thanks to the internet and free porn, we all know her situation could've been much worse.. Ultimate Sex could've involved urination, defecation, bestiality, cattle prods, vomit, an orgy of midgets or having sex to "The Bodyguard" soundtrack... Ewwwwww

fuck comcast

2009-04-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

So I finally am rid of the evil empire known as Comcast. I really hate those fucking people. They've been such a monopoly for so long that they still have that "if you don't like it, go fuck yourself" attitude. The good news is that's no longer the case. Most of us have options now. WoW, RCN, AT&T and satellite (DirecTV and the like) are all making waves and offering some serious competition to Comcast. Personally, I switched to AT&T, which despite issues with getting the installation done, has been working out great. Besides, they are giving me a ton of credit for their fuck ups on the installation, so I'm happy.

The funny part is that one day after I canceled my Comcast service (cable and internet) and dropped the boxes off at the service center (another funny story, but not one for this forum), I got a call from one of their retention agents. For those who don't know, a retention agent is someone that calls you to try to keep you as a customer (or RETAIN you as a customer, if you will). So this lady is telling me what a valued customer I am and on and on.. She even offers me their most basic cable package for 39.99 a month (which is a fucking rip off, big surprise right?). So what do I do? I do the gentlemanly thing and lay into this bitch. If I was such a valued customer, why was my cable and internet fucked up for more than a month with no credit to my account or decent attempt at resolving the issue? Why, after I've already canceled and turned in my modem and cable box, are you calling me trying to keep me as a customer? I'll tell you why... Because now that it's canceled, you can't suck me dry with your overpriced, sub-par bullshit services. Congratulations, Comcast... You win the award for worst fucking customer service I've ever dealt with.

So, if any of you have had similar experiences to me, I highly recommend switching to any other provider possible. I used to have WoW and now have AT&T (WoW wasn't offered at my current address), and I highly recommend either one. Despite AT&T's shortcomings in the appointment department, their customer service was excellent. Wow was just great all around.

Sigh... Ok, enough about Comcast and their apex of shittiness. Moving right along...

So yesterday I'm driving out to the city, cruising down the Elgin-O'Hare and I'm coming up to the stop light where it turns into Thorndale. I'm in my lane, and out of nowhere this fucking bitch on her cell phone nearly side swipes me and runs me off the road. Naturally, not wanting to fucking die, I honk my horn to alert her to my presence.. She swerves back into her lane, and I continue to the red light and stop. This bitch pulls up next to me, rolls down her window, and says "You got something to say to me?"

At this point I'm mildly flabbergasted, but I also have a truckload of things to say to her.. I roll my window down and say, "Yeah, can you pay attention and not run me off the road?" This bitch actually has the balls to repeat that same question in a mocking tone.. I'm like "listen, I was in my fucking lane and you almost ran me off the road." She then tells me that's what insurance is for... I'm so irate at this point my blood starts to boil... I decide to roll up my window a bit and smoke a cigarette rather than continue the conversation... Part of me, the raging lunatic part of me, wishes I had just gone off on this lady and said some horrific things about stabbing her in the face. It kinda reminded me of that feeling I had at John Barleycorn's with the asshole bouncer. Fuck him and this lady... Jesus christ I hate the general public sooo much...

Which really says a lot about all the people I consider friends. I'm not suggesting you should feel honored in any way that I hold you all in such; I'm certainly not THAT arrogant. But considering I hate about 99% of the people I've encountered in my life, I think that says a lot for how awesome you all are. So keep up your awesomeness everyone. I love you guys. You're the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

sticking with it

2009-04-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Since I have absolutely nothing original to say today (ie I'm incapable of pulling a blog out of my ass like my man BK is perfectly capable of doing on a nearly daily basis), I'm bringing you a collection of internet tidbits I've seen over the last few days. Enjoy:

Why People Need to Open a History Book
Protestor Doesn't Have All the Facts

Right... Umm, 1936 ring a bell? You know, I'm all for people being political activists, but for fuck's sake know what you're talking about. The 1936 Olympics were actually kinda a big deal because THEY WERE HOSTED IN NAZI GERMANY.. A couple interesting things took place:

1) Jesse Owens, an African-American track and field competitor who couldn't piss in the same bathroom as white people in America, got a standing ovation from Adolf Hitler, the same man who was annihilating Jews, Gypsies, and a number of others in Eastern Europe. Our own president, FDR, didn't even recognize Owens' accomplishments. Weird, huh?

2) America nearly boycotted the Olympics for fear of appearing to support the Nazi movement. After some debate, it was decided that the Jewish athletes were being treated fairly enough. One guy even suggested that sports and politics shouldn't be intermingled. Silly, naive man.. It wasn't until the Munich games in 1972 that the Jews had a rough time at the Games, when a militant group known as Black September massacred members of the Israeli team. I don't know how accurate it is, but the movie is fucking great.

But I digress.. If you're going to protest, if you're going to be an active participant in political issues, if you're going to open your fucking mouth and say anything whatsoever, please please please know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanks!

I Really Hope This Becomes a Phenomenon
Kid Needs to Watch Superbad, Take Notes

Every guy out there has had the awkward boner moment; some hide it better than others. Jonah Hill pointed out that the best thing to do is to tuck it up under your belt because it hides the boner AND feels good. However, I take exception with him acting like he invented this maneuver.. I've been hiding boners under my belt ever since I knew cruising around in public with a boner was unacceptable. I also know people who've taken the complete opposite approach and just whip their boners out on people, usually with excellent results (ie he didn't get maced or arrested). So, you know, different strokes for different folks. Pun intended.

Apparently Muslims DON'T Treat Women Well... Who Knew..
From my friend over at Blog of Hilarity comes this gem:
Not A Great Way To Handle A Kid Finding Your Porn

The BoH guy does fail to point out a very obvious odd circumstance of this story: a Muslim guy has porn... Don't they cut out their eyes or castrate them for looking at porn? These are the same people that cut off hands for stealing bread. Surely porn ownership is taboo in their culture as well, especially considering they keep their women covered up from head to toe. Speaking of which, I've run into this Muslim lady at my local grocer that freaked me out really bad the first time I saw her. She kinda looked like this. Now keep in mind I was probably hung over and/or drunk at the time I saw her, but it startled me a bit. Perhaps that's the post 9/11 world we live in. And I promise to never again mention 9/11 in my blogs. Eric doesn't like politics. He'll make me eat his cobra.

Cyanide and Happiness Is Funny Again
A Tip for Insomniacs

I wonder how far you would get counting sheep and taking shots. In theory, you're supposed to count one sheep every few seconds so, in a minute, you'd end up taking about 20 shots. Now, even though my tolerance has become something of legend (if only to myself), I really think this would mangle me.. Shit, I think this would mangle even the most seasoned lush. This would make 99.999% of the population hurl faster than Eric drinking Jameson (ba-zing!). Unless you were taking these shots with pretzels and fried dough, you're going to be in for a rough night.

Oh, and about the title of this section.. Is it just me, or has Cyanide and Happiness lost something lately? It just doesn't have that same edge it used to. Another comic, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, has really gotten my attention now. And, of course, XKCD, which is really my first choice in internet comics.

Police Get Their Comeuppance
Riots at a Soccer Match?? Stop the Press!!

I'm sorry, but I had no idea that soccer (excuse me, FUTBOL) fans where a riotous bunch. But it's nice to see that they can stick up for each other when the cops are getting a little out of control. It's also nice to see that there are crazier fans out there than White Sox fans. Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, not every Sox fan is a complete retard, but ever since the 2005 Series win, it seems like everyone and their mother are fucking Sox fans. Listen, guys... You hadn't won a Series since 1917, you hadn't been to a World Series since 1959, and you've won one playoff game since then.. So get off your fucking soap boxes and have a little slice of humble pie. What sucks is back in 2005, I was actually excited that a Chicago team one a championship, even if I am a Cubs fan. But the tirade of bullshit from supposed Sox fans since then has tainted my entire opinion of that storied season and makes me want to punch kittens in the face. Or masturbate so God kills one. I'm open for either here.

april fools

2009-04-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

A few people I know decided to play April Fool's jokes on the general populous, and I even got some backlash for not doing my own prank.. I'll get back to that in a minute.. So Tom told everyone he BIC'ed his head, but then retracted it shortly thereafter.. Kudos to getting everyone riled up about it, but no points due to lack of committment. Ya gotta really SELL that shit dude! Tomfoolery indeed..

Lisa on the other hand had me going for a couple days with her fake engagement. 10 points for originality, and 100000000 points for ruining Dan's ego! Hahaha just kidding man, you know I love ya!

As for myself, I haven't been into April Fool's jokes ever since that one time I left a fake message for a friend that the doctor called and told him the tests came back positive. He wore black and cried for one whole year, saving every tear in a jar. What a pansy..

Not much else going on. I got a dog, which anyone who reads this is undoubtedly aware of and probably tired of hearing about. But she kicks ass and she fucked up a neighbor's dog in a friendly puppy fight, so that was cool. She pinned his ass and had her mouth around his throat. If she were really a killer, that dog would be Chinese food by now, but she's really just a pacifist.

I don't get what the big deal is about eating dogs. Like I wouldn't eat my dog, because she's more fun to play with and, frankly, she'll have much more meat on her in a couple years than she does now, but why is everyone so grossed out by this. Is it the "dogs have personality" argument from Pulp Fiction? That can't be it, because there's a ton of animals that don't have personality that I wouldn't eat: cockroaches, pill bugs, and Jews. And there's a ton of animals with personality that I would eat: kittens, puppies and koala bears. I dunno, maybe I'm weird.

Finally, what the fuck is up with The Day After Tomorrow-esque weather today? It's like Frosty the Snowman had the runs and shit all over northern Illinois. It's April for god's sake, get with the warm weather already!! And no, there will be no shitty jokes about global warming not making the earth warmer. But seriously, it shouldn't be called "warming" if it's affecting the whole weather cycle; it should be called Global Weather Cluster Fuck, though I don't know if they can say that on the news. They should be able to, I'm tired of censorship. Tell it like it is: we're all fucked. Like the economy; quit pussy footing around it and just tell us we're all fucked and we just need to ride it out.

Ok I got nothing else for you lassies and lads. Take it easy!

more pet peeves.. oh, and randomness

2009-03-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how one complete idiot of a person can inspire you to announce their existence to the world, but this video from Failblog.com really grinds my gears:

Stupidity Unveiled

What... The... Fuck... How does someone like this get a driver's license? Isn't parking part of the road test? What's worse, there's thousands of drivers like this out on the road every day, making left turns from the right turn lane and other such socially (and legally) unacceptable maneuvers. The best part is when the one dude gets her out of the car and parks it for her in one try.. And she just stands there like, "oh my, parking was just too difficult for me! I couldn't get my tiny ass car in that huge fucking space that's big enough to park a yacht!" This isn't Anal Point, lady.. You've got plenty of room..

And just for good measure, this one cracks me up too:

I Am So Smrt! S-M-R-T!

Yeah, you are such a fucking bad ass dude.. Kudos to you.. How many Mountain Dews do you drink a day? Ever go Extreme Kayaking in a gas station? Oh, wait, I thought you guys were SOOOO extreme that you spelled it "X-Treme"... What's great is this guy is so fucking proud of his dumb shit tattoo.. Oh my god I just want to beat this guy in the face with a 9 iron.. Or any other blunt object.. This is the kind of person that works at John Barleycorn's as a bouncer and is a fucking prick to everyone he sees.. And why? Because he thinks acting tough and being extreme is fucking cool. Ugh.. Everything about this guy pisses me off. He's got his nipple pierced for fuck's sake!! And the star tattoos under his arms? COME ON!! And let's NOT forget those stupid fucking wool hats with the tiny brims.. Can one person's appearance scream "DOUCHE!!" anymore than this guy's? I think not.

And in this gem, another from our friends at Failblog, some little boy is about to have a REALLY bad day with, umm, Superman?? What? I thought Superman was all about justice and peace and all that crap.. Since when did Superman become a scout master?

Superman Gets Saucy

Oh that poor, poor lad.. Could you imagine getting butt raped by the Man of Steel? How incredibly painful.. Unless this kid as a rectum made of kryptonite, I'm pretty sure he's in for a rough night. What a way to turn the tables on evil, butt-raping Superman, though. That would soften him up faster than mental images of a naked Bea Arthur.

what a weekend part 2

2009-03-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Jesus, took me 3 days to get back to this, but I DID make it back, so I'm feeling good about it.. So anyway, where'd I leave off.. Oh yeah, Saturday morning.. Hungover.. Puking up Mountain Dew.. All caught up? Good..

Ok so anyway, I'm mangled for most of Saturday; I woke up around 9am, but didn't actually get out of bed until about 2pm.. Everything about life hurt Saturday morning.. But around 2pm, we had to force ourselves to get up and get moving. Afterall, St. Pat's celebrations weren't going to wait for us!

We headed down to a friend's house in the city and proceeded to play some ridiculous drinking games (read: I drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol considering my condition earlier in the day). We played Circle of Death with male nudey cards which was only slightly uncomfortable until Michele proposed the Pose Rule, in which everyone had to pose like the dude on their cards.. Needless to say, that led to some funny shit.. I'm sure I have pics somewhere... hahaha

After we got good and tanked we headed out for the bar hopping portion of the night.. For reference, it's only about 9pm at this point.. We went to Glascott's on Halsted, which was an awesome place. Great atmosphere, good people, lots of singing and U2 (which I only really like on St Pat's). I finally got my first Irish Car Bomb of the night there, and I was happy.. Several beers and a Red Headed Slut later, we were off to the next stop: John Barleycorn's..

Now, before I tell you about Barleycorn's, let me preface this by saying I was completely intoxicated at the time, so perhaps my demeanor was not as friendly and cheerful as I remember.. But I'm usually a happy drunk, so I doubt I was being the dick.. You be the judge..

Ok so we get to Barleycorn's after a quick detour in Oz Park (I definitely have pics of that excursion, which will tell the story way better than I ever could). Somehow, someway, we lose a few people in the process. I swear they were right behind us when we went in, but again I was intoxicated, so perhaps not. But anyway, we get in there, head to one end of the bar, and set up shop there while we try to figure out where the missing ones are.. I, in my most gentlemanly fashion, decide that beers are needed while we fret over our lost compadres. So I got over to the bar and try to get the bartenders' attention.. Meanwhile, this dude next to me starts chatting me up in what I remember as a very friendly fashion. This jist of the conversation was "man, who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" to which I laughed good-naturedly and turned my attention back to the bartenders. Suddenly, this guy is like "hey man, you need to move over." Well, unfortunately this tiny girl was standing right next to me, so I naturally say, "to where man? I'm gonna knock this girl over!" His retort (and I shit you not): "You have two choices: either be cool or get the fuck out of the bar."

It's at this point I notice this guy has a walkie talkie in his hand and I realize he's actually under the employ of Barleycorn's. So, being the pacifist alcoholic that I am, I respond, "dude, we're cool." Well, he obviously didn't think so because he got up in my face.. Kate came to my rescue and told the guy everything's cool, but apparently that didn't work because I'm pretty sure I heard the guy say "your boyfriend's being a dick." Again, you all know me, you've all seen me drunk.. I don't think I've ever been a dick while I'm drunk, but who knows..

So I remove myself from the situation, stroll down to the other end of the bar and get some beers. When the bartender dropped off my tab, I leaned in and said, "hey, you see that guy down there." "Yes," said the barkeep. "Does he work here?" I ask. "Yes." "Oh, well he's a fucking dick." The bartender was a bit surprised I'd be saying this about one of his fellow employees, but honestly, he just kinda laughed and was like "yeah he's had a long day." Which, in retrospect, makes me think that my new bouncer friend was just a fucking prick to everyone that lived. Oh, but I did forget the chick that came up to him later and occupied the same space that he had previously told me to vacate. Did he bitch and tell her to move? Oh no no.. He was all smiles and hugs with her... Fuck that guy..

We didn't stay at Barleycorn's long after that. Our missing friends were still missing, and some new friends joined the group, so we all ventured over to B-Town and hit up Roscoe's. I gotta say, that place is fun as hell. I've gotten hammered there every time, and every time I've had a shit ton of fun. I ordered a pitcher of Miller Lite for a few of us, but I'm pretty sure I drank the whole thing myself. Oh and some guy grabbed my ass. Not like a light pinch, but a full on hand-cup squeeze.. Funny shit..

After Roscoe's, the night pretty much wound down. The lights at the bar came on, which is usually a good indication it's time for bed. Unless you've been blowing rails all night, in which case, the night is still young. We headed home, stopped by Chicago Pizza on the way, and crashed out..

What a freaking weekend. I love St Pat's. And even though I'm Irish, I don't celebrate St Pat's because I'm Irish. Like BK said, I'm not FROM Ireland, so I can't really say I'm Irish or part of the Irish culture. I like St Pat's because it's another reason for me to drink heavily and not look like a completely deranged alcoholic. So there's that..

Later on butt plugs! No work for me tomorrow!! Oh, and Ben Folds show tonight! Woohoo!

what a weekend part 1

2009-03-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Man, I thought I couldn't reach any higher summits of inebriation than I did last summer. I was wrong. I have reached entire new plateaus, like the highlands of Scotland. I am reaching mountain tops for god's sake. It's actually quite amazing considering my history of being a fucking lightweight when it comes to drinking. But oh no, I have evolved into something entirely new. The great part: I'm a happy drunk, so I don't get all pissed. Though I did get pretty pissed Saturday, but I'll get to that.

So I had Friday off again. My fucking company pisses me off. I do 3 times as much work as I used to with 20% less time to do it in, so I'm constantly fucking stressed at work now. It sucks a lot, but whatever. Today's blog isn't for bitching, it's for spreading the good word. So Thursday I went down to the city to see Watchmen, which was pretty good, but a little long.. It could've been 2 hours instead of 2 hours and 45 minutes and still accomplished just as much. But whatever, all in all it was a pretty good movie and worth a watch. I crash out at my gf's place Thursday and get up with her when she leaves for work on Friday at like 630am. So I get home at about 7, 730ish Friday morning and now I'm basically stuck there until 1pm because fucking Comcast has to send a tech out to fix my cable. Keep in mind my cable has been sucking a butt since the middle of February. So there I am, at home, on a Friday, no work and I'm stuck there waiting for Comcast to show up (oh and they gave me the "some time between 9 and 1" business.. fucking assholes). So I do the only thing a true gentleman would do: I crack a beer and start drinking.

I spent most of the day drinking.. Not too heavily, because I have dinner planned for that evening and, in an attempt to not completely fuck it up, I pace myself during the day. Turned out really good, too. Chicken pot pie. Yum.. Anyway, so my gf and her friend come over and we eat pot pie. And thank god I think ahead, because while I was at the grocery store getting provisions for dinner, I bought a bottle of scotch, a box of wine (hahaha i still laugh when i have a box o' wine in the fridge) and another 12'er.. Yeah, I know, you're all very proud of me. Thank you, thank you. So we're eating dinner, having a few beers.. We crack open the scotch and have a glass or two of that deliciousness. (Mmmm... I can taste the oaky flavors now.. God I need a drink...) Then we decide to head over to the Fox and Hound up in Arlington Heights (I think) and lo and behold, they have green double pints on special! So, naturally, I drink a couple of those. But they were playing really shitty music as most bars these days do.. I'm pretty sure I remember hearing the lyrics "shake it like helen keller" or something along those lines.. It's amazing the bullshit that people listen to.. But anyway, we decide to put on some Cher (not my choice, but since it was pissing off everyone else in the bar, I went along with it) which apparently pissed off management because shortly thereafter the juke box stopped taking requests. Hahaha... Fucking corporate restaurant managers are assholes. Every last one of them.

Wow, I really got to get on with the story here.. I'm only at like 9pm on Friday, and I gotta get through Saturday and Sunday!! Maybe a 2 part blog?? Hmm.. Perhaps.. Anyways.. So we leave the F&H and head to the Where Else bar in Elk Grove. That place is strange.. Very cozy and comfortable, but definitely a townie bar. I saw this one lady that kinda looked like Joanie Lauer, which was creepy.. But I continued my drinking via beers and shots of tequila and car bombs, so I was happy. We left Where Else around midnight or so because we knew we had a long Saturday ahead of us. The next morning, I had a raging headache and ended up puking up the mountain dew i was drinking.. Neon green toilet water is not a pleasant sight, let me tell ya.. So I'm completely hungover, and I have no cure for it.. I stumble over to Meijer to get some pain killers and barely make it back before I puked again.. Needless to say, Saturday morning was VERY rough for me. I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it through that night's festivities (read: St. Patty's celebrating!!).

Ok, I gotta get back to work, so I'm gonna stop here for today. Part 2 tomorrow if I have time...

pet peeves

2009-03-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's back! After quite a long time, I'm back to blogging.. Well, I can't really say that because this is day one since Feb 12 that I've posted anything, but we can all hope, right? Amiright? Yeah.. So anyway, Ms. Emily gave me the idea to list my pet peeves, so here they are, in no particular order:

1) When people are in the right turn lane and then decide to make a left turn. I understand that you can't always know where you're going, but do you really need to hold up the rest of us because you can't make a decision? Turn right, then bust a U turn when you can you socially inept pricks.

2) People that park their grocery carts in the middle of the aisle while perusing the cornucopia of various Hamburger Helper choices. Why Hamburger Helper, you ask? No reason.. It could apply to any section of the grocery store where there isn't ample room to maneuver around these people. Park your fucking cart off to the side while you take forever to decide.

3) Kids on those wheelie-shoe things.. I swear to fucking Christ, this may be one of the most annoying things in the history of mankind. Way more annoying than Carrot Top's standup, or hearing about Octomom. A long time ago, I decide I would hip check the next kid that skated by me on those, hopefully knocking them into some sort of store display, thus causing a scene. And, if I played my cards right, everyone would just think it's some asshole kid causing trouble. Unfortunately, I haven't seen one of them since I've made this decree, so no kid has yet to get in trouble for fucking up store displays on my account. It's sad, really.

4) As a final nod to grocery store pet peeves, I hate people that hold up the line at the grocery store to debate a 10 cent discrepancy on their receipt. I know times are tough. Shit, I may be without a job or a place to live before long. But I can certainly take a 10 cent hit rather than being a fucking Heeb about it. And if you absolutely must dispute it, go to the fucking Customer Service counter. Why do you think they exist? That is not a cardboard cut out of a Meijer employee behind the counter, you dolt.. I'm sure he/she is more than qualified to right the wrongs that have befallen you.

5) Sometimes, I fart in my office. But it seems like every time I do, someone comes in two seconds later to have a long winded (no pun intended) discussion about some work related bullshit. And, undoubtedly, they must smell my stink. Granted, they aren't all stinky, so I know I've dodged a few bullets like Neo in the Matrix, but man, sometimes I expect a mushroom cloud to come out of my ass. So inevitably, people at my work probably think I smell bad.. Which just isn't true.. Most days, anyway.

6) This next one is mostly due to age, I think. I hate when I'm at any locale that has a bathroom, only to leave said place and have to pee like 5 seconds later. It's always just past the point of no return, too, when you're just far enough away to think "i'll just hold it until the next stop." The worst is when I leave my apartment to visit one of my friends, all of whom live at least 30-40 minutes away. Happens every time.

7) This one is just my own stupidity. Sometimes I have like 800 pockets on my person. Between jeans, hooded sweatshirts and my coat, I have a ton of fucking pockets on me at any given time. The sad part is sometimes, when I'm getting ready to leave, I'll put my keys in my hoodie pocket, then throw my coat on. I then spend the next 30 minutes frantically searching my apartment for my keys, and the aggravation is further compounded by the fact that I'm in a perpetual state of running late.

8) I've touched on this before, but it's annoying enough to mention again. I hate people that use "quote" for "emphasis." Try using bold or italics or LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS... Fuck, use a TRIO OF FONT STYLES TO EMPHASIZE YOUR POINT. But don't use quotes. Quotes don't equal emphasis.

9) Along the same lines, people who have no general concept of the proper use of punctuation really piss me off. To quote (not for emphasis, but for evidence) a coworker's email from this morning:
"Do you want this priced domestically, offshore or both? Please advise on this?

You need a minimum of 400 pieces for your Friday shipment, which means we
need to get 400 to you today. I will also see if we can expedite the daily
200 piece qty's to complete this order ASAP?"

Really? Please advise on this? It's more of a commanding statement, albeit polite with the preceding "please," but the question mark is more out of place than a turd on the kitchen counter. Same with the "...to complete this order ASAP?" You are TELLING that person you are going to do something, not asking them if you are going to do something. Fucking shit. It's not like it was a complex sentence, full of dependent and independent clauses, all structured around a central theme that might be lost to many readers through its sheer complexity, much like this sentence. It was a simple sentence, with a simple directive, and you still fucked it up. Jesus Christ no wonder I hate my job so much.

10) Just for the sake of having an even number of pet peeves, I'll add this to the list: I hate it when people bitch and moan in long winded diatribes, either written or spoken, about all the things that piss them off in life. It's fucking annoying. It's fucking... Oh, wait.. God damn it.. I guess that's the end of this blog.

it's about damn time

2009-02-12T13:01:00.001-08:00

Boy, I've really been slacking on these damn blogs. What was once pure entertainment for myself (and hopefully you guys) is now becoming somewhat of a chore to keep up. It's not so much that I don't want to do these, but I just don't have the fucking time anymore. But, I managed to squeeze about 30 seconds out of my day today to post this, so you better read it and enjoy it! Onwards....

There's some funny shit I've seen on the internet recently, and here's some of it:

Kid Fathers Baby That's a Little Too Close to His Age Group
Full Story Here
Ugh... Really? This fucking kid is 13 and already has a baby? And he thinks he's going to be a devoted and caring father? He has no idea what being a father means. Fuck, I'm 28, I've been around kids for years and years, I have a bunch of friends and relatives that have kids, and I don't know what being a father really means. I don't think anyone does until they actually have kids, and even then I'm willing to bet it takes them 20-some-years to figure it out, if they ever do.

And really, how long do you think before this kid gets tired of having to deal with raising this kid before he tries to throw it in a dumpster or something? I couldn't even take care of a hermit crab at 13 because I didn't have the attention span to feed it regularly. Take this quote from the proud new papa Alfie:

"I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10."

Great.. So Alfie here is going to raise this kid on £10 that he gets "sometimes"? That's like $15 every once in a while. You can't even maintain a decent smoking/porn/drug habit on an unreliable $15 income. Though porn is pretty much free now (god bless the internet). And this article has a very distinct "aww, how cute is this" tone, like we're looking at a litter of kittens in a wicker basket. No, this isn't cute. This is fucked up and just another example of how fucking backwards and retarded this world really is. Ugh. Enough of this little pecker. I hope he figures it out, but I'm not holding my breath.

More Stupid Criminals
Here's a random selection of awesome mugshots from TheSmokingGun.com. There's not a single one in this group that I'd be comfortable seeing in any public area without a bright orange jumpsuit and wrist-to-ankle shackles, except maybe the Joker kid:

So this kid shows up at a movie theater, dressed as the Joker, and plans to steal Dark Knight movie posters. 'Nuff said? Yeah, I thought so too.
Nerdy Kid Thinks He's the Joker, Gets Busted

Hmm.. I don't even need to say anything about this guy.. But I will say kudos to whoever beat the shit out of him. He could probably use a few more licks from that billy club. I really hope this guy gets gang raped during his stint in prison.
Ignorant White Trash at Its Finest

And finally, this guy... Here's a tip: if you want to try to look like some bad ass satan worshiper, don't get a fucking bow tie tattoo on your neck. It kinda takes away from your street cred. And really, couldn't he throw a little color in there? Some crimson, perhaps? And what the fuck is he trying to look like? From the side shot, it looks like the tattoo is forming some sort of horn as it goes further back along the side of his head, which would indicate he's going for some sort of demon look. Personally, I think he looks like a fucking idiot.
Insert Clever Linking Headline About White Trash Here

Here's a good example of how a loving husband would do anything for his spouse. Even if that means dragging her wounded body to a street he knows how to spell:

That has seriously got to be the funniest solution to this problem he could've come up with. "I'll drag her over to Oak St., you can pick her up there." He didn't even ATTEMPT to spell eucalyptus (which, admittedly, is a lot harder to spell than you'd think).. But for fuck's sake, that's his home address! And, I'm sorry, but I have to ask: WHO THE FUCK GETS ATTACKED BY A WARTHOG AT THEIR HOME?? Where are warthogs wandering aimlessly through residential neighborhoods, terrorizing housewives? I didn't think warthogs were even native to the US. Ahh well, he probably mistook the warthog for a potbelly pig or some other relatively harmless, and generally domesticated, animal.

Ok, that's all for today and, if recent history has taught us anything, that's probably all for about a week. Later on dildos!

welcome to the future of America

2009-02-12T06:56:00.001-08:00

Bitch makes babies, gets money

You know, I'm all for helping people in need. But some people, well they just don't deserve any assistance at all. Take this bitch in California, for instance. This lady is already on welfare with 6 kids.. So what does she do? She spends some of her assistance money on in vitro fertilization and PRESTO! she pops out 8 more kids. And the wonderful taxpayers in California get to pay for this bitch's 14 kids! Hooray for government assistance!

Read full story here

Now, I'm all for helping people that really need help. In this failing economy, a lot of good, hard-working people are going to get fucked right out of their jobs, and that sucks. But this fucking bitch is just leeching off of the system. There's a million things I could say about this, but I'm going to shorten this up with a quick list:

1) Take these kids away from her. And before everyone starts bitching up a storm that a mother has rights, fuck that. Not in this case. She doesn't deserve these kids, she's single, she can't afford the 6 kids she already has, she's a burden on society, and I guarantee that those kids aren't exactly going to have a great life growing up. Oh, but she's going to school for her Master's in the fall... Yeah, right.. With 14 kids in tow? Good fucking luck.

2) Stop the cycle!! Sterilize this lady! I'm sorry, but the general public is full of stupid people that just exploit the system and get free handouts every chance they get. Welfare wasn't meant to allow people to be social parasites; it's meant to help people that fall on hard times. Unfortunately, too many people found out that if they just fall on hard weiners, they can pop out a couple kids and get some more money from the government. Kudos..

3) So she set up a donation fund for her and the kids? Hmm.. I swear to god if I ever meet someone that gives money to this bitch, I will kill them where they stand. 'Nuff said..

Apparently Sea Cows Can't Levitate
From Failblog comes this gem about how not knowing your own capabilities can be simultaneously dangerous and hilarious:

Ahh, good times. It's not like he even floated for a second or two and then settled gently to the ground.. Oh no, this guy fucking full-on flopped down to the floor. Really, people, if you're going to go on a nationally televised talent competition, have a fucking talent! Like this guy could probably get into motivational speaking and be fantastic at it. He's certainly got the presence, and his angle could be "hey, you could be me!".. Motivational speakers are weird like that; they always have some sort of gimmick that they hinge their entire talk on.. Like in high school, we had a guy come in that had no arms. He opened his talk by cracking open a pepsi can and drinking it with his feet. Which made me feel awesome because I have arms and don't have to cruise around the country opening shit with my feet like some kind of freak show. Didn't really motivate me though. Except to try opening shit with my feet.. You know, just in case..

Proof that idiots are susceptible to trickery
There's this British magician/mindreader/psychologist guy named Derren Brown who, apparently, is super famous in the UK for mind-fucking people. Well, I guess he's decided to take his act to the U.S. and take us all completely unawares. Now I highly recommend watching a few of his videos on Youtube just to get a better grasp on what this guy is all about, but this one in particular really reveals everything:

Check out the video here

Wow.. Imagine that.. Dumb-ass strippers are duped by a half-way decent looking British guy. Stop the press! Will the wonders never cease? Now, if you dissect this situation, as well as ones from the other videos, you'll notice a pattern: he targets morons. Wow.. Amazing. He's a regular David Blane. He uses the power of suggestion on people that are completely susceptible to mental trickery. Good for him. There's a few other funny videos (funny in the sense that it's all pretty obvious what's going on and it almost makes you wonder how much of it is set up), including one where he hits on models, one where he gets payouts on losing tickets at the dog track and one where he uses blank paper as currency. All have the same common theme: idiots. Amiright?

seth macfarlane is a super dude

2009-02-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

Fuck me, I've been so uninspired lately to do this blog.. It's mostly because of work, which, as you all know, makes me want to punch small animals in the face.. But whatever, today is starting off ok.. I haven't been shaking with rage; in fact I'm pretty sure some advice I got yesterday is working out well.. Oh, and it's like 60 degrees and sunny out, so there's that too..

I was driving to work this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, when I saw this guy take his car up a snow bank and nearly flip his car.. Hilarious shit.. I almost wish it had rolled because I've always wanted to see that, but that wasn't in the cards for me this morning. But, he was tipped far enough for me to partially see into his sunroof, so naturally I laughed..

Now, a lot of you have probably seen this, but there's a scene about :50 in that just cracks me up:

It's like he got some bad acid and freaked out. Now I've been all mangled after the dentist before (4 wisdom teeth taken out in one shot), but I'll be damned if I've ever hallucinated and felt the need to belt out a Braveheart-esque roar on the way home.. In fact, there's really only two things I was thinking about after that experience: sleep and pills. Whenever I wasn't sleeping, I was eating pills, and vice versa.. I'm pretty sure I managed to suck down some apple sauce or some other pureed food.. Fuck, I was so out of it, I probably would've eaten wet cat food at that point.

Holy shit, did you know Seth MacFarlane has some animated shorts on YouTube? Check this out:

I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker either looked like a horse or a foot, I could never quite figure out which. Shame on Maxim, though.. In one issue, they're calling her one of the most overrated chicks, and a couple issues later, they're saying how hot she is. You know what, she's not hot. If she ever got fat, Matthew Broderick could just dangle a carrot in front of her to get her to run on the treadmill.

And in this episode, Princess Peach finally gets her comeuppance:

Mario has a damn good point here. It's not like he was trying to get a beej for his troubles, he just wanted a kiss. Is that really too much to ask? The Princess is such a bitch. Though, on the other hand, he did essentially just trip out the whole time eating mushrooms, which, while undoubtedly exhausting, was probably a lot of fun.

zombies attack!!

2009-01-29T13:31:00.000-08:00

I hope, one day, when zombies actually do attack, that I get to see this:

Zombies Ate My Homework!!

I really hope zombies attack us one day. But I want bad ass, Dawn of the Dead (2004) type zombies, not those slow moving, kinda dumb zombies like Night of the Living Dead (1968). That way, I would finally be able to hunt humans! See, there's these laws that kinda sorta prohibit me from hunting humans. But when they turn to zombies, well all that goes right out the window! I would go all Texas-style on them, get an old pick up truck with flood lights and a gun rack, and drive around town drinking Hamm's and shooting zombies with a shotgun. I think police would suspend the whole DUI thing too, at least for a while until we deal with the zombies, which is great because I'm pretty sure I'd need a drink while hunting said zombies. I wonder if zombie decoys would work? Like duck hunters that have those ceramic, like-like ducks to lure living ducks in, then blast their heads off with a rifle.. Remember Duck Hunt, that game that came with the original Super Mario Bros? I fucking hated that dog that laughed at you if you missed those ducks.. Fuck you, hunting dog, those ducks on the harder levels were like trying to hit a stealth bomber with a sling shot.. I'd like to see you try.. Oh, wait, that's right, no opposable thumbs.. Oh, and you're a fucking dog.. Your canine intelligence is no match for my people intelligence! What were we talking about? Oh, right, zombies. So, yeah, I want to hunt zombie humans.

And on a really quick political note, Blagojevich has been removed from office.. I have to say, I'm really surprised. The guy comes across as such a stand-up kinda guy. Like the type of dude that wouldn't roofie your drink so he could try to bang your girlfriend. I would trust my children to his care. Maybe he could teach them the value of money.. Ooooo did I just make a Jew joke? haha

Oh, and here's the funny part.. The senate voted 59-0 in favor of kicking his ass to the curb. 59-0!!! That's like Tom Brady's Patriots vs the Oakland Raiders... Or me vs. Lebron James in one-on-one basketball.. But now he's got all this free time, I wonder what he's going to do? I've made a list of the top 5 possibilities:

1) Make bagels
2) Count the money he's about to lose in the civil trials
3) Play Spin the Dredle
4) Go to dental/law/business/accounting school
5) Sell his virginity on eBay

Yeah, that's right, I bet he's virgin.

in the news

2009-01-29T07:27:00.001-08:00

Apparently CIA station chiefs aren't as intelligent as you'd think they'd have to be:

The U.S. government is investigating a former CIA officer in Algeria who has been accused of drugging and raping two women while he held the post, according to an affidavit released by the Justice Department.

Andrew Warren has been accused by the women, who are both Algerian nationals, of drugging and raping them on separate occasions while he was still working for the CIA in the Algerian capital, according to the court document, which was filed in the fall of 2008.

Warren has not been charged with a crime. He has told investigators that he engaged in "consensual sexual intercourse" with both accusers, the affidavit states.

CNN has been unable to reach Warren for comment.

According to the affidavit, a search of Warren's residence in Algiers turned up Xanax, Valium, and "a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults," according to the affidavit.

Now I'm sure that during his stay in Algeria, Warren probably got pretty lonely. But did he really need to resort to rape? I'm sure there's plenty of Algerian women that would just love to hook up with a high ranking US Government official. I seriously doubt he needed to drug and rape them. Maybe he's a midget, or he's got a third arm growing out of his forehead. Either way, though, if you were a CIA operative of any sort, why would you leave Xanax, Valium and a handbook of how to rape women lying around in your residence? This would be like Dexter leaving a forensics book and his cutlery set lying around next to each other. Or a drug dealer keeping his scale and his divvied up bags of coke together; it's just something you don't do.

This one is a shining example of how technology meets law enforcement:

The Racine County Sheriff’s Department used Google Earth — an online mapping program — last week to pinpoint marijuana fields in Mount Pleasant and bust a Racine man for harvesting pot.

The investigation began Friday after Racine County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Dean Brown, 37, of Racine, near highways 75 and 20, according to a criminal complaint. A deputy smelled marijuana as he approached the car, and discovered 18 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana in the car’s cargo area. The marijuana, stuffed in two large garbage bags with heavy stems poking through the plastic, was worth between $63,000 and $140,000.

Brown was arrested for felony drug possession, but that was just the beginning of the investigation. Deputies found a GPS unit around Brown’s neck with coordinates to areas throughout Racine County, the complaint said.

On Saturday, Metro Drug agents plugged coordinates saved in Brown’s GPS unit into Google Earth, a searchable compilation of satellite images available through the Internet. By entering the coordinates, agents were able to find the locations in Racine County programmed into the GPS unit.

Don't the police have more advanced technology than Google Earth to look up GPS locations? I know Google is the shit, and I've certainly tried to spy on people with it, but I'm also not a government employee. What happens when a patrol car gets a call to go to a certain address? Does the cop have to run out to his car real quick to grab his Garmin before he heads out? Shouldn't the police have some sort of bad ass GPS tracking system that fires lasers from space or something cool?

This just in, Rod Blagojevich claims he's done nothing wrong:

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appeared before state senators Thursday for the first time during his impeachment trial, saying he has done "absolutely nothing wrong."

He said there's been a "rush to judgment and an evisceration of presumption of innocence."

The governor said the prosecution has not proven the allegations, which are based on a criminal complaint released by federal authorities in December, when he was arrested on federal corruption charges.

"How can you throw a governor out of office on a criminal complaint, and you haven't been able to show or prove any criminal activity?" he asked.

"How can you throw a governor out of office who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to give him a chance to bring witnesses in, to prove his innocence, to do more than just ask for a presumption of innocence?"

Because Blagojevich is giving a closing argument, not testimony, senators will not be able to question him, and he will not be cross-examined by the prosecutor for the House of Representatives, which impeached the governor in a nearly unanimous vote.

Well, I guess that settles that.. Pack up your bags, Illinois senate, Blag is innocent! I find it interesting that, rather than appearing at the impeachment trial for the past few days, he's been parading around the country, speaking with various news outlets and condemning the proceedings as some sort of witch hunt. THE FEDS HAVE YOU ON TAPE, SELF-IDENTIFYING!! Maybe if you went on Tuesday or Wednesday, when they were replaying the tapes, you'd know that you, sir, are busted.

this blog takes an unexpected turn

2009-01-28T06:11:00.001-08:00

Let's get it out of the way right now; I'm suspending the alphabet blogs for a little while. Shit, with how little I've been posting, some of you probably thought the blog was dead forever.. But, I've gotten bitched at by a few people for not writing, so I'm here, now, in a terribly shitty foul mood, and doing it because I love you guys. Thanks for the support. Ok, no more mushy crap, on with the show!

Well, I may have turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I spent a good chunk of yesterday perusing CNN.COM, reading all sorts of weird shit about Obama, international tensions (read that as Israel vs. Gaza, showdown bitches!!), and various takes on the economic crisis that, according to just about everyone EXCEPT Obama, is about to take a turn for the we're-all-fucked... I read about a few murders and stupid criminals, and the theory of 12/21/2012... And that's when it hit me.. There's PLENTY of great topics that I could wax wise about for hours and hours.. Hell, I couldn't make half of these stories up.. Mostly because I'm not an entirely creative person, but also because some of this shit is just unbelievable.. Some of my favorite stories of the day:

Apocalypse in 2012? Date spawns theories, film

Ok, so this is funny shit, right? I mean, anyone that thinks the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar does not extend past the Gregorian calendar's equivalent of 12/21/2012 (some scholars say 12/23/2012, but does that really matter?) has got to be the most retarded person in the world. And there's plenty of great websites with theories of what's going to happen. One guy claims a mysterious, unknown "comet planet" is going to hit earth on that day, obviously wiping us all out. Yeah, you read that right.. An UNKNOWN "comet planet".. First of all, if it's unknown, then how the fuck can you reasonably speculate that A) it exists, and B) it's going to hit us... Secondly, aren't "comet" and "planet" two words that have absolutely no business being jammed together? I wonder if this is like the whole "a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can never be a square" idea.. Comets pass in and out of solar systems; planets do not.. Planets have a very distinct orbit around the sun; to my knowledge, comets do not..

But I digress from the meat of this story: THE END OF THE WORLD!! Armageddon!! I was serious about having a party to usher in the end, so 12/21/2012, party at my house! And if 12/21/2012 passes and we remain, well we'll be fucked up and still having a good time, so all the better! Y2K came and went without incident, even though banks were allegedly going to freak out and take over our lives, and planes were going to plummet to the ground, and dinosaurs were going to eat small babies.. 6/6/06 came and went without incident, even though the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse were supposed to rise from the ashes of the devil's ass and eat pork products on a Friday.. Fuck, I don't know what was allegedly supposed to happen, but I know a ton of people out there all had their own theories about the shit storm that was going to hit, and guess what?? Nothing happened.. Another day passed into history, that's it.. And all of those doom-sayers had to find a new date to glom onto and spread the paranoia.

Outrage halts launch of 'Caylee Sunshine' doll

So this guy is a pretty sick fucker, right? For those of you who don't know the Caylee case, this little girl went missing for a while and no one knew where she was. Well, they recently found her body, buried and wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket and duct tape, with a sticker heart on the tape.. Fantastic.. And the mom has been in custody since the girl's disappearance, so they figure she did it.. But this guy, this fucking blood sucking son of a bitch, decides it would be a good idea to make a doll based on this girl and, in an even sicker twist, designed the doll to sing "You Are My Sunshine," which Caylee sang in one of the last videos from when she was alive.. Oh, but forgive me, I forgot he's giving a "substantial" part of the proceeds to charity.. How much? Oh, he can't say.. Which charity? Well, he can't say.. What the fuck is wrong with this world...

Ok, that was fun. Have a great Hump Day everyone! Go get yourselves laid!

Ohhhhhhh "F"udddgggeeeee

2009-01-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know I know, it's been a few days.. I've been busy at work, which I suppose is a good thing, but I haven't had time to write these, which sucks partially because I've had a few people ask where they're at, but also because it's kinda therapeutic for me so I've been going mildly insane the last few days. I actually used arbitrary quotes yesterday; I gotta be honest, I died a little inside. But whatever, I'm back to the blogs, so I suppose we'll should continue the alphabet list.. On to "F":

Fuck: Seriously, hands down the best "F" word ever. I mean, it's called "The F Word" for god's sake.. It's kinda like "The N Word," which, like Louis CK, I also find offensive. There are so many uses for fuck, it's almost unbelievable.. It can be a verb (ie "we fucked hard for hours!"), a noun (ie "that dumb fuck almost got us killed!"), or just a simple exclamation of frustration or anger (ie "FUCK!!!!"). It can even be a modifier (ie "that fucking idiot really blew that one!"). I probably use "fuck" way more than I should; I curse like a fucking sailor.. Oops, there I go again.. Fuck... DAMN IT!!

fart: Some people get really grossed out by farts, but really, I don't see what the big deal is. Granted, I'm not about to join the "Cake Fart" phenomenon (Cake Farts), and I certainly am not a huge fan of being farted on or someone farting in my face, but really, is it that bad that people need to get super offended by it? We all fart, even girls, I don't care what they say.. You're human, ladies, you fart.. Have you ever had beans, or Mexican food, or lots of cheese? Then you've farted, get over it.

fellatio: Great word, even better act! Fellatio is fantastic.. I'd love to meet the one guy in the world that doesn't like getting blown.. I'd punch him right in the mouth.. Yeah, I said it.. Right in the mouth..

Fo'shizzle my nizzle: Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the man. This really is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but because Snoop is SUCH a fucking master pimp, this caught on and spread like a brush fire in southern California.

Firefox: A great web browser, but I think people should start calling hot redheads "Firefoxes." It's kinda like how old good looking men are called "silver foxes" on account of their silvery hair, but for hot young red head chicks. I know a "firefox".. :)

Facebook: Allegedly this thing is bad ass.. I have a facebook page, but I never use it.. Never even put a default picture up.. Why do I have it? *sigh* Who knows.. But people keep telling me to get one, which is funny because I do, but I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to do anything with it. I've got myspace and I barely do anything with that.. Why do I need to be on two social networking sites? So I can throw virtual snowballs at people? No thank you..

Felching: Most of you may need to avert your eyes for this entry.. But in honor of BK, my favorite blogger (Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I decided this needed to be included. Felching is pretty nasty.. I believe the implication is that the jizzer (or "The Pitcher") sucks his own jizz out of the jizzee (or "The Catcher").. I suppose if there was a 3-some, and one of the girls sucked it out of the other girl, then maybe it'd be a little better.. But I'm not entirely sure that would still be considered felching.. Maybe 3rd Party Felching?? Either way, I'm certainly not about to get into the habit of felching one-on-one.. No sir, no thank you..

Finally, this has absolutely nothing to do with the letter "F" save for the name of the website is Futility Closet, but I just had to share this with you..

Genocidal Cats!!

Ahh, nothing like single-handedly exterminating an entire race.. And on top of that, it's not like Tibbles here had man-made technology to work with; he had to do this with his own four paws.. Congratulations, Tibbles, you get my nod of approval for Bad Ass of the Day! (FYI, Wikipedia disputes this claim, but Wikipedia isn't an entirely reliable source.. Then again, few things on the internet are, except this blog.. This blog is so accurate and scientifically sound, it should be published in National Geographic.. Of course, they'd have to go to daily publications, which could really drive up the cost of membership, but trust me, their members would appreciate the reasoning)

I have mental problems.. Oh well, back to work..

E-gads!!

2009-01-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I'm fucking tired.. This is gonna be one of my more retarded posts because I simply don't have the mental capacity right now to be witty, clever or even intelligent. Thank god I'm doing this stupid fucking alphabet series, otherwise I'd really have to put some thought into this, or just not post it at all.

Hey, did you hear we're gonna have a black president tomorrow? Cool, huh? Anyway, on with it..

evanescence: The only reason I like this word is because the band of the same name was really quite clever.. They, too, have disappeared like a vapor.. Stupid emo jerks with their stupid emo faces.. Ugh

effervescent: a funny word to describe a bubbly liquid such as coke, champagne and, occasionally, my pee.. How weird would that be to pee a carbonated liquid? I bet it would kinda hurt.. Hmm.. My pee isn't really effervescent btw.. Oh, and it's a synonym for vivacious and gay, so there's that too.. Gay as in happy, not gay as in dude on dude action..

ennui: You know, if you don't have it, you really should get a subscription to Dictionary.com's word of the day email (click here to sign up).. Got this little gem a few months ago.. Basically means weariness due to lack of interest and/or boredom.. Like in college, when you had to take those shitty Gen Ed's just to prove you weren't a complete retard and had to listen to some T.A. drone on about rock formations on meteorites.. Those TA's think they were such hot shit, too.. Man the ego on those kids.. They seriously thought they were god's gift to the educational system, but really they were just a bunch of piss-ant ass-kissing brown nosers to the professors.. Fuck TA's...

Emo: It's really like the new goth, isn't it? It's like the switched from being whiny-pussy-Satan-worshippers to just whiny pussies.. Yes, I know real goth people aren't Satan-worshippers, but most goth people aren't real goths, they're a bunch of posers trying desperately to fit in somewhere because every other social circle has shunned them.. Next up, trenchcoat mafia.. But yeah apparently it's hip to listen to melancholy emo crap now.. Next thing you know, people are gonna respect people who cry actual tears into their beers.. You know who'd make a good emo if he was still around? Jon Arbuckle.. Seriously, check out Garfield Minus Garfield, you'll see what I mean.. It's actually really funny to see.. I never really thought about the fact that Jon was talking to a cat and, in reality, he'd appear pretty insane.. Garfield minus Garfield really brings it to light.. Oh, and I'm getting pretty good with these mid-text links, huh? Yeah you're impressed.. Hahaha jk jk

Ok, that's enough for today.. I feel stupider for having written all that.. Gonna go rehydrate, maybe take a nap in a snow bank somewhere.. Later nerds!

"D"-fence

2009-01-16T08:36:00.001-08:00

I know, fucking lame title.. But football is almost over and we've got about 40 days until Spring Training opens, so whatever.. I don't know what that has to do with anything, other than the fact that in about 3 weeks I'm gonna be fucking miserable.. I'm not a huge football fan, but it gets me through from October to February, then there's nothing but basketball and hockey.. Now, both of those are legitimate sports, unlike bowling or croquet or some other lame crap.. But, frankly, they both suck ass and I'm completely uninterested in either one.. It's weird, my life doesn't revolve around sports, but that 5-6 weeks between the Super Bowl and Spring Training are excruciating.. It may be the fact that I'm deep in the throes of winter depression, but whatever.. I hate it, let's move on to today's list..

doppelganger: This is just a ridiculously long word for an almost exact lookalike.. It's not meant for identical twins, but just for some random person that looks just like you.. It's a sweet word, especially if you can actually work it into conversation.. I wish I had a doppelganger, I would pull a Multiplicity type thing.. My doppelganger could deal with all the bullshit I don't want to do, which is really just go do my job.. That would leave me plenty of time for partying, hanging out, working out, getting laid, etc. etc.. It's all about the perks..

dildo: I think this is just a funny word in and of itself.. Etymology estimates its origins in the 1500's, so apparently people in the Middle Ages knew how to party.. But I bet they had to whittle dildos out of pieces of wood, so I'm sure a bunch of English chicks back in the day were getting some nasty infections.. And, considering the lack of medical expertise back then, I bet that caused some real problems.. Now I don't have a vag, but I'm quite certain a splinter to to any part of that area would hurt like hell.. I'm just saying.. There is a chance they were making them out of rock, but I'm not entirely sure that's any better..

"Dead as Dillinger": Stupid phrase.. I just hate this one.. It's like people that are trying to be all hip and gangster like the guys in Reservoir Dogs, but really you just end up sounding like a fucking idiot.. I'm willing to bet that most people that have used this phrase don't even know who Dillinger was..

Donkey-punch: A pretty hilarious sexual act.. The premise is the dude is fucking someone in the ass (I suppose it could be a guy or girl, but given my orientation, I always thought of it with poodles.. I mean chicks!!) and punches the recipient in the back of the head which apparently A) knocks them out, and B) tightens up their butthole.. I've never had the testicular fortitude to actually try this, but if someone has, well kudos to you sir!

Date rape: Not the act, and not even the word, but the song from Sublime.. Date rapists are freakin' cowardly little bitches.. Sure, go ahead, try to rape that chick.. I hope she pulls a knife and jams it up your tiny weiner.. But the song is fun, because that guy sure got his comeuppance.. He ends up getting raped by some undoubtedly huge black guy.. Hahaha sweet justice.. Check out this comic, it always makes me laugh:

http://rockadee.blogspot.com/2008/09/sports-fan-date-rape-fan.html

dookie: any synonym for poop is funny, especially if it makes it seem less crappy (no pun intended).. "Droppings" is also kinda funny, but it also wasn't the name of a pretty great album, so it loses points for that.. And eat me if you don't like Green Day's Dookie.. It's good.. It's no rock masterpiece, a la Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" or Led Zeppelin IV.. It's sorta the equivalent of a summer action movie.. Don't take it too seriously and it's enjoyable.. Start analyzing it too much, and you'll likely find a ton of flaws.. Like Iron Man.. I almost can't enjoy that movie anymore because me and Phil found like a million glaring flaws in it the last time, so it's a little tainted for me.. Hahaha taint...

Midgets are creepy.. Especially the ones that have those little sausage fingers.. I saw a midget tranny porn once... The therapy since then has helped me cope..

Oh and Chyna (or Joanie Lauer.. the former wrestler that looks like she could bench press a semi) does indeed have a giant clitoris.. This came up last night over dinner.. She made a porn one time with some WWF wrestler, and the thing looked like a partially severed finger.. I think it even had its own appendages.. Oddly enough, Chyna once posed in Playboy.. For shame, Hugh Hefner, for shame! Please tell me you didn't tap that!! She would probably break his hip if she tried to ride him cowgirl style.. Not to mention they could probably play tummy sticks together..

"C" you in hell

2009-01-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

crop dusting: This is only hilarious because one day, my buddy eric and I were at a bar and having a legitimate discussion about actual crop dusting.. You know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot gear, dangerous chemicals spilling out of the bottom of the plane.. No, seriously, we were actually talking about this.. Why, I have no idea, but it's not the point.. Anyway, so we're talking about crop dusting, and the bartender overhears the words "crop dusting" and immediately gets involved with this gem: "Crop dusting? Like when you're walking by someone and you fart?" No joke.. I nearly died laughing.. Eric says, "no, like actual crop dusting.. you know, biplanes, guys in scarves and other 1950's pilot...." You get the idea.. Crop dusting.. Funny shit.. Strangely enough, like many of you, the bartender didn't believe we were talking about actual crop dusting..

cunt: Sorry to all the ladies that just got all upset when they read that, but hear me out.. There's really two facets to this.. One is the literal definition which, and I gotta agree with Louis CK here, is really inappropriate.. I mean really, cunt is such a nasty word, it should never be associated with something so kick ass (for those of you who are lost, I'm talking about vaginas).. On the other side, when used as a sort of synonym for bitch, I think it's highly effective.. It's the aural equivalent of taking a cheese grater to the face; kinda like listening to Bob Dylan sing.. But it's gotta be used sparingly, so go with "bitch," you know, unless someone's being a real cunt.

cow pie: Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Cows = beef, pie = delicious treat... Oh no, stay away from cow pies.. You were led very astray if someone once told you it was an actual beef pie.. God help you if you believed them and ate it.

Caligula: Cool name, kinda lame emperor.. Really, what did he do? Brought the obelisk to St. Peter's Square? Wooooo.. Apparently he nearly died early on because he was banging too many chicks (and probably dudes, you know how those Romans rolled) and drinking too much, so he's got that going for him.. He also portrayed himself as a god, so he was pretty full of himself too.. I once tried that.. Got a bunch of idiots in white robes to drink poisoned fruit punch.. Suckers.. I made up some bullshit about a comet that we needed to catch that would take us to heaven.. People are stupid.

Chris: It's my name, and considering my hugely inflated ego, I figured it had to make the list..

cuckold: Basically a fancy word for a husband whose wife is cheating on him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a certain connotation of husband-pussery involved.. Like the husband knows it's going on, he knows he's a cuckold, but he just kinda accepts it as his lot in life.. Technically speaking, there's usually a kid involved (ie the cheating wife's 3rd party's kid) that the cuckold is raising.. Personally, if my wife was fucking around and i knew about it, there'd be no passivity on my part.. I certainly wouldn't be raising that cheating whore's kid from another man.. But hey, I'm not one to be walked all over, so there it is.

chillax: Ok, I fucking hate this word.. This goes back to the whole "blog" thing (see yesterday's "B" post).. It also reminds me of words such as "Crunk" (crazy-drunk) or those stupid celebrity couple nicknames (the original Bennifer, TomKat [real fucking clever media, i fucking hate all of you for that one] and Brangelina [this one doesn't even sound clever, so i hate you more now]). Do we really have to invent new words by mashing two other words together? You're not clever, you're an idiot.. Next person that tells me to "chillax" is gonna get a foot in their ass.. Fuck..

Ok, I'm all worked up now.. Gonna go take it out on some unsuspecting passersby.

great words that begin with "B"

2009-01-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

Anyone see a pattern developing here? Yeah, that's right, I'm making daily lists based on the alphabet.. It's partially because there's some really awesome words out there, but mostly because I'm a fucking retard and can't think of anything else to blog about right now.. If anything comes up, I'll gladly interject with the alphabet posts and write about something else.. In the meantime, have yourself a laugh, if any of this turns out funny... Oh, and feel free to submit a couple words, but you gotta back them up with something, even if it's complete nonsense..

boner: "erection" seems to sterile, like you're at a doctor's office and he tells you "well, son, your erection appears to be subsiding after overdosing on all that Viagra"... But I think boner is mostly playful.. Like if you're trying to fuck some chick, you don't go up to her and say "man, you're giving me such a boner." That's a one-way ticket to a late night, solo spank-athon my friends.. And, boner can also be used to describe a blunder, like "my goodness, the war on terror was such a boner!" (note: a little political reference for the Frizog.. oh and for those who don't know, that's eric... i'll let you figure out which eric i mean)

bullshit: usually a statement of exclamation to show complete disdain for a situation.. for example, frizog and i thought we were super geniuses one day for coming up with the term "Ninja Slippers" to describe a vagina (picture a pair of ninja slippers put together at an angle so the two arches form a sort of vagina-hole... yeah, cool isn't it?), but the next day we found out some douche posted it on urban dictionary like 3 years ago.. So, in my understandably disappointed state, I exclaimed, "that is bullshit!".. Or, when my boss wants me to do something retarded, I say "this is bullshit!".. You get the idea.

brown eye: slang for the butthole, funny because in many cases it actually looks like a squinty brown eye.. I've also noticed it occasionally looks like pink eye, but using that may just confuse people.. like if you say "dude i fucked her right in the pink eye," your audience may think you mean some sort of disease-ridden skull-fucking..

blog: A really stupid word, and, as is my understanding of the etymology (also a great word, but doesn't really begin with B, unless you say betymology, which isn't a real word), it is a shortened form of "Weblog". Again, stupid.. Are we really so lazy that all we do is shorten words to make new words? It's like these fucking text-crazy kids these days that use emoticons and text-speak (ie "R U GR8?") in their homework assignments.. But teachers can't fail them, because then parents get involved and start bitching about the kid's soccer practice, or they pull the race card, or the parents both work, or some other fucking irrelevant excuse.. Meh, I'm off topic.. Blog, it's a stupid word, but it makes this rambling bullshit possible, so it gets an honorable mention today.

Done, going home, have a great day.

this blog brought to you by the letter "A"

2009-01-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

In no particular order other than to be representative of the randomness that is my stream of conscious:

augment: the way she tugged on it increased the blood flow to that region, augmenting my pee pee

avian: or ornithological, but that doesn't begin with "A", so it's out.. Oh, I was under the impression everyone had heard... Heard what? BUH BUH BUH BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD..

accident: because everyone needs a good "fall down the stairs"

alcohol: in and of itself, not a spectacular word, but c'mon, who doesn't love alcohol just a little?

asslicker: hahaha... asslicker... dirty... yes, i have the maturity level of a 3 year old, go have yourself a nice "accident"

akin: such a good one, because it's like saying "like," or, if i was clever, it would be akin to saying "like," but i'm not supposed to define a word with the same word, so it's like saying "like"... i'm dizzy..

Archie: as in Archie Bunker, one of the first great bigots on TV... gives us all something to look up to and admire..

Alkaline: of the famous Trio... helped me fall in love with punk music.. also made me hate the House of Blues..

anagram: because smart people like word jumbles.. Jim Morrison = Mr Mojo Rising... Bundt Cake = Abduct Ken.. Butt Sex Man = Man Sub Text.. haha no good anagrams for "anagram" though...

absinthe: not a fan personally, but kudos to a drink that makes you feel like a crack head while you prep it

Armageddon: good song, even better event! too bad that shitty movie had to go and taint it.. party at my house on Armageddon (the event, not the broadcast of the shitty movie)!!

anxiety: makes me anxious just saying it!

what is wrong with me

2009-01-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

It's early, I'm tired and a little while ago I was grouchy.. But now I'm in a better mood, so I figured I'd give this a whirl early while I'm all disoriented to see what kind of random bullshit I could come up with.

I really want to get back to writing the parody CD with Eric.. He was jamming the Nazi and retard songs last night, and they really are gems.. We have a veritable cornucopia of song ideas, too.. We've got lyrics for Jesus is a Deadbeat, which I don't think requires any explanation. We all know he is.. Son of God my ass.. He's like the spiritual equivalent of Paris Hilton.. Talk about an heiress (well, heir I suppose). Could you imagine being the son of god? How kick ass would that be? I would make him teach me all of his magic powers, like lighting cigarettes with lightning from my finger tips, or whatever David Blane-esque tricks god can do. I mean really, if you were god, wouldn't you fuck around at least a little? Why does god have to be portrayed as such a fucking stiff all the time? He's got long hippy hair, I bet he's a little more chilled out now.. Plus he's a billion years old, so you know, doesn't have quite the same spring in his step that he once had.

I think it's kinda lame that science has explained most of the plagues in Exodus.. You all know me, for the most part, and probably all know that I don't believe in god and all, but I always liked Exodus because he just went crazy on people. I mean he really fucked the Egyptians up: frogs, locusts, rivers of blood, swarms, boils, disease, darkness and death to first borns.. How fun!! It's like god woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or his wife was bitching at him all day, or he had a bad day at work, and decided to take it out on humanity. Big cry baby..

Well that's all for today I think.. I dunno, maybe I'll be inspired later to talk about lepers and cannibals. We'll see.

kids say the darndest things

2009-01-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

Check this out

Wow, what an awesome world we live in.. Whoever took that stick is a fucking asshole. Nothing like shitting on the dreams and joys of childhood to make your own life seem decent. That's like running up to a kid sitting on Santa's lap and being like, "he's not real!" as you rip the impostor's beard off. Or maybe getting a kid an Iron Man lunch box and taking a shit in it. I mean really, what kind of prick do you have to be to take some kid's souvenir hockey stick after the Winter Classic? How much you wanna bet that's already made its way through eBay? Then again, maybe the guy is a big hockey fan and now that kid's souvenir is his trophy..

I like to shit on kids' dreams, though, I'll be honest.. Maybe I'm an asshole too.. Like when a kid says "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up," I just want to respond with, "well that's stupid.. why don't you sell women's shoes or something you'll actually be good at." Best to set the bar low early, that way they're never disappointed.

And why is it that kids are NEVER fucking satisfied? You could give some kid a robot that does their homework, plays kickball with him, and even listens to their bullshit stories... But the second that kid sees some other kid playing with, I dunno, boogers, he's instantly like "i don't want a robot, i want boogers!!"

If you know anyone that has kids, and you hate them (the parents), buy the kid a toy that doesn't automatically shut off and makes the most atrocious sounds ever.. Seriously, it works... And here's why.. Kids are drawn to obnoxious sounds similar to bugs drawn to light, so there will be an instant infatuation on the kid's part with said toy... Now, here's the best part... It's not so much that the kid wants to play with the toy that makes noise, he just wants to hear the fucking thing make a bunch of noise.. He could turn the thing on, go two floors away, and if you turn it off, he'll come back in, turn it on again, then leave..

Bah, I don't know where I'm going with this.. Fuck kids.. Oh, wait, not like that.. Umm, nevermind..

happy new year

2009-01-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

Yet another year has passed us by and I find myself wondering where the time is going. It seems like every year goes by faster than the previous; perhaps one day I will wake up with shit in my pants and realize that I'm 80 years old.. I certainly hope not, and I'm certainly not excited about that prospect, despite my affinity for good poop jokes.

Each year, around this time, there's a certain tradition correlating January 1st to the need to resolve to be better people (or worse, I guess, depending where you take this whole New Year's resolutions thing).. I don't remember the last year I resolved to do anything, but I've got a few this year. 2008 was a really kick ass year for me, despite it starting off in the sewers (not literally, I am not a ninja turtle), and I expect 2009 to be even better.. I'm coming into this year at full speed; my New Year's Eve celebration is certainly indicative of that.. Some highlights of that evening:

1) Riding the L: ok, I have a whole new outlook on public transportation after that evening. There's a certain comeraderie that develops with your fellow passengers that you simply can't find anywhere else.. Impressively, one guy was actually able to name the kind of beer I was drinking just by seeing the top inch or so of the bottle that was hidden so cleverly in a paper bag... It's water officer, I swear! But we made some friends on the train that night; some people even remembered us on the return trip.. Whether that's good or not is open for debate..

2) The Lawrence Arms: as always, these guys don't disappoint.. Though I think BK was a little too drunk to be his usual hilarious self, but he played awesome. And Chris sang well! Oh, and the opening bands didn't suck! Great show all around..

3) Falling down Kate's stairs: I fell down her stairs, mangled myself, yet came away unscathed! Take that, god! Brad, on the other hand, fucked his wrist up something fierce. Good luck man! Save some meds for me hahaha

4) Slam dancing like a kid: I danced, I yelled, I sang... And yet the next day I miraculously felt ok...

5) Screwdrivers on New Years Day: to the bartender at Dave & Buster's, shame on you, but thanks for the free drinks! Screwdrivers may be my new favorite hangover cure.. Bloody Marys can still suck a dick.. Not to mention the Douche Crew that came into the bar; we considered sending them a round of shirley temples, but they were in too much of a hurry to go play Dance Dance Revolution..

6) Beckins breaking my thingy: no, she didn't break my weiner... She knows what this is about.. hahaha Beckins, just kidding :) I'm just givin' ya shit

7) Not dying/going to jail/going to hospital/babysitting: all fairly self-explanatory.. Though a nite in the drunk tank could've been interesting... Hmm..

8) The Belmont transfer: Guinness at a random bar, tallboys in paperbags from the neighboring liquor store, harrassing the liquor store employee, and listening to some crack head talk about the Winter Classic and telling his "bitch to shut up"...

9) Punching that kid in the face: it was a complete accident, but he was cool about it.. Props to you bud

So yeah, NYE was fun as hell.. Only thing missing was Kate.. She was out like a light when we got back.. Oh well, there's always next year..

Hope you all had as much fun as we did! Happy 2009!

louis ck is a funny man

2008-12-24T06:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously, that guy is fucking insane, but also hilarious.. He's got some new standup on Showtime that we watched last night; fucking genius! There's one part where he's talking about how his kid is a picky eater.. He's like, "you're gonna fucking DIE if you don't eat, you fucking moron!" Hahahahahaha that is some funny shit.. Very true though.. Not that I have kids, but I've been around other people's kids enough to know the frustrations of kids' stubbornness... Or how they like to throw away the bowl of berries you just served them up after they've been begging you for them for the last hour.. I have often thought about just screaming some deranged shit at them like that, but I found that most parents aren't cool with you screaming profanities and balls of logic at their kids, no matter how right you may be.. One time, I was sitting on the floor and this kid was up in my face having a conversation.. So, things are going ok so far, right? Well then he starts screaming right in my face, like the loudest, most blood-curlingest (curlingest? not a word, i know, but fuck you) scream I'd ever heard, and literally INCHES from my face... So, naturally, I yell back, "YOU LIKE THAT?!?! YOU LIKE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!! SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" That's the natural reaction, right? Isn't that what most mature adults will do? Probably not, because most adults with kids recognize something that I didn't until that moment: screaming in a kid's face like that isn't scary to them, it's funny.. This kid actually had the nerve to smile as I was screaming.. Hahaha oh well, live and learn I guess..

Hahahaha an Indian guy just made a camel jockey joke... Hahahaha hilarious

merry christmas and all that

2008-12-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

Well merry friggin' christmas everyone, and a happy new year to you all.. This will likely be my last blog this year, unless I really get bored during my time off and decide to say something really perverted.

Yeah I found out the other day that my company is going to shut down from 12/24-1/5.. Part of me is stoked because I'm on the verge of truly hating my job, yet part of me is wondering what the fuck i'm going to do for 10 days.. I could blog, sure.. I could also work out, maybe.. I could sit around in my underwear, occasionally scratching myself in provocative ways.. Hmm.. I like that idea the best. It's very difficult to do, you know.. Scratching oneself in a manner that would prove provocative to the opposite sex.. I mean really if you're sitting there scratching your balls/vag, you are more than likely not going to seem that attractive.. Either you just haven't showered and it's just some natural dirt build up, or you've got some sort of STD that is causing your nether-regions to itch something awful.. So either way, you're fucked.. And not in the good way that we all know and love..

And damn it I'm going to make this final declaration.. I fucking hate christmas music! I mean jesus christ, do I really have to listen to Bing Crosby singing Silent Night, Holy Night for 2 months?? Seriously, I think I could deal with it if, on Christmas Day, I listened to it.. But that's one day out of the year.. That I think I could handle.. And before anyone bitches that I'm being a scrooge on the holidays and i should count my blessings, go fuck yourself.. I am very happy that I don't have cancer, that I have a job, that I have a home, all that shit.. I am very grateful to myself for providing myself with that stuff.. Though if I did have cancer, or no job, or no home, these blogs could get significantly more interesting.. Hmm... And less frequent, cuz then I probably wouldn't have a computer or internet access, so I'd have to stalk Starbucks and use someone's computer while they're in the john..

Well anyway, that's the end of today's rant.. Wasn't really a rant, but whatever.. Happy holidays bitches! Be safe!

the weekend cure-all

2008-12-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

So Friday was one of the roughest days I've had in a while.. I'm pretty sure I seriously considered jumping in front of a freight train on numerous occasions.. I guess it could've been worse.. I suppose someone I know could've called me to tell me they have some terminal illness or something awful like that... But no, it was just a god-awful, shitty fucking day.. Nothing like an awesome weekend to turn things around!

Friday night I got fucked up and threw snowballs at teddy bears, cars and Eric's walls.. We set fire to a doll.. We played single-shot-nerf-gun-spin-and-shoot... Oh and we broke through a flimsy kid's easle, and Eric's buddy thinks he broke his hand.. I say impossible because that thing was like punching through wet cardboard.. Shit Eric and I went for 4 layers at some point, like fucking Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, he throws down? True story... Anyway, there's a bunch of hilarious videos up now of this eventful evening, check out them out here:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&channelID=408764405

Saturday I spent with Kate's family.. Talk about immersion! haha It was great though, ate a shit ton of awesome food (that stuffing was the shizzle), drank a bunch of beers and had a bunch of laughs.. Her grandma threatened me with a knife at one point, and her aunt yelled at me because she thought I was talking about Bloomington, not Bloomingdale... Hilarious shit.. I was just trying to get directions to the highway, next thing I know I'm being scolded.. hahahaha well yeah, that's my life.. Try to do one thing, get yelled at about something almost unrelated.. hahaha good times..

Oh and last night we got drunk again, down in the city... Got scolded by some gay bartender about ordering Irish Car Bombs.. Apparently they had just had some meeting and decided they'd no longer serve them... Yet Kate was able to get a Jager Bomb AND a Miller Lite????!!! Yeah, that makes sense.. So the rest of us were like, "Ok, let's have 4 Guinneses, 4 shots of Jameson, and 4 shots of Bailey's..." But the bartender was on to our scheme... Damn him... But seriously, if you're going to serve one person a Jager bomb and a beer at the same time, surely you can deal up some Car Bombs there, barkeep.. Ahh well, I had a Guinness instead and it was good..

Oh man on the way back we stopped at the Des Plaines Oasis, because apparently eric and i are getting old and frequently have to pee.. I wonder if I should invest in some FloMax.. Anyway, so we go to McDonald's, and this guy is bitching up a storm about how it took 5 minutes to get his coffee.. I mean he's throwing a genuine temper tantrum.. What a little bitch that guy was.. I think we were both really close to saying something, but he just shuffled out in a pissy huff..

Ok this blog is retarded.. No poop stories.. Oh jesus, speaking of poop... I gotta go!!

driving through marshmallow fluff

2008-12-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell! Was that the cold, icy circle in Dante's Inferno? I can never remember.. It doesn't really matter, the point is it's fucking cold and shitty.. Anyway, it's not so much cold outside, but this snow is fucking nuts.. Unfortunately, it's that wet, icy snow that just makes everything wet and nasty, rather than that lighter, fluffier snow that you can mold into snowballs that are stronger than the titanium they use on the space shuttles and pelt people with them... Or go skiing on, whichever you prefer.. Me, I'm an asshole, so I'd prefer to cause injury.. hahaha jk jk

This morning started off pretty shitty.. Amazingly, I was able to get all this shit off of my car with little incident, so I thought things were looking up.. Then I hit up the starbucks on the way to work... Dicks... Then, the two main roads that make up 80% of my commute are covered in this slushy, shitty, sticky, slippery, sucky fucking shit that meteorologists refer to as a "Wintery Mix." Sounds cute and fluffy, right? WRONG! Apparently a "wintery mix" is code for "you're fucked! enjoy your commutes assholes!" Have you ever had that marshmallow fluff shit they sell in jars at the grocery store? Imagine if a giant tanker of that spilled out on the road and no one cleaned it up... Yeah, it's like driving through that..

And of course, as usual, work sucks my balls... Not in the cool way that will eventually make me spurt, but in the uncomfortable way that makes my balls and shaft regress into my body, making me look not unlike a chick or a post-op tranny.. Like in HS, if you ever got a beej from a chick with braces.. Dangerous games.. Or the one time I actually did zip up my cock a little in my jeans zipper... It wasn't at all like "There's Something About Mary" where one nut was hanging out on top of a little fleshy section of dong.. But let me tell you, it fucking hurt like hell.. I think I just grazed it too, cuz there was no broken skin or bleeding or anything like that, but my god I can't imagine the pain if it were any worse.. It's weird how funny that scene was in the movie, yet how tragically unfunny it is when it actually happened to me... But I bet a few of you got a laugh out of it... Hmm, it's all about perspective..

strange folk

2008-12-18T07:19:00.001-08:00

Man, I was just thinking about the days when I was in restaurants and really living the dream. There's always a plethora of interesting characters that you get to interact with on a nightly basis.

This one time, as we were about to close up for the night, these two older ladies came in and wanted a quick bite to eat. When I say older, I mean like mid-30's, which at the time I would've considered older since I was only 18 or 19 when this happened. Really not the point.. Anyway, they're pretty hot for older chicks, probably both married but whatever, so I tell them we can make some tacos or some bullshit like that, but the full menu wouldn't be available. Now, this was in Naperville, so I was expecting them to play the typical Naperville-mom role and bitch up a storm.. Oh no, they were quite grateful, so I showed them to their seats and got some tacos going for them.. So they're sitting there eating their tacos, and I'm doing my side work (for those of you NOT familiar with the trials and tribulations of restaurant closing duties, that basically means you get to sit there and roll silverware into napkins, marry ketchups [fill one bottle with the remains of a different bottle], clean up your stations and blow the cook... What?? You're not supposed to blow the cook? Son of a bitch.. Fucking Mexicans..).. Anyway, so I'm sitting at one of the tables by these chicks, working on my silverware and marrying ketchups in my most seductive manner possible (there's nothing seductive about that process; it's akin to two gay guys "docking" minus the sleeve... check urbandictionary.com if you don't know what docking is), when one of them asks me to be a mediator in a discussion they were having.. Long story short, they asked me if it was ok for women to have boy toys, much in the same way men act as sugardaddies to what basically amounts to whores.. Seriously, if you are fucking a dude for his money, you are a whore (same goes for you guys that are with older chicks for money). I don't care how you slice it, you are both consenting to what amounts to prostitution and you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Damn, I digress again.. There's really not an awesome ending to this story unfortunately... I think the only way this story could end on an awesome note is if I banged both of those chicks in a wild drunken three-way.. Didn't happen.. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps things would've been different.. Maybe not, who knows..

I was working at this bar in Naperville one time (different place from the clever little anecdote you just enjoyed) and this patron asked me to sell him weed.. Hahaha I was like dude, are you fucking kidding? Even if I smoked weed, I wouldn't sell some random bar douche (who was alone, mind you) some drugs.. I wonder if he was undercover.. Come to think of it, that would make sense.. Hmm, I may have made a really good decision that night.. Cuz god knows if I was stupid, I could've gotten him some shit.. Spoiler alert: almost everyone that works in restaurants and/or bars gets high or drunk on a regular basis.. Like every night.. At work, after work, days off, whatever... Restaurant workers are quite fond of inebriation of any variety. It's rarely a stressful job, maybe a few hours a night on Friday/Saturday dinner shifts, but fuck, it's VERY conducive to wanting to get fucked up.. Maybe being surrounded by booze and drunks all day and night... We used to get these weekend-warrior-types that would come in on Sunday mornings and get completely annihilated on bloody marys from like 10am until 5pm.. It was like their day job on Sundays.. And let me tell you, they were certainly good at it..

I was the middle man of a fight there one time.. This guy in my section asked me to send some other dude a Shirley Temple (7up or sprite and grenadine, which is a cherry syrup.. basically makes Cherry 7up... grenadine and coke = dank cherry coke... you get the idea). I should've figured he was being a dick... He's one of those guys that, nowadays, you'd see wearing an Affliction shirt, looking like a fucking douche at the bar.. Yeah, I said it.. Affliction shirts are fucking stupid and they should all be gathered into a pile and burned, along with anyone that buys them.. Burn you douches, burn!!! But anyway, I figure this other dude is someone he knows and he's just messing with him, so I bring it out.. Turns out, they don't know each other, and the recipient proceeds to beat the shit out of my customer.. I felt bad at the time, but looking back I'm pretty sure he deserved it.. Moral of the story, don't insult someone you don't know at a bar unless you are ready to fight him.. Or her, if you're either a dude that likes to beat up chicks or a chick that likes to beat up chicks.. Mmmm.... Chick on chick action... hahahaha

a fine line between being a dick and a bubbly fucker

2008-12-16T06:10:00.000-08:00

So I'm a big fan of Starbucks.. Call me a yuppy, call me stuffy, call me what you will, but man those Black Eyes really get me going in the morning. But I've recently experienced a unique phenomenon at the store by my place; every employee there is a fucking prick. It's weird, I know. Most Starbucks you go to there's some 40 year old woman that acts like she's a 14 year old girl hopped up on Red Bull and coke.. Most greetings go something like, "HI! Welcome to Starbucks! Would you like to try a Double Mocha Macchiato Skinny Latte with Soy Milk and No Foam?" or some other coffee drink that takes a degree in physics to order.. But the people at my Starbucks, they can't be bothered to look up from their cash register or espresso machine long enough to flash a smile or even nod a hello. I know it's 7am, but fuck, you work at Starbucks.. I'm pretty sure it's kinda their thing.. In all honesty, I think I'd rather be barraged by fake happiness rather than honest disdain. At least they're trying to be cheerful, even if in the back of their mind they're thinking about all the shit they have to deal with in their lives or at their jobs. This old dude at the store I go to, he's just a fucking prick.

And speaking of physics degrees to order coffee, I was once at a Starbucks and this guy in front of me actually ordered a coffee like that but at a very specific temperature... Really? I mean Jesus Christ, it's not a fucking ham. You're not going to get e coli from a cup of coffee.. I'm sure he thought it was the perfect drinking temperature, but whatever.. It's coffee, it's hot, deal with it. Remember that one dummy that sued McDonald's because the coffee was too hot? Yeah, that's the kinda world we live in; dummies make the rules, and the rest of us sit here and wonder what the fuck is going on.

Oh well, short one today.. Off to deal with amazingly, improbably retarded people.. The kind of people that, when they speak, you often wonder, "how are you able to function on a daily basis?" You know the kind of which I speak..

You're Dancing Your Way Straight to Helll!!

2008-12-15T06:15:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I don't want to be one of those bloggers that grabs content from someone else, dumps it in here, and comments on it as though my thoughts and ideas are not only unique and original, but pertinent to your daily lives.. But today, I will be that guy. You've gotta see this:

Check this out

Before I get into the meat of this, understand something.. I don't care if you're Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist.. I just don't care.. But what I can't stand are these fundamentalist, conservative assholes that believe that everything mankind does, everything that makes life worth living, is evil. I can just imagine some Baptist pastor giving his potty-training child a copy of "You're a Naughty Child and That's Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside" so he can learn to shit on the toilet, in His sight..

In college, there used to be these preachers that would hang out in the commons and sermonize. I think they were Baptist, but I also don't think it really matters. Sure, Baptists are pretty fundamental, but I'm sure some of them know how to party.. Ok, probably not, but whatever, I'm willing to bet most of them aren't pricks. Anyway, these guys were fucking crazy. First of all, there were always 2 preachers at least, and on occasion, their families joined them! How fun, right kids?! Here's how I envision this going down:

"Daddy, I want to go to school and play with the other children!"
"But the other children are pagans and will burn in the depths of Hell for eternity. You don't want God to think you are one of them, do you?"
(Child looks wistfully out the window)
"No, I suppose not."

It's like a dick version of Ned Flanders. At least Ned had a slight sense of humor about his own Bible-banging ways.. These preachers, though, were all business. A couple notable memories of these guys and their wacky antics:

1) During one especially rousing sermon on abortion, in which the preachers claimed all female college students were whores and all male college students were pimps, one of the preachers took a 6 foot long poster of an aborted fetus and ran up to a group of kids (I'm talking like 3rd graders) and was yelling, "don't kill our future!" or something to that effect... First of all, not ALL college females are whores, because I tried to bang a bunch of them, and, even after offering to pay, I still got shot down, so that disproves that theory. Second, not all male students could be pimps; most of the dudes I knew were poor, so either they weren't pimps or they just weren't very good at pimping. And third, do you REALLY need to show a group of 3rd graders a fetus that looks like the Bay Harbor Butcher got a hold of it?

2) During a speech on discipline, the preachers claimed that we (the students) all turned out like shit due to bad parenting and poor discipline.. According to these guys, if you aren't hitting your kids or verbally abusing them on a regular basis, you aren't doing your job as a parent. It's true, you know.. If Little Johnny ends up with a few bruises, just use the old "he fell down the stairs" excuse.. And then beat him when he gets home for bruising so easily.. One guy stood up and told them that his dad never hit him and he turned out just fine.. One of the preachers called his dad a pussy.. A PUSSY!! Do you believe that shit? The balls on this guy...

But anyway, back to the whole point of this.. That lady is really going to hell for dancing? If I were god, I'd send the guy in the picture on the right to hell for being a smug fuck. What ever happened to the whole philosophy of man not judging his fellow man? And don't be a feminist bitch about that sentence, I wrote it like that for simplicity. I hate people that use "he/she" or "his/her".. Shut the fuck up with your women's lib bullshit. I digress.. I really have to imagine that, if god does exist, he is not stupid enough to send someone to hell for dancing. Though according to Rev. Falwell, dancing leads to all sorts of other fun activities like sex, drug use, drinking, smoking and *gasp* more dancing! This may very well be the least thought out slippery slope fallacy I've ever heard.. Plus, he's got it backwards.. Most of the time, drinking and drug use leads to dancing, not the other way around.. Who out there is like, "man, I've danced my ass off.. better eat some X"? No sir, I'm quite sure it's never gone down like that.

I wonder if the term Bible-banger has any roots in reality.. Do you think there's a bible somewhere with a hole cut into it with the stains of KY around the edges? I bet someone's gone there.. Ewww the papercuts.. Well, couldn't be any worse than being a heroin junkie that's run out of veins, so he pops a boner just so he can shoot it in the 'ole Blue Vein.. Gangrenous weiners are gross.. But any junkie that shows that kind of commitment deserves an award, like a Boy Scout badge of honor or something, maybe the key to the city.. I dunno, but there should definitely be an event of some sort. Whatever, you know you'd want to hear about it.

drinking until i have old football injuries

2008-12-12T05:57:00.000-08:00

So the bailout was denied, that's good news.. That's all I'm going to say about it because otherwise I will have to lick Eric's cobra, which I am not at all looking forward to.. I bet he'd be a dick and let it stew unwashed for a week just to make it that much worse..

Anyway, I'm ridiculously hung over this morning, yet somehow in a pretty decent mood.. My head is throbbing, pulsing in places I didn't know blood even flowed.. And I swear to god I think I injured myself last night, but I don't remember crashing into anything.. And before anyone says "oh that's because you were drunk," no, I wasn't black-out drunk last night.. But now my shoulder is all fucked up like I aggravated an old college football injury.. The fucked up part is I didn't play football in college, so who knows what's going on with my shoulder today.. All I know is it hurts like hell, my brain is throbbing in strange places, and I know at some point in the very near future I'm going to have some nasty beer shits..

Speaking of which, what is it about lots of beer, and really alcohol in general, that makes you shit something fierce? I'm really curious now.. The stretch of innards from my stomach all the way to my butthole is just churning today.. And I'm kinda gassy too now, so I'm gonna be farting all day, and hang-over farts smell like death.. Last time this happened, which wasn't that long ago if you can believe it, I farted in my office and it was so bad I had to go outside.. You know you're in bad shape when you can't stand the smell of your own farts.. Not that my other farts smell like peaches, but after 28 years of dealing out my own butt-stink-bombs, you kinda get used to the regular ones.. They become like warm familiar blankets.. Not really, but you know what I mean.. Maybe I'm on my own on this one.. But hang-over farts, and shits for that matter, are just pure concentrated evil. Oh and throw some coffee on top of that.. I'm surprised I haven't shit yet.. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast this morning, I'd probably be in pretty bad shape..

And, Mr. Wilferd Brimley, learn how to pronounce diabetes properly.. And don't give me that "tomatoes, tomahtoes" bullshit.. You can stick that in a sack mister.. Or up your ass, I don't really give a shit which.. Go back to your Quaker Oats.. Or do a duo with John Ratzenberger about the importance of buying American... I dunno why I always associate those two, but I do.. It's because my mind is fucked up, but don't tell anyone.. Shit, cat's out of the bag..

people are idiots

2008-12-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on in this country? I say this country because I'm not well traveled beyond the contiguous 48 states.. But there definitely seems to be an air of entitlement in our society that is destroying us from the inside out, and NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE IT!! It's very disturbing; this country used to have a hard-working attitude that made us what we are. In the 1940's, we sling-shot right past the rest of the world in terms of manufacturing because we were able to come together as a (wait for it) UNITED country.. We were in a war, and the only reason we won is because we worked together (the most tangible evidence are the war machines and other manufactured items we churned out of our factories).

Now, we have auto manufacturers that have run their businesses into the ground for a million different reasons, not the least of which is greedy fucking executives looking for their handouts, and they expect a bailout? Fuck you! I work for a small manufacturer in Illinois... So, if we start hemorrhaging money like these auto makers, will the government even consider giving us money? No, because we have a minimal effect on the economy.. But you know what, at least we're not plunging the economy into the Dark Ages.

And why in the hell is the guy driving the fork lift making $85k per year? Or the guy putting lug nuts on the wheels making $20-something per hour? Are these people educated attorneys? Apparently I'm in the wrong business... Oh wait, that's right, I have a fucking conscience that prohibits me from getting something for nothing.. Fuck me...

I feel very alone in the world when it comes to this.. Welfare, unemployment, labor unions... The list of programs originally intended to help EXPLOITED people are now the butt of jokes... The programs themselves are now being exploited. We don't need fucking labor unions anymore. Children are not working in factories for 20 hours a day, getting paid in bread crumbs, and losing limbs to heavy machinery. Lower class workers are now protected from the tyranny of upper management, not by labor unions, but by law. And now the labor unions are "working with" the auto makers to help relieve some of the financial burdens.. It's a little fucking late guys.. Did anyone ever stop and say, "hmm, this doesn't look right." No, they got fat and happy suckling the teet of society, and now that we're in one of the worst financial crises in modern America, they want to come to the table and look like a hero... "We'll give back!" they say.. It's too fucking late guys.. You can't just undo 40 years of shitty decision making with a snap of the fingers and expect the taxpayers to bail you fucking assholes out..

You know what, WE'VE BEEN BAILING YOU OUT FOR 40 YEARS AS CONSUMERS! That $20,000 car should probably be worth around $10k, but then how will you pay the forklift operator $85k per year? Hmm...

Well, I'm done.. Enough ranting today. This world is fucked and there's very little anyone can do about it. Unfortunately, these fucking people that feel so entitled are in the majority now... Only the minority wants to work hard and contribute to society in exchange for fair compensation. And in this country, majority rules. So we're fucked. Happy Thursday everyone.

Blag is going DOWN!!

2008-12-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

So we Illinois-ians got some awesome news yesterday.. Apparently our Governor is a shady crook.. Can you say deja vu? Our last governor isn't even out of prison for the shady shit he was doing, and now our current governor is facing some pretty serious charges... Awesome.. No wonder people don't trust politicians... So far, here's a few things I've heard:

1) was essentially auctioning Barak Obama's empty senate seat... Apparently the governor has the power to appoint someone to the seat, and he was taking what amounts to bribes to fill it.. He actually told an aide that if he doesn't get enough money for it, he'd just take the seat himself.. so either further his own political career and set himself up for even bigger fish later, or take a hefty buyout now.. The balls on this guy...

2) tried to get a bunch of people on the Tribune's board of editors fired.. I guess they were printing some pretty bad stuff about the governor, and he didn't like that.. Now, before anyone gets all defensive, what they were printing wasn't libelous or slanderous.. It was the truth, which, as far as I understand it, is open for printing.. Any journalists out there that can verify?

3) threatened to withhold $8 million in funding to the Children's Memorial Hospital if he didn't get a $50k payout.. Seriously? You're going to withhold money from dying children so you can line your own pocket? Man, and I thought I had a one way ticket to hell...

Now, here's the funny part... I guess the Feds have recordings of all of this shit.. And this morning, Blag's attorney actually appears on TV with this gem:

"Governor Blagojevich believes he hasn't done anything wrong and that he will be vindicated."

Dude, your dumb-shit client was recorded talking to numerous people about this shit, and he was blatantly engaged in some pretty serious criminal activities.. In a word, he's fucked... But have fun with that trial!

On a much lighter side note, I had the best DMV experience ever yesterday... I know, sounds weird, right? Yeah I was in and out of that place in less than 10 minutes.. Got a new DL and state ID, so now I'm ready for some bar hopping as soon as it stops snowing so damn much.... People are idiots when it snows here.. It's like they've never seen these magical white flakes and lose all ability to function while driving.. Have you ever been to LA when it rains? Yeah, it's kinda like that.. People in LA are fucking idiots when it comes to driving.. Last time I was out there (I believe the same trip I met Danny Glover) there was a light drizzle and BAM! gridlock... I asked the cabbie if traffic was usually this bad (it was only like 2 or 3 in the afternoon, so it couldn't have been rush hour) and he said, "no, it's raining." I'm like "are you kidding?" Then he gives me this look like, "yeah, duh, don't you see the spots on the window?" I wanted to punch him right in the mouth... Obviously I know it's raining at this moment you dip shit... I just didn't realize people in LA seize up when moisture falls from the sky.. *sigh* I fucking hate LA... can you tell?

back by popular demand

2008-12-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

Well guys, sorry it's been a while. I would love to say that I was out in Tibet mountain climbing, or maybe in Hawaii sitting on a beach with some sort of frozen fruit drink that requires one of those little umbrellas (or maybe a Mai Tai!!), or even in Pittsburgh with no internet access, but those would all be lies.. The plain and simple truth is I've been freaking lazy about this. Oh, and I didn't have anything worth saying.. Then again, do I ever? Eh, maybe..

I did write one up on Thursday last week, but it was mostly angry and depressing, so I just gave up. It was mostly about how tired I am of so many things... I mean this thing was a bitch fest to end all bitch fests.. Even I was like, 'dude, quit your bitching already!' And that's bad, when you bitch so much that even YOU are tired of hearing about it.. Fuck..

But anyway things are looking up.. My job still makes me want to strangle premature pygmy hippos, but besides that, I can't really bitch. My parents are actually making an effort to see me this Christmas, which is nice because prior to that they would just bitch and moan that I wasn't going to see them.. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, they are trying to sell their house, so like 2 months ago when I could get decent airfare, they had no idea where they'd be in December... Now, like 2-3 weeks beforehand, they're like, 'oh, we'll be here.. are you coming out?' Yeah, sure, I'll just donate my kidney and maybe my left teste (the right one is the strong one anyway) so I can buy a fucking plane ticket.. *sigh* But yeah, I'm excited to see them.. It was going to be a really depressing holiday this year, but things seem to be coming together nicely.. Now I just need to cover my booze requirements and I'll be good to go.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping.. I avoid it like the plague.. Or like ET in Family Guy when he wouldn't touch Tom Hanks because Tom Hanks had AIDS... Much like that.. I hate Christmas shopping.. I hate Christmas music.. I do like lights though, but that's probably because I get so wasted all the time that they seem take on a magical life of their own.. I like it when they dance.. What's wrong with me? I was going to go shopping yesterday, but 8:30 rolled around and I wasn't about to start shopping at 8:30pm.. Maybe I'll just do everything online this year.. Part of me feels mildly guilty for being lazy about it, but on the other hand, is a gift any more special if I deal with crowded stores, grouchy assholes, annoying kids, Christmas music, and all that jazz just to get you a gift? Nah, I didn't think so.. It's the thought that counts, not the effort, right? Maybe I'll make gifts out of construction paper, glue and glitter... Ooo I could enjoy a few glue bags that way... Hahaha jk jk... no i'm not... haha

Welcome to my mind... Be afraid.. Be very afraid

2008-12-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Welcome, all, to my blog.. It's origins are deeply rooted in Welsh mythology.. Actually, that's not true.. I just feel like blogging, and if you feel like reading, well then all is right with the world.

Many of the posts that go up right away are from my myspace blog, so if you've read them there, no need to read them here (so from 9/10 through 12/3). I'll start posting new ones here tomorrow.

harry fucking gordon selfridge

2008-12-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

Harry Gordon Selfridge.. 1858-1947.. Thank god that guy is gone.. You know the expression "the customer is always right"? Yeah, we have that douche bag to thank for that.. This all goes back to that sense of entitlement thing I talked about WAY back when I first started this blog (yeah like a whole two months ago... LONG long time ago).. You know what, the customer is NOT always right, but since we've ingrained this (I can't believe I'm about to use this word) paradigm so deeply in modern business relationships, customers parade around like fucking peacocks spreading their feathers and think that whatever they want goes and fuck all else.

Now, understand something very important.. I'm not at all suggesting that businesses treat customers like shit. Far from it, that would be counterproductive for everyone because everyone would be getting fucked over. I'm simply suggesting that as customers, we not act like the world owes us something. It doesn't. Feel free to ask, it's your right as an American (America, FUCK YEAH!), just don't bitch and moan like a mom on Christmas Eve looking for the newest Tickle-Me-Elmo doll for her shitty brat child at home..

Besides, what kind of name is Harry Gordon Selfridge? Is he a serial killer? Maybe an assassin? Seriously, who goes by all three names unless you are one of those two, or just some self-righteous fuck that started a couple department stores in England. Kudos, Mr. Selfridge, I hope you are burning in hell.

And speaking of Christmas shopping, anyone that goes out on Black Friday needs to be dragged out to the street and shot repeatedly. Stop this fucking madness already! People are getting trampled, shot, stabbed and beaten just so they can get their hands on some stupid toy.. Notice it's never someone getting stabbed over something vital or useful, like a blender or a vacuum, but it's for a PS3 or a Tickle-Me-Elmo or a Cabbage Patch Kid (wow, I'm old...).. This shit has got to stop.. Some parting words of advice: shop online, save yourself the headache, and fuck those crowds... Seriously, the madness we witness every year after Thanksgiving reminds me of that commercial on Family Guy for the Best Thing Ever (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/1030608/).. Thank god for Family Guy.

enough with the snow already

2008-12-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

First decent snowfall and I'm already over it.. What a pity. The thing I probably hate most about the winter is it is just barely light out when I get to work, and it's usually getting dark by the time I leave. I feel like a fucking vampire, though I don't feel dead inside, and I do have a reflection.. Oh, and I like garlic.. Ok, so I'm not a vampire. That's the good news. The bad news? I fucking hate winter! It was cool as a kid when you could run around and white-wash people (or get white-washed, depending on your perspective) or throw snowballs or go sledding. Now if I do that, I have angry parents calling the cops on me. How was I supposed to know it's inappropriate for me to white-wash little Johnny? What kind of world do we live in?

You know what would be sweet? Have a shit ton of money and just go to Mexico for the winter.. Or any place warm.. Maybe I'll just move to Mexico permanently.. I like Mexicans, I like their food, I like their climate... The only thing I don't like is their music, and even that makes me bob my head occasionally, so maybe it's not all that bad.. Except the nylon guitar strings.. Who the hell uses nylon? And don't say mariachi bands..

Besides migrating, another nice option for the winter would be hibernation.. I'd love to stock up my apartment with food and water and then sleep from mid-November through, oh, March-ish... I love sleep.. I need to figure out how to make a decent living by sleeping.. I doubt it's possible, unless I become a guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies.. Which would be cool, 'cause then I'd get some sweet drugs that knock me out.. Hmm.. New career path? Perhaps...

Anyways.. Pretty much everyone I know that reads this is an adult by now, if only by the legal definition.. Anyone else getting tired of adulthood yet? I understand that we all have some deep-rooted social obligation to not be leeches on the teat of society, and I'm certainly willing to go along with it and do my part, but man does it fucking suck sometimes. Is this really what life is supposed to be? An endless procession of similarly-themed days (wake up, shower, work, go home, sleep, repeat) with the occasional weekend debauchery? Maybe that's why I like partying during the week too... My work week is usually aggravating and frankly makes me want to punch a kitten in the mouth.. Any PETA people read this? Yeah? Good, because I like making fur carpets out of bear hides.. So yeah...

Fuck I'm bored... This day is gonna drag, I can see it already.. Oh well, back to it I guess.

turkeys, museums and snow

2008-12-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

So another Thanksgiving has come and gone and, admittedly, this was probably one of my all-time favorites.. As much as I miss my family, hanging out with good friends on Thanksgiving was really sweet. We made a shit ton of food, drank from 10am to about midnight and watched a bunch of TV.. Oh yeah, and the Lions lost.. Big fuckin' surprise.. Who saw that coming? Oh, yeah, pretty much anyone who knows anything about football.. *sigh* I wish they'd stop parading the Lions and the Cowboys out for the Thanksgiving games every year.. The Lions have been irrelevant for years and the Cowboys just aren't America's Team anymore.. Ok enough football.. Does anyone really care? Probably not.. And did anyone watch the Macy's parade? yeah, me neither..

Speaking of the parade, I'd like to know who chooses the floats.. I mean, they had the fucking Rugrats as a float this year... Is that even a show anymore? And why is Santa in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? I didn't realize he operated on T-Day.. I really hate how spread out the Christmas season is nowadays.. Christmas music has been playing since the beginning of November for god's sake.. Is that really necessary? Is that supposed to get me into the spirit of the holidays? 'Cuz it doesn't work.. In fact, it mostly just angers me.. I dunno, maybe I'm just a scrooge.. It's messed up, because I like Christmas, whether it's spent with friends or family.. But I fucking HATE Christmas music.. I'm gonna put a temporary ban on 93.9 being played in my car (haha Kate, take that!).. I really should just make it a permanent ban, because I don't even want to listen to that station when it's not playing Christmas music.. I feel like I'm in the waiting room at the dentist office every time I hear Genesis or any other Phil Collins' or Peter Gabriel work.. Eww..

Anyways, I spent a pleasant afternoon at the Museum of Science & Industry on Sunday.. That place is sweet.. Way better than the Adler Planetarium (which, by the way, has absolutely NO information on its namesake, Max Adler).. The exhibits at MSI are so much more interactive and hands-on, which is especially nice for kids that feel the need to touch everything they see. Can't say I blame them, I found myself entranced more than a few times by the touch-screen magic.. You could even program a robot to dance... Wonder if you could program one to blow you? I bet some nerdy scientific type somewhere has tried and probably has the scars to prove it.. He shoulda rigged it with a pocket vagina... Stupid scientist...

And yeah, it's snowing already! I went out to have a smoke last night, and it was snowing harder than blow falling out of Tony Montana's nose at the end of Scarface.. Only 6 more months of this to go! Who's with me! Fuck...

Ok, well work is starting to anger me, so before I start taking it out on this blog, I'm gonna call it a day.. Sorry this one was lame.. Gotta get back into the swing of things.

somone really needs to explain this to me

2008-11-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've thought about this before, but never received a satisfactory explanation... Perhaps my evil crew of superior intellects (and that's you, dear readers) can help me out here... This came up yesterday at lunch with Eric, and he's on board with me, so he was no help hahaha

How is a career as a porn star any different than prostitution? Seriously, are they really that different? Let's look at the similarities:

Porn Stars: get paid to have sex
Prostitutes: get paid to have sex
Porn Stars: have a "manager" (basically a pimp getting her fuck-gigs)
Prostitutes: have a "pimp" (basically a manager getting her fuck-gigs)
Porn Stars: have co-stars they like to perform with
Prostitutes: have regular Johns they like to perform with ("like" may be too strong a word here)
Porn Stars: get tested regularly for STDs
Prostitutes: get tested regularly for STDs, at least in countries where it's legal and regulated

So I ask, how is porn different than prostitution? Why is porn legal and prostitution not? I'm not suggesting we criminalize pornography... Far from it, I'm an avid fan of the internet for a few reasons, and one of the top three is free internet porn.. And I'm not necessarily suggesting we decriminalize prostitution.. This isn't Europe after all; Americans are prudes.. I was just mulling this over and hoping one of you could offer a decent explanation..

So Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and no this isn't a rehash of my "I'm Thankful For" list... I'm just excited.. Gonna meet Eric's special lady friend, Kate's coming over at some point, the boys are cooking (we've got a fucking awesome menu to cook up), we're chilling at my place so we can be loud and rowdy on Thanksgiving.. Good times! We're making turkey, stuffing, cheesy mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.. Oh and rolls, cuz you have to have rolls on Thanksgiving.. I'm pretty sure some long-bearded Jew scribed it into a stone way back in the day, right after "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Possessions." It's the 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Have Rolls on Thanksgiving".. And yes, I know the time line doesn't make any sense.. Moses was a time-traveler.. Didn't you know that? Silly geese.. Fucking Charlton Heston... Bet he got his share of prostitutes.. He was a gun-guy after all...

Well that's it.. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I'll try to keep the blogs coming tomorrow and Friday as usual, but I'm not promising anything!

NEW DEVELOPMENT (thanks Eric!!):
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/08/12/colb.pornography/index.html

Ok, check this article out about Prostitution vs. Porn... Hilarious... Some of my favorite excerpts (excerpts in italics, responses follow):

"Most distributors of pornography would express shock at the prospect of being prosecuted for promoting prostitution. Under Miller v. California, as long as a work, taken as a whole, has "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value," the First Amendment protects its distribution. Given this legal principle, how could pornography be criminal, in the way that prostitution is?"

Really?? How is "Hot Tits and Black Cocks 9" considered serious literally, artistically, politically or scientifically valuable? Maybe that Pirates of the Caribbean spoof because that at least had some acting and production value..

What this means is that the people who have sex for the camera are actors, and acting -- unlike drug-dealing or prostitution -- is part of what falls within the protection of the First Amendment.

Are porn stars really considered actors? Seriously? What about the chick in the Slam Van? Boy, what a rough day she had.. Her life's struggles really show through, especially in that scene where the guy is smashing her face into the window while he's pounding her... C'mon.... Again, I may make a concession on higher quality productions, again like the Pirates movie, because they at least put forth some effort to weave a story, even if it is the most ridiculous thing ever.. Most porn though, let's face it, is about the Bang Bang, the spurt, and the credits..

It's almost certain that on its current precedents, the U.S. Supreme Court would hold that garden-variety pornographic actors are indeed engaged in First-Amendment-protected activity, so long as obscenity is not involved.

This is maybe my favorite part... "So long as obscenity is not involved." Ok, US Supreme Court justices, let's think about this one... IT'S A FUCKING PORNO!! OF COURSE THERE IS OBSCENITY!! Pull your fucking heads out of your asses.. Again, I'm all for porn, god knows I've looked at my fair share over the years, but I don't sit there and pretend it's not obsene.. Guys slapping their cocks on chicks's tits and spooging on their faces is obscene, I don't care how liberal you think you are.

Ok that's the end of this one. Have a happy Thanksgiving! hahahaha (what a strange way to end that discussion)

angrily shaking my fist at everyone i see

2008-11-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's another shitty day.. Oh well, it's a short week, I suppose I should just get over it and move on. Maybe I'll leave early today! Sweet...

So I'm fucked on Friday... I get to work for 4 hours the day after Thanksgiving! Wheee!!! How kick ass is that? Yeah, it isn't at all.. Oh, and the cherry on top: I have to be at work at 6am!! Hooray for me! Hooray for holidays! Fuck... I'm quickly growing tired of covering for people I work with, especially when I know they wouldn't do the same for me.. I don't know why I do it.. It's not some desire to impress my bosses, because I could give two shits what they think if I don't want to work on a holiday... It's not some self-motivation thing, because we ALL know I am not a very motivated person, especially lately when it comes to work.. It's not the pay, because I'm quite sure I'm not gonna get any more money for those 4 hours.. Maybe I'm a self-loathing masochist.. That's really the only logical explanation for my work habits.. Luckily, it only seems to be in my professional life, because I have pretty healthy relationships with friends and family.. I only let work torture me... So I guess that's something.. I should do something about that.. Maybe tomorrow..

Slept on the couch again last night.. I really wonder why I do that.. My bed is comfortable as hell, yet whenever I'm home alone, I tend to just sleep on the couch like I'm at a camp-out.. There's something comforting about it, yet something incredibly lonely about it.. Like some 50-year-old bachelor that passes out in an armchair watching infomercials every night because he has no one.. Fuck I hope I don't end up like that.. I guess I have a ways to go, and considering I'm only 28 (yes, Kate, I'm an old man, I know hahaha) I guess I shouldn't worry about it too much right now.. But fuck, if I end up like that, I'm gonna be pissed.. Gotta keep an eye on that situation...

Oh, on a lighter side note, I found quite possibly the greatest game ever last night:
http://www.bored.com/games/play/344/Hobo.html.

You really should check it out, it's funny as hell.. It's like Double Dragon (the old bad ass NES version, not those cheap knockoffs on SNES), but it's this nasty ass hobo that has the greatest special moves in the world... He poops, pukes, blows snot rockets, farts, and all other great bodily functions.. Truly classless, truly timeless.. So enjoy.. Maybe I'll play for a little bit to get my mind off of this pinnacle of shitty work days.. Yeah, I think I will..

big farts hurt my butt

2008-11-24T11:07:00.000-08:00

I was gonna write something about the farts I'm experiencing this morning, but I'm willing to bet most of you would be grossed out by it.. Suffice to say they are quite pungent today.. Stayed up until 3 or 4am last night snacking on a bunch of crap and now I'm all torn up.. Dunno why I stayed up late, there was no good reason for it.. Just didn't feel like sleeping.. I should've, cuz I'm tired as hell now, but fuck it.. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

So Thanksgiving is right around the corner.. Anyone have any big plans? Thanksgiving is kick ass.. You can gorge yourself on some of the dankest food you'll eat all year and no one will think less of you.. Ahh, sweet sweet gluttony.. You know, there's always been this weird tradition (if you can even call it a tradition) that on Thanksgiving, women are supposed to cook and men are supposed to sit around watching football.. Now I'm not gonna get all Fem Nazi Women's Lib on you, cuz god knows I think they're an inferior species (hahah jk jk), but I say that's bullshit.. Guys, if you can cook, get off your ass and help out.. Or shit, cook the meal yourself.. Chicks dig guys that can cook, and learning your way around a cooking device that doesn't involve propane or charcoal isn't a bad idea.. It doesn't make you any less of a man to know how to use an oven.. And really, do you need to watch the Lions play on Thanksgiving? Spoiler alert: they're gonna fucking lose!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (probably should hold off until at least Wednesday for this discussion, but oh well, I've gone too far), what are you all thankful for? Here's what I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

friends: the only real reason I'm still in Illinois
family: even though they piss me off on a regular basis, still gotta love 'em
Eric: for being the best friend a guy could ask for.. totally not gay for you bro
Dan: for being Dan.. and that's a great thing.. you're awesome dude, and I am totally gay for you.. I hate you?
Kate: what can I say, she's a super awesome chick.. though a bit argumentative hahaha jk (i'm not kidding) :)
boobs: seriously, who doesn't like them? even some straight chicks like playing with them
booze: mostly cuz it kinda rhymes with boobs, but also because it is a good thing, so screw you feminists of the 1920's!
bars: because they generally contain three things on my list: friends, boobs and booze.. though i've been to a few bars lately that have been a bit short on the boobs hahaha
work: as much as I bitch about it, I've got a pretty sweet job.. there's a compliment hidden somewhere in that last statement.. it's like Waldo, you just gotta look for it
Family Guy: ahh, the laughter...
Internet: porn, the Blog of Hilarity, myspace, google, videos of people getting punched in the nuts... all good things, all just a click away...
free shit: really anything that's free is good.. like samples when you're walking through a grocery store.. or the change bums hand you in their Styrofoam cups... oh, i'm supposed to GIVE them money, not TAKE it?? well wtf!! no wonder they get so pissed... well fuck them for using styrofoam cups.. carbon footprints indeed.. stupid jerks
Cyanide and Happiness: they make fun of Jesus, cancer, chi-mos.. everything about this is great

Ok guess it's time to go back to work.. *sigh* i'm sleepy.. 2-3 hours of sleep last night... fuck

pre-lunch quickie (sexual innuendos implied)

2008-11-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

Man, what a busy day. Gonna have to make this quicker than a sexual encounter at a seedy motel between a married man and his mistress... ANYWAY...

Finally got some rest last night, which was great cuz I've been borderline burned out for weeks.. Not that I mind, really... I mean I've spent the last month hanging out with the best friends a guy could ask for pretty much every day. It just gets tiring cuz I don't sleep much, I'm usually drinking, so on and so forth.. But I'm all rested up, ready for what should be an interesting weekend.. Good thing I got a Sunday cure!

I still need to get a new freaking winter coat.. It's cold as shit outside.. My room is always 80 degrees colder than the rest of my apartment, which is weird.. The worst part of it is when I wake up the morning.. I'm all cozy and warm in bed, and I can just tell the rest of the room is like a freezer box.. Very demotivating, especially since I hate getting out of bed already..

Oh and I wanna say thanks to all of you that suffer through this blog on a daily basis.. I feel like such a hack, but I've gotten some awesome feedback from some of you, so thanks a bunch. I'm trying to keep my brain limber, and this has been a nice, convenient way to do that.. Maybe I'll start doing some Sudokus, but at least you can get a glimpse into the crazy mind of Chris with these blogs.. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad, hopefully funny, rarely thought-provoking..

Well that's all I got today.. Gotta get back to work (yes, I'm actually busting my ass today, and yesterday for that matter, so that's why these went up so late in the day).. Have a good weekend to everyone I don't talk to on a regular basis.. As for the rest of you, look out! hahaha

growing old, getting tired

2008-11-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

Jesus, getting old sucks.. Granted, at the pace I've been going the past couple months, I think it would've kicked my ass back in college... But now, fuck.. I feel like a geriatric that's up past 7pm on Bingo Night.. Soon I'll be wearing Depends so when I shit myself, it doesn't ruin my pleated slacks that I wear around the house.. God damn getting old sucks.. You know, I take back that whole college comment.. There was a time when I could stay up all night, go to class in the morning, sleep for maybe an hour or two, and repeat... Granted, if I did that a few days in a row, I'd be hallucinating from sleep deprivation, but man would I be partying my ass off..

Now don't get me wrong.. I'm not afraid of getting old... I'm probably not gonna care much when I turn 30.. Everyone makes a huge deal out of it, which I've never understood.. Don't you hate those people that, on your birthday, they ask "do you feel any older?" Yeah, I feel a day older than I did yesterday.. Dumb asses.. My mom asks me that every year.. You'd think she'd, you know, stop asking that since I give her the same answer every year, but she doesn't.. I know she means well and she's just being motherly, so I guess I could not be a dick and just humor her.. Ah well, maybe someday..

You know what's funny? Bartenders... They've gotta be the most outwardly nice, but inwardly evil people I've ever met.. Think about it.. And this is from a guy's perspective, so keep that in mind.. So a couple guys stroll into a bar, and the bartender is some young chick that is decent looking or whatever.. She could be hot.. She's definitely not ugly though.. So when these guys belly up and get her attention, out comes the bright smile and the flirtatious disposition (hence, the outwardly nice part).. So these guys start flirting back, as guys often do, right? Am I right? Of course I am.. You all know it's true, and if you don't, you need to get out more.. Now, this hypothetical bartender chick is flirting up a storm, maybe with one of the guys in particular, maybe with the whole group if she's a slut-tease.. Hmm, does slut-tease even make sense? Fuck it, you know what I mean.. But in the back of her mind, you know that 99% of the time, she's thinking, "God, get a load of these douche bags.." Think about it.. This chick sees hundreds of dudes every day, probably 75-80% of which hit on her, of which maybe .00001% she'd ever consider dating.. And if you don't believe those numbers, I have scientific evidence to support it.. No, I really don't, but it's all hypothetical so just go with it..

I think that's what happened to me last night.. Went out to a bar with a couple buddies, and one of them was flirting with this bartender.. She played along, blah blah blah (outwardly nice, remember?).. But I think she was secretly thinking "what a douche".. And here's why... Me and Eric are drinking scotch all night long.. This other guy, the guy in question, was drinking beers.. The guy in question asks her to serve us up some shots and, being a man's man, asks her for whatever she wants to serve us up (NOTE: NEVER fucking do this, and here's why).. She gives us Tiger Eyes.. Think of Red Hots (the cinnamon candy) with hard alcohol.. Yeah, made me almost hurl too..

So, to leave you with some pearls of wisdom (god knows this blog could use some):

1) Never ask a bartender for a "shot"... Be specific..
2) The hot bartender isn't flirting with you because she wants your cock. She's flirting because she wants your money.. At least 99.999999% of the time.
3) When in Rome...

JOKE OF THE DAY:
A white guy, a jap and a black guy walk into a restaurant. They were very well behaved, paid their bill and left peacefully.

Funny shit, huh? hahaha

La La Land

2008-11-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

An interesting conversation got brought up last night, so I figured I'd share.. I was asked what celebrities I've met/ran into/fantasized about.. Ok, so I made that last part up, but I was asked which ones I find hot, which to a guy is the equivalent of fantasizing about... Seriously, what guy is like, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take her out to dinner." No, it's usually, "man, she's hot.. I'd like to take out back and show her a few things.. Namely my genitals..." Sorry, ladies, but that's how it is.. Don't worry, just because you're not a celebrity doesn't mean I don't want to show you my genitals..

So we'll start with celebs I've met.. It's the shortest list.. I once met Danny Glover at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at LAX. That was a weird one.. I was taking a late ass flight back to Chicago, so it was like 11pm when I got to the airport. I was cruising through security and bag checks and all that TSA bullshit pretty quickly, so I had time to grab a bite to eat.. Wolfgang was the only place open so, even though I hate that guy, I figured what the hell.. Surely the profits from my beer and sandwich are not going directly to Mr. Puck's pocket.. What kind of last name is Puck anyway? Wasn't Puck the name of that douche bag in one of the first Real Worlds? The guy that raced soap box cars and blew snot rockets... Wonder what he's up to now... Anyway, so I'm sitting there eating my sandwich, drinking my beer and watching something on late night ESPN (World Series of Poker undoubtedly) when in walks this guy... He sits a couple seats down from me and orders up a drink and a salad.. At this point, I wasn't paying much attention to him.. It was LAX, late as hell and he was some random black guy.. That spells trouble in most books..

So I'm sitting there, minding my business, and this guy's salad comes out.. I kid you not he ate his salad like a fucking giraffe.. He would shove as much salad as he could fit into his mouth and then some.. You know how giraffes always have branches hanging out of their faces while they chew like a cow? Yeah, that's how this guy was eating.. So I kinda look over at him, admiring his giraffe-like qualities, when I realize who he is, and I utter, "holy shit." At this point, he looks over at me, partially chewed lettuce hanging out of his face, and gives me this inquisitive look.. "You're Danny Glover," I say, managing to point out the painfully obvious like I usually do.. "Um-hmm" he mutters, still chewing his most recent bite of salad.. I immediately apologize for disrupting him, 'cause I figure if I'm a celebrity, especially someone with the notoriety of Danny Glover, I'd wanna be left the hell alone if I'm at LAX at 11pm on a fucking Tuesday.. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy.. We chatted about some bullshit (what I do, why am I in LA, why am I hassling him, why am I looking at him with dreamy eyes, etc.) then I realize that this is just weird, so I finish up my beer, bid him adieu, and head to my gate.. So that's my Danny Glover story.. I wish he had pooped himself or something, but no, I think his boxers remained streak-free that night.. Too bad..

I also met Nomar Garciaparra briefly after a game.. He was a pretty cool guy.. Gave him some tips on his batting slump which he didn't seem to appreciate (or heed; he was in that slump for the rest of his time with the Cubs), but otherwise was pretty gracious..

As for celebrities I've run into... The same night as Danny Glover, I ran into Fabio (that guy with the hair) and Bruce Vilanch, the fat guy with the Jew fro that thinks he's funny... He's not.. I ran into Mel Gibson (fucking Patriots!) in Chicago while he was filming Payback (I think it was Payback.. can't be sure... does it matter? it's a fucking anecdote.. get over it).. He's amazingly short, and he smokes like a guy that hates Jewish people... Too soon? hahaha Oh and Chris Carpenter, of St. Louis Cardinals' fame... He pitched a complete game against us and I ran into him by the player's parking lot after the game.. Gave him a hearty "good game" before he got into his limo.. Anticlimactic, I know...

Ok, now the fun part.. Celebrities I fantasize about.. I mean celebs I think are hot.. I've always had a thing for Elisabeth Shue.. I think it was Adventures in Babysitting that did it for me.. Ever since then I've been hooked.. She went through this weird Meg-Ryan-Plastic-Face phase, but she's bounced back nicely.. Rachel McAdams, pretty hot... Elisha Cuthbert, need I say more? Jessica Biel in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not Jessica Biel in Stealth, that movie makes me wanna club baby seals)... Salma Hayek pre-Ed Norton, so around Desperado or From Dusk Til Dawn.. Wowzers!

I'm sure there's plenty of other celebrities I'm not thinking of, but I figured this would make a nice jumping point for discussion.. So, if you've ever met a celebrity, run into one, or just think one is particularly hot and you'd like the rest of us to know who you regularly masturbate to, feel free to share!

bleeding out

2008-11-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

I was gonna bitch about my school some more today, but I just realized even I'm getting tired of hearing about it.. There's such a huge part of me that wants to just drop this whole thing, and another part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, this might be worthwhile and will help me in the long run. But that latter part of me is dying a little more every day, especially when I have to deal with the bureaucracy of the college's administration.. These fucking people basically just bend you over the rail and rape you for as much money as they can.. They can't even reasonably explain why you need to take certain courses, they just say "oh well it's a prerequisite..." Granted, I understand that not everyone can grasp the inner-workings of the educational experience, but god damn it, when you're asking me to shell out a shit ton of money for a class that I shouldn't logically have to take, you better have a fucking good reason..

Ok that's enough about school.. I'm so sick of it, I want to punch myself in the face.. So winter's right around the corner.. Despite how much I loathe the cold, I gotta say, I really love it when it snows.. There's something very peaceful, almost magical, about a nice snow fall.. I could seriously sit out on my balcony for hours just watching it.. And seriously, if it's gonna be cold out, it might as well be snowing.. Otherwise, what's the point? Yay! Let's all freeze our asses off and not enjoy the outdoors AT ALL for the next 6 months! No thank you..

Oh, so have you heard about Obama? Yeah apparently he's the antichrist.. Cool, huh? 'Bout time god stepped in and put an end to this horribly failed experiment called humanity.. I guess one link is that one of the Illinois' winning lotto numbers was 666... Uh-oh.. We all know that the lotto numbers have a distinct correlation to the end of existence.. I really hate people like that, these conspiracy nuts that look for any excuse to claim the world is going to end.. There is one guy that spends all of his time gathering news clips from current events and trying to support the Book of Revelations' prophecies for the end of the world.. Get a fucking life dude! How is this helping society or humanity at all? You know, we don't need an Antichrist, the devil or the wrath of god to destroy the world; humans are quite capable of it themselves. We are practically bathing in narcissism.. Very few people out there give a shit about anyone but themselves, and it's destroying society.. And then you get these conspiracy nuts who feast on the mobs' fears, exploiting their weaknesses like a fucking cult leader.

It must be pretty easy, though, controlling a mob like that.. I mean the general public is pretty easily influenced by grandiose speech.. Just look at what Hitler was able to do during WWII.. He actually convinced an entire nation (and beyond) that their plight was directly related to one group of people, a group of people connected not by profession, not by social status, but by religion. Religion.. If god does exist, he's gotta be getting tired of all the shit humanity does in his name... The Crusades.. The Inquisition.. Joel Osteen.. Televangelism.. The KKK... Neo-Nazis... It's disgusting.. Most religions are pretty similar in their overall messages of tolerance and acceptance of your fellow man, yet at the same time they sit there and encourage their followers to judge their neighbors.. Unfortunately, we are so far away from the roots of the major religions that I doubt we can ever make it back.. The teachings of the major prophets are lost in the bureaucracies of modern life.

Ok this is too much for me to deal with this morning.. I had half a mind to delete all of this and just not post anything today, but oh well, here you go. Hope you enjoyed it.

i got nothing

2008-11-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

I got nothing for you today. Seriously.. I'm so fucking tired right now.. My old roomy Phil was around all last week, which was sweet, cuz that kid is a bad ass. But I pretty much spent all week drinking boxed wine and doing various things around the house, including making some more videos (yeah, Eric, I know I still gotta get them up).

I went bowling for 5 hours on Saturday.. Actually, funny story.. Phil and I are meeting up with Eric to go bowling, and we end up at this fucking dive shit hole bowling alley somewhere in Arlington Heights.. I'm pretty sure that the few windows this place had were protected by bars, and I bet the guy behind the counter had a shotgun.. It kinda reminded me of the bowling alley that Woody Harrelson loses his hand in from Kingpin. Oh well, I digress. So we (me, Phil, Eric and Eric's 2 kids) walk into this place, and we're immediately propositioned by some charitable tutoring program chick.. She says to us, "do you wanna shoot a ball into my bucket?" I mean c'mon, she left herself wide open for any number of dirty comments that could've followed... Turned out she was talking about an actual ball (rather than any of our testes) that we were supposed to toss into an actual bucket (rather than a playful euphemism for her vagina) so we could win a pack of Smarties and listen to her bullshit about some stupid tutoring program that didn't apply to any of us.. I still say she purposefully said that just to get our attention.. Talk about aggressive selling, jesus.. Might as well have offered to blow one of us if we'd sign her sheet.. I wish I had that devotion to my job.. Not that I want to go around blowing people to get business, but I think that shows a very strong enthusiasm for either A) your career choice, or B) the company you work for. Though I guess if you are blowing people BECAUSE it's your business, then it's different.. I wonder if hookers ever get really enthusiastic about their line of work and actually enjoy blowing strange dudes and/or trannies.. I mean, shit, wouldn't you kinda have to be? To stick a strange dick in your mouth? Or do they just block it out like Macaulay Culkin when he visits Michael Jackson for the weekend? Hmm..

But anyway we ended up bowling at some Brunswick over by the track for like 4 or 5 hours.. It's pretty hilarious watching a 3 year old bowl for the first time.. He was so damn hard on himself though.. He'd miss a 7-10 split and be like "DAMN IT!" It was classic shit.

What is up with bowling alley food? Why is everything deep-fried-death? Oh, except the pizza, though I'm sure they deep fry that for good measure.. I swear to god my gut is just destroyed from all that crap, and I ate all that on Saturday.. I'm not suggesting they serve up tapas or fondue, 'cause I think that people who frequent bowling alleys are the wrong demographic, but I think we could find a happy middle ground.. I'm not going to say it wasn't kinda tasty (except the fries that tasted like deep-fried cardboard rolled in some bowler's sweaty cobra), but let's get a little variety going here people!

Oh and I'm officially sticking to beers at bowling alleys.. Apparently if I throw a cocktail order to a bowling alley bartender, a rift forms in the cosmos and creates the purest form of chaos imaginable.. It took about 20 minutes to get 2 White Russians and a Miller Lite.. I mean c'mon.. She spent 10 minutes of that time looking for cream, and after 10 minutes of searching, the best thing she could come up with is French Vanilla creamer from International Delight, and I'm not entirely sure that it was within the expiration date. It was sick, that's really the only point here.. Though the glass of Dewar's later was a nice recovery from it.. Maybe that should be the rule of thumb when ordering drinks at a bowling alley: stick to beer or a single-ingredient-cocktail.. I think even a Capt's and Coke may have blown her mind..

Speaking of blowing people's minds, I just saw the new Bond movie last night.. "Holy freaking shit" and "wow" are the best words I can come up with to describe it.. I was exhausted just watching Daniel Craig mangle the bad guys, and he did his fair share of mangling early in the movie. Within the first, oh, 20-30 minutes, he was in a car chase, a boat chase and a plane chase.. I mean a plane chase, for god's sake.. Who gets into plane chases unless you're, I dunno, Maverick and Goose? Crazy crazy shit. The story line is pretty sweet too, 'cept the googly-eyed-main-bad-guy.. I didn't buy him as a bad ass, and he fought toe-to-toe with Bond for a while.. Well I won't say anymore for fear of spoiling anything.. It's good, go see it.. Even if you don't like the older Bond movies (Pierce Brosnan and prior), the new ones with Craig are more like the Bourne trilogy anyway: more drama, less cheesiness, and more bad-assery.. Yeah, bad-assery.. Chew on that.

quickie

2008-11-14T10:58:00.001-08:00

I've actually got work to do today, but since I'm on a roll with these blogs lately, I wanna keep it going.. So here's a fast one for ya..

AC/DC is fucking ridiculously awesome.. I highly recommend blaring it on the way to work at 7:00am.. I doubt anything could get you this pumped up for the day.. It's like a Black Eye (Starbuck's, not a punch) for your ears.. Or someone punching you square in the nuts repeatedly.. If that doesn't wake you up, I don't know what will.. TNT! I'm dynamite! TNT! And I'll win the fight! C'mon, you got pumped just reading that, admit it..

I'm back to my roots again.. After a long hiatus listening to almost exclusively punk rock and emo shit, I'm back to classic rock.. Believe me, I still enjoy thrashing to Larry Arms or Alkaline Trio, even got into Rise Against recently, but nothing compares to some classic Floyd, Zep, or Jimi for me.. Well Wolfmother, maybe, but they're pretty much neo-classic rockers, so they don't really count.. But they haven't put an album out in like 3 years, so I'm starting to get a little pissed about Wolfmother.. Everything they do is based off of their one 12-track album.. Time to move forward, gentlemen..

Man, I just realized this blog is hardly worth posting.. Did I say anything even remotely worthwhile? One sec, gonna reread some of it...... Nope... nothing.. Weak..

Eric, you're right.. Danny Tanner was much better on AFV, but that's only because Danny Tanner's alter ego, Bob Sagat, is a filthy comedian.. Ever see the Aristocrats? His scene is the best.. He actually talks about arm-fucking a little girl's throat.. Never heard anything like it.. I think hearing that alone is grounds for going straight to hell.. Oh well, I've said enough ridiculous shit in my life... From the Catholic perspective, I'm already fucked for eternity.. Unless I get my last rites on my death bed, then I'm a shoe-in to heaven.. Loop holes, gotta love them. God is a sucker..

Oh, and for everyone that just got all bent out of shape about that, relax.. Learn to take a joke.. And don't listen to our parody songs, one is about how Jesus is a deadbeat.. Which reminds me of one of Brendan Kelly's recent blogs, where he says Jesus is basically a long-haired douche living in the shadow of his all-powerful father.. He compared it to some guy in the news, I can't remember who.. But whatever, the point is I think I need to hang out with BK.. That guy is ridiculous.. Eric and I have a theory that BK is tapping into our conversations.. Seriously, we'll have a conversation about the most random shit (like Jesus being a deadbeat) and like 2 days later it's on BK's blog.. Coincidence, or conspiracy? You decide..

Thought for the day: Some people are like slinkies... Not really good for anything, but can be lots of fun when pushed down the stairs.

when good pets go bad

2008-11-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Last night I got roped into watching America's Funniest Home Videos, which has fueled me with a nearly endless array of tirades I could go into.. I mean, this show has everything: guys racking themselves on playground equipment, fat women falling out of boats, lions pissing on people, psychotic pets.. I mean EVERYTHING.. And yet somehow, this show still makes me cringe.. And I think I've finally figured out why... Tom-Fucking-Bergeron..

This guy is a super douche.. His mindless asinine commentary on the mindless asinine collection of videos makes me want to slit my wrists while swan diving from the top floor of a really tall building.. Granted, swan diving and slitting your wrists at the same time would be impossible, considering the stretched out form it takes to nail a proper swan dive, but you know what I mean. But Tom Bergeron is such a douche, it almost seems worthwhile to try the wrist-slitting-swan-dive.. At least I won't have to listen to him say stupid shit anymore.

And how the fuck did this guy win a Daytime Emmy? Actually, he was a co-winner with Bob Barker... REALLY? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Bob Barker is a legend, a god among mere mortals, a shining beacon of hope amongst the trash that is the majority of daytime television. The Price is Right has kept me entertained for many a morning, especially back in college when most of my classes were later in the day.. I used to watch a lot of The Price is Right.. And on days I was sick, it was like chicken soup.. That dirty old man just made me smile.. Especially when he was hitting on the young hot contestants.. And getting angry at the old ones that couldn't spin the wheel.. Fucking Bob Barker is awesome.. It is tragic that Barker had to share his Daytime Emmy award with that fucking waste of time, space and air named Tom Fucking Bergeron. God I hate that guy..

And don't tell me it's the writers of AFV.. Fuck that, Bergeron was a douche on Hollywood Squares (a bigger douche than Whoopi Goldberg, and she fucked Ted Danson, so there's your point of reference for the day) and he's a douche on Dancing With The Stars.. He was a douche on Fox After Breakfast, or whatever lame news show it was he hosted.. He's always been a douche, and he'll always be a douche.. Perhaps the writers of these shows need to be shot too, but I'm willing to bet that with a better host, some of the material could actually be slightly funny.. Never hahaha funny, more of I-don't-want-to-kill-myself-or-break-the-TV funny.. Which isn't very funny, but it's better than the alternatives...

There was one other thing I noticed about the show last night that I think I've always subconsciously realized, but just never could put my finger on it.. Does anyone else realize that on most of the videos on AFV, the people that are filming must be complete assholes? I mean really.. Put the fucking camera down and go help someone.. For example, one video last night depicted a toddler, standing in a toilet, flushing the toilet... Awww how cute... NO!! Be a responsible adult, put the fucking camera down, and fish your child out of the porcelain bowl YOU SHIT IN!! WHAT THE FUCK!?! I'm sorry, but this just reinforces my belief that this country is full of fucking retards that haven't got the first clue when it comes to basic decency and social responsibility. And here we are, applauding them and laughing at their silly baby in a toilet.. How about I throw that baby in a dumpster? Is that funny? To see a kid writhing in garbage? Oops, now I'm the bad guy.. (on a side note, dumpster babies can be entertaining fodder.. check out the DB episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you don't believe me)..

On a positive note, I did see two of the smartest dogs in the world on this god-forsaken program.. One was a border collie that sat by his owner while dude threw about a dozen frisbees.. Then, on command, the collie ran out and collected all of the frisbees in one trip.. It doesn't sound as impressive as it was watching it.. Youtube it, I'm sure you'll find something similar.. God bless the internet.. Oh, and the second dog was some kinda terrier I think, but the guy threw the dog's bone into a pool, the bone sank, and the dog jumped in, swam to the bottom and retrieved it.. Again, doesn't sound as cool when I'm relaying through words, but whatever, I liked it and thought I'd share.

feeling a little nostalgic today

2008-11-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

So as most of you know, I'm back in school. For those of you that didn't know, now you're caught up. That's really all there is to say about it. I'm back in school and I fucking hate it. Which sucks because I used to really like going to school and learning shit. But turns out education is a business like any other, and they will try to fuck you every chance they get. I'm basically stuck at this point in my MBA program because I have to take some stupid math class. It's high school level algebra and geometry basically, and yet somehow the years of math I've taken don't count. Oh, and there's no way to test out of it. I feel like I'm being raped by a hooker and still have to pay. Not fair.

Could you imagine that? Getting raped by a hooker and being expected to still pay for it? Mmmm that's good capitalism.. Then her pimp beats your ass for not paying.. Though I suppose if you were in a situation that you were getting raped by a hooker and beaten by a pimp, you'd also have access to drugs, and could probably easily distract them by throwing, say, a bag of coke into the corner of the room to distract them and then make a break for it. It's like a dog that won't leave you alone, just toss a frisbee and they'll go away, at least for a few seconds, which would be enough time for you to get yourself out of a sticky situation.. Urban survival tips, take note. Hmm, maybe I should start a series of these:

Tip 1: If you are ever accosted by a hooker and her pimp, be sure to have drugs on you, preferably a good prostitution drug like coke or heroin. Throw said drug behind them, and when they both scramble for it, make your escape.

Tip 2: If you are ever stranded in an urban or suburban environment without water, go to a convenience store and buy some.

Tip 3: Never EVER give a homeless guy a smoke. They're kinda like the begging kids in Tijuana.. you even make eye contact with one of them and suddenly you'll be surrounded by dozens, all with one hand out asking for money, the other hand in your pockets taking your money... or in the case of homeless guys, your smokes..

Oh yeah Tijuana, what a fucking hilarious place. My brother used to be stationed at the naval base in San Diego (Coronado Island) which is like 20 minutes north of the border. So one time, while I'm out there visiting him, we decide to cruise down to Tijuana and see what's going on. On our way down there, they have signs on the side of the road that warn you of immigrant families crossing the street... Now keep in mind these are on the sides of MAJOR HIGHWAYS.. Check it out if you don't believe me: (http://www.rogerwendell.com/images/mexico/immigrant_crossing_san_diego_03-18-2004.jpg)... Hilarious, huh?

Anyway, we park about a 1/2 mile from the border and walk into Mexico. The "border" is marked by a river of shit that flows under the crossing bridge. I kid you not. There is seriously a Shit River (aka Tijuana River) that you have to walk over in order to get into Shit City (aka Tijuana). It's pretty gross, but it especially sucks in the middle of August in Mexico. Blazing hot sun just evaporating the water and turning the whole thing into a pasty lump of excrement. And river may be too strong a word. That would lead people to believe that this stuff moves quickly. It doesn't; it stagnates and oozes its way to the ocean. Maybe a Shit Creek? Or a Shit Tributary? I dunno, but you get the idea..

So we cross the shit river and get we're in Mexico. One thing I found out about Tijuana is that it's SOOO shitty, people from there don't say they're from there, they say they're from Mexico. Anyway, we're walking down this side street (dangerous idea by the way, I don't recommend it) and we found a donkey show.. Yup, a chick fucking a donkey.. Sorry to say I did not go in, so I don't have an awesome story about a chick fucking a donkey, and frankly I'm ok with that.. I think it would've scarred me for life.. But yeah, if you're into that kinda thing, go to Tijuana, head down a side street, and you'll find a chick fucking a donkey. I think they may have horse shows too, but that's neither here nor there. After watching Jackass 2 the other day, and seeing the size of that horse's dick, I have absolutely no capacity for understanding exactly what possesses someone to see one of those things and think to themselves "man, i'd like to fuck that horse".. Looks really painful.. It would be like shoving Lou Ferrigno up your ass. Maybe with some lube.. Nah, it would probably still hurt a lot... Which reminds me of that South Park where Paris Hilton and Mister Slave have a Whore-Off... Paris shoves a pineapple up her ninja slipper, and Mister Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his ass.. Good end to her story. Fucking stupid slut.. Absolutely nothing to contribute to society. Oh, she has a new show, "My New BFF." Will someone please kill me now so I don't have to hear about it anymore?

Sorry, got off track there.. Back to Mexico.. We ended up at some "classy" bar in Tijuana off the main street. Their idea of classy is our idea of shit hole. Think of some shitty Mexican bar in, oh I don't know, Mundelein, take it down a few more notches, and that's where we were.. So we're enjoying our quesadillas (quick side note, you can eat food in Mexico, just don't eat anything that hasn't been cooked and you'll be fine.. Avoid lettuce at all costs) when the waiter comes around with a bottle of tequila.. So, we start pounding down shots of tequila and a few beers. Sometime around shot 4 or 5 I realize with horror that I haven't gone to the bathroom all day. I ate Jack in the Box on the way down, I just ate quesadillas in some random bar in Tijuana, and now I'm pounding shots and beers.. I head to the bathroom, and that's when my horrific moment of foresight came true.. There's a tile trough for a toilet, and i swear to god someone had diarrhea and, mid-way through dropping trou and spinning around to get his ass over the seat, just let it fly... There was shit EVERYWHERE... Walls, floors doors, the little divider that makes up the stall.. There was shit on the ceiling, in the trough, near the sink.. All over.. Lots of shit.. So I didn't use that bathroom. Cause it seemed unsanitary..

And that's pretty much the story of one of my trips to Tijuana. Lots of poop and nearly seeing chicks getting fucked by donkeys. Yeah, I don't think I want to go back there. Oh, on a pretty cool note, there was a shooting there a week later. The main drag (Independence Blvd. if I remember right) is where you really need to stay if you go to Tijuana. If you go off that path, god help you. But there's tons of shops and restaurants, cheap booze, cheap prescription drugs (I should've gotten some Viagra haha).. But it's pretty much just like an Arabian market.. People every where and vendors trying to pawn their wares on the unsuspecting white folk.. So apparently the governor or mayor of the region was driving in a motorcade down Independence when a bunch of militant guys come out and shoot the whole thing to hell. Ever see Clear and Present Danger? That's what I pictured happening. So yeah, I almost got shot... At least that's the spin I put on it to make it more relevant to my life.. 'Cuz it has absolutely no relevance to anything, except maybe the citizens of Tijuana, oops, I mean Mexico...

And if you do ever find yourself in Tijuana, here's a money saving tip for ya.. As you peruse all the shit these guys are selling, and you see something you might actually want, make sure you make eye contact with the vendor while you're checking it out, then put it down and start walking away. The price will drop by 1/2 before you get 3 steps. I was checking out one of those kick ass Mexican blankets that I love so much, and the proprietor of the establishment saw me. I wasn't super interested in it, but I guess I showed enough enthusiasm because as I start walking away, the owner comes running up behind me, shouting "$15!! $10!! $5!!" So, these blankets were marked as $20 each, and I ended up getting 2 for like $10.. So there you have it, frugal ones...

dear diary

2008-11-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that a lot of my blogs are about shit I'm doing, and shortly thereafter realized that they can't possibly be interesting.. I mean, I don't really do anything... I'm not famous, I'm not a rock and roller (yet), I don't have kids, I don't have AIDS, I'm not black, I don't do cool high dives from 60 feet above the earth into a soup can, I've never milked a cow, and I don't like hockey.. So today, I'm gonna ramble almost aimlessly but with enough direction to NOT divulge what I did last night... Though I did partake in a box of wine, and it was delicious.. Ok, enough of that... If it was a box of Kool-Aid and some wings, then I'd have something, but it wasn't, so I don't.

Black Obama jokes are hilarious.. Really any black jokes are funny. And before you all get up in arms that I'm some sort of racist, back off... I make fun of anything and everything, including myself and my white friends, which I think absolves me from anything derogatory I say about other races... You want equality? Then I get to make fun of everyone equally... Fair's fair bitches... Anyway, yeah black jokes are hilarious.. My old roommate Phil came over last night (this actually is worth mentioning) and was just on fire with the black jokes... Hilarious shit.. They mostly revolved around grape soda, wings, shiny spinning rims, stereo systems that are worth more than the cars they are in, and getting eye-balled at 7-11 as though you might steal something... Good stuff..

You know what black people are on to, though? 40's... I'm not kidding... Except the whole malt liquor thing, 40's are fucking awesome... Though white people tend to refer to them as "tall boys," unless of course you're one of those white people that think they're black.. You know the kind.. Pants around the knees, long white t-shirt that looks like it could cover a twin mattress, a Fubu hat cocked sideways over a white doo-rag... What a douche.. I mean really, you're white... Why would you purposefully want to downgrade? But I digress... Next time you're in the market for booze, try a tall boy.. Or two.. They will treat you right I promise.. And if worse comes to worst, you'll have a giant bottle you can jam up your butt if you're into that kinda thing.. Have a phone handy.. You may be calling 911 before long..

Back to the whole race-being-funny thing, why aren't there good derogatory terms for white people? Honkey? Cracker? Whitey? White Bread Cracker Motherfucker? That's it? A couple different foods and the sound a car makes when you hit the horn are hardly decent terms for defaming an entire race.. We're white, we do plenty of stupid shit.. I think other races need to get on board and start coming up with some better terms for us.. I'm open to suggestions.. The only thing is that once a new term is discovered, only white people can use it when they're talking to their white friends.. 'Cause, you know, that's how it works...

hello, i’m robert redford

2008-11-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

So Robert Redford is apparently still getting work, which is nice 'cause I always kinda liked him.. The last movie I remember him being in was Spy Game, which was pretty bad ass, though he was kind of a douche in it... Come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever really did like him.. He's always a bit of a douche.. Hmm.. Well anyway, Big Red is now narrating the Cosmic Collisions show at the Adler Planetarium.. His opening line ("Hello, I'm Robert Redford") is delivered exactly like the Robert Loggia bit in Family Guy.. Quite hilarious.. Then the big collision scene, which had me in stitches... "Will the comet strike the Earth?" *moment of great anticipation* "No..." What the hell? I thought this was called Cosmic Collisions, not Comets That Don't Hit Us... Though it's probably for the best 'cause the two kids I was with were about to crap their pants thinking the world was going to end..

Oh, and yes, you read that right... I went to the planetarium over the weekend... It was fun, got a little dose of education.. For instance, did you know the moon was formed in one month? Yeah, that's exactly what I said.. No fucking way.. But hey, that's why I'm not an astrophysicist.. Or maybe an astrogeologist.. I wonder what your title would have to be in order to be considered someone qualified enough to comment on the length of time it took to create the moon.. And I wonder if you'd have to have enough Star Wars collectibles to make the 40-Year-Old-Virgin green with envy... Probably..

I'm really ill-prepared for the onset of winter, which apparently is right around the corner.. It's getting cold out, it's dark when I wake up and when I get home from work (damn Standard Time!!) and I just feel like hibernating for the winter until daylight savings is back in effect.. Or is it affect? I think effect.. High Lifes or High Lives? The debate continues... Sorry, I digress.. And I'm really tired of seasonal depression.. Winter just puts me in such a shitty mood.. I do enjoy the snow, though.. Maybe I'll go skiing this year.. Or try snowboarding.. Maybe I'll wrap myself around a tree like Sonny Bono hahaha (too soon?).

Speaking of too soon, I heard a hilarious off-the-cuff Obama joke last night:

"It must suck to be president and still get eye-balled when you go into a 7-11" hahahaha I'll skip all the requisite grape soda, Kool-Aid and hot wing jokes.. Those are just too easy..

blog-alicious

2008-11-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

I have absolutely nothing to say today.. Actually, that's not true.. Otherwise I wouldn't be here typing this out right now.. And quick side note, the "wouldn't" in the previous sentence is being flagged as a misspelled word.. And yet when i tried to spell "silliness" on my phone, it gave me "pillgoes"... Really? Pillgoes? Wtf does that even mean? Perhaps someone that has a hard time separating words in spoken language could say something along the lines of, "man, that pillgoes down smooth..." i dunno what I'm talking about, nevermind.. ANYWAY....

So funny thing happened today.. Actually, not so much funny as just kinda mind-bogglingly coincidental.. A friend introduced me to "failblog" last night (which is fucking hilarious btw, check it out http://failblog.org/) and we had a few laughs... so this morning, when i finally woke up in a scotch-hangover-stupor (i hurt ever so slightly today), i turn on the news and catch the website spotlight on NBC.. Guess what it is? Yup, Failblog... What the fuck are the chances of that? One night, a friend randomly introduces me to it, and not more than 7 hours later, the news is reinforcing the fact that this website is, indeed, fucking awesome.. Newsworthy, even! Not like there was an election a few days ago and America has its first African-American-President-Elect... That's a mouthful... I'll just say black president to save time.. Is that racist? I don't think so, and I don't mean it to be, so fuck off if you think it is..

And on that note, I'm really starting to come around on Obama. I wasn't really excited about it before, but man, that guy has some charisma.. And my buddy Dan helped open my eyes a little today with his blog (check it out too, good stuff, he's a smart motherfucker: http://danatomic.blogspot.com/)... Basically, his point was that after 8 years of Bush beating fear into us with words like Al-Qaeda, War on Terror, Iraq's WMD's, etc. etc., it's nice to finally have a president that doesn't operate on fear, but rather hope and change. Think about McCain's final days before the election... Anyone else catch his commercial that quoted Biden's radio interview in which he said Obama would be tested by the world? I swear I felt like I was in Nazi Germany around 1940 listening to Hitler go on and on about the evil Jews... McCain was using fear to scare the undecided voters into going with him.. Obama, on the other hand, does a 1/2 hour last ditch effort and mostly talks about how he wants to help the people of this country by doing what the people of this country want.. Hope and change indeed..

And he's already putting good people in place.. His appointment of Emmanuel to Chief of Staff has me chomping at the bits.. Emmanuel is a bad motherfucker who doesn't take anyone's shit... He's about as conservative a Democrat as you can find.. He'll balance Obama out nicely (let's face it, Obama is about as liberal a Democrat as you can get).. So, Obama is not filling his offices with yes-men and other people that will just permanently plant their lips on his ass... He's putting people in there that share similar ideologies but aren't afraid to disagree.. Fantastic!

It'll be an interesting 4 years, seeing how the world reacts to all of this and how the wars play out.. Oh and let's not forget, to everyone reading this: YOU WERE ALIVE AND WILL REMEMBER THE DAY WHEN AMERICA ELECTED ITS FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT!! Embrace it, this was a historical week.

should’ve stayed home today

2008-11-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

So today is finally a good day at work.. This past week has really sucked a fat one.. As most of you know by now, I'm fairly easy to get along with, but for whatever reason, these fucking engineers I work with are just a thorn in my side (yes, a thorn the size of a Cadillac, driving through 'cause backing up now would be next to impossible).. In fact, of all the engineers I've met in my life (must be in the neighborhood of 50 or so), there's only about 3 I remember liking... It could be their elitist attitude.. You all know the type.. If it's not an engineer who thinks that their degree somehow imparts the knowledge of the universe on them, it's an egomaniacal boss that, somehow, someway, was able to rise to the levels of mid- to upper-management.. Probably by throwing everyone around him under the bus... I had a boss like that at my last job (Dan can attest to this).

But anyway, I went to this benefit last night... Well, it wasn't so much of a benefit as it was $25 for all you can drink... I took pretty good advantage of it, pounded down a few beers and even a Cabernet! I'm so high-society.. With my High Life camo cans.. HA! There was also some strange Brazilian rum drink there, which was essentially a sweet margarita made with rum... It was good, little sweet for my tastes.. Got home around midnight, jammed a little Larry Arms on the guitar (anyone think I'll get ANOTHER noise violation? fucking neighbors), then crashed out... And now I'm all freaking tired. But I didn't stay up til 2am which is a major accomplishment for me during the week when I'm drinking. A nap is sounding really tempting right now.. But as the title of this blog indicates, I'd be much better off right now if I'd just stayed home and slept in.. Oh well, live and (try to) learn...

Also, there's more videos up.. I think I put the rest of them up on Tuesday, so take a look and a listen.. Funny shit.. Kate claims it's drunken craziness, I say it's good times... Really though, what's the difference? Eric and I are drunk and silly, and now armed with a video camera, so we're just trying to share our good times with you all.

So yeah, nothing really interesting to talk about today. I've got a lot to say about the election, but I'm gonna try a new approach and just keep my political opinions to myself. Apparently they offend a lot of people :) I hope I haven't pissed any of you off with my opinionated diatribes.. I'm actually kinda excited about Obama now; I think the guy has charisma and I really believe he has a genuine interest in making America a better country. I think he'll be an effective President, much more so than the frail old potato-looking guy and the hick from Alaska. Obama's speech in Grant Park was genuinely moving, and he's moved up a few notches in my book. I guess we'll see how the next four years play out.

And if any of you went to the rally, you are freaking crazy! Or brave... Perhaps a well-balanced blend of both? No, probably not... No one I know is balanced hahah That's why I love you all. Good people, each and every one of you...

Ok, for not having anything to say today, I've said a lot.. I guess I'll go work now.. Or play Death Dice (http://www.bored.com/games/play/263/Death-Dice.html).. Check it out, it's fun... Eat as many pills as possible, it makes it much sillier... Hmm, Death Dice = Real Life... hahahahaha Later kids

high lifes (or lives??) and the hilarity that ensues

2008-11-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

So for those of you NOT in the loop on the whole Miller High Life camo cans, let me catch you up... They are DELICIOUS!! Long story short, since discovering these about a month ago, we've emptied out my local Dominick's supply and a liquor store in DeKalb! Two stores, two cities.. Is this what rock and roll feels like? Cuz I kinda feel like a rockstar... Anyway, we've obviously been enjoying these immensely, so I was a little sad when I thought our supply was out.. Like a crackhead whose dealer won't even let him blow him for a fix anymore.. And then I found it... Meijer has what appears to be an endless supply of 30 packs of this shit! How awesome is that? We're two 30 packs in now, so I gotta stop by and pick more up on the way home tonight... Perhaps more videos are in our future?

Which leads me to the "hilarity that ensues" portion of this... Fueled by vodka on the first day, but camo cans the next, Eric and I have been feverishly producing top quality (really? top quality? that may be debatable, but there's no arguing they're fucking hilarious) videos for your viewing pleasure. We're attempting to just get some songs recorded, but they're definitely peppered with a chronicling of our inebriation.

So we've got about a dozen or so up now... Sink your teeth in and enjoy. There's about 5 more from last night that I still need to post, so those will probably be up tonight. I hope you all enjoy watching them as much as we enjoyed making them, though that's probably not likely..

Oh, and is the plural of Miller High Life "High Lifes" or "High Lives"? Thank god I have intelligent friends that I can defer to on this one. What would I do with you guys?

yeah so anyway

2008-10-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, good news.. Today is NOT a bitchfest!! No seriously, I swear to god, were he/she/it to exist... So, I'll swear on a stack of Girl Scout Cookies.. yum..

I was able to witness a traditional Indian (Hindu, not the ones that live in teepees) celebration today. Apparently, it's their New Year (on a side note, when are the Chinese and Indians gonna get on the same page as the rest of us with this new year thing? i mean come on!), a celebration known as Diwali. It is essentially a celebration of the return of an ancient exiled king in Hindu culture that took out some bad ass Hindu demon way back in the day.. The celebration itself is characterized with lots of food (but absolutely no meat for like a week), a traditional dance and music.

Now, many of you may be asking youself, "what??"... Believe me, I understand. I'm fortunate enough (is fortunate the right word?) to work in a company that is predominately Hindu. What's cool about it is that I've always been into learning about other cultures, especially religions. As many of you know, I'm not a religious person, but I think those other cultures and celebrations are fascinating. Which brings me to the meat of this blog...

Why is it that most people can't see beyond their own two feet and recognize other cultures validity? People in this world are so fucking ignorant when it comes to anything outside of their sphere of influence (thank you Sociology 101!!)... It just boggles my mind.. If you're not into religion or culture, fine! I won't judge you. But at least pick up a fucking book occasionally, or learn an instrument, or watch a foreign movie, or SOMETHING! A steady diet of Will Ferell movies and trashy shows that do nothing but depict a fake "life" that in no way corresponds to reality (I'm thinking of the show "Greek" that Kate put on the other day hahaha) just perpetuates the ever-declining level of intelligence, understanding and empathy that is running rampant in today's society. I recommend doing something you wouldn't normally do... For instance, I'm apparently going to a drag queen parade on Friday... How or why I got roped into this I may never know (it's totally for a chick, but don't tell her that hahaha), but god damn it, I've never been to one, so what possible harm could it do? Perhaps I'll have a whole new outlook on the gay community. Or maybe I'll get goosed by a guy in assless leather chaps.. Either way, I think I'll have a story for you all on Monday.

Kudos to all of you that continue to make yourselves better people, that feel the need to keep improving yourselves. Keep on truckin'...

wow, keep on truckin'... really? that's the best closing line I could come up with? fuck

i don’t know where i’m going with this

2008-10-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

ok i'm going to do my best to not turn this into another bitchfest, but hey, it's bound to happen at some point, so embrace it when it starts..

so life has got me really down lately (shit, that didn't take long!).. take my MBA program for instance.. at some point (and i can't remember when, it seems like so long ago) i was genuinely excited to go back to school, get my MBA, expand my mind a little, etc. I actually like school.. Learning is important, whether it's at school, at work, or just learning something from your buddies. It keeps the mind limber. It causes you to think about things a little more rather than being a fucking mindless robot like so much of the population is.

Unfortunately, this past semseter has really got me questioning the value of an MBA. Sure, I'll have a pretty little certificate with my name in some fancy fuck lettering with a cutesy little NIU seal of approval on it. What exactly does that mean? Did I learn anything? Am I better suited to serve the world? Or am I just yet another carbon copy of all of my predecessors? I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

And work has been a fucking drag lately. I'm the youngest person at this company, yet somehow I'm light years beyond all of my worthless coworkers with my boss being the one exception. I actually had to sit in a meeting today and listen to an engineer bitch and moan that he gets too many emails every day and there's just too much work for him... he doesn't know how to prioritize it... Are you kidding me? Your 50 fucking years old!! This isn't 1st grade where the teacher has to tell you to get your homework done. Be a responsible adult and get your shit together! At one point, I looked him square in the eye and said, "I've heard enough," got up and left...

I'm starting to think I'm going to be a surly old man when I get older. I hate that idea. I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt and help wherever I can. But I'm starting to realize that 99% of the people out there are either A) incapable of being helped, or B) not fucking worth it. How depressing is that. The longer I'm exposed to the world, the more I just want to move to Mexico, live on the beach, and say fuck it all.

On a much brighter note, I've been writing music lately, and I'm fucking stoked about it! Eric's been a pal helping me put this shit together (I'm such an amateur), and now I've got 2 songs in the works, with a 3rd on the way. Small steps, I know, but it's one of the few things I'm actually happy about right now. Once I can get in the studio (ie josh's hahaha) and get these recorded, I'll start a band page and post them up for all of you to listen to and critique. Trust me, I can take whatever you have to say about it, so be honest. More to come...

hmm, what else... I feel like I shouldn't even post this cuz it's rambling crap... though I knew that at the beginning (see the title)... oh well.. I need to get some of this shit off my chest and bounce it off someone, otherwise I'm just gonna go insane, start drinking all day every day, and say fuck the world.. and i don't want to do that..

oh well, I'm gonna wrap this up.. it's 4pm and i'm still at work typing this... why am i not at home?? *sigh* ok i'm outta here.. have a good weekend to all the people i don't talk to regularly.. to all the rest, i'll see ya soon!

i need my cranberry juice

2008-09-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, the purpose of this blog is for me to just vent, which means I'm just going to bitch and moan about random things. Yes, perhaps I'm on the rag, and I could probably use a cranberry juice... It's a natural diuretic after all.

I'm getting so fucking sick of the stupidity that seems to be more and more prevalent in today's society. It's disgusting how some people just meander through life and expect others to pick up their slack. I'm fucking tired of being one of the few that picks up the slack. I'm tired of busting my ass and then getting pissed on by the same motherfuckers that are causing me to have to bust my ass. I'm tired of constantly fighting the same fucking assholes over and over and over until I'm blue in the face (or red, as the case usually is).

I'm tired of people playing the race card. I'm angry that I can't discipline someone of a different skin color without being accused of racism... Should I just discipline white people then? Is that not racism? I think it's hilarious that people use their skin color as an excuse when it suits their needs but then expect the rest of us to be colorblind. I think it's funny that the BET still exists. I think it's funny that the same people who purport to promote equality among the races are the same fucking people who are perpetuating racism in this country (Jesse Jackson, I'm looking directly at you). Fuck you. This is the 21st century... Nobody gives a shit about race anymore except you.

I'm tired of parents that raise kids with this utopic (yes I know it's not a word, but too bad) view of the world. There are winners and there are losers. Shitty people get things they don't deserve, and good people get shit on. This is life. Get used to it. The weird thing is that while parents are trying to protect their kids' feelings (don't want little Johnny to lose a teeball game, that would just be awful), we are exposing them to shit they just aren't ready to see. I'm sorry, kids shouldn't be watching Family Guy. It's an ADULT cartoon. But we keep reinforcing the idea that kids can do whatever the fuck they want without consequence, and it's wrong. Then we sit there and wonder why society is turning to shit. Gee, I fucking wonder... My favorite example of this is a 7-year-old kid in Massachusettes (I think) that was told he couldn't pitch for his little league team because he was "too good." Are you fucking kidding me? Are sports really meant to make everyone feel all warm and special? Or are they meant to teach kids teamwork and sportsmanship (which is really just about mutual respect)? Why must every kid be awarded a trophy? You lost, you don't get anything. A teacher friend of mine was telling me about a game she played in her classroom. One team won, and got some candy. The other team lost, they didn't get anything. One girl from the losing team raised her hand and actually asked, "what, don't we get anything?" For losing? Are you serious? I wish I was awarded for being a loser. I'd quit my job, start doing insane amounts of drugs, become a complete degenerate and a drain on society.. Maybe then society would reward me for all my "hardwork"... Wait a sec, isn't that the Britney Spears story? Fuck, it's happening already...

Ok, I'm done now. Thanks to all who read this and agree. Fuck you if you don't (hahaha jk, feel free disagree). In fact, I'd almost prefer someone to disagree so I can have another intelligent conversation. As Eric put it, "I feel like I'm hallucinating from intellectual overstimulation."

A special thanks to all of you that make me think.